Lost

[Echelon]

Hey everyone I'm new here but I have gone through a lot these past few months... My girlfriend, Lisa of 3 years left me a couple month ago. At first she said that she only wanted some time and space to herself. And as simple as that may seem to most people who have had worse happen to them, I took it the wrong way.

I grew up living in state homes having no family, I was on depressive meds most of my life until I met Lisa, thus my memories before Lisa are mostly just big blurs. Lisa was the only person who ever made me feel alive and our memories are so clear. Before her I never cared where my life went. So giving her time and space to me felt like my world was ending. I became paranoid that she would never come back and I would have to face a pain that I had seen tear so many people to pieces.

After awhile of our relationship on hold, I broke down and started spending every minuet I could trying to get back with her. Calling over and over, showing up unexpectedly at her place. Then I tried showing her how much pain I was going through in hopes she would see how much I really loved her. And then one day I found out she had a date with another guy. And that's when my pain became more than I could cope with...

On Christmas eve I tried killing my self in a spot that me and Lisa had always gone to when we wanted to be alone and be together without being bothered by anyone else. My friend saw me get in my car with a bottle of pain killers so he called 911 and told them he was worried and told them where I might be going. They found me and took me to a Hospital where I stayed for a week and got some help but when I got out I had lost my job...

I realized that even if we would have gotten back together I had screwed that chance up with everything that I had done. After that I stopped caring about my life and was soon dropped from my night classes. I have been trying to move on and get over Lisa, but the only happy memories I have are of us... without those memories all I have is blurred visions of my past. I can't seem to find the strength in me to face the mistakes I made and move on. How can I get myself out of this…

[schueys_girl]

I am very sorry to read your post, you have been thru an awful lot and clearly you need a pointer in the right direction. The feelings you had when Lisa broke up with you are very much the same as the feelings myself and many others here have had and we will all agree they are not nice. As you had a bad past it seems you cannot focus on yourself on your own without Lisa which is understandable. But you need to do it.

It was unfortunate you lost your job due to the depression and actions you took but what you need to do now is learn from this. I have felt the same thru breakups, particulary the first long relationship i went thru, and i like you dropped out of classes, missed school and stopped going to work. It feels like the whole world is against you and as soon as you wake up in the morning your heart aches for the person who should be lying next to you. So to ease the pain you simply stay in bed and dont face the world.

This is where we all make the mistake. Hiding away and doing nothing achieves nothing at all. Although it is the easiest option, the best thing to do is haul yourself out of bed and get on with things. Im sure many have learned after thier first painful break-up so that when they go thru it again they know the best strategy.

Chasing after someone who asks for space never works, all it does is cause your ex to see you as desperate, a pester or a nag who isnt strong enough to get on with thier own life, and this does not make them want you back or miss you. After my first break up i did pretty much the same as you, constant phone calls, going round his house, i really made myself look desperate and sad. And yes this is what I was feeling and guess what? It never worked. When I got over this lad and he had got over me being a stalker (i cringe about it now, but it was my first love, together 2 years from 16-18/19) and were talking about a year here, he actually came and tried to get back with me!

When my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me last year I was in even more of a mess but i had learned from my previous experiences and stayed completely away and just got on with things. Improved my life. Got a new job and threw myself into that and made a whole lot of new friends. And surely enough when he saw me several months later he wanted me back, and weve been back together 6 months and everything is really great.

I am not saying that this will happen to you because unfortunately it doesnt happen to everyone. But the basic advice is the same. Yes it hurts like crazy and you really dont have the motivation to get out of bed but you must. If you havent already then start looking for another job, something you have always wanted to do, go and get some more qualifications or training, start your night classes again and think of something you want to save for (car, house anything to look forward to)

Start a new hobby, join the gym, make contact with old friends and make new friends. Just surround yourself in completely new things and push lisa to the back of your mind. I know this is hard and in particular because of your harsh past it may seem like an even bigger obstacle but the saying 'time is a great healer' really is true. Slowly but surely it will start getting easier and you will feel so much better about yourself.

They always say before someone can truly love you, you need to love yourself. You havent been able to do so far in your life, so focus on this and getting yourself happy, and whilst your doing this (as it will take a long time) Lisa may start to miss you and want you back...or she may not...but in the meantime who knows whats round the corner?

good luck -x-

[Echelon]

Thank you for replying back, I was afraid people would read my post and think that I was completly helpless. I saw Lisa yesterday, she called me up and wanted me to take her out to get some breakfast. I was stunned because it was the first time she had contacted me. So I took her out, we didn't talk about "us" or our realtionship. We just went on like we were semi-good friends. Even though the whole time I wanted to fall apart and beg her to come back to me, I managed to pretend that I was happy and doing fine. She seemed fine herself, but a little sad. I think she's sad because she knows what I went through and maybe she knew I was only pretending to be happy. I really don't know, I think it just hurt her and me for us to be out together and yet be so far apart from each other. Anyone ever felt that way?

[schueys_girl]

How come she can call you and ask her to take her out for breakfast?! U split up...cant she go out on her own...or with friends or with this other guy you mentioned she went on a date with?!

Seems to me like she just wants to mess you around and use you, and it doesnt seem to me like your ready to handle the friendship thing. Stop seeing her for a bit mate, its for your own good and hers. If shes only feeling sad for you, do you really want her pity?! Your a grown man...You need time to settle and move on with your life.

[Echelon]

Well, the whole 3 years we were together she never worried about getting a car, I have 2 cars one i used for anything and the other for work. She always let me drive her where ever she needed to be. But sense we split up she has unsuccessfully tried getting a car.

She does have friends to go out with, but they are mostly busy with school and work. As for the guy she went out on a date with, he dumped her when he found out she wanted more than just sex. I talk to Lisa's mom every now and then, she tells me that Lisa is a mess and extremely lonely. Yet when ever I try to talk to Lisa about it, she tells me she is doing fine.

I guess she wouldn't want me to know that's she's lonely. Maybe she thinks that I would use that for my advantage on trying to get her back? Hell, I don't understand much about what happened or what's going on with her.

Your right about me not being ready for a friendship with her. It's so hard to be in her presence and everything is the same, her smile, her hair, her eyes, everything except her feelings for me...

Anyway, I'm trying to do whatever I can to stop thinking about her so much. But that has proven to be a impossible task. I’ve seen some people spend years trying to get over someone who left them. I feel like I will be one of them too if I don't start feeling better soon... Thank you for talking with me about all this schueysgirl.

As for all the other people out there reading this who have similar ordeals or just simply going through something that's tearing them apart, I guess we’ll have to get through it one way or another. But at least we don’t have to do it alone, right?

[Cybog]

Anyway, I'm trying to do whatever I can to stop thinking about her so much. But that has proven to be a impossible task.

First of all, the only reason this is "impossible" is because you are a lonely and weak individual. The calls to her, her mother, the investigations into her personal life, the rides you are giving her places...hell even the fact you are even entertaining the possibility with getting back with her.

Don't play dumb with me here. I know that is the only thing on your mind.

Listen kid, the only way you are going to forget about her is to make yourself forget about her.

Stop ****ing talking to her. Stop going near her. Throw out and destroy absolutely everything you own that reminds you of her. Everything. Delete her number from your phone book. Her email. Delete and throw out all letters, pictures, personal items etc. (God I am getting tired of telling people how to move on in life)

This concept of "We will just be friends" is non-existant. What that means in girl-talk is this - "I will keep you around long enough for however long I need you. Once I have a new man, I will be finished with you."

I’ve seen some people spend years trying to get over someone who left them. I feel like I will be one of them too if I don't start feeling better soon...

You will only be one of those people if you allow yourself. Stand your ass up one day and tell yourself "This is the day I do what have to to get on with my life." And then actually do it.

It's either that, or sit around in the dark in your pathetic self-loathing.

It's your choice.

[Echelon]

Well, yeah Cybog, all that does make perfect sense and seems easy enough. But anything with love seems to never be easy, whether it be trying to find it or trying to forget it. I can only imagine how rarely we would hear about people suffering, if love was such a simple obstacle to overcome. So you shouldn't seem so angry with the fact that I was (or maybe still am) clueless as to how I need to move on.

But you couldn't be more right about me and what I need to do. Yet it will still take me some time to be able to just shut Lisa completely out. I mean after 3 years of always being there for her I can't just simply throw the emotions I had for her away. Of course if she calls im going to pick up Of course if she needs a ride im going to give it to her.

But im sure soon I will realize that it's only holding me back, and im probably foolish for not listening to everyone who has told me what I needed to do. But im starting to think that maybe this is something we all have to figure out on our own.

Learning things the hard way in my opinion is the best way to learn. Not the easiest or most fun but it does keep you from making the same mistake twice, at least for me. And this is my first serious split up. I have been doing a lot of reading on this subject and I can see that it takes time to heal and move on. I still need a little more time probably, but after awhile we'll see then.

Thank you for your words...

[Cybog]

I didn't say it would be easy. As much of a prick as I am, I am deadly realistic about love and life. I realize that it wont be easy. But I can tell you, from experience, the absolute best medicine for getting over someone is to do whatever you can to move on, as quickly as possible.

The more you collect and think and wonder and communicate the longer and harder this will be for you. You are right that it takes time, but you don't have to make things worse for yourself by surrounding yourself in a world still controlled by her.

[schueys_girl]

Cyborg is completely right, as harsh as he talks it is completely true. What he said was basically what I was saying but i was sugar-coating it not to hurt your feelings.

Cutting contact is very hard but it needs to be done. Imagine you get through 3 days of not thinking about her, you start to feel a little better about yourself and then all of sudden she calls, or you desperately feel the need to call her again. BANG there you go right back at the beginning again thinking of her, hearing her voice, imagning her. It just doesnt work.

" Of course if she calls im going to pick up Of course if she needs a ride im going to give it to her..." You cant do this anymore im afraid. If she calls your mobile and you know its her dont answer it. It has to be done. If your worried its an emergancy or something bad has happened to her she will leave you a message. If she calls you home phone fair enuff you will answer as you dont know its her but keep the convo brisk and dont divulge into emotions.

As for the ride mate im sorry to say but you are being taken for one. She broke up with you; there fore it is not your problem that she doesnt have a car anymore...she has friends as you said, surely family and im quite sure there are buses and stuff or trains no?! Come on see the light here, while your still giving her rides its an excuse for her not to sort out her own car, and its an excuse for you just to grab a few precious minutes with her. It isnt going to help you at all...

Like you said it will take time for you to move on, and this could take a looooooong time, but you wont move on if you keep seeing her or speaking to her it will just set u back again. You need a good amount of time without her completely so you can find out who you are and get some self-esteem back.

No we dont expect you to throw away 3 years of emotions towards her, just stop using them...

[cycletease]

Let me take my stab here:

Nobody goes through a breakup without having the feelings that you are experiencing. Your background perhaps means that you haven't had a chance to develop the skills to cope as well as some other people...but you are absolutely capable of handling this and going on with your life. Does my broken heart hurt less than yours? No, we all feel it the same but we DO go on and live happy lives.

Although it is hard to see that you can ever be happy again, you are WRONG. Think of life as a book and each time you finish one chapter you start a new one. When my sister left her husband 4 years ago she felt that her life was over and that she couldn't go on. Now she has a successful business, a new car, a boyfriend and a new home. She looks back and is so glad that she is working on this chapter of her life.

People start over all of the time and usually it is for the better!

You are going to get through this and you are going to be better for it. You have learned a lot and have had to grow up. A good way to start is to pretend to be happy. You are doing this already and it is great. Put a smile on your face and fake it, one day you will wake up and find that you are not faking it anymore.

Don't allow yourself to be depressed and to obsess about her. You know that you want to and you cannot allow it.

Stay strong and stay away from her. PERMANENTLY. You will meet new people and although you don't want to believe (because you really don't want to let go) you are going to fall in love again and be so glad that you have grown up and gotten through this period.

You have us here as a support group. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done for now. You are going to feel sad and lonely...and you are not alone. We all know how you feel and we are all looking out for your best interest. You can do this, I know you can and you will be better for it.

[Echelon]

Hey, thank you all for putting some of your time into helping me. Today I went to a group therapy thing. It was nice, I learned some things about relationships and how or why they can crumble. I guess I am feeling a little better now but I still feel like there is a hole inside of me.

But as everyone seems to keep telling me, I will move on and get past this and im sure that if somthing like this were to ever happen again I would be better prepared.

As for finding a new job... thats another story because I REALLY want my old one back. But my ex-boss said that in time after I have healed and can show him that if there ever is a next time for pain, i'll handle it better and then I can start working with him again.

Anyway I'll get back with yall later.

[schueys_girl]

Well it sounds like your doing well, and taking the right steps. Definetly keep us posted mate, your certainly heading in the right direction xxx

[Echelon]

Well, I'll talk about what happened today...

I got a phone call today around noon and when I picked it up it was Lisa... She asked me if i would like to go out and eat. I said no that I was busy, (even though I wasn't i was just trying to listen to every ones advise) but she cut me off and her voice changed and she said it was important that we talk. So I said fine.

I picked her up we went out to eat and then I took her home. Nothing important ever came up... I asked her several times what was wrong but she never really told me anything. The whole time she seemed sad, depressed and run down. I felt like I was supposed to do something, but i didn't know what.

I have no clue what’s going through her head, or why she seems so upset. But knowing she's sad is making me feel worse because I thought she left me for the better of her life. And that's understandable, but It only seems she has driven herself into depression right along side of me.

Why did she leave me if this is where she ended up? and if she didn't think she would end up this way, why won't she take me back if she was so much happier with me... she was happy until a couple weeks before she left me.

Also About a few weeks ago I started getting emails from her about how bad she was doing. I thought maybe it was a hint that she wanted me back but once I tried, she refused to believe that we could ever be together again. Why is she intent on me seeing how bad she's doing when she's the one that left me?

Clueless clueless clueless...

[Cybog]

Misery loves company.

If you are going to get over this and actually move on, you need to treat this like smoking.

If you have even one - BAM - there you are smoking again.

Otherwise, I foresee in my crystal ball her wanting to get back together eventually, and then if you think things are bad now, wait until THAT relationship spirals downhill.... /shiver

[inkeepingsecret]

Ech, when reading your last post, all i could think about was how i know exactly what you are going thru. Your ex is doing what mine did. I couldnt figure it out and the time, and i dont think i have to this day. You know it doesnt make any sense at know. The only thing i could come up with was that maybe they get all depressed because they feel guilty for hurting us? When my ex initally was depressed and i was doing fine, it made me think that she wanted to get back, but thats not the case.

My advice is to move on man. This shit is gonna keep on screwing you up. Do you feel worse after you talk to her? I mean, the only times i felt really low when when i talked to her, and now im comferted in the fact that its over. If you have the idea in the back of your head that you will get back together, then you are setting yourself up to get hurt again.

I know this might be difficult, but bank on the fact that it is probably over.The best way to handle this is to accept that. Only good can come from that rationale. I think 2 things can happen.

1. You will move on; meet new friends, get interested in new things, start having a good time, eventually connect with other girls. Get on with life

2. She may change her mind down the road, want to get back with you, and it will complelty catch you off guard. But the difference will be that you will know whats out there and you will know for sure if she is the one that you want to be with. You will be confident in the fact that being on your own is ok.

In my opinion, this is the only way to go. It took me a while to figure out, but its true. Good luck man