My best friend is suicidal, should I contact his ex and let her know? How can I help?

[broken-hearted]

Ok, so my best friend has been dating this girl for 3 years. We all went to the same local college. She moved to LA this year to go to a better college for masters and recently they broke up. He told me that she has been feeling this way for the past year but she never ended it cause it was never the right timing. Apparently she didn't want to do it when he was at a low time, so to spare his feelings in a way.

Anw, he's become so depressed about it. She doesn't really talk to him anymore, she's always at some other guys house and he knows that she likes him so it hurts him to know that she's doing that and she's telling him about it. Also she acts cold around him and when he tries to talk to her about it and how it makes him feel she says he's being too whiny and she can't deal with it. And he wrote her a long email and she didn't read even half of it.

I'm getting really pissed off cause he's so depressed and he's being suicidal, and I know from experience on feeling that way and actually attempting something that I don't want anyone to go down that path ever. I really want to say such crap to her I'm so angry right now. She's being this insensitive ***** to him. I don't know if I can call her a friend anymore after what she's been doing to him.

Now he told me not to tell anyone about it, I'm the only person that knows, but can I email her and tell her to talk to him more and be there for him cause it's hard for him?
He was planning to move over but had some paperwork issues in getting a visa so he didn't. And now he still wants to go over cause he says she makes him happy and that even if she doesn't want him in the same way as long as he's around her, he'll be happy.

But she never initiates conversation, always responds in short whereas she used to write a lot and never talks to him about stuff unless he asks her. He said that if he hadn't asked her about her feelings she might have not brought up what happened. He noticed something odd when she was at that guys house and he called her and she was limited in her conversation, she didn't want to talk about certain things.

She told him they'd be best friends but she's ignoring him so clearly that's not the case. He saw her on Skype when we last talked, messaged her and a few seconds later she went offline.
He's so angry about it he said he wants to go there to beat the guy up. I talked to him about it and told him stuff like if he truly loved her he'd have to let her chose who she wants to love and so on and he said thanks for giving me this advice, I need it... But I worry for him.

I have attached a file with some of our conversations for anyone that is interested, you don't have to read it but I feel it would help greatly if you knew more about the situation at hand and what has been said.

What can I do?

Btw, we don't live in the US and I don't have access to help from a counselor, well not that I know of, and it probably wont be free, and I know he definitely wont want guidance at this point. So any answers not involving looking for help from professionals is welcome.

[smackie9]

If you are going to school or college, there should be counselors there. You can also check your local phone directory for a suicide hot line phone number that you can give your friend if they feel they need someone to talk to......all hot lines are 24 hours. Be in constant contact with your friend, be supportive and please contact his family and let them know your concerns.

Contacting the ex maybe a bad idea. Your friend needs to get over her and move on.

[Petit Papillon]

Ok I don't even read your post, no it's not because I disrespect you, it's cause I already have my answer. DON'T CONTACT her, it's not her shit that he's suicidal. And what do you want her to do? Come and be with him again? It's not the way this world works. You better take your friend and bring him to a therapy. If he's depressed, he needs a therapy or medications. Really, she has NOTHING to do with him anymore, people break up and that's it. Be there for your friend, this is what best friends are for. But this girl is dead for both of you.

[ammi00]

*agrees*
I assume all of you are pretty young - so this "suicide exaggeration" isn't that uncommon. Asking advice from a counselor is a good idea - it should help him going through this situation, because he's now learning that not all relationships work. I'm pretty sure he isn't suicidal, he's just disappointed - and he should work on that.
If I'd be his ex girlfriend, I'd react same as her - I would stop showing interest in him (especially because that's how she really feels - she doesn't want to be with him anymore), I wouldn't let myself affected or manipulated by stuff he'd say and I would set some distance between us.

[broken-hearted]

Ok, if you read, we don't have a counselor at the school. And I wouldn't know where to look for one. And we're not in the US where you have suicide hotlines, I might be able to find one I suppose but I'm pretty sure he won't call. I know I never would have.
And I don't know about the average but I wouldn't say it's exaggerated about suicide cause I tried to kill myself in high school. Not something I like talking about but I actually went through with it and overdosed on pills and had my stomach pumped.

He's 22 and I'm 21. And I know him and he's not the kind to do crazy things or have thoughts about beating someone up but I know she meant the world to him and as much as I'm sure that he'll pull through it, all the same I worry cause I know what he's like and I don't want him to take his life.

And to the second poster, I don't want her to be with him, that's the last thing I want, I hate her guts right now. I told him that she's a bitch and he should move on. But I want her to at least talk to him occasionally. From talking most of the day to not talking to him at all is sudden shock. And he doesn't need that. She needs to gradually stop talking to him but not suddenly. That's what's making him like this. Or at least stop saying things like 'we'll be best friends when clearly they wont'

I will start looking for numbers to call for help if it gets that bad. I'm just going to hope for now that he's just exaggerating and that it will pass. But I'll get hotline number for him and a counselor to talk to for advice on what to do.

And I will not contact the ex.

[Petit Papillon]

If it gets really dangerous, you better contact his parents, this should make the deal. If he would be really dangerous to himself ,his parents (as his family) have the right to take control over him and send him to therapy against his will - in case he wouldn't like to see a counseelior.
And no, you shouldn't want anything from her, seriously leave her alone. Why would she have to pay for him being weak? It's not her fault,this is life and if your friend can't handle adult life then it really means that he's weak and he's not ready to live without his parents. The moment his ex said it's over it was over, she should be dead to him. Especially if she didn't want to keep contact.She's not his doll and he can't "MAKE HER" do something. neither you. She's a person with free will and she decided to not keep ontact with him and this is her holy right. And she did it really good, it's better for him to move on if she breaks the contact. She's being helpful here.
Tell your friend to stop being a cry baby and wether get some help or get over it.Really, there are better things to be suicidal for. You can be sad or depressed a bit because of a break up but not freaking suicidal. It's not the end of the world, gee.More fish in the sea.

[broken-hearted]

But... Here's the thing... he doesn't have parents. They died in a car accident when he was 10. He's living with a friend of the family, not only would I not know how to contact him, but I don't know if he would care that much. All I know is that he makes quite a bit of money so he helps him out when he can but I can tell my friend hates taking money from him as he feels weird about it. He has a sister in Cali that worries too much about him and I know he complains that he doesn't want her to worry that it's causing problems, she doesn't get a lot of money but she sends some when she can and I don't know how to contact her either and I think it would make her worry too much and I don't know if I want that. She is family but if she's anyway got a plethora of problems on her own then she doesn't need this.

And she means the world to him, they've been together for 3 years, friends before that and he knows right now that there is no one out there for him but her. And I know from my experience, it felt that way, and I know that you couldn't possibly tell me that in the future I'd be seeing other guys and forgetting about him. And I can't tell him that either, he can't envision that future. So for now I think it's fine the way he's acting. He has to learn with time that he will get over her. She's not dead to him because he loves her. How do you forget someone you love just like that? You don't, it's not easy. Even now if I like someone and they don't like me, I know that I will move on in the future, I've learnt that lesson but I also can't just forget them in a jiffy.

[Petit Papillon]

Well so you have to upset him cause she doesn't exist for him anymore, he has to stand up and look for other new of his obsession. It seems that whole world is worrying about him but he acts like a little baby saying he doesn't need help and he keeps on being depressive.Jesus, if he needs help then he should get some. Stop feeling sorryfor him, there are bigger problems than a freaking heartbreak and there are more serious reasons to kill yourself.
Ok,so if noone but you can help him,then take him to a doctor and that's it. Seriously,what do you want from us? We will not tell you or help you to bring back his ex. I already told you what is there to do. If you really care SO much about him ,then pay him for a doctor. but i'm pretty sure he has health insurance and can go to a doctor without paying. This dude needs a therapy. And you have to stop feeling sorry for him, you're not his mother.

[broken-hearted]

Not everyone is worrying about him, he doesn't talk to anyone about his problems except me and maybe his sister sometimes. (And his gf until now) He didn't tell anyone about this now. I've never seen him this depressed. It's not just about her, generally he's more on the optimistic side that things will work out. But now not only did she leave him, he's not doing so good at school. Oh and a billion other things I didn't feel like mentioning as they were irrelevant to my post, but I will mention some now so you get the idea why he can be depressed.

He's stuck in this country without the possibility of getting a job due to his status, he can't leave, unless he goes to his home country, the only place that he can fix his status problem, but he can't go there as he has no one there, no family and he has no money in general so he's stuck here for now. The other thing is he has a heart condition and he has a pacemaker and he's constantly at heart doctors and he can't lead a normal life. That should be more than enough reasons for you to understand why he's depressed. It feels like all his dreams are shattered because of his life. I'm not exactly loaded with money either so I wouldn't be able to pay for his doctor visit, but if it comes to that I will try and find the money to do that.

I didn't ask you to help me bring back his ex. To be quite frank, I don't want that. And he shouldn't either. I just wanted some guidance on things to tell him to help him get over it quicker and not be so bleak. And we don't really have health insurance like you do in the US, you just go to a doctor and pay for the visit.

Either way thanks for the advice so far, I will talk to him and try and get him to a doctor, we're seeing a movie later so hopefully he'll be in a better mood then and I'll talk to him about getting help.

[Petit Papillon]

Ok, so still I think you should convince him to get help from some professionals. Frankly , his depression is leading him to make his life even worse so he needs a professional to help him get back on the right track. You can't do anything but convincing him to do that. Tell him that you're worried about him and you can help him get through this,but he needs to get help too. don't know what else can I say.
And btw, I'm from Poland, living in Germany and obviously I'm a member of EU ,just like you are.If you both are students than you HAVE TO HAVE an insurance. If you don't ,there is no university that would let you study there. At least this is the case in all european countries I have lived in.I've read about the health insurance policy in Cyprus and it seems that it works pretty the same as here. I've also read that a visit at a specialists varies from 1CYP=1,7Eur to 12CYP=around 20EUR, so it's not that bad. Don't look for excuses,there is always a way to get help. I'm sure there must be also organisations that help people with depressiion ,you don't live in third world. Unfortunately I don't speak your language so I can't do that for you as well, but you have google and fingers , so maybe you should look for something on your own.

[broken-hearted]

You know, reading your last post reminded me of something. I remember him complaining that insurance companies wont insure him because of his condition, since they are aware of his condition they wont accept it since they know it will act up. I just remembered that. His doctor bills are too high and I guess they don't want that problem.

I don't have insurance that's for sure, my parents never got any and I know I got accepted just fine into both universities here, they don't care about stuff like that. I got accepted to both without my high school leaving certificate, which is stupid, but they didn't care. It's a very stupid system here. They just asked me to fill out the form, pay necessary fees and submit my portfolio. That's all that really mattered. And that I'm from EU and so on...

And yeah, I'm talking to him today about getting help, and if he doesn't want it, I'll talk to my family doctor and see if he knows a shrink I can talk to to get him to go to, or I'll find one in newspaper and make him go. I'll see his mood today.

[Petit Papillon]

I have no idea how Cyprus got into EU, this country is ridiculous. I'm not going to continue cause I will insult your country.Yeah help your friend.

[BeingAlpha]

The important thing your friend needs to do right now is get used to not having contact with her / being with her anymore. It is the only way he will ever get over her. So it is in fact probably less painful for his ex to drop contact immediately then for her to maintain contact and basically string him along....trust me -- We all on here slowed the healing process dramatically by still clinging to strings of hope that the ex would come back. Also its been researched and proven that guys tend to deal with situations better when they hear of other people going through the same stuff. I found that reading the stories on here made me feel like less of a "Loser" when my relationship ended. It might be a good idea for your friend to read this site...or some of the stories on it. In my group of friends I am the only one who is not engaged or married which becomes depressing. I get tired of hanging out with the couples and being the "third" wheel if you will.

Also very important is that you minimize his time sitting at home alone - you need to invite him to do things -- ANYTHING -- come to the grocery store with you, go shopping, go to the library and study. If there are opportunities for volunteering in Chile -- ask him to go with you or ask him to go by himself. I have been doing a lot of that these days just to fill the void of time occupation that my ex left and well it feels good just to be around people and do something good at the same time. The great thing about your friend's situation is his ex is in California -- about 4000 miles away from Chile -- so when you go out you don't run the risk of running into her.

With time your friend will return to the person he was before the two of them started dating...but this will be a very very long healing process. This will test your commitment as a friend...thats why if there are psychologists or therapists in your country (I would be surprised if there aren't) it would be a good idea for him to see one. While its admirable for you to think about taking on the financial burden of this...as a student it will get very expensive - very expensive.

Petit Papillon -- despite the fact that her friend has lived through a seemingly un-surmountable amount of tragedy in his life: losing his parents, being physically ill, now emotionally torn to shreds he continues on -- I think thats pretty impressive. I would imagine that in his head right now hes thinking why do all the bad things always just focus on me, and he would be full justified in feeling that way.

[Petit Papillon]

But this is how the world works. If you want it or not, feeling sorry for himself will not help him. If he needs help to understand it, he should get some. Let's see how he will react to what his friend will propose him .
I also was through lots of tragedies in my life, that my parents didn't die and I am not chronically sick, doesn't mean that I didn't went through a lot. Even this I never asked world why this all happens to me. I was depressed but I wouldn't ever kill myself cause it's a longterm solution for a temporary problem. You have to fight if you want to survive, if you can't than you lose

[BeingAlpha]

But this is how the world works. If you want it or not, feeling sorry for himself will not help him. If he needs help to understand it, he should get some. Let's see how he will react to what his friend will propose him .
I also was through lots of tragedies in my life, that my parents didn't die and I am not chronically sick, doesn't mean that I didn't went through a lot. Even this I never asked world why this all happens to me. I was depressed but I wouldn't ever kill myself cause it's a longterm solution for a temporary problem. You have to fight if you want to survive, if you can't than you lose

Fair points but you are an extraordinarily strong person -- to ask the same of others is not fair. Not all people possess the same resilience and strengths as you do....I definitely don't agree with suicide -- I don't know that I could understand how someone could feel that was the only way out, only answer (except for in some extreme medical cases -- this is how I feel so please no one here fight with me on it)...but again I have a strong support system -- and I am a generally strong and resilient person.