problems when my gf goes out without me

[student21]

Ok eveybody, Here's a long long story but its been eating at me for a long time now and need to solve it.
Me and my girlfriend are together about 3 and half years. Its only been in the last year or so that she has started going out with her girlfriends to pubs and clubs etc. I love her and trust her yet find myself feeling bad when she goes out without me. I don't ever find myself worrying about what she is doing or whether lads are trying it on with her, I know lads will because thats what guys often do when out and they spot an attractive girl. But I know what my gf is like so know I'm safe if something like that ever does happen and she would never run with it or let anything happen that would result in cheating on me.
When she does go out I feel anxious, down, worried etc. I know one concern is her safety. Especially when she goes out in Dublin city rather than her much smaller and safer hometown. My worries are always her getting home safely as she'd probably need to walk alone and get a taxi alone. Usually if I don't go out with her I'd be asleep before she heads home so cant text to see if she got home safely. And in the morning she wont wake until 1 or 2 so I have to go until then without knowing she's ok which makes my day a mess of worry and causes time to drag by as I usually work on weekends which is when she goes out and this makes a tough day even worse. I have in the past asked her to text me when she gets home safely so i can read it in the morning but after a few drinks and an exhausting night of dancing she can understandably forget to do so. This makes me worry more which is why i don't ask her to do it anymore.
Originally it was her school friends she would go out with in her hometown. One of these girls has always had a problem with me and despite me going to ridiculous lengths to be nice to her and friendly she continues to treat me horrible. I think this was the cause of some of my anxiety when my gf first started going out as this friend of hers would be manipulative and cruel in her technique to convince my gf to go out with her and not bring me. I understand that she needs girls nights out and time to herself but this friend of hers would guilt her into going out with her instead of me even if me and my gf already had made plans. This included making my gf leave me for her on the day of my grandparents funeral once the burial ended rather than staying by my side as I needed her the most. Furthermore I would worry about what this friend would be doing and saying to my gf as often she would return the next day acting off towards me and having questions and doubts about our relationship (which luckily always got solved). This would only ever happen after she was with this particular friend even if they were just hanging out one day rather than going out. It would never happen with any other friends of hers.
the next thing that was causing me hurt was the fact that I was constantly making attempts to involve my gf in my life outside of her i.e. with my friends and coming out with us as a group and rarely would I go out or go to a party or anything without asking my gf along. and we would always have a great time. The problem was she was keeping me out of her life with her friends. There was reasons for this, mostly that most her friends were girls so when they got together it was a girls night rather than a girls + me night. To make me feel worse for a different reason, when she did finally take me out with her and her friends in a situation with other lads there, the friend of hers previously mentioned kept her away from me all night, assigning me as bag minder while she dragged my gf up to dance and left me behind. she even made my gf leave the club without me at closing time and I spent ages searching the club for my gf before finally getting through on the phone. It was a bad idea for me to go out with her like that. Which made me feel unwanted by her as someone to have with her when she is out.
Now a days my gf still goes out with her school friends occasionally but also will go out with her college friends, Here is where worry starts as they will go out in the big city and as i mentioned before I worry about her safety. But now there are situations where guys will be out with her so the girls + me thing should not be an issue yet it continues that I don't get invited to anything with her. She's been in college almost a year and I haven't met any of her friends depsite many oppertunities to introduce me. When she does go out with them though she will text saying 'wish you were here with me' and things like that but never makes an effort to make that happen, This causes me to feel depressed as I lie home alone wanting to be out with her when she tells me these things but then feeling guilty for wanting to interupt into her time. and until she texts me the next day these bad feelings continue.
Finally, there is a problem when she goes out with me. It feels a bit like she will only go out to clubs with me if its in a group. She wont go out somewhere one on one with me. She also doesnt really drink if its with me she saves it all for when she's with her friends which kinda makes me feel upset that we cant share that experience. Its like she can only really let lose when I'm not around. But I want to have that kinda crazy time out with her that she seems to only have with her friends. I also often feel she doesnt really want to go out with me and my friends at times. Like she only does to make me happy but wont relax and enjoy it properly.
I love my girlfirend very much and trust her completely. Thats why I have no issue with what goes on when she is out. I want us to have a healthy relationship in regards to our time out together or on our own. And I want to stop these bad feelings that keep coming up whenever she goes out.

Anyway if you read this far well done and any tips or help would greatly be appreciated

[student21]

Also the reason I bring this up is because for the last 2 weeks I've had her stay with me so I can drive her to college rather than her getting public transport as my house is closer than home for her. This means getting up at 7 rather than half 9 driving in traffic for hour and a half then hour back then back out later that day for an hours drive then back in traffic for an hour and a half as welll as supporting her through 2 highly stressful weeks for her in college. This included making her dinner, running out to her college in the middle of the day to look after her when she got upset from the stress, helping her with her work, (at the same time trying to write a 10000 word dissertation by the end of the week for my own college work), phoning her whenever she needed someone to talk to, going to the shop for anything she needed. etc. etc. etc. but when it was time to go out on the friday night for all the hard work she put in it seems that once it was over for her that all i did for her was forgotten. This made me feel very unappreciated as I did so much and tried so hard to make sure she was ok through this tough time. I haven't been shown any sort of gratitude in return for all I did. My gf is not a bad or ungreatful person though. She is very caring and kind and nice to me, Maybe it was all the stress that made her forget but it still doesnt help me feel good about all I do for her

[Boisdevie]

Sounds like you are trying to control her a bit too much. If you don't give her space you might just end up pushing her away.

[Emerald_Dreams]

I'm not seeing "trying to control her" at all, and as indicated in his post, the problem is space - too much of it! That's such a typical response people like to throw around at guys these days: controlling, insecure, etc. But the fact is the OP instinctively knows there's a problem with his relationship.

When she does go out I feel anxious, down, worried etc. I know one concern is her safety. Especially when she goes out in Dublin city rather than her much smaller and safer hometown. My worries are always her getting home safely as she'd probably need to walk alone and get a taxi alone. Usually if I don't go out with her I'd be asleep before she heads home so cant text to see if she got home safely. And in the morning she wont wake until 1 or 2 so I have to go until then without knowing she's ok which makes my day a mess of worry and causes time to drag by as I usually work on weekends which is when she goes out and this makes a tough day even worse. I have in the past asked her to text me when she gets home safely so i can read it in the morning but after a few drinks and an exhausting night of dancing she can understandably forget to do so. This makes me worry more which is why i don't ask her to do it anymore.

This isn't controlling at all (does he actually do anything to change her behavior? no...) This is a very manly thing for you to feel. Honest. It shows that you truly care about her and her safety.

Originally it was her school friends she would go out with in her hometown. One of these girls has always had a problem with me and despite me going to ridiculous lengths to be nice to her and friendly she continues to treat me horrible. I think this was the cause of some of my anxiety when my gf first started going out as this friend of hers would be manipulative and cruel in her technique to convince my gf to go out with her and not bring me. I understand that she needs girls nights out and time to herself but this friend of hers would guilt her into going out with her instead of me even if me and my gf already had made plans. This included making my gf leave me for her on the day of my grandparents funeral once the burial ended rather than staying by my side as I needed her the most. Furthermore I would worry about what this friend would be doing and saying to my gf as often she would return the next day acting off towards me and having questions and doubts about our relationship (which luckily always got solved). This would only ever happen after she was with this particular friend even if they were just hanging out one day rather than going out. It would never happen with any other friends of hers. Now a days my gf still goes out with her school friends occasionally but also will go out with her college friends, Here is where worry starts as they will go out in the big city and as i mentioned before I worry about her safety. But now there are situations where guys will be out with her so the girls + me thing should not be an issue yet it continues that I don't get invited to anything with her. She's been in college almost a year and I haven't met any of her friends depsite many oppertunities to introduce me. When she does go out with them though she will text saying 'wish you were here with me' and things like that but never makes an effort to make that happen, This causes me to feel depressed as I lie home alone wanting to be out with her when she tells me these things but then feeling guilty for wanting to interupt into her time. and until she texts me the next day these bad feelings continue.

Okay, now these are some serious problems. Your girlfriend should have your back. When her "friend" is being rude to you, your girlfriend should account for you. It sounds like this "friend" is driving a wedge between you and your girlfriend, and your girlfriend is letting her. You need to talk to your girlfriend about these concerns. It also sounds like she's keeping you separate from her life. That's a bit of a bad sign, and disrespectful IMO after you've been together for so many years. Tell her all this needs to change. There's no reason why you're home alone and miserable while your girlfriend is out partying? That's ridiculous. I know after 3 years you have a lot of feelings for her, but I would seriously question the relationship - it's not healthy.

[girl68]

You're thowing 1 blanket over several issues. The issue is NOT her going out...
The issues here are:
1) You fear for her safety. Ok well you say you fall asleep then wake the hell up at 3am and text her. It's bullshit you just say I'm soooooo worried, but I'm sleeping... In the morning, you call her you keep callng her until you finally reach her. Or you leave a nice text and wait her her 1pm response when she gets up. If you truely fear THAT much for her safety you better start offering to pick her up! This is entirely on you, not her.

2) You have an issue with 1 friend in particular. Have you talked to her about this friend? Saying while you're not asking to cut her out mention that you suspect her dislike for you and feel that when she comes home after a night out with her, she seems cold and you think the issue is becasue her friend is planting a negative seed in her head. Talk to her about this friend. Ask her if this friend dislikes you and perahps an explanation as to why. If she doesn't want to talk about don't push her. Just explain how you feel when she's out with her and leave it at that.

3) Your gf doesn't take you out. Have you expressed an interest in going out with her in a group? Often times she thinks you don't WANT to go... Tell her when it's a group affair you'd love to hang out, go clubbing, dancing drinking. Tell her you'd enjoy a night out with just her occasionaly. Tell her you want to meet her friends for a drink or whatever.

4) When she does take you out, express how it feels when she runs off with her gf for hours to dance and you're stuck behind bag sitting. Tell her you want to hit the bar for a shot, and get freaky on the dance floor. (don't lie though... if you're not a dancer don't pretend to want to). You should be real careful with this next point because it may have been too long ago now... but remind her that when she left the club without you how upset you were. This is where I think she's wrong but mostly I think you are but more for not brining it up than feeling like you do. She never should have done that and most certainly should apologize for it. You do NOT leave somone behind in the club, and don't blame the friend, this was all your gf and your gf's fault only.

Basically I don't think you're talking to her. You just expect her to know, and she doesn't. So TALK.

[Mary_A]

I have no idea why people are blaming him? Guy, you are an outstanding boyfriend. If I were you, I'd wonder if I was on the same page as the girlfriend, however. She should not be hanging around women who make her doubt her relationship, and she should be inviting you out a lot more. You have every reason to be concerned about her safety, it shows you really care, but I can't understand the mindset of someone who routinely likes to go out without her boyfriend, and a girl that hates him, and questions the relationship the following day. I don't know how you could put up with such cruel immaturity.

[Mary_A]

Obviously, he IS that worried. Therefore you're saying he needs to pick her up. She should be responsible and let him know she's safe. He's the one anxious at home, she's the one who routinely ignores her because she's too drunk to let him know she's safe.

[girl68]

Not buying it. If he's as worried as he says he is there would be absolutely no sleeping so I'm not buying it at all.

[Mary_A]

Not buying it. If he's as worried as he says he is there would be absolutely no sleeping so I'm not buying it at all.

If we're reading the same thing, she does this often. He is also a good boyfriend who realizes she needs her independence and does not want to be clingy and needy with her, so what else is he supposed to do if she has a history of this, drive by the bars and clubs and look for her during his sleepless night? He says he works weekends. Really what more can he do?

Why are you so hell-bent on painting this boyfriend as the bad guy? Where does anything indicate that he's doing something wrong or he's a bad boyfriend?

[Petit Papillon]

People , start to behave, I don't feel like deleting all those posts everytime you start throwing feces at yourself. Behave or all of you get an infraction, got it? Now, go back to the discussion and discuss like intelligent people and not like monkeys in the jungle.

[girl68]

Why are you so hell-bent on painting this boyfriend as the bad guy? Where does anything indicate that he's doing something wrong or he's a bad boyfriend?

He's not a bad guy, he's not communicating properly. I never once came close to saying "BAD BOYFRIEND." I do think he's a good guy he just hasn't conducted himself properly in communication. My bet is she has NO clue he feels like this.

[Emerald_Dreams]

Some women just like to blame men, even if they have to make stuff up to do so. *shrugs*

Anyway, it's pointless to argue about the assumption of whether or not he's communicating with her until he posts again to clarify it for us all.

And at any rate, her behavior is fishy regardless.

[SelflessnHumble]

(1) You cannot hold people to the same expectations you feel are required forms of reciprocity in order to make "you" feel good. This doesn't work, EVER.
(2) Let's be honest: her safety is a byproduct of your insane/internal jealousy and insecurity.
(3) Women (like men) need to go out with their friends, "her girls." If they are a bad influence I can understand your POV, but it is still HER choice, not yours.
(4) NO ONE made your GF do anything bro: she wanted to leave you there...
(5) If you feel sad about it: then approach her about it: and she puts it back on you: She doesn't give a shit about you, dude. Deflection is a sign of a person not willing to take responsibility.

-If she cannot let loose around YOU: ask yourself why this is! There is an answer: if you need proof: then ask her, stop internalizing these feelings.
-If you haven't met her friends: this is a CLEAR indication she is cheating on you. A girl who is crazy about her man is usually dying to show off their catch to their friends.
-Your insecurity isn't doing you any favors. You love someone who given the opportunity treats you like a 3rd rate dial a date chump, and yet you harbor these feelings?

Something doesn't add up, you do see that right?
If she wants to go out and let loose, only to get back to her boring and mundane life with you: she is rightfully allowed to do so...
You don't have the right to take this bullshit. Going out is more enjoyable than being with you. You rely on HER to validate your life: the main ingredient for disaster.

[Emerald_Dreams]

And some guys like to AMOG and inflate themselves by accusing other men of being insecure and jealous. *shrugs* You find all types of crazy characters in life.

[Mary_A]

^ Do you hate men or something? Seriously. He's insecure? He said over and over he trusts her completely. I don't even know why he trusts her, she acts shady.