Pretty Embarrassed

[seganomics]

So I have been single for two months now from a year and a half relationship. I don’t know how I feel about dating right now, but there was a guy that I’ve had feelings for since before the end of the relationship (unrelated to the break up)

The situation was a complicated one because he is a friend of my ex, but some of his actions made me think he might have feelings for me too (gifts, pet sitting, house repairs). I didn’t expect anything too soon, but we have been hanging out here and there since the break-up.

Well last Friday we spent the evening together. I thought it went well, and then before he left he wanted to have a “talk”. He wanted to make sure I knew we were just friends, and he didn’t want anything else.

I am so incredibly embarrassed. I feel like my feelings made him uncomfortable enough to bring it up unsolicited. I also feel ridiculous for thinking he had feelings too.

Now I don’t know how to act around him. He’s contacted me once since Friday and I just gave back a short reply. When he asks me to hang out again I don’t know how to decline without being rude. It’s not that I don’t want him as a friend, I’m just really embarrassed and would rather not be around him for awhile.

What should I do?

[xxazurexx]

Blimey, what made him think you were thinking otherwise?

I'd have said 'Look pal, don't flatter yourself that you are even my type. I never once assumed it was anything more'.....and I wouldn't speak to him again.

Saying that, he could have been sensing that you'd like more perhaps?

At least he's been honest, but it would still put me off from talking to him again.

[Mongoose]

It’s not that I don’t want him as a friend, I’m just really embarrassed and would rather not be around him for awhile.

Maybe let him know these three things in a light-hearted way? Make a joke of it.

Edit: Having read it over again, maybe he didn't say that because he felt that you were coming on to him in some way, but simply because you two had been hanging out and he didn't want to give the wrong impression.

[seganomics]

He was really nice about it. He is a really nice guy in general. I just didn't think I had been overly forward about feelings. I also didn't think it was so far fetched to think they were returned... but apparently not :S

[xxazurexx]

I'm unsure why a guy would give you 'mixed messages' like that, because that is what I see it as. This wanting to spend evenings with you and hang out, buying gifts, house repairs, etc...

It's like the girl who wants to hang out with the guy, spend time together, hugs him, lies half naked on a bed with him - then turns around and says she just sees him as a friend???....Yes, there was a thread on here about it!!

So unthoughtful and to act that way I think....

I'd never lead anyone on in that way.

[Mongoose]

Well, we can't have everyone wanting to go out with us. At least he wants to be friends which is a good thing. And you never know, maybe down the line you'll find out he does like you in that way but thought it would be awkward because of his friend.

[xxazurexx]

Well, we can't have everyone wanting to go out with us. .

That's not the point. People still shouldn't lead on in that way and give off an impression they may be interested in more. And if some guy was wanting to spend evenings with me and buy me gifts, I'd be assuming he liked me as more than a friend. But perhaps that is because when a guy ever showed me interest and by way of wanting to spend time with me, he did want more.

Likewise I wouldn't spend evenings with a man and lie half naked on a bed with him, who I thought of as only a friend.

I don't do that kinda shit with 'just' friends, but lovers....

I don't do it and because I know it can give wrong impressions.

[Mongoose]

The gift thing throws a spanner in the works, but (from what has been written) I can't see what he's done wrong. [This is more of a reply to xxazurexx than anything else, sorry OP. High five for HIMYM though!] Hanging out isn't leading on surely? It's just what friends do. And he even took the time to make sure he wasn't doing any leading on. [In potential situation B, he might actually have feelings for you but does not want to / cannot pursue them because of his friendship with your ex, which would maybe explain the gifts. Either way, nothing is likely to happen in the near future.]

[xxazurexx]

Whatever Mongoose...you have your views, I have mine.

[Mongoose]

Yep, that's fine

[seganomics]

I don't think he did anything wrong I just don't know what to do from here.

[xxazurexx]

I don't think he did anything wrong I just don't know what to do from here.

OK....you feel he did nothing wrong. He however is aware and knows that his behaviour could send off mixed messages.

Which is why he told you he wanted a 'talk' and told you in so many words, not to read anything into it.

[Aniphilia]

Im not sure how often he comes around but sounds like you just need to be by yourself for now. Maybe he doesnt want to be a rebound either. You just never know with people so either be straight out honest and take the initiative / not wait for him to ask why your ignoring him. Or play it off that you just are busy. Time will tell.

[seganomics]

My hope is he just lets me be and the embarrassment will pass before we talk again. But if he does persist then I'll tell him how the conversation made me feel and why. I don't want him to feel guilty but at the same time its not fair to me to act like everything is cool. Thanks for the insights!

[vashti]

I don't think he did anything wrong I just don't know what to do from here.

Why don't you ask him what behavior of yours led him to think you might be expecting more? Tell him you aren't used to being single, and don't want to give anyone else a false impression. Try to laugh a bit, and be light-hearted about it.

I recently had a guy tell me he wasn't interested in a relationship. I laughed, because I genuinely thought he was gay. Also, I am in no position for a relationship, either, and certainly not with someone who I thought was gay.

I guess so many women are so aggressively pursuing a partner, some guys feel the need to clarify things right from the start.