Is she playing with my emotions?

[Nineball]

My ex and I were together for 13 months. She's 21 and I'm 26. She has a daughter who is 3, who I have also developed a close relationship with. We were living together for awhile, things were going great, we thought we were perfect for each other. Then she did a 180 and broke up with me in mid-December. I was devastated.

I have a previous post regarding the details of the breakup, but I just wanted to post an update on what has been going on since.

We've been trying to work things out since the breakup in hopes of getting back together. We don't talk everyday, but every now and then. We've also hung out a couple times and did things that we always used to do. During those times that we are together, she acts like nothing has changed. She still holds my hand, still kisses me, still tells me she loves me and misses me. Then the next day or two, she acts like she doesn't even know me. She doesn't return my phone calls or text messages. Then eventually she'll contact me again to talk. She treats me like a drug, in which she needs her fix every now and then, goes a couple days without me, then she'll experience withdrawals and need me again. It's a constant push/pull on my emotions and I just got so frustrated this past weekend I put out all my cards on the table and gave her an ultimatum.

I called her and I told her I can't keep doing this. If you really want to work things out, you need to show me instead of telling me. If you don't, I walk out of your life. At this point she started crying and telling me she didn't want me to leave. Again, I stated to her she needs to put in effort because at this point she has done nothing to show me she really wants this. We don't have to see each other everyday, we don't have to talk to each other everyday, but we should at least acknowledge each others presence, keep an open line of communication, and not ignore each other. She said okay, and at the end of our conversation, she told me she loved me and I said the same.

This coming week, I don't know what's going to happen. I predict she will contact me either tomorrow or Tuesday to workout, something we always used to do when we were together. Should I play her off until she wants to actually hang out with me? Should I keep going with the way things are right now in hopes that she will put in more effort?

[BeingAlpha]

I have learned that people who disappoint you will continue to disappoint you...as far as what she is doing -- I don't think she knows what she is doing. She understands that she is hurting you and I doubt she wants to do it in purpose but she is being wishy washy with her emotions. She won't commit to being with you but she won't commit to being without you either.

You should hang out with her if you want to -- but I wouldn't make it so easy and/or make yourself so available...I would just do you best to move on and if she comes around great -- if she doesn't well then at least you will have moved on.

[Cinnabella]

It sounds to me like something is lacked in your relationship, like affectionate, caring, loving...??? Had she ever complained about anything? She loves you but seem struggling with her emotions, and it was blocking her sometimes when she ignored you. You need to ask her clearly if there is a problem that she was hiding and then see what she will say?

[Nineball]

Well, ever since we broke up, she has been partying a lot more, going out more, and seeing another male-friend quite often (she doesn't know I know this). I can't be sure of the type of relationship they have, but they are certainly attentive to one another. I don't think she has feelings for him like she does for me and perhaps he's just a rebound, but still it pains me to know she desires his presence more than mine on some occasions.

The breakup happened because she said we took each other for granted, not appreciating each others company. That our relationship lost fire and there wasn't enough excitement anymore (due to moving in so fast). She needed something new, something fresh...perhaps this guy was it.

[Cinnabella]

You know? Normally if a girl complains that you took her for granted, mean that you didn't give her enough attention, passion, she didn't feel loved, special and attractive because of your lack of attention, maybe she felt like an old thinh to you...while other men would compliment( if she's pretty) and give her the attention she likes, That's what I felt when I told my ex that he took me for granted!

[Heartache]

I really dunnoe what a woman really want... Sometime if we give them too much attention, they will take us for granted as well. If we leave them alone, we will receive call from them. Argh I can only wish you all the best. Take care.

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[Cinnabella]

But in any case I never left my ex for those stupid things, though I wished he knew how to put a bit of effort in.

[Nineball]

She just texted me last night saying goodnight and that she missed me. I didn't reply back. I want her to prove to me that she really does miss me, instead of just saying it.

[girl68]

^ I think that was a stupid thing to do. She texted you attempting some wort of effort and you say PSSH show you me you miss me. WTF. She just did! What do you want a airplaine writing I MISS YOU LOVE! I mean if she ONLY texts you- you've got a problem but what you have to reciporcate or what the hell is her incentive to show you when you say it's ain't good enough show me more.

Either way what you say about her screams to me: NOT READY! She's partying because she likes her freedom, she flirting becasue she doesn't want to be tied down, she's not seeing you because she has better things to do. She *does* love you becasue you're sweet and she temporarily got tired of partying/ flirting but that's about it.

[Nineball]

Saying and doing are two completely different things. You can say you love someone, but what good is that if you don't show it? It's not what you say, it's what you do.

[Mongoose]

^^ I see what you mean about reciprocating, but, given that she holds his hand etc and tells him that she loves him and misses him, then acts like she doesn't even know him and doesn't return any of his attempts at contact for a couple of days, surely doubting a single text message is understandable. Frankly, I too would want something more than a text as a demonstration if even face-to-face the message appears meaningless.

Edit: ^ Basically that yea. Why do I complicate things when I'm tired :/

[BeingAlpha]

Don't fall for it -- its a trick...words are cheap they say. I agree with you -- that the text message really is not enough. Also please don't take this as advice but can you really live in this level of uncertainty? I think the important thing is to give it some time -- really have both of you get your heads on straight. Yeah its a gamble that she may just decide (and mind you -- you can convince yourself of anything) to move on - but living in ups and downs are really tough -- I lived in ups and downs for about 4 months and finally had to pull the rip-cord I couldn't take the hurt anymore -- this hurt right now is probably more painful but at least its steady and bearable. The hard part of any breakup is the feeling of helplessness, the loss of control -- well you can't control your ex -- the only person you can control is you.

Just a thought I had but if she had a kid at 18 -- she probably had to grow up a lot faster than she wanted to - maybe then she was able to? I am sure she has a lot of unresolved things she needs to work through.

[Nineball]

No I can't live with this uncertainty. That is why I gave her an ultimatum because I got fed up with the ups and downs. What I want from her is for her to prove to me she misses me. For her to ask me to spend time with her. Something of this nature because up until this point, it's always been me to ask. She had an opportunity earlier tonight, but she didn't take it. So that shows me she doesn't really miss me that much.