literally on the verge of separating from my wife-is our marriage still "saveable"?

[xxjustinukxx]

Hi to everyone reading this!

Im in a really bad situation, desperate to see if there is anything I can do to save my marriage, i'm in tears typing this and even though i'm not a religious bloke in the slightest, I'm praying for a miracle.

For the last few 6 or seven years, things between myself and my wife have been up and down. We have three gorgeous kids and obviously, our focus has been on them and making sure they get the best in life we can give them.

I guess it's the old thing of us drifting apart, and we both feel like two friends who live together. It's been over a year since we had any sexual contact and my wife has said shes 90% certain it's over between us. I'm ever the optimist and hope there are things we can do to reverse the slide towards separation, but apart from the fact I love her dearly and would do anything for her, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do.

Friends have had their opinions, suggesting I do too much and I'm not appreciated, I mean, I guess I do a fair bit, I do all the cooking at home, all of the washing and drying, most of the cleaning, get the kids up every night, put them to bed every night, but I love doing that, I dont work and so i want to do what I can to contribute, you know?

The other thing some friends have said is about my Wife's best friend, he is an old school mate, who i've also gotten really close with, now, there is no doubt in my mind that they are nothing more than friends. But, my wife is always sending text messages to him, hundreds a month, he's always the first person she calls in the morning and the last person she calls at night. He's also not exactly made a secret of the fact he fancies my missus, he lived with us for a year and during that time, he and my wife slept in the same bed in our front room, yes, in the same bed. I accepted it as he said he found it hard to go to sleep as he'd not long separated with his wife. As I said, i'd do anything for my wife and so I agreed to it. Even though it was so hard to see that night after night. The reason I mentioned it was to give you guys a bit of the back story. I have to be honest, I have felt way down the list of my wife's priorities for a long time now.

So, on the 15th of this month, when my wife has some time off (she works part time in the evenings) we will sit down and talk things through one last time.

I'm desperate and so scared. And the worst thing is that if and when we do separate (and it feels like more of a "When"), how am i going to look at my kids faces and tell them daddy is moving out? It'll break their heart.

Any help anyone can give me would be more appreciated than I can say.

justin

[Aniphilia]

I am feeling your pain dear even though I dont have children with the man I love, we have 2 of our own each and have been together for nearly 6 years. I think this time could be the last time as he broke up with me the other day again.
There are some patterns obviously. If you have been a stay home father for a long time it could be a role reversal she doesnt agree with anymore. The sleeping with your best friend was a mistake in my opinion. You werent in an open relationship it seems so that gets in the way. Its hard to imagine someone not loving you back the way youd like when you would do anything for them I know. I am accepting of so much of the man I love that it could of mean the demise of us. Although he would probably not agree! Do you think you could go back to work? Lay down some rules and boundries? Tell her it was a big mistake to allow the sleeping arrangements in the past? Its hard to get perspective sometimes when your in the middle of things. The patterns are there and take work to undo. I somehow messed up my relationship and lost him again. His explanation was actually hipocritical and blaming and there was no chance for me to defend myself as he had it all planned out. I hope you have a chance. Make your key statements and show her some of your fire. She already KNOWS you will do anything for her so giver her something to think about. Surprise her. But this all has to come from within you to make it stick. Then follow through. Not easy by any means i know, I am being blamed for not following through when I was but at a bit slower pace than he was at goals we had set to enrich our lives.

She may not even realize what she has because she has it so easy? Maybe she needs a challenge. Thats what I mean by giving her something to think about.

Maybe looking into yours and hers astrological aspects will give you some insight? And I dont mean daily horiscope. Use all your tools when you sit to have a heart to heart. Im so sorry for your sadness. I have nearly broken out in tears in public the last couple days but at home I havent been able too.

Give it all you got and throw in some new software!

[Take2]

Will she consider couples counseling? When your relationship has deteriorated and fallen apart like that, I think it can really help to have an outsider with training in these things help you look at the damage objectively, help you to discuss things that need to be discussed without getting mean and unconstructive, help you learn the tools and methods to repair what you have. The thing is, marriage can only work when 2 people are both committed to making it work, every day. It sounds like you have both let it slide and now you have the will to do what it takes to fix it. Which is awesome. But you have to realize that if she opts out, you can't change that.

I was where you are, back in May. Marriage fallen apart, 2 small kids, me ready to dedicate my liife to fixing it, my ex ready to walk out the door. If he would have joined me in fixing things, I think it would have been easier for him than leaving ended up being. Divorce is hard work, single parenting is hard work, so you might remind your wife of this while she is deciding. Still, I have a hopeful message even if it all falls apart: Kids are extremely resilient and want to be happy-your kids will be fine. Adults kind of have that, too-you will be fine. My ex left me in May, and my life today is incredibly fulfilling and exciting, my kids are coping well and adjusting more every day, and I am doing pretty well with developing a friendship with my ex to facilitate our raising our kids as a team. I disagree with his choice to throw in the towel back in May, but it has been a benefit to me, nontheless. I know it feels like the end of the world, it feels like things are out of your control and that is scary, but it will all be OK no matter which way things go!

[vashti]

You don't have a spine, and you don't have a job. This is why she doesn't respect you, and therefore cannot love you... being a nice guy who loves her isn't enough.

[xxjustinukxx]

You don't have a spine, and you don't have a job. This is why she doesn't respect you, and therefore cannot love you... being a nice guy who loves her isn't enough.

Thanks for the reply Vashti, intially I will be honest, I didn't appreciate being called spineless. But based on what I said, I can't blame you for saying that. However, with respect, you don't know me and I felt that was a bit harsh. But hey, maybe harsh criticism is what i need.

Do you think there is anything else i can do or say to at least make her think maybe we have a chance? If what i'm doing isn't enough, what more can i do?

I will be replying to the other replies shortly too!

Thank you everyone, sincerely.

[vashti]

I'm sorry - I don't mean to sound harsh, and I admit I can be a bit blunt, but seriously! You let your wife sleep with another man under your own roof, and given that, there really is no other way to characterize you.

Your wife shows a blatant amount of disrespect for you as a person. I don't honestly know how you can rectify this after tolerating such outrageous behavior... a pattern has been established, and changing up the rules so late in the game may not result in the desired outcome. I don't think trying to establish boundaries at this point will endear her to you, but I can say that if things don't work out, you MUST learn how to establish strong boundaries in future relationships, including with your children. Good luck.

[Gratedwasabi]

Thanks for the reply Vashti, intially I will be honest, I didn't appreciate being called spineless. But based on what I said, I can't blame you for saying that. However, with respect, you don't know me and I felt that was a bit harsh. But hey, maybe harsh criticism is what i need.

Do you think there is anything else i can do or say to at least make her think maybe we have a chance? If what i'm doing isn't enough, what more can i do?

I will be replying to the other replies shortly too!

Thank you everyone, sincerely.

I was about to jump on Vash a bit for that comment until I reread and you LET HER AND THIS GUY SLEEP TOGETHER IN YOUR HOUSE?! Are you ****ing kidding? That's painful for me just to read. She wasn't being harsh. You let your wife sleep with a dude in your own house for a year and somehow assume they're just friends. Wow.

No, your marriage isn't saveable. You continuing to be your wife's maid is saveable, but there's no marriage there to be saved.

[DavidDeAnge]

I cant agree with them but it was a bit of exaggeration from this dude and you let it happen. Now to the point after a year you realized he messed up your life, this is a thing to remember try everything you have to save the marriage if not for her do it for your children.
They deserve a future, my dad had to make a desicion involving our family once he got offered some options but because he loved me and my siblings he choosed my mom and us and now 13years after we have in our family what I can call an unbreakable family bond.

Try to do more than you think you can push the boundries even further because your kids deserve a happy future with a mom and dad.

[RockNRoll]

This is so sad, I wish you all the best Justin!
Probably you can get some counseling, because you'll need to make things work between you in any case.
Sometimes people grow apart. It has to do with feelings and emotions, those things are not completely under our control, and difficult to be understood with logic. You can work on so many things to make relationship better, but if the feelings, desire to be together is not strong enough (from one side), there is not much you can do. Accepting it and moving on somehow is probably the only and the most painful thing you can do. You can't change her feelings to such extend no matter what you do. You should not blame yourself for that. But you have some experience to learn on now.

[HeartIsAching]

Gonna have to go with Vashti's comment here. She's in love with him, even if she's not sleeping with him... and I'm betting she is.

I wouldn't bother trying to save it.

[xxjustinukxx]

I'm sorry - I don't mean to sound harsh, and I admit I can be a bit blunt, but seriously! You let your wife sleep with another man under your own roof, and given that, there really is no other way to characterize you.

Your wife shows a blatant amount of disrespect for you as a person. I don't honestly know how you can rectify this after tolerating such outrageous behavior... a pattern has been established, and changing up the rules so late in the game may not result in the desired outcome. I don't think trying to establish boundaries at this point will endear her to you, but I can say that if things don't work out, you MUST learn how to establish strong boundaries in future relationships, including with your children. Good luck.

You're right Vashti, There really is no excuse for letting that happen. I guess i'm guilty of letting her take advantage. I just wanted to be a decent husband but getting trampled on wasn't the way to go. It was never my intention to be a doormat. Thank you for your help.

[xxjustinukxx]

I was about to jump on Vash a bit for that comment until I reread and you LET HER AND THIS GUY SLEEP TOGETHER IN YOUR HOUSE?! Are you ****ing kidding? That's painful for me just to read. She wasn't being harsh. You let your wife sleep with a dude in your own house for a year and somehow assume they're just friends. Wow.

No, your marriage isn't saveable. You continuing to be your wife's maid is saveable, but there's no marriage there to be saved.

These comments sure are eye openers, I've been a proper mug, so I guess I only have myself to blame that our marriage has gone down the toilet. The "spineless" comment was actually pretty accurate, thinking about it. Thanks Gratedwasabi!

[xxjustinukxx]

Gonna have to go with Vashti's comment here. She's in love with him, even if she's not sleeping with him... and I'm betting she is.

I wouldn't bother trying to save it.

Thats what i was afraid of. You don't evem think its worth bothering saving?

[xxjustinukxx]

This is so sad, I wish you all the best Justin!
Probably you can get some counseling, because you'll need to make things work between you in any case.
Sometimes people grow apart. It has to do with feelings and emotions, those things are not completely under our control, and difficult to be understood with logic. You can work on so many things to make relationship better, but if the feelings, desire to be together is not strong enough (from one side), there is not much you can do. Accepting it and moving on somehow is probably the only and the most painful thing you can do. You can't change her feelings to such extend no matter what you do. You should not blame yourself for that. But you have some experience to learn on now.

Thanks RockNRoll, I've suggested counselling, but she's totally against the idea as she doesn't want to talk to "strangers" about our problems. So, thats a non starter!

This whole experience has taught me so much!

[Dolmetscher]

Go out and IMMEDIATELY read the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover.

No, it isn't a book about how you need to get tough or grow a spine. But it is a book that WILL help you BOTH!!! You can read it in a day easily. And then let her read it. It is best if you both read it and understand that you will be going through some changes. You have to honestly both realize that you have an actual condition. Your approval seeking and manipulative nature is diagnosable, correctable, and a very educational experience for you both.

I promise you... it will be the first step towards saving your marriage!!! It saved my life.