was i right or was i wrong?

[drew7873]

long story short...i'll give it a shot.

first got together last year in february so it's almost been a year. things clicked...even though there was a language barrier. i could speak her native language...korean, because i am korean but not so well as i was born and raised here in the states.

things started off well but there was always one thing that stuck out...her relationship with my then, 14 yr old son. he doesn't speak korean, and her english is so broken she doesn't even bother. so i asked them to try and over some time, they didn't. he would come and visit us twice a month for the weekends.

for about 1 year, i never saw an effort between them. i kind of put the blame on her because she's the adult and even though she couldn't speak english, well, she's the adult. so rather than trying to make an effort to get to know him, hang out with us when he came down...she went out with her friends, spend the night with her friends, just basically made plans away from us.

this is when i started drawing the line. how can you love me if you're not willing to make an effort to love my son? not even love, just to get to know him. teenager or not, he's very close to me, we have a great relationship and she just didn't partake at all.

so...about 4 months ago, while still living together, we broke it off...yes we moved in right away. another bad move.

i just moved out however, 2 weeks ago and said i'm sorry, good luck, you want to get married and have a child right away...i can't right now so you need to find another man and move on with your life.

little did i know, my feelings now would kick my ass for saying those things to her because i LOVE this woman.

it's unreal how i hurt her with those words, but i have to remember, the reason why i did...i didn't want to get married, let alone have another kid right away when i had my hands full already with a 15 year old now, as a part-time dad.

i just couldn't do it...until just last week, i realized that i love this woman so much i could marry her and have another child with this woman. but it just seems a little too late. she agreed to see me this Sunday for coffee.

should i do what it takes to win her heart back or should i just let it go and forget it?

we talked last weekend and it wasn't good as i told her i much i love her and how i was wrong for neglecting her and that i do want to marry her. she said, i don't want to get married to you anymore, and just let it go.

and then she agreed to see me on Sunday.

i'm torn right now...i really don't know what to do or say anymore than i have...i guess i can tell her that i love her more than anything when we meet...but just not sure if that'll be enough.

or i can just let it go and move on with my healing and move on

what should i do? was i wrong for dumping her cuz of my son? i plan on moving up north to be with him for 2 more years before he moves out for college. i told her this a few months back and that's what detached us from each other. but maybe we can get married and live up there with him?

[drew7873]

also i've texted her every day for the past 5 days in the morning and once at night... 'i love you...good morning' ...'i love you...good night'

am i obsessing here? should i stop?

[girl68]

You should stop. And yes, you were wrong.

[drew7873]

thanks for that advise umm

[girl68]

Would you like more? She's told you where she stands and now you're bombarding her with crap she's not interested in hearing. Layoff.

[vashti]

You were NOT wrong to dump this woman. Your first responsibility is to your SON, not her. How can you even THINK of making another child with someone who has absolutely NO interest in including him in her world?

[drew7873]

well i was in the wrong. i didn't make it happen enough. i should've pushed it more. she deserves a 2nd chance with that.

have had time to think things over and i just realize that i made a lot of mistakes. things i didn't say, didn't do...things i did say, did do. all things i see so clearly now.

although it hurts to think about those things everytime i close my eyes...it's good for me.

i asked her this morning if i could take her out to lunch this sunday and she said yes.

then i told her i was going to take her to our favorite restaraunt on the beach in marina del rey this sunday. and to wear comfortable clothes because we'll be going for a walk on the beach and that i wanted to show her this place that she's never seen.

she said yes to lunch and everything else.

so i'll be picking her up at 11.

the way i see it, we have to start over. i think me moving out was the best thing for us as we've fallen into that everyday mundane trap of not going anywhere for our future. i needed to move out, get my own place and take care of my business and if she wants to move in with me, i'll welcome her in.

what do you guys think?

[vashti]

Don't ask what I think.

[SelflessnHumble]

Let's get one thing straight here bud: YOUR child is your #1 priority, not ANY woman on this planet.
If she didn't make the effort to get to know your child: chances are she was jealous of your bond, hated your first child wasn't with her OR
you are blind to her true feelings about you -which may or may not stem from you having a son-

Communication is an essential/vital part of any relationship: it's one of 3 main reasons for issues.
Having expectation is another, and not having trust, respect nor love is relationship doom.

It sounds to me she never truly loved you, but yet despite her feelings towards your son: you are willing to choose her?

IT is not going to work. She wants a man completely devoted to her, not her son as well. She can't play nice and can't share your attention...
Meet someone else. You picked the wrong woman to be with and the timing is/was all wrong.

[drew7873]

i understand what your saying. i've heard this advise the other day. ultimately it's my decision. and the reason why i want her back is because i gave it alot of thought. their lack of relationship/communication was mainly because of me. my situation. i can't sit here and tell you guys every reason why.

i just know in my heart that i was wrong and i should've shown more effort between the 3 of us.

[drew7873]

and of course...no one takes precedent over my son... but in the same token...i have to move on with my life and i feel this strong for a woman, i have to go after it. why give up, and be with another woman? so if she gets along with my kid, it's not to say she wont have any other issues. everyone's got them...i can't stop running away. i have to stay true to my feelings now and go after it...because otherwise i feel like i've lost another good woman for me.

if we do get back together, i know what thing have to change. i just have to do it.

[drew7873]

love is funny, love hurts and it's strange. it can be so high yet so low.

i asked her out to the beach date yesterday and she said yes...so i'll be picking her up at 11 from her place.

i didn't bombard her with texts or phone calls...not one, until this morning, i texted her..."missing you. wish were getting some coffee together. have a great day ok?"

and i haven't heard a response in 3 hours.

i can think about why till my head blows up...really hurts i guess.

i don't get why she agreed to take a walk on the beach with me, go to someplace i promised to take her and have lunch with me....and then a day later, no response. she's hurt and confused i'm sure, but if i were in the position...well i don't know what i'd do or say i guess.

[SelflessnHumble]

Love isn't funny and it doesn't hurt.
This doesn't sound like love to me.
She's intolerant, impatient and controlling and
now she's demonstrated her uncertainty. Why provoke that?

You expect things: you haven't learned either, I guess.
She doesn't owe you anything. This isn't confusing.
You expect to begin where you left off: not going to happen.

[twinrexes]

I was like her before I had my own child. I didn't want to deal with other people's kids because I didn't know HOW. Never had one, no idea how relate to one. But that's why I didn't date guys with kids. She chose you, then took off whenever your son was around. I really don't think this woman wants to be with a guy who already has kids, and I think that's what's making her indecisive.

Now you're trying to win her over because you miss her. Doesn't sound like love, more like obsessing because you miss the relationship, not the woman you were in it with.

[SelflessnHumble]

I was like her before I had my own child. I didn't want to deal with other people's kids because I didn't know HOW. Never had one, no idea how relate to one.

This is such an excuse if I'd ever heard of one...no offense.

-----You claim you didn't want to deal with other people's kids because:
----"I didn't know HOW?" and
----"Never had one" and "no idea how to relate to one?"

K, no one is every truly "ready" to be a parent...You like a guy
and want to be with him? YOU learn to accept his child as your own, no excuses.
If you can't? Move on and find a single man without a child. No worries...
This isn't about making the guy happy: it's about what makes YOU happy and about
sharing this happiness with another person...it's your choice to find someone you compliment.

2nd, you were a child once, right? THIS is how you relate to one.
You show feelings and emotions that the child (of whatever age) can connect with.

You find out what they like, what they don't: This is done by TALKING to them.
Kids will talk their asses off if you touch on a subject they like.
Do you have a TV? TV tells children what to like.