Another impossible love?

[Lupin]

Hi everyone, I am Lupin (well that's not really my name) 25 male, from South America looking for love advice.

I must admit I opened up an account at this forum after a quick google search about love forums / boards. I only registered at this one and hope to give it a real try and receive honest input from people as well. Let me start by saying, I consider myself a complicated person since I find myself sort of trapped in a situation from which I can see clear exits and yet here I am, posting a message at 4:00 am and looking for advice.

The story goes like this, I have been insanely fond of Japanese culture and language for several years and finally went to Japan exactly one year ago. I had been saving for I can't even remember how long, I had finally graduated from University and finally decided to do it. It was a hell of a trip, so much happened, for example, I missed my departure flight and I had the option to buy a new one right there at the airport or wait a couple of months to use that ticket again. I am completely nuts and impatient so I talked to my parents and they helped me considerably with the money and I bought a brand new ticket and went to Japan knowing that I was able to return in the span of a year again because of the ticket I missed.

I "couchsurfed" several cities and met a lot of nice people, coming from a third world country and having already visited the U.S and some of Europe I had made my mind I wanted to live and prosper in Japan. So one of the Japanese friends said she could schedule a job interview at a school she works at and of course I didn't hesitate, had the ticket already so it was a perfect opportunity. I had a job interview but needed to wait until the end of the school year and that was still several months far ahead.

To make the story short, 6 months later I went back to Japan, did the interview, got the job and now I am leaving to Japan next week, that's it, no bumps, no falls, just one smooth and straight direct-to-Japan line.

Now let's rewind a little, a year ago, when I returned from my first visit to Japan I met a girl and this almost changes everything. This happened shortly after I got back. At that moment I didn't even have a job interview but was definitely planning to get it. I still went ahead and started an uneasy relationship with a very young girl that let me add had lost her father a couple of years earlier. A bumpy relationship that didn't look like one at all and only took real form much later. During the first 4 or 5 months we were just hanging out, going to parties, trying to like each other, it was nothing serious and we didn't have sex either.

Months went by and as my plans were getting more clear we went from absolutely-nothing-serious to more and more seriously attached to each other. I didn't have a job at Japan yet but the interview was planned. So I went to Japan and got back with a contract signed and a job and I needed to talk to her. At that point it wasn't a huge deal, I was definitely not losing my mind or anything. I figured following my dream was simply more important than our trouble relationship. I was not taking things lightly but it was clear what to do.

However, what you been waiting for, here is when I screw things up. I simply ignored the problem. Since we were having problems now and then (and now more often than that) and still no sex I thought this probably won't last much longer but in fact we got closer. To make things more dramatic, by the time we finally had sex she turned out to be a virgin (which she had admitted before but growing up in a culture where girls losing their virginity at 14 or 15 is completely normal I didn't fully believe her). It was the first time I had sex with a virgin and I suddenly felt a lot more connected to her because of it.

I finally admitted to her I was leaving like 3 months ago, during which time we had more sex and the relationship brought us closer. When I said everything I was expecting a breakup but she decided differently instead and we didn't talk so much about it until recently. The last 2 weeks have been extreme to both of us. Every time we see each other we cry a little, we hug and cry. Sad.

She understand I need to leave because there is a better future out there for me than staying here where everything is worse and worse as I write here but at the same time she wants me to stay of course. On my part I understand I need to leave because that's exactly what I have always wanted and in fact I am leaving because I can't let my feelings win on this one, I need to use my brains, however I can't help feeling terrible about everything.

Now, we are saying that we will keep in touch and try to maintain the relationship but the facts are that even though I am officially leaving for 2 years my plan is to leave for good and return for nothing more than visiting. My mind is filled with "I don't want to lose her" and "I will miss her so much" but at the same time I don't want to bring my problems to Japan and start with the wrong food, I need to be able to fully focus on my new life and job. Also I need to work harder on learning the language (because I have been trying with little success for the past 2 years).

Obviously it will be very difficult or near to impossible to maintain a relationship over these conditions. Truth is, I don't have any romantic interest, only her I swear, but I wish to fully dedicate to my work so I can do it right. Sure, I can email her or Skype her every other day, but do you really think that will keep the love going?. All I can promise is that I won't be hunting for love but I am afraid I won't be able to be "here" anymore.

Back to reality. She's still a freshman and I will be living in Japan from now on. She can't drop school because obviously she can't just come along with me to Japan so she would need to finish her studies first and that's 5 years before we could think of any plans.

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Thanks a lot for reading, please post your comments below. I guess that, what I am asking here are suggestions, how to sort out my feelings and thoughts? how to talk about it with her, how to console her and how to help myself to overcome the feeling of guilt. I appreciate your advice.

[Cinnabella]

It seems like you want to focus on your job which is not wrong but why did you even start it when you were not sure about being with her and especially took her virginity! I mean you seem are not very responsible. Long distance relationship is hard especially you won't be able to meet each other a lot while you will be working in J, i think you better come to the discuss between you guys to see what's the best to do, if she wants to stop it, will be the best, I mean for her sake, the more it goings, the more it's going to hurt the girl

[Lupin]

This is what happens when you just "let things flow". When we started the relationship my mind was already on Japan but nothing was certain. By the time I got the interview we were not even close to a couple and by the time I got the job we were just a bumpy relationship with a clear tendency to fight and breakup was just around the corner. But the always expected occurred, the "unexpected". We grew closer, we started hanging out more, things got simpler and yes we finally had sex. I didn't just took her virginity, she wanted to have sex too but I declare myself guilty of all charges.

[Holdme]

Me and my ex just ended our long distance relationship - which was a bad idea to begin with. We both headed back to university to do our final years and look for graduate jobs - both top priority in our heads. This lead to us not seeing each other enough as we put our work before our relationship and the spark eventually died out - we stil like each other as people theres just no feeling. This will most likely happen to.

[Dean Kaplan]

Unless you were in a relationship for a long time leading up to one of you moving away, having a long distance relationship is really hard work, because you don't have the foundation of time to hold up the relationship over the long haul. Sounds like your focus is on your career, so even though it's tough, you have to focus on what your soul is telling you is more important. Just let her go, you'll find another woman in due time. Sounds harsh, but you know it's pretty true.

[Lupin]

I confess I am not so worried about myself. When I find myself sucked in by work and surrounded by inspiring Japan I will be able to put my mind where it should be easily. Also, I won't get access to a computer for a few weeks chances to keep in touch will be seldom at first. I think I don't have it so hard. I am concerned about her though, and I feel guilty, like I have done something bad or wrong. (Maybe I should chop off the little finger lol)