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[Anna25]

Hello, forums. I have been wondering about something for the past 2 years of my relationship and could really use some unbiased opinions. Any help/insight would be appreciated.

My boyfriend and I are very happy together, love each other a great deal and generally speaking, things are great. He's my best friend and has proven himself in many ways. I really enjoy my time with him, the attraction is strong and I have fun with him even when we're just sitting at home doing nothing all to impressive.

But..

Its been 2 years, I'm 25 and I still don't want to move in with him. Or marry him. I figured I'd be ready for / want such a commitment by now. There are a few reasons why I think I'm not ready yet: I worry about what kind of husband he'll be. The thing is, the relationship isn't easy. He is very difficult and can be quite argumentative. We argue frequently but we also resolve these arguments. He is a bit controlling but I have always been able to handle this and he respects me because he can't control me. Still, he tries though I know its unconsciously. These all make me wonder what things will be like years down the road. He regularly has shouting matches with his mother and father, only once has he really bellowed at me like that but he didn't think he had any reason to apologize later (I shouldn't have made him so upset, was his reasoning. He was furious because I helped a girl he had told me not to because she was just using me. I told him this right before going into the car and he had no where to vent or walk away to so he took it out on me, in front of two of our friends, in the car. If I had known it would so upset him, I never would have told him then). I worry that one day he will yell like that at my children. Many of his behaviors have changed since being with me so this might not happen but I can't really know.

This will sound awful but I'm not sure he brings out the best in me. I feel I do in him, he has become more loving and trusting since our relationship, less prickly. More patient. Less argumentative. More open without this cold wall of steel around him like he used to have. Values friendship and loyalty more highly, cares more for what kind of person those close to him are and not just that they're fun to be with. Though, perhaps that was just him growing up. He has had good influences on me as well: I am stronger, more confident, won't let people walk over me as they had a tendency to do before. However, I am also far shorter tempered, cynical and generally not as nice a person as I used to be. He doesn't agree with many ideals I believe in and some of the traits which I think are the best things about me: my belief in charity, that even if you don't have much there are those that have even less and you should find a way to give. He thinks this is naive. That I believe in being nice and kind to everyone, unless they have done something to wrong me or someone else close to me. He believes this is also naive and that kindness should be earned. Things like that. In general, he has a more cynical and negative outlook and instead of supporting my optimism he tries to keep "waking me up" to what he views as reality. I know he does this to protect me but I feel it stifles some of my more positive traits. I don't believe I am unrealistic in my optimism and am well aware of reality but believe that your attitude toward life can have a great affect in changing things and nothing is gained by choosing to be negative about the world.

Also, though perhaps this isn't such a big deal, whenever we hang out together for 3 days straight, we need a "break" from each other. More accurately, he usually does. "Break" meaning we don't see each other for at least another day or two though we still speak on the phone every day. From what I've heard from others, this isn't common and perhaps doesn't bode well.

I hear people that speak of "easier" relationships. Not where they're easy but where they're not so much work. Where they know that they are with the "one". I don't have that feeling. I love him but I also feel that I could have loved another though obviously in a different way. I know I could survive without him and find somebody else. But he's the one I love so I don't want to leave him just for the sake of finding something "easy". Love means something. Is it really enough though? For something like a lifelong commitment? If I don't feel he's "the one", does that mean I should break up with him and find someone that does feel like that? Or is it just a fairytale / one in a million type occurrence?

Sorry this came out long but please, I would really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

[xxazurexx]

Can't say I blame you for having doubts, I would be too. I'd be considering whether I should remain with this guy, let alone be thinking about marrying him - marriage would be the last thing on my mind.

Any guy who doesn't bring out the best in you, aint a 'keeper' IMO.

[Anna25]

Any guy who doesn't bring out the best in you, aint a 'keeper' IMO.

Thanks for responding! See, this is where I'm not sure because I know he is only trying to strengthen those traits in me that he thinks are good for me and will protect me. He has brought on positive changes and what I view as negative he thinks are positive things. I see it as not being as nice or patient a person, he sees it as not being naive or letting people take advantage. As for charity, he simply doesn't believe in it unless you yourself aren't struggling with finances. Other ideals I have.. he simply doesn't share them. He doesn't actively try to dishearten me from them but he doesn't really support them either. He has what he believes is a "realistic" and not naive way of looking at the world, I think its mistakenly cynical.

So.. is that not bringing out the best in me? I don't know. He thinks he strengthens my good qualities, I just don't agree with him entirely on what those are and where we disagree, he doesn't strengthen those qualities.

I don't know, what does this mean? That after two years of love and friendship, of him always being there when I needed him and proving himself in so many ways, after stating that I love and accept him for who he is, all of a sudden its "sorry honey, I'm leaving you because of who you are". I'm trying to wrap my head around if its truly reached that point or not, if its not that bad and we have a solid, good basis for a long term relationship despite these things (not to mention he might yet change even more of his attitudes) or if I'm just deluding myself.

I'd like to ask you another question, please: If it weren't for everything else I mentioned, and it was just a question of not having that "the one" feeling, would your advise be the same? Would you still think I should reconsider the relationship or is that "the one" feeling not something everyone experiences and more of a fairytale type thing?

[HeartIsAching]

He shouldn't be "trying to strengthen traits" or to get you to change to suit him, for any reason. You're right, he's controlling.

To answer your question, you'll know when there's no doubt in your mind. I wish I'd known that when I was younger.

[EnjoyingLife]

It doesn't seem like he is willing to change his views on certain things that are important to you and if your values in life don't match then it's probably not a good idea to marry him. As for the yelling, people often have fights and yell at each other. Apparantly this is good for a relationship to get your feelings out in the open (within reason)! He shouldn't have done this in front of your friends though. This shows disrespect.

As for feeling whether someone is the 'the one' or not I'm not sure if this is a fairytale but I do think you should listen to your gut instinct. If you don't think he is 'the one' that is you having doubts due to his behaviour. Your friends probably feel they have met the right one because they are with someone that wants the same things as them and agree on most life topics. Most of my friends say feel 'right' about their partners/husbands but I have never felt completely 'right' about anybody and I'm 32. I think some girls are just happy with a basic life and anything that is decent is enough for them to feel 'right'. Some people just don't have a strong instinct and you would be surprised that a lot of people get married for lots of different reasons not just love. Also, don't listen to anybody that says their relationship is easy, as there will always be disagreements!

Good luck, you're still young and there is always somebody else out there. To decide whether to end it or not, just ask yourself 'am I happy'? Can you continue on like this for years to come? It all comes down to how you want your life to pan out.

[girl68]

I think if you feel like this NOW time will only make it worse. Love isn't end all be all- there has to be a lot more than just love to make it work.

[Anna25]

To answer your question, you'll know when there's no doubt in your mind. I wish I'd known that when I was younger.

Thanks, that makes sense. I'll keep what you say in mind and hope I reach that point, being wary not to commit before.

To decide whether to end it or not, just ask yourself 'am I happy'? Can you continue on like this for years to come? It all comes down to how you want your life to pan out.

See, that's the thing. I am happy. Happier than I've ever been in my entire life. Happier than I'd ever thought I'd be. Which is why I am unsure about tossing it all away for something "better". I know its not ideal but is it so bad it should be cast aside straight away as it currently stands?

I think if you feel like this NOW time will only make it worse. Love isn't end all be all- there has to be a lot more than just love to make it work.

Yes, this is very true. I know this and perfectly agree. I feel we have more than love, we have friendship, mutual respect, compromise. I think similar financial ideas though I can't know for sure until we make joint financial decisions. Similar values when it comes to social interaction and what we expect of others.

We have come across various hurdles and the greatest thing that has kept me going was that any time we came across something that was really an issue to me, he made a conscious effort and changed it. A few examples: how closed off and defensive he once was. How fiercely argumentative. How cold and distant he becomes during/after an argument. He has since worked on all of these and really changed to a level I could live with in the relationship. I never expected him to make the changes, I just made it clear I couldn't stay in the relationship if he continued that behavior. He never made any promises, only said he would work on it. Then he did, and he really changed. So, I have hope and think perhaps I don't have to throw the towel in right away. The question is, is this leap too big of one? Am I fooling myself? Is there actually no hope and it must end?


In summary, I'm trying to decide what my next move is. What would be your (forum members) advice? Just leave him, or is there something we can perhaps do to try to work things out? To try and make it work somehow despite these problems?

[Boisdevie]

You have to be who you are. And if you can't do this 24/7 when you're together then forget marriage