How can I forgive his constant lies?

[confused claire]

Hi guys!
First of all, and most important.... HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!
As always lets hope for a better year ahead...


I've posted before about my bf secretly texting his ex. Basically he assured me the texts were few and far between, she always instigated it, he wasn't interested etc etc. I confronted him, he said nothing to worry about, she was 'harassing' him etc etc.

I recently found his mobile phone bills and discovered he has regularly been in contact with her - texting and phoning at all times of day and early hours during the one year we have been together (over 1,300 texts to be more precise)
He still denies it!
When he was away at his parents' in the spring he texted me a beautiful photo of the sunlight shining over the sea at the beach he was at, he said he wished I was there.
Just before he sent me that, he texted her a photo too....hmmmm! That hurts!

I have been very depressed over this for the last 6 months as my gut feelings have been that there is something not right. I have self harmed because it has basically made me feel like s**t, and I am now on anti depressants and waiting for counselling.

From feeling totally in love, like never ever before in my life (I am the ripe old age of 38 - he is 55) I now find I don't think I really know him at all

Please, I would love your opinions and advice...

Thanks, and lots of love x x

[MynameisJesus]

I'm sorry to hear that. Your man is a liar and for me there is no reason to continue this relationship.
I might not be qualified to judge this but my advice is to have one more serious talk which includes that you put the texts and photo's under his nose.
And if it is not too hard for you, I believe you should call the woman he's texting with and ask her what is going on. "Are you having an affair with my boyfriend? Yes or no?"

1300 texts seems like chronic lieing to me. I'm sorry for you.
I think your relationship is over

Good luck with your new life

[SelflessnHumble]

I've posted before about my bf secretly texting his ex. Basically he assured me the texts were few and far between, she always instigated it, he wasn't interested etc etc. I confronted him, he said nothing to worry about, she was 'harassing' him etc etc.

They say that the truth hurts...
I'd like to think that the truth is liberating because it is pure and unadulterated/censored.
The thing I see here: You're not listening to your woman's intuition and are merely discarding it
due to this relationship. You have no issue with confronting him: and you have no issue letting him constantly LIE to you.

Is this a relationship based out of convenience?
(is he unemployed, are you? Are you living together or feel forced to?)

Anyway this is how simple it should be: (Watch)
She: Is harassing him?
He: Blocks her number/incoming texts OR
He: Changes his number (or gets Google Voice: which gives him a new number) Then:
He: Shuts off his text plan so that she can no longer text him.
Problem solved. Easy as pie.
Should he refuse to do so: (in any way) He wants her to continue the connection that he has with her.

I recently found his mobile phone bills and discovered he has regularly been in contact with her - texting and phoning at all times of day and early hours during the one year we have been together (over 1,300 texts to be more precise) He still denies it!

(1) This is the problem I see with most people but woman in particular:
You are presented with indisputable evidence of him texting her YET: You do nothing.
See, once you have been given the truth (his affirmation isn't needed) and you choose to do nothing?
You (due to your own insecurity and reasoning) allow him to continually LIE and CHEAT
you out of a meaningful/truthful relationship.

(2) You are no better for "discovering" his phone bills. They are his property and his private matters: not yours.
-If you have to cheat or breach the trust just to prove something: You are in a meaningless relationship.
-Even if you had the CIA, NSA, and FBI show him photo or video graphic proof he'd deny it!

When he was away at his parents' in the spring he texted me a beautiful photo of the sunlight shining over the sea at the beach he was at, he said he wished I was there.
Just before he sent me that, he texted her a photo too....hmmmm! That hurts!

You know what you must do but it seems you are comfortably numb for the sake
of keeping your lie of a relationship intact even if he is to lie to you.

I have been very depressed over this for the last 6 months as my gut feelings have been that there is something not right. I have self harmed because it has basically made me feel like s**t, and I am now on anti depressants and waiting for counselling.

From feeling totally in love, like never ever before in my life (I am the ripe old age of 38 - he is 55) I now find I don't think I really know him at all

(1) You are 100% responsible for your feelings: Namely this depression/counseling and making yourself sick (not him)
(2) Even though he is lying in denial scumbag of death: You have a choice in how you react!
(3) If you feel like shit? Stop making yourself feel like shit!


Ultimately there is a reason why he has lied to you and it might surprise you.
See no matter his excuses (which I'm sure they are abundant)

He doesn't love you nor respect you.
He doesn't honor your relationship and likes to have this woman on the side whenever he deems it appropriate.
There is no type nor amount of reasoning that will allow him to humble himself and address
the lies and the hurt he has *caused.*

So here is what you do:
-You sit him down and do one of either 2 things:

(1) You tell him how you feel and tell him that while you do love him...
-You cannot have him texting this girl on the side because it hurts you and invalidates your relationship.
-IF he refuses: He doesn't care about you and he has just picked her over you.

(2) You tell him that you felt you had no other way of knowing for sure since you felt
-he was lying to you so you discovered his phone bills and saw the 1,300 text messages.
-Tell him you know her number and you saw it for yourself.

Then you get out of the there and learn to be assertive.
Lying is unhealthy for a relationship so stand up for yourself and do what's right.
Don't be a doormat for this man's indiscretions.

[reeba]

You busted him contacting his ex, he lies about it, and also continues doing it. First of all, cheaters are liars. That is what they do. And when you know he is continuing to contact this girl after you asked him to stop, why do you want to FORGIVE him? What makes you think he is going to stop this time?

In a previous post you said you have low self esteem, have a weight problem, and on depresion meds and self harm. This guy is BAD for you. You expect to improve your self esteem and stave off depression by staying with someone who lies and cheats?

[smackie9]

He's still into his ex....how much more proof do you need? Stop being so gullible and dump the guy.

[Boisdevie]

Get a grip and dump the git. He's way too old for you anyway.

[MynameisJesus]

I often see people simply getting obsessive. They are simply wasting their time.

You have the stuff to bait any fish and try your hook. You can catch plenty of them

This might be an other discussion but I'd like to know more about it. As a virgin I've often set one woman as a target and watched her every move, thinking about her 24/7. It's the most unhealthy thing I've ever done.

There is no such thing as "the one" and by putting one person on a pedestal I got in huge trouble, just like Claire is now.
I found it hard to accept when close friends said it's not love but an obsession. But if I think about it I realize it's true. I'll never let one person have such power again.
Confused Claire, you sound as if your happiness depends on this man only. Sounds familiar to me. You have to keep a distance and work at your self esteem so you don't need 1 man to feel good about yourself. Because if that man turns out to be a liar, you lose the self control and self esteem you had and end up feeling terrible.

I'll never get married and never get so emotionally attached to people that your situation can come up for me as well. I've been through the pain once before and I'll never let it happen again by keeping a distance.

The title of this thread " How can I forgive his constant lies? " can be translated as " What can I do to let him get away with lieing to me and still feel comfortable? "
You are trying to change reality and yourself to feel oke with this situation and you shouldn't. The man is a liar and there is nothing you can do to make this work