Girlfriend very distant. When to break up vs. just take a break?

[Dolmetscher]

I've been in a long distance relationship for going on 6 months now. She's 4 hours away, so it's not SOOOO long. In the beginning I drove there, or she drove here every second week. And we'd take so much time off of work, that we'd see each other for 4-5 days at a time. It was a very passionate relationship. Lots of amazing sex. Lots of pillow talk. We basically would just call time out on the world, and totally climb inside this bubble of peace when we were with each other.

But then her business started to suffer. She has been separated from her husband for a year and is going through the last of an emotional divorce. He is wealthy, and she is not. So she is just now, for the first time getting a real taste of the fear and dread that comes with being "on your own." So, she is genuinely freaking out. And it happened so suddenly. The last time I was there, she just suddenly went and checked her account balances, and she walked out, and we haven't been the same since.

She basically said, I can't see you in January. I have to get my business in order. And she was right. We had both put aside our lives to be with each other. We had both over-spent making our trips to see each other magical. I knew it had to be reigned in. In fact, I had already had that exact conversation with her about my finances; she was merely agreeing with me, but taking it one step further to actually say, NO VISITS in January.

Well... that "No visit" rule has come to be a almost no phone call, no text, deep deep depression situation. We used to text each other all day with little cute this and that's. She'd text me pictures of two pairs of shoes and ask me which one's I liked better for the dress she is wearing (also in a picture). It was all that sickeningly sweet new love stuff. Well... ALL of that has stopped. She never texts me. We used to talk for hours on the phone; now she only calls me when she needs something for her business (I am doing a simple web-design for her business). I have been really understanding. And I DO understand! This shit has to be the scariest time in her life. I don't pressure her. I don't offer up too much advice or anything. I let her know that she can call me any time, and that everything is going to be okay.

But lately, things have gotten to be pretty bad. Now she not only barely ever calls me, when she does call me she kinda talks to me like crap. If she is upset, and I try to comfort her, she just barks "I KNOW ALL THAT!!!!" at me. Or she just kinda gives me this impatient "When is this website going to be ready?" feel. But the most insulting thing is... she will be on the phone with me, and then someone else will call, and she will take their call, and NEVER come back to me. So, I hang up after 5 minutes or so. And she never calls back. Or she will take a call and tell me that she will call me right back, but then she never does. Or she will at 1:30 in the morning. And I'll be asleep, and will say, "What happened." and she will say that her sister called, and she had to handle her situation (her sister is a drama queen).

So, basically I have become literally dead last on her list of priorities. And when I mention it to her she tries to make me feel just overly sensitive, and that I need to toughen up. And she gives the same sob story about her business falling apart etc. Last night we were talking about it on the phone as she went to meet a friend for drinks after a show they went to... and I told her that now is not the time to have this conversation, but she wanted to anyway... but then while I was talking, she walked into the loud bar with music and everything, and basically I couldn't hear a word, and just hung up after literally 3-4 minutes of saying "hello... hello... hello?"

So, my feelings are needless to say, really hurt. I feel like she just shoves me aside as if I am almost an annoyance to have to deal with. Her life seems so busy, and whatever... I just don't think that she has any space in it for me right now.

But what to do??? She's not a bad person. For 5 months we were an unstopable super couple. And then... literally overnight... flop. I've never "taken a break" before. Does that shit work? Or is that some Hollywood crap, and we'll end up just never getting it together again? Her birthday is coming up in 2 weeks, so I don't want to just drop her right now. But I have to admit, if her birthday were no right around the corner, I think I'd be having some totally different kinds of conversations with her.

What do you guys think I should do?

[ashley89]

it definitely sounds like she is not making time for you and is putting you at the bottom of her list. I understand she has a lot going on, but that isn't an excuse to ignore you. when people are going through stressful times, they should go to their significant other for support and help, not push them away! I think you should have a serious talk with her, rather sooner than later. even though her birthday is coming up, if you don't talk about it now, it's gonna bother you for 2 more weeks. try to get her at a time when you can talk to her seriously about how she's making you feel. if she's not willing to make time for you, I think it's time to move on to someone else who will give you the attention and respect you deserve!

[ZachN]

It's really a unique chance for you that her birthday is coming.

Figure out a way to make her birthday special on your side,
so that she forgets about all the stress for at least one day.

Maybe then, based on her reaction, you can decide where
your relationship with her stands.

All the best!

[sweetkissesforu]

It's really a unique chance for you that her birthday is coming.

Figure out a way to make her birthday special on your side,
so that she forgets about all the stress for at least one day.

Maybe then, based on her reaction, you can decide where
your relationship with her stands.


All the best!

Bad advice Zach its a commited relationship with 2 people who both need each other she is being self absorbed my advice move on if she can not find time for you

[xxazurexx]

I personally and this is just my opinion, think you'd be best off moving on.

What you two shared, seems to be very much over and I'm thinking that it's nothing to do with depression, but because she has lost 'that' feeling for you.

People who are depressed, look to loved ones and their closest loved on for support and a listening ear, someone who will understand....they do not tend to push loved ones away.

You are last on her list of priorities it seems. You neither are a part of her everyday life, her social life, she no longer texts you or calls you, only will communicate with you and when it's to enquire about the business/website, cuts you off and to talk to other people and 'barks' at you on the phone.

I am really surprised that you have remained in her life and for so long and having endured this kind of treatment....which I see as 'rude and disrespectful'.....

[Dolmetscher]

Bad advice Zach its a commited relationship with 2 people who both need each other she is being self absorbed my advice move on if she can not find time for you

I disagree... I think Zach's advice is brilliant. Of course, I already called her and sat her down and had a very long and stiff conversation with her. She was upset, and initially tried to defend herself, but quickly stopped and just said, "I know you are right. And I know that if I were in your position, I'd feel exactly the same way." She then asked me to specifically tell her exactly what it is that I'd need from her to feel loved. I told her. And now, well... we'll see. Her birthday is in two weeks. That sounds like a perfect amount of time for me to see if she is serious or if I go back to stray dog status. If so... Bye bye!

But to xxazurexx and sweetkissesforu... I do thank you for being so frank and honest. And I know that there is a time when being supportive is just a cover up for being a rag doll to be kicked around. So, I am glad that there are people like you on here to snap people out of their Bullsiht and get them to leave. But I still say, in the absence of violence, drugs, or other major moral issues, breaking up should be done as a last resort. I am NOT of the opinion that having dated 300 people in your past makes you and experienced and self-aware person. I think that dating different people and breaking up is VERY educational... to a certain point. After that, you are learning nothing more than how to close off.

But really... what do I know?!? I just think that my girl deserves more of a chance than I've given her. I'd hate to think that she'd ditch out on me if I had some job troubles for a few weeks. That being said... if she came to me, and laid it all out for me like I did for her today... and I still didn't change, then I'd EXPECT her to ditch me.

[xxazurexx]

But I still say, in the absence of violence, drugs, or other major moral issues, breaking up should be done as a last resort. I am NOT of the opinion that having dated 300 people in your past makes you and experienced and self-aware person. I think that dating different people and breaking up is VERY educational... to a certain point. After that, you are learning nothing more than how to close off.

From what you said and the way you described it, there didn't appear a need to break up - the 'breaking up' had already occurred and courtesy of her and on her part.
This 'isn't a relationship you had recently going. It was a one between an 'owner and a dog'. I'd imagine that in some cases, a dog is treated better. It sure isn't my view of how a relationship should be.

Nonetheless, you have now laid your cards on the table. Perhaps a wake up call is what she needed and to realise the error of her ways - we shall see what transpires.

It is a shame in the first place, that she had to be reminded of how to treat a partner and what is required within a relationship....hmmm

[Dolmetscher]

It is a shame in the first place, that she had to be reminded of how to treat a partner and what is required within a relationship....hmmm

You are right. It is a shame. I'm just glad I've never made a mistake in my life. Guess you haven't either.

(And I promise I mean all that with a good humor. Not trying to dig at you after you tried to help me. I do appreciate it mate.)

[xxazurexx]

You are right. It is a shame. I'm just glad I've never made a mistake in my life. Guess you haven't either.

I've made mistakes sure - but I've never treated a partner in the way this woman has....NO.

[Dolmetscher]

And...... Scene!

Thanks to everyone for coming. I had a great time. We'll be in touch.