confused and heartbroken

[chillinum]

I just needed to vent and write my feelings somewhere, I feel like there's no one I can really talk to about this...

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. It started out amazing, we were a perfect match and everyone thought so, they would say we were so much happier together than they had ever seen us before. I had never had a long-term relationship before, but I have been in a few relationships, and I knew from the moment I asked her to be my girlfriend that she was the one I wanted to spend my life with.

Everything was going great until I started getting slammed with projects at work. I would come home around 7pm and instead of us spending time together, I had to jump right into doing class work (was in college at the time). We started seeing less and less of each other, until she started talking to another guy. I had concerns and voiced them, but eventually I came across a Facebook chat with him where they were flirting and carrying on. They even were planning to meet up. It was tough time to get through, it took her weeks to stop talking to him and months for me to trust her again. I also realized what I was doing wrong and made a concerted effort to stop being so involved in work/school and spend more time with her.

I eventually trusted her again, but still had concerns. When someone flirts with her, she tends to giggle and keep talking to them, instead of keeping her distance until they get the point. I don't believe she would ever kiss another guy while we are together, but just the fact of flirting makes all the feelings and distrust from what happened before come back.

To shorten this story up a bit, she met another guy at work, and started acting strange when we were talking about him. I knew she was talking to him but there were no text messages, emails, or Facebook messages anywhere, so how were they communicating? Turns out she was lying and deleting messages so I wouldn't see them. I confronted her and she said sorry, and told me that this relationship was one she wanted to keep and that she'd work on it. But once again she continued talking to him and deleting messages.

Anyway, after all of this I still love her. I know that every person has issues that they deal with, her issue is lying and communication. Instead of coming to me with an issue in our relationship, she just runs to another guy. I'm heartbroken because I love her so much and I see a future, one that we always talked and dreamed about, disappearing. If she came back today and apologized I would forget about everything in the past and we would start fresh.

Last night I told her I wanted a break for the both of us, so we could figure out what we wanted. Mainly it's for her as I know she has feelings for this other guy and I want her to get some perspective and see if he is really that important...

Thank you for reading, it helped a lot just to put this out there

[ktm390]

man i HATE lying and sneaking around. sounds like she has no respect for your relationship. maybe after a break she will realize she wants to be with you and if that happens you will have to decide if you can be with her after she has been with someone else. i have tried it once and it didnt work for me. i just couldnt get the thought of her with someone else out of my head. after that i vowed to never be with a girl that cheated on me or hooked up with someone else while on a break. good luck to you though i wish for you to be truly happy whatever you decide.

[girl68]

She's not ready for what for a serious relationship. I did this too. I did what she does because something was missing. It wasn't temporarily missing, it was always missing... She wants what you don't have and can't give. She will no doubabtly miss you very much as you seem like a great guy but I sincerly do not think you should take her back this is a one sided love. You will always be working very hard to keep her and she will never be working that hard to keep you. That's not cool.

The break is good but I suggest you start treating this as a break UP.

[SelflessnHumble]

Bro, I'm truly sorry you have to go through this...Have you realized yet that:
People change?
You can only control what you are able to: not her, her choices and her preferences in *
Look, you don't tell someone you want a break: it's half ass and pretty disingenuous because it says, I want to break up but still be together. <-----Bullshit.

You can't break up with someone for their own benefit: you just gave up the initiative as to why you're together in the first place! See that?

Being a liar: and lying by omission via failing to communicate: AND failing to assert herself as being confident enough IN your relationship so that
she doesn't have to reciprocate an advance each time one is given to her by some other guy means SHE doesn't respect you, much less love you.

You see a future with someone you want to change: but is unwilling to: I foresee a train wreck in your future, man.
Worse: why are you going through her account to check up on her? Just because you have trust issues with a liar does NOT give
you the right to go through her privacy entitled life. Cowards and insecure controlling people do that shit.

If you can't trust her: guess what dude?
(1) It's not your fault: she has lied to you repeatedly and she will continue to: why? "I didn't tell you because you'd be mad at me..." Sound familiar?
(2) SHE has told you to your face that her word means nothing and that your relationship means nothing...

Why beat a dead horse?
There is someone out there for you that will love, honor and respect you for YOU, not for you only when you're around, get it?

[BeingAlpha]

She's not ready for what for a serious relationship. I did this too. I did what she does because something was missing. It wasn't temporarily missing, it was always missing... She wants what you don't have and can't give. She will no doubabtly miss you very much as you seem like a great guy but I sincerly do not think you should take her back this is a one sided love. You will always be working very hard to keep her and she will never be working that hard to keep you. That's not cool.

The break is good but I suggest you start treating this as a break UP.

Best advice on this thread. Let it go man...sometimes you have to accept that while there is NOTHING wrong with you -- you just don't possess whatever it is that she is looking for. She may never find it -- she may constantly be looking for something that doesn't exist..but you can't hang around and wait to become the ONE. Promise you -- tried it -- it doesn't work.

[chillinum]

Thanks for all the replies, it's tough hearing but I know you all are right. Especially hearing from someone that's been in her situation.

It's such a hard thing to do though. Even now, knowing everything and getting advice, logically I know that this should be the end, but I can't seem to take that step. I keep envisioning her walking in the door and saying how the time apart has shown her what is really important in her life.

We were on the path to getting married, everyone knew it, we knew it. I love her with everything in me. How do I go from that to ending it, especially when I don't want it to end? Sounds pathetic I know...

[girl68]

We were on the path to getting married, everyone knew it, we knew it.

Sorry man, but only you knew it, she did not know it, and if she did she doesn't WANT it.

Moving on just keep telling yourself it isn't as good as you thought it was, it never was. Just keep saying it over and over and over eventually you will believe it. Now, keep busy, very, very busy. Call your friends and reconnect, don't have any? Make some. Do something \you always said you wanted to.. whatever it may be, no more excuses. Tell a few people your family if need be so they can convince you, you are doing the right thing. First things first keep telling yourself why is SHOULD be the end... repeat a thousand times over and over again. When you catch yourself reminicising (and you will) stop it immediately and go back to listing all the reasons why it is the end. If you say things enough times you'll believe it. Thing is though, it takes alot of hurt to get over it and it takes time, lots and lots of time. But like us all, you'll get over it.