Worried about ex

[sadstudent]

Hi everyone
I am new to this forum and would really appreciate some advice. My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago.He is 35,I am 31.The break up happened after 18 months because I wanted some form of commitment from him but he felt unable to commit.The break up really upset both of us, and he said so many times afterwards that maybe it was a mistake to break up.We stayed in constant contact (which, in hindsight, may have been a bad idea) and I kept thinking we would get back together.We haven't.A couple of times, when I was finding things very difficult, I suggested we not see each other anymore.He did NOT like that idea and insisted he wants to stay friends.We have slept together a couple of times,most recently 2 weeks ago.When we are together it is lovely and comfortable and as if nothing has changed.2 weeks ago when he came over we talked for ages and he told me how stressed he is.He is doing a very difficult job and is away from home Mon-Fri.Also his mum, who is quite elderly, has been very sick in recent years and he is worried that the illness has come back.Before we broke up he told me he was afraid about the future because of his parents being so old and that sometimes he stops himself thinking about his future.He implied recently that this contributed to our break up and that he stil misses me.I have had very little contact in the last 2 weeks and I am very worried about him.He suffers from some depression and handles stress very badly.I dont know what is happening with his mum.I would like to be there for him but dont want to make a nuisance of myself.But i know that he doesnt open up to his friends or family,the only person he ever felt he could really talk to was me Its not that Im trying to ingratiate myself so that he will want me back (although I am still crazy about him), I just care about him a lot and he has been there for me since our break up.I would like to do the same for him.Any suggestions on what I should do?Thanks very much..

[smackie9]

It's time for you to close this chapter of your life and move on. His problems are not yours to worry about....he's 35, he's a big boy he is going to have to deal with this on his own. I'm sure if he is having trouble there are social programs that can help him if need be or the help of family members or close friends. He can make all kinds of excuses why he didn't commit, but the truth of the matter is that he isn't truly madly in love with you or he would have. In other words you are not "the one" for him. You are lucky that you still have plenty of time to find a like minded mate to spend the rest of your life with.

[sadstudent]

Hi smackie9. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know that what you are saying is definitely true. I'm just worried about him because I have a lot of personal experience with depression. 3 members of my immediate family have attempted suicide due to depression. Thankfully all were unsuccessful. I worry that he is spending a lot of time alone and concentrating more and more on things that stress him out. I don't want to be a nuisance so haven't texted to see if he's ok. Also if he gas met someone else I don't want to stand in his way or make a fool of myself. I guess I still just really care about him and I know what depression can do to people....

[xxazurexx]

I can relate somewhat and because I have an ex who is having a tough time of it lately and he's depressed also. He says he can't talk to anyone else the way he does to me and so I'm feeling I have to be there for him, even though I shouldn't be there. It's hard to just turn your back on someone you care about and when they are having problems. Me and my ex are quite long distance though....so I know it aint the sex keeping my ex around. The guy probably genuinely does need me around.

I dunno, with these kinds of relationships, where the guy won't commit, yet he doesn't seem to want to let go either, I tend to think it's the sex they are afraid to lose, more than the woman. Men will try and hang onto sex and at whatever cost - they all like 'sex on tap' and whenever it suits them.

I also had another ex from years back who is like your guy. After a year, he still wouldn't commit, but he didn't want to end things totally either. Naturally and when I was still stoopid enough to sleep with him.

And do you know what happened? I ended up calling it off, told him I didn't want to see him anymore and because I saw no future for us. Of course he was pissed off, didn't want to end it.....but he had no choice but to accept my decision.

A year later, my committment phobe was married, with a baby on the way.....

He aint afraid of committment hon, nobody is. It's a fear of committing to the 'wrong' person and you are the 'wrong' person.

[xxazurexx]

Hi smackie9. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know that what you are saying is definitely true. I'm just worried about him because I have a lot of personal experience with depression. 3 members of my immediate family have attempted suicide due to depression. Thankfully all were unsuccessful. I worry that he is spending a lot of time alone and concentrating more and more on things that stress him out. I don't want to be a nuisance so haven't texted to see if he's ok. Also if he gas met someone else I don't want to stand in his way or make a fool of myself. I guess I still just really care about him and I know what depression can do to people....

Which is why I choose to remain in his life.

I'm scared of what he might do, if I don't

[whatthehell]

Thanks xxazurexx. Your ex sounds awfully like mine. As far as the sex goes goes we have slept together 4 times since the break up but have seen each other much more than that. So there were lots of opportunities but it didn't happen that often. I gave suggested no contact to him a few times but he doesn't agree that it's a good idea. He tells me he cares about me and misses me but maybe he is just messing with my head.....the loveliest guy I've ever known. Wouldn't ever have thought things would end up like this....

[sadstudent]

Sounds like there are lots of depressed men out there. Like whatthehell, I actually don't think it's the sex that has kept him around. It hasn't happened all that often....it's time to let go now though. I know that

[xxazurexx]

But he knows you are there and still around and for if he wants sex, if you see what I mean.

I and my ex were not at it all the time either - but I was there for if the mood arose.

I dunno, I could be wrong. He may genuinely just be feeling like he can't give his all to a woman at this moment in time and when he has these problems and he is not 100% together and himself.

I guess only time will tell.

[sadstudent]

I see what you mean and that is certainly true. To be honest I have started thinking that I'm not the one for him if he feels so unable tocommit to me. I do still care very much about him but I suppose I need to start caring about myself more so that I can move on and meet the one

[xxazurexx]

Sounds like there are lots of depressed men out there.

Sure does. The guy I know actually suffers bad panic attacks and he claims to be taking one strong pill after another.

I used to think he was bullshitting me and using it all as an excuse to keep me around, but then one night he called me from the hospital - said he wanted me to be with him while he was there and because he was afraid to be alone. I knew then he wasn't lying....

Sometimes I feel drained though and because I feel like his therapist....but I can't leave him. Not in the state he is anyway.

[sadstudent]

Wow that is a very extreme situation you are in! Mine is nowhere near as difficult as that. Problem I have is more that I know he talks to nobody,gets really stressed and upset and I seem to be the only person who can talk him round. When he eventually admits that there is something bothering him......

[xxazurexx]

I see what you mean and that is certainly true. To be honest I have started thinking that I'm not the one for him if he feels so unable tocommit to me. I do still care very much about him but I suppose I need to start caring about myself more so that I can move on and meet the one

I'd sit him down and have a chat with him and tell him exactly how you are feeling. That is what I did and with the committment phobe guy I mentioned.

I told him that as much as I loved him, I needed to move on and I wasn't able to and with him in the picture and I let him go and stuck to my word. This time around, he didn't come back to bother me either - but then he got involved with someone else more or less immediately after me, who he went onto marry...

But this isn't where my tale actually ends. For he came back into my life, 10 years later, looking for another chance....yes, that is right!

But by that time, I'd long moved on and was married myself.

He left it too late

[sadstudent]

That's a sad story and exactly what I'm afraid of, that he's not in a position to commit and doesn't even know what he really wants ...I guess I just let him go so that I can move on. Or he can realise
How stupid he's been not holding my breath though!

[xxazurexx]

That's a sad story and exactly what I'm afraid of, that he's not in a position to commit and doesn't even know what he really wants ...I guess I just let him go so that I can move on. Or he can realise
How stupid he's been not holding my breath though!

Yeah, let him go, give him a few years, lol and for sure he will realise what he lost - perhaps even sooner. Maybe the guy in my situation would have found me sooner, had I not moved to a new town that was miles away from my old hometown. And he only found me and because I was registered on Friends Reunited....else he wouldn't have found me at all. He has big regrets about letting me go, that I know for sure.

I'm a believer in, that people always return to the one they truly loved. May take time....but they always come back.

[sadstudent]

I like your way of thinking and I hope everything is working out well in your life xxazurexx. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me.