Rules that Guys Wish Women Knew

[HeartIsAching]

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports. It's like the tides or the weather, it just is.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their breasts stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, urinating standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
26. Birthdays, Valentine's, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!
27. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
28. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad is probably an idiot, too.
29. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
30. Foreign film are best left to foreigners.
31. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
32. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
33. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
34. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
35. Anyone can buy condoms.

[vertical_sky]

Maybe it's just cause I'm in a bad mood.... but your rules suck. They pretty much excuse any behavior a guy feels like (ogling, making no effort to remember things that are important to a woman, dissing her appearance, cleaning up after yourselves, saying hurtful things.) How is that fair? Feel like making a list of rules for a way a WOMAN gets to act that show as much disrespect?

[HeartIsAching]

Maybe it's just cause I'm in a bad mood.... but your rules suck. They pretty much excuse any behavior a guy feels like (ogling, making no effort to remember things that are important to a woman, dissing her appearance, cleaning up after yourselves, saying hurtful things.) How is that fair? Feel like making a list of rules for a way a WOMAN gets to act that show as much disrespect?

Oh good lord... it's a joke.

And yes, I have an alternate set of rules for women.

[HeartIsAching]

RULES FOR MEN


1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.

[MynameisJesus]

Maybe it's just cause I'm in a bad mood.... but your rules suck. They pretty much excuse any behavior a guy feels like (ogling, making no effort to remember things that are important to a woman, dissing her appearance, cleaning up after yourselves, saying hurtful things.) How is that fair? Feel like making a list of rules for a way a WOMAN gets to act that show as much disrespect?

This is why I'll never ever get married

[the_robot]

You should have said it was a joke at first, I didn't know and I was reading like "WTF?!". I'm kinda glad that doesn't apply to me, I'd hate myself if it did.

[Aniphilia]

Do these lists pertain to extra terrestials? ( Isnt that what you call non earthlings? ) How about if they are androgenous?

These were funny but in a 'looking through the telescope from a far away planet' spying on humans kind of funny.

[Yet another guy]

These were funny but in a 'looking through the telescope from a far away planet' spying on humans kind of funny.

More like spying on one couple of humans. Why not make a list that applies to most people?

For women:
1. There are no hidden messages in what he says. You can give your enigma machine a rest now.

For men:
1. There are hidden messages in what you say. Be sorry.

[red_sparrow]

LOL

i like the last one, but pardon me-- i will NEVER buy condoms.

[red_sparrow]

I agree with the guys rules except for guys night out.. there is nothing I prefer more than to be left out of an idiotic assembly of pot-smoking buffoons, drinking and doing bane, idiotic activities such as playing video games.

[red_sparrow]

Agree with cooking.
Nothing sexier than a man who cooks! *remember this, guys. Remember it well

Also agree with 'don't let her walk anywhere alone after 11 PM.'

[girl68]

HAHAHA what an unfunny joke.

[Take2]

Answers to the rules, which were obviously composed by a SINGLE man
1. If you can't reassure someone you care about on a sensitive topic, you should probably just stay single
2. If it is too challenging for you to do, why is it so simple for me?
3. If that is seriously a problem for you, you should probably just stay single.
5. If he is seriously a problem for you, you should probably just stay single.
9. If that is seriously a problem for you, you should probably just stay single.
10. It's seriously not all about you, crying is about being sad. If that is seriously a problem for you, you should probably just stay single.
12. Sure, you should do the same
13. If hygeine is seriously a problem for you, you should probably just stay single.
15. If your girlfriend has "had a headache" for 17 months...she's just not that into you.
16. Don't act like a wounded little girl when we don't fake it, and we won't
17. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Then this won't be an issue.
19. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Then this won't be an issue.
23. If you are too proud to admit you are lost and it affects my life negatively, expect that to be an issue we need to resolve. Either learn how to find where you ar going, or learn to ask when you are lost.
24. If that is seriously a problem for you, you should probably just stay single.
25. If you want me to speak your love language, you need to speak mine
28. If you are unwilling to accept the people I love, you should probably just stay single.
29. If you are unwilling to accept the people I love, you should probably just stay single.
32. If you need a vacation from your mate every single weekend, you should probably just stay single

[ashley89]

LMAO! am I the only one that got this was a joke and laughed?

[xxazurexx]

LMAO! am I the only one that got this was a joke and laughed?

Nah, I saw the funny side

I highly doubt HeartisAching would post anything he thought would offend (he seems a decent bloke) and I'm betting he wishing he hadn't posted it now...lols