Need some feedback...

[JGS]

So my girlfriend and I have been together for about a year now. We both attend the same university and see each other every day. We are very open with each other and have talked several times about marriage sometime in the future. Things were going fantastic, until one day when her roommates (who are all guys and friends of mine) threw a party. She met these two French guys there, who for the last 2 weeks she has been flirting with continuously. I tried my best to ignore it, but coming off a long term relationship previously in which i was cheated on, I started to get paranoid. I started noticing small things that had happened just before the end of my last relationship. Things like not kissing me as much, getting annoyed by my affection, no longer wearing jewelry I got her, not wanting my arm around her at the movies (only when we go with the French guys), and lots of other little things like that. I started going crazy after a few days. My jealousy was making her feel claustrophobic in our relationship and made her feel like i didn't trust her. All of this made her act really weird for a few days. Just disconnected, quiet, all things that only scared me more. I got scared because of all the signs mentioned earlier and explained how i felt and why. It helped a little, and we both agreed that we still want to be together for a long time to come, but things were still weird between us. I started to think that maybe i was just being over sensitive to things because of my past experiences. I wondered if i was seeing things that weren't actually there because of my jealousy. We finally worked it out and talked about it for a long time. Things are now 99% back to the way they they were before and we are both happy. However, she did finally admit that she is attracted to one of the French guys, but would never act on it. She just really enjoys the attention. While i still feel bad that I made her feel so claustrophobic by being jealous, I cant help but feel that i had the right to be....since all of those little things i noticed turned out to mean exactly what i thought they meant. I'm not looking for "am i right or am i wrong" here...just some feedback on how to handle this sort of thing in the future and not let it happen again. For all i know it may be me who's tempted next time.

[Kaius]

she should be more considerate and not flirt or pay attention to the french dudes. I mean, it's natural to feel jealous... you didn't do anything wrong. she didn't allow you to feel secure, so it's her fault. And you were right that she was attracted to one of the frenchmen. Whether or not she would act on it, that's something else. she shouldn't keep her man (you) feeling stressed about the relationship. I say dump her.

[JGS]

Can a get a girl's perspective on this as well?

[twinrexes]

I'm quite a bit older than your girlfriend, but in the many relationships I've had, I only got crushes on other men when I wasn't totally into the guy I was seeing. On the other hand, if it's just the attention she's enjoying she might just be feeling that things are too routine between the two of you. If this guy is a little flirty with her maybe it makes her feel desirable and attractive. Is there some way YOU can make her feel that way? I mean, bring back a little of the romance in your relationship?

[missteek]

I think for some people, healthy flirting is normal and can actually be a good thing in a relationship. By "healthy" I mean lighthearted flirting that is done openly in front of your partner and that doesn't actually proposition someone. If your girlfriend has a gregarious outgoing personality than flirthing is probably a part of her personality, and indeed could be completely harmless. It sounds like she is very open with you about her feellings, by telling you that she found one of the French guys attractive. You probably noticed he was a good looking guy as well, I mean everyone can tell the difference between a jaguar and a jalopy. It doesn't mean she wanted to sleep with him just because she has eyes and can see his physical appearance. Although it is natural for you to be somewhat suspicious after being cheated on in the past, and I am sure your girlfriend keeps this in mind when you overreact sometimes. It sounds to me like the lines of communication are open between you and that you both want to make the relationship work, which is vital in any relationship. I don't think you have anything to worry about unless she starts lying to you. Good luck to the both of you.

[reeba]

'While i still feel bad that I made her feel so claustrophobic by being jealous, I cant help but feel that i had the right to be....since all of those little things i noticed turned out to mean exactly what i thought they meant.'

No IT DID NOT mean what you thought. You thought she was going to cheat on you. She didn't. All she was, was attracted to them and enjoyed the attention. When a good looking guy flirts with you it is a ego boost. Nothing more than that. Don't you feel the same way when a cute waitress does it to you. You feel giddy and leave an extra tip. But it doesn't mean you are going to leave a phone number and pursue it.

You are over sensitive. In every walk of life you are going to see people you find attractive, and in every walk in life you are going to find people who like to flirt. You need to get over your past, because you acting like this may eventually piss her off to the point that she leaves. And on the other hand, she shouldn't be flirting back so blatantly in front of you. But with how oversensitive you are, who knows how innocent the flirting was. I occassionally like to joke around-flirt with my guy friends.

Just hope she doesn't turn the tables on you, and next time a waitress at the bar/restraunt is nice to you, she doesn't accuse you of the same things.

[JGS]

thanks reeba and missteek. I think thats what i needed to hear.

[magnolia6548]

I wouldnt worry too much unless she starts to lie or hide things, in which case you may also want to evlauate what you may have done to cause it...was it that you were too controlling of the situation, etc. A little flirtation should be normal....don't ever try to prevent her from cheating (unless by way of changing something you may be doing wrong or lacking) because it will usually only cause more problems....people will do what they want at the end of the day and look out in their own best interest....