what were his intentions?

[yasminela]

Hello
I would really appreciate any opinions on this "relationship" of mine because I just keep so much thinking about it that it really hurts me.
It's been some time now (six month) when I was approached by this one man who was for his study abroad at my university. We went to the same class and even though we have never had much conversation, I really liked him both from a physical and emotional point of view, but I was afraid to approach him since, well, he was returning back to his country soon. Then, he asked me out about a week before he left and it just felt all so wonderful and while on the first two dates I had not even touched him - as I said, I was too scared plus it did not feel right at the time, he constantly made allusions, which made it pretty obvious that he wanted me to hug him.
And, well, here comes the third date with me in his apartment and him telling me that he is looking for a girlfriend (though he told me that a distance relationship has never worked for him before), that he likes me and how I am beautiful, how the person who will be in a relationship with me will be very happy and all that... The issue is that he really seemed like a nice guy and I trusted him that he had not initiated any contact sooner simply because he did not feel there was the right opportunity and so on.
OK, back to the third date... I loved him, I wanted to be with him, feeling that I literally might not meet anyone like that again and could not imagine losing him just because I did not let him close to me before he left, and so I took the risk. We did not sleep with each other (he did not even try to, probably sensing that I would not agree to it anyway) but he kissed me and touched my body - and as far as I can tell, he seemed quite into it.
One thing I did not tell him, though, was that I have never been in a relationship before. It was my first kiss and I loved it so much with him that I could not imagine losing him afterwards. And then, well, he returned back to his country, I wrote him a few emails (like three during two weeks or so), on which he replied but with only very impersonal matters, so I asked him if he would like to be with me and if he likes me - he said that he likes me a lot and that we could try, but then it was again just impersonal sporadic emails and when I let him know that I need him to tell me what's going on, he wrote me that he cannot be my bf (the distance oh so great and stuff), but that he has no problem at all to stay friends with me.
I still write him like twice a month and he usually replies, but it is pretty obvious he probably does not feel much for me. I guess I would just like to ask you if on the basis of I wrote you think that he might have loved me at the beginning, and that I just messed up something to put him off (to expect an answer on an email within a week and asking what he feels to me might be too clingy? he lost respect for me because I gave myself to him easily...?), or... why do you think that he behaved in this way? I mean, if he did not care at all, why the hell would he want to stay friends (there is not going to be any benefit out of it)?
I just keep analyzing it all the time and need some advice or I am seriously going to get mad out of it (I oscillate between feelings of being used to feelings of total love for the person). I think the problem is that considering he was my first, it just all went a bit too fast for me (well, I would have never imagined having a tongue first kiss while being half-naked in front of the guy... not that the chemistry would not have been great), and with him ending it so abruptly, I just cannot handle it the way it is appropriate.
Thanks in advance for any help or opinions... I really have to stop analyzing what happened.

[xxazurexx]

Course he didn't love you in the beginning. How could he possibly love you? He hardly knew you, you spent 3 dates together...there was no time in which to develop emotions for you. He may have been in 'lust' with you, that is all....and 'lust' wears off.

You say you didn't have sex....then you say:

he lost respect for me because I gave myself to him easily.....

I think the problem is that considering he was my first,.....

Soooo, did you have sex or not and if not, then why do you consider you gave yourself so easily to him and he was your 'first' what???

What I see here, is that this was some guy who came from abroad and to study for a short time. He meets some 'infatuated' girl, thought you'd perhaps be an 'easy lay' so he's dated you.....

He's now back in his own country and hasn't shown an interest since and except by way of formalities.

He obviously isn't interested in pursuing anything further and making it quite clear he isn't....you just refuse to accept it and continue to bug him....which is eventually why all communication from him will likely soon cease.

[yasminela]

Thanks for your reply. It was quite an eye opener. Any more such opinions from other people would be appreciated.

And what I meant by first... well, first attempt at male contact, first kiss. I know, crazy (I'm 19). I guess that my post might have come off as that I have slept with him (which I did not) because, frankly, I am not sure whether I would emotionally feel any different if we had sex.

The problem with his replies is that he in fact says that he is always glad to hear from me, and when I asked him if it would make him better if I stopped, he didn't say yes to that. So I guess it is just very confusing. Do you think that it is all out of a formality nevertheless? It's just that I'm so stupid relationships-wise...

Thanks.

[smackie9]

Guys want sex period. Sure he was a nice guy, BUT if he can't get sex out of this situation on a full time basis, then it's really not worth his time and energy. He probably noticed that you were getting attached to him, so he backed off making a move for sex. Here's the deal, sex is not love. If a guy kisses you, touches you and even has sex with you, it's just for self pleasure...no feelings attached. So never mistake it as love. They need to get to know you and develop feelings over time, so it's always best to hold off on the sex until they prove to you they want to be involved with you. Guys don't beat around the bush like girls do. What they tell you is the way it is, the honest truth. He told you he wasn't interested in a LDR, and that doesn't need to be questioned any further. Just know when to call it quits and now is the time.

Tip: guys are very sexually driven creatures. They want to F uck everything in sight. When they see a hot girl walkin by, they think of doing her, or the waitress, or the cashier, the next door neighbour, co worker, etc. They think like that 24-7. So just because a guy shows interest in you, he's not thinking love at that moment, he's imagining you naked at the end of his dick. This is a reality GF.

[xxazurexx]

Thing is also, he is a long distance from you and which is why a relationship for you two may be out of the question for him. That could be a reason, I'm not saying it is...

It doesn't seem to bother you in that he's a long distance and it wouldn't bother me either being in an LDR with a guy. If he felt the same way for you, I'm thinking he would want it also and despite the distance. But people are different I guess...

I also think that you have come on wayyyyy too strongly with this guy and given that you met only 3 times.This saying you loved being with him, that you didn't want to lose him...then mailing him regularly, asking him if he'd like to be with you, saying you'd like more, It's almost like you think he's obligated to be in a relationship and because he was your first guy, as in your first kiss, etc, etc. You made yourself appear a bit needy and clingy IMO....but I don't think that fact tends to bother men and if they are 'really' into you. They usually are as keen to pursue it as you are. That kinda behaviour I think only turns a guy off, if he isn't looking for a relationship.

Whatever, I think you are wasting your time and one way to find out if you are wasting your time, is this:

Don't mail him again and see if he mails you and how long it takes him to mail you.

If he doesn't mail.....there is your answer.

[xxazurexx]

Yep, Smackie has it SPOT ON!!!

[yasminela]

alright, thanks a lot to you both. I guess I will just stop writing and let it be. The problem is that I wanted to do that from the very beginning but it just feels so difficult. I realize that I might have behaved way too clingy (I know that only because he was the first kiss, it doesn't translate to any right to a relationship - which is also why I didn't tell him that (so that he wouldn't feel like he has to be with me) - yet, it is quite difficult to behave as if I no longer care), but I simply felt confused since even though he mentioned that the LDR did not work for him in the past, he somehow also mentioned that it does not mean that it could not work now. Hm... you might be right that he probably just got scared off and I misinterpreted his behaviour in the beginning... he seemed simply too gentle and caring...

[xxazurexx]

alright, thanks a lot to you both. I guess I will just stop writing and let it be. The problem is that I wanted to do that from the very beginning but it just feels so difficult. I realize that I might have behaved way too clingy (I know that only because he was the first kiss, it doesn't translate to any right to a relationship - which is also why I didn't tell him that (so that he wouldn't feel like he has to be with me) - yet, it is quite difficult to behave as if I no longer care), but I simply felt confused since even though he mentioned that the LDR did not work for him in the past, he somehow also mentioned that it does not mean that it could not work now. Hm... you might be right that he probably just got scared off and I misinterpreted his behaviour in the beginning... he seemed simply too gentle and caring...

Like I said, gather the strength and to not mail him for a while and see if he mails you. So far it would seem that you have been the one to do all the pursuing and all of the mailing.

Don't be scared to lose him. If you will lose him and 'that' easily and because you didn't mail....he aint worth your time.

If this guy cares one iota about you, or he's missing you, he will mail you....trust me.

If he doesn't, then it saves you wasting any further time on him

[smackie9]

Here's a tip: don't focus so mush attention on one guy. Date lots, get into the groove of getting to know and being around guys and then eventually you will find someone that is worthy.

[smackie9]

More than likely he had intentions of having his way with you, but realized you were looking for more, so respectfully (which is rare) he pulled away.

[HeartIsAching]

Guys want sex period. Sure he was a nice guy, BUT if he can't get sex out of this situation on a full time basis, then it's really not worth his time and energy. He probably noticed that you were getting attached to him, so he backed off making a move for sex. Here's the deal, sex is not love. If a guy kisses you, touches you and even has sex with you, it's just for self pleasure...no feelings attached. So never mistake it as love. They need to get to know you and develop feelings over time, so it's always best to hold off on the sex until they prove to you they want to be involved with you. Guys don't beat around the bush like girls do. What they tell you is the way it is, the honest truth. He told you he wasn't interested in a LDR, and that doesn't need to be questioned any further. Just know when to call it quits and now is the time.

Tip: guys are very sexually driven creatures. They want to F uck everything in sight. When they see a hot girl walkin by, they think of doing her, or the waitress, or the cashier, the next door neighbour, co worker, etc. They think like that 24-7. So just because a guy shows interest in you, he's not thinking love at that moment, he's imagining you naked at the end of his dick. This is a reality GF.

Yes and no.

Guys look at and evaluate women with the criteria, but don't necessarily want to **** them all. It's just sort of a reflex. Also, when you're 20, there's a lot more of what you say going on then when they're 40.

[smackie9]

Or course.....the majority on this forum are teens and in their early twenties. Girls don't understand what goes on a young horny guy's head.

[smackie9]

But even when a guy is in his forties, they still think like that just not on a constant level......I work with a lot of men and they tell me everything.

[HeartIsAching]

But even when a guy is in his forties, they still think like that just not on a constant level......I work with a lot of men and they tell me everything.

You're making a mistake to paint us all with the same brush, then.

Admittedly I'm over 40, but I'm not like that. I do look... and somewhere in the back of my head is a little troll going "Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No. Yes. NO!!! Yes..." but I don't want to boink all the yesses... just evaluating whether or not I would.

[smackie9]

Holy crap could we analyze this some more? Did I say that all men will literally jump on everything they see? No. Evaluating, desiring, wanting...potato po-tat o. I'm not putting this down at all, in fact I find nothing wrong with men desiring or thinking about sex, checking out tits, looking at a nice rack, whatever....it's how you are wired. It's totally understandable.....you get a boner you get a boner....big deal.