gf's scary email ... pls help!!!

[fueltank]

I recently got an email from my girlfriend of one year that freaked me out.

She says been scared to talk to me for a while. I didn’t hear from her for a few days, this is strange. The last month, her behavior changed noticeably. She got less physical. Doesn’t seem to listen too much to what I say. Seems preoccupied. kinda doesnt want to talk to me on the phone. I ignored her behavior, thinking it would disappear.

I got an nice email from her wishing me happy new year. This is cool.
A few days later, I get another one. A long, scary one. Never seen one this long.

She’s says been lying to me. She’s been pretending to be happy for the past while, when in reality she’s been frustrated and depressed. She feels our relationship isn’t right. Something is missing. She feels no passion, no love.

The concerns brought up were:
1) she feels no passion. She says I spoil her too much, and am too nice to her. Which is true. I don’t really force her to do anything she doesn’t wanna, it just aint me. I’m always trying to please her. She says this makes her feel uncomfortable and that a relationship shouldn’t be this way. She thinks it should go both ways
2) She wants to be with me, and tried to have a relationship with me. She knows I’m very good to her, but only that she says is not enough for a relationship. (this really scares me)

3) She says my spoiling makes her feel she doesn’t need me. She says she feels fine without contacting me, but I feel the need to be with her, contact her… she doesn’t feel the burning desire to see me… to talk to me
4) She complained about lack of intimacy and problems in bed (we don’t’ live together). Says I don’t demand enough. If I receive the slightest opposition, I back off and don’t ask for sex.
5) Shes not feeling my love, and not ready (we were going to get married) because she feels we’re not close enough.


This really scares me… has she already given up? What the heck is going on? I love her… I’ve taken care of her, helped her in every ways possible…

What should I do? How bad is this? I want to fix this so bad I’m really worried all hope is lost ...

[searching]

Hi, I just wrote a thread that while circumstantially things are different, the core is the same - our significant others are telling us that we're too nice, too available, too giving, too accomodating, too present, too whatever and it's a turn off.
IT HURTS.
I am so sorry you are going through this too. It is demoralising and painful. I was told that my partner doesn't have respect for me when I just want things to be okay.
I don't know what to suggest other than what I am trying to do for myself, to not be so nice and loving and tending and kind. Apparently people don't want to feel like they're special all the time.

[SelflessnHumble]

How bad is this? Well, it's simple.

She's a self admitted liar (sure she admitted it, but a liar nonetheless)
She doesn't love you nor is she in love with you. She doesn't find you sexually appealing nor stimulating and you
cannot decide IF you want to still stay with her or not? Wow.

She does NOT want to be with YOU!
She wants the adoration, the gifts and the spoiling but just can't stand to be with you.

You cannot fix someone else, only yourself for YOU (not for anyone) <------This is the answer.
Move on with your life and choose a girl that is sane, stable and doesn't have insecurity issues and low self esteem. <-----This the solution.

[Beringer]

she basically told you that she is using you and it makes her feel bad, and that your- for lack of a better word- a wussy ...i would jump ship as hard as that can be you will be better for it in the long run dude. If a girl admittedly told me that she likes all the nice things i buy her and how nice i am but she isnt attracted to me and thinks im a wuss i would take all the pride i had left an bail....but thats just me lol

[fueltank]

actually, she has said she doesnt want or need the spoiling ...

well, she's raised some more concerns as to:

1) I'm giving her too much respect... she doesn't like it when I get all worried when she gives me one look ... she says this makes her feel awkward
2) she thinks our social and our sex lives are strange ..she feels awkward and doesnt fit in ... this my fault, I haven't really introduced her to my family or my friends much
3) I dont really listen to her concerns... when shes unhappy I try to cheer her up, without really asking her whats making her unhappy

[RockNRoll]

How came you spoke about marriage but haven't introduced her to your family and friends?

She says that you are too nice to her, but it should go both ways... Maybe she just doesn't feel like doing as much for you.
She said it all: she doesn't miss you when you are apart and (because) she isn't in love with you. All the rest are details, which are not that important if "something is missing". It seems to be one-sided relationship, and you'll be used if you carry on. Take care of your self-respect. A year is a good time, and she probably gave it some thoughts and chances before. It's a bitter truth, but it's good that you know it now.

I am really sorry, but basically the best thing to do is to break up.

[Boisdevie]

How the hell can she complain that you have too much respect for her? Does she want you to treat her like a whore? She is one messed up woman and marriage? - think again.

[Alliance]

I'm just afraid theres nothing left and shes already made her decision.

I should have talked with her sooner, when I noticed her behavior changed about a month ago. Before that we were very warm and loving... she'd text and call all the time... the videos we took, the smile on her face, it all shows that... how could she forget?

couple months ago she got a new job, and school started. She got busier and busier... 7 days a week, either one or the other.... it was hard to arrange dates... dates were shoved into "break" and "lunch" slots, and she appeared physically tired. her career wobbled badly. financial situation took a dive.

I don't think there was no intimacy, no passion... she's being unfair in this regard. There was, still is... it's just been overshadowed (at least this is what i feel)

I have a photo we took together, a few months ago... one look at that photo, and you could tell we were a couple very much in love.

It's almost like as if shes forgotten all the beautiful moments... I don't know how to say this to her...
this email she sent me, really hurts...

[Avg.]

She doesn't want you. Better to let go now, then later. I felt this way middway through a long relationship, and both me and my ex lost ourselves at the end.

She's being too detailed about it. That's a mistake a woman always makes since men think more succinct: she's not feeling it. She's not gaining anything positive from this relationship and wants to leave before it's too late.

LET HER. She's breaking up with you. You have no say. If it's done- it's done. Let it go and try to work on yourself. Don't do anything stupid. Don't take her back when it's clear you're not meant for eachother.

[MynameisJesus]

No offence to you OP, and no offence to other people in this thread, but I have no idea why everybody is blaming the woman in this story. I'm not saying you should be blamed, but love is not something that keeps working if you make an effort. If it's not natural, it's just not there.
Relationships end and I hate it when people get slaughtered on fora because they admit that they don't feel it anymore.

I'm sure you love her, but do you also "need" her as in being dependant?
I don't want to make you more upset than you already are. She didn't pretend to be happy to play games with you, but because she finds this hard to talk about.
And now she finally did I find it annoying that most people here blame her for that.

[xxazurexx]

Start treating her like shit and like a low life whore. Maybe she will respect you more.

[MynameisJesus]

How the hell can she complain that you have too much respect for her? Does she want you to treat her like a whore? She is one messed up woman and marriage? - think again.

I can tell that the 2 people who thanked you for this BS are men. Communication is key and as soon as someone brings up a difficult point of discussion, you come up with " does she want to be treated like a whore? "
That is so black and white it's ridiculous. You can never fix any problems with that attitude

[MynameisJesus]

Start treating her like shit and like a low life whore. Maybe she will respect you more.

No wonder people cheat on their partners. If this is the response you get when you bring up a difficult point

[Alliance]

she ended the email with "I don't want to tell u this when you have a ring in your hands... I'm not ready to be married, I feel we're not close enough, and I can't feel your love"

"maybe i'm making a big mistake now, and I dont think you'll forgive me"


I need to try to save this ... because I believe there is a lot of hope for our relationship, I just look back at all we share and I know ... I mean, she's never brought up these concerns before, at least she can give me a chance?

a couple of months of distress and it seems like she's calling it quits?

would it help if I backed off for a while and be a little less intense?

It's so sudden... it shocks me... I've been numb for the past few days... I don't know why two days difference and I get a scary email like that... compared the email before, and it was perfectly loving... called me "dearest" and everything...

[RockNRoll]

I can tell that the 2 people who thanked you for this BS are men. Communication is key and as soon as someone brings up a difficult point of discussion, you come up with " does she want to be treated like a whore? "
That is so black and white it's ridiculous. You can never fix any problems with that attitude

One of these is people is definitely a woman I agree about communication! But that's not the point. This girl complained several times about how nice and respected she is being treated. Why would somebody complain about getting "too much respect"?! I didn't get it. Maybe she is into bad boys or wants some aggression?!
____

I need to try to save this ... because I believe there is a lot of hope for our relationship, I just look back at all we share and I know ... I mean, she's never brought up these concerns before, at least she can give me a chance?
.

Do you have 2 nick names? I don't want to make you feel worse either or stop you from taking the chance if it is really worth it. Just something to think about. Wish you all the best anyway!

It takes two people for relationship, especially if it needs some patching. It's not that you just have problems between you. It's over for her - it changes everything.
She mentioned that you are too nice to her, etc., whatever - and she doesn't like it. Probably she will feel the same way if you try to talk yourself into relationship.

It might be so confusing and painful to look at those photos, remember your moments. Perhaps she really was happy then, sounds like you had some really good time. She feels different now - you can try to understand reasons, but don't expect her to change her mind. Her recent loving letter followed by confession that she was pretending shows, how difficult it is to see the real feelings behind those happy moments.

It's not that you made mistakes for her to give you another chance. It's not our fault if somebody doesn't have "feelings" to us, it's just the way we connected. If she is sure that she doesn't feel the way you'd like her to feel, will you respect yourself to be in a false relationship?