His Mother.

[sadgrl]

I am new to all of this but I am also getting close to the end of my rope on this issue. I have been with my bf going on 3 years, and it was a rocky start but we now have a home together, and my son likes my bf, it is really good, with the exception of his mother (and sometimes his sister)

His mother goes out of her way to constantly criticizes me, CONSTANTLY! She will come into our home and hang things on the walls, clean, and rearrange the way my kitchen is set up because, as she says "It's just not efficient this way", and although I have been overly kind and trying my best she has done so many mean and hurtful things to me and my son.

When my bf mentioned that he wanted to get married, in front of the whole family, she said, I really wish you would have married your girlfriend from high school.

I have expressed my annoyance with the situations for the past 3 years, and he has always said to me how it is ridiculous and how his mother acts and treats us but has not once said a word although he's promised to do so.

Christmas was hosted this year at our house, and it went as well as it could, everyone had a good time, and I bit my tongue through out the whole day and night while his mom just kept 'em coming. I drank way too much and made it through the night ... everyone said their goodbyes, and then I laid into my boyfriend how he promised to say something when she vocallized how she didn't like dinner, or started cleaning my kitchen, I didn't expect him to fight her, but a polite Mom, sit down please, you are our guest and we can clean up... or a well I think the brisket is great.... Not one word. Meanwhile, his mother left something at our house and they came back for it, she walked into me having a drunken melt down and decided to pipe in with her comments about how dare I talk to her son like that, and then....... I let her have it. I told her that incase she had a problem noticing, she does not live here, she has no right to move my things, or clean my house, or make any remarks whatsoever about how we do things here. It was bad.

She finally left, and I am no longer welcome at any family function, says his family.

I know I shouldn't have said those things, and I shouldn't have had so many cocktails, but is this man that I love ever going to stand up for me and my son?

I feel that my outburst would have never happened if he would have taken care of this years ago.

I am not asking him to write his family off, I understand the importance of family, but he needs to make her aware that the kind of behavior that has been going on is not acceptable here...

Am I wasting my time with this battle that I will never win?

[smackie9]

You need to have a serious talk with your BF. He has to take responsibility to talk to his mother and about her behaviour. The thing is, he is a mommas boy. She had done everything for him all his life. To let some other female take her place makes her feel unwanted and have no purpose in life. She fears of losing her little boy. He needs to explain to her that he has a new life with a woman he's in love with and that her doings in damaging his relationship with you and her. He could suggest changing her duty from mother to grandma. He could say " Mom you don't need to be in the kitchen or cleaning up. You have done your time doing that. Your time would be best spent with the grandchildren, telling them stories and be more of a part of his new family.

[Boisdevie]

He should stand up to his mother. And he should show more respect to you by doing so. There is no way I"d let my mother interfere like that - for ****s sake it's my life not hers.

[sadgrl]

Thanks! Good advice, although she has told me that my son is NOT her grandchild because her son is not his dad.

I don't want to give an ultimatum, but if he can't stand for us, I feel it is time to leave although it would break all of our hearts. I can not get this off my mind, I just need to know if after all this time, does anyone think he is going to talk to her, or and I standing by like a fool believing promises I've heard before, with no avail!

[vashti]

Are you crazy? Let her clean your kitchen!

This is the thing I have noticed about the so-called "mama's boys". They end up hooking up with women who are every bit as controlling as their mothers, and then they step back while the women battle to the death about who is going to wear the pants, while HE couldn't possibly care less.

I think since you aren't married, and even have a son by someone else, you won't win. At least, not in the long run.

And honestly, if this woman is saying anything at all about your boy, i don't understand how you haven't stepped up to protect him yourself. This is YOUR child, and protecting him is YOUR responsibility. And his mother is right: this isn't her grandchild. You and your boyfriend aren't married.

[SelflessnHumble]

I am new to all of this but I am also getting close to the end of my rope

I'm glad you realize it's your rope because it isn't your partner's place nor issue it's yours.

His mother goes out of her way to constantly criticizes me, CONSTANTLY! She will come into our home and hang things on the walls, clean, and rearrange the way my kitchen is set up because, as she says "It's just not efficient this way", and although I have been overly kind and trying my best she has done so many mean and hurtful things to me and my son.

Perhaps where you come from, biting your tongue is common place for the "good" of the family.
This is actually really good advice with one exception: Biting your tongue means:
"I have no place to disapprove of my partner's Mom's behavior toward me."

When my bf mentioned that he wanted to get married, in front of the whole family, she said, I really wish you would have married your girlfriend from high school.

I hate to break it to you...SHE does not like you.

For whatever reason (at this point) is irrelevant because she does not approve nor respect your relationship with her son.
However I see a common denominator here and one that is equally his fault as it is yours...
Both of you seem to feel that (if we keep quiet and don't say anything...it will go away) or get better as time goes by.
It will actually get worse, which is why you feel the pendulum swing and are just about at your wit's end. (Understandable)

I have expressed my annoyance with the situations for the past 3yrs and he has always said how it is ridiculous and how his mother acts and treats us but has not once said he's promised to tell her.

You have to understand this situation.
(The fact you are more understanding than his mother means it is YOU: who must exercise patience) She lacks decency.
I suspect it is because she is a miserable woman, one who is never satisfied and yes, it isn't fair or even right.

Because YOU know what must be said and done it is YOU that must sit down with her and first
ask her why she does not like you (and continue to bite that tongue UNTIL she tells you why)
It could be a surprise. You must be willing to do so. You cannot be at the alter and have her talking through the
ceremony nor have her object to your marriage in front of everyone.

I laid into my boyfriend how he promised to say something when she vocallized how she didn't like dinner, or started cleaning my kitchen, I didn't expect him to fight her, but a polite Mom, sit down please, you are our guest and we can clean up... or a well I think the brisket is great.... Not one word. Meanwhile, his mother left something at our house and they came back for it, she walked into me having a drunken melt down and decided to pipe in with her comments about how dare I talk to her son like that, and then....... I let her have it. I told her that incase she had a problem noticing, she does not live here, she has no right to move my things, or clean my house, or make any remarks whatsoever about how we do things here. It was bad.

I respect the fact you had confronted her: problem is:
Wrong place and the wrong time.
Have you ever taken the time to go down to your partner's mother's house, on your own time?

This is what you must do if you want to make amends with the entire situation and find true closure for good.

She finally left, and I am no longer welcome at any family function, says his family.

I know I shouldn't have said those things, and I shouldn't have had so many cocktails, but is this man that I love ever going to stand up for me and my son?

I feel that my outburst would have never happened if he would have taken care of this years ago.

I am not asking him to write his family off, I understand the importance of family, but he needs to make her aware that the kind of behavior that has been going on is not acceptable here...

Am I wasting my time with this battle that I will never win?

You messed up big time.
Take responsibility for your actions.
The alcohol didn't say those things: YOU DID.

You cannot also B-lame your BF for failing to address this "years" ago to try and absolve your guilt
and what you felt was the right thing to do: confront her...

I know you aren't asking him to write his family off but you just made this situation that much more worse
even though SHE has been the issue, not you!

Anyway you need to go see her alone and humble yourself because due to your
outburst you have inadvertently changed the dynamics and now you have wronged her.

With selflessness and humility you must sit down with her (for tea or coffee)
and softly, and respectfully tell her how you feel...Something like:


(1) "I came here today because I made a huge mistake that I am dreadfully sorry for making...
-I am deeply sorry for talking to in that horrendous manner and for disrespecting you. It was brash,
uncalled for, childish and I realized that even while I was saying it. Please forgive me"

(2) "The bond you have with your son is truly a beautiful thing and I wholly respect that.
-May I ask you why you don't approve of me as your son's choice for a wife?
-I love your son very much and I just would like everyone to be happy and satisfied but

it just eats away at me when you say those comments you have said to me in the past..."

(3) Whatever she tells you: you must be willing to respect it. Not argue over it.
-No matter if she is still belligerent and selfish.

-The point of this is not to confront her, but to have her realize that you aren't going anywhere
and that you two are going to make a family together. IF she cannot deal with then SHE is the one who will
be excluded from your son's/daughter's life and this is of her own doing, not yours.

Stop B-laming your husband.
He is NOT responsible for his mother's treatment of you: SHE IS!
And guess what: You are responsible for her getting to you.
She wants you out of his life Yet he is still by your side.

[Epic]

Reminds me of everybody loves Raymond teheheh . Maybe she doesn't like the fact that you already have a kid that isn't her sons?

[vashti]

Reminds me of everybody loves Raymond teheheh . Maybe she doesn't like the fact that you already have a kid that isn't her sons?

And to be fair, this situation isn't one ANY mother would choose for her child.

[angela85]

Nice advice guys.

[smackie9]

If he doesn't deal with this, then tell him she isn't invited over anymore.

[SelflessnHumble]

Are you crazy? Let her clean your kitchen!

This is the thing I have noticed about the so-called "mama's boys". They end up hooking up with women who are every bit as controlling as their mothers, and then they step back while the women battle to the death about who is going to wear the pants, while HE couldn't possibly care less.

I think since you aren't married, and even have a son by someone else, you won't win. At least, not in the long run.

And honestly, if this woman is saying anything at all about your boy, i don't understand how you haven't stepped up to protect him yourself.
This is YOUR child, and protecting him is YOUR responsibility. And his mother is right: this isn't her grandchild. You and your boyfriend aren't married.

Very solid advice!
I had thought it was their child!
Reading this cleared it up for me and you are right on the money!

[sadgrl]

Thanks for all of the advise. There are many factors that I haven't gotten into, for the sake of time, but in all actuality I do not ever expect him to say anything to his family. I do know that I need to sit with her and explain my feelings and what is going on here. I am very aware that she does not like me, which is probably hard for me to handle since I have never had a mother of a boyfriend who didn't immediately treat me like I was the best thing that has ever happened to their son. I am planning on writing a letter explaining everything that has been going on, my feelings, and my apologies for the drunken meltdown that I had, and you are right, I know that I said those things and it was the wrong place, wrong time. I think that my fear is that even after I present the details of everything that has happened in the past, and my wanting to start this year new and hopefully to move forward she will still continue to be extremely hurtful for the rest of our lives. I am going to do my part, to try and make amends and make this at least tolerable for our family, but I know how miserable a person she is, you are right, she eats pills all day and tells everyone about how miserable she is constantly. Hopefully this works!

[sadgrl]

Reminds me of everybody loves Raymond teheheh . Maybe she doesn't like the fact that you already have a kid that isn't her sons?

Love it, most of my friends have said the same thing any time I have told them a story about her!

[red_sparrow]

oh god, i'm so glad my BF is not a momma's boy.
i don't know how to cook.

[SelflessnHumble]

Writing down how you feel is a great step towards making amends.
But don't just send her a letter and wait for a reply. Face to face meetings are always
ideal because she will respect you standing up for what you feel and even more
for apologizing for what you had done and said...

Miserable people LOVE to destroy lives and they don't care if
their son would be unhappy as a side effect because then she'd be there for her son...

Lastly, old school people (our elder's could be an excellent example) look down on single mothers
with children out of wedlock. You don't have to like that, but to understand it will be good for you.

It does makes sense if she felt this way towards you even though the manner
in which she goes about letting you know: is not right.