Oh My God, Can This Ever Last?

[TheNihilarian]

First off, I am 16.
I know, right? Just a stupid kid who'll think she's in love and then get her heart broken
But, get this.
I seriously think I'm in love.
I know, I know, "You're 16! You're not in love! It's lust, a passing fancy!"
But I seriously don't think it is.
He offered to take my last name, and have my child.
And I want to know everything about him, and even though he's got major baggage, I still want to be only with him. I've always pictured myself as a rational human being, a cynic, and one guy comes and ****s it up in a good way, and I'm resorting to love forums. I need advice. Can we last? Can we grow old together, like we say we will?
He's... he's the most amazing person I know. I need you to help me, someone, please! I can't stop crying and hoping that this will last.
Logically it can't.
But... I feel like, maybe, just maybe, it can.
Does it always feel this way?
Help?
Please?

[Boisdevie]

It always feels like that when you're 16 but chances are it won't last.

[TheNihilarian]

If I was older, would you say the same thing? Is it honestly about age?

[SelflessnHumble]

First off, I am 16.
I know, right? Just a stupid kid who'll think she's in love and then get her heart broken
But, get this.
I seriously think I'm in love. I know, I know, "You're 16! You're not in love! It's lust, a passing fancy!"
But I seriously don't think it is. He offered to take my last name, and have my child.

And I want to know everything about him, and even though he's got major baggage, I still want to be only with him. I've always pictured myself as a rational human being, a cynic, and one guy comes and ****s it up in a good way, and I'm resorting to love forums. I need advice. Can we last? Can we grow old together, like we say we will?
He's... he's the most amazing person I know. I need you to help me, someone, please! I can't stop crying and hoping that this will last. Logically it can't. But... I feel like, maybe, just maybe, it can. Does it always feel this way? Help? Please?

Putting yourself down due to your age makes you look bad.
While age usually correlates with experience, in this case it is safe to say it doesn't....no offense.

I knew everything at 16. Now I know nothing, make sense?

1st off you either know you are in love or you don't. There is no "I think I am?"
2nd, how old is this baggage carrying individual?

You've got character, I can see that...but you don't have insight and this is an area where
this forum is keen on providing.

Get yourself together, composed and stop the emotional outbursts hoping "it will last."
You can't be all that rational when you're crying about a lasting relationship (and you don't even really know this person yet?)
There are so many things you've not yet experienced and while it feels like he's the most amazing person
you've ever met, he certainly won't be the last! Take control of your emotions.

Don't follow your heart: LEAD IT instead!
Since it wasn't mentioned I have to ask?

How long have you known him?
When and how did you meet?
How long have you been together and when did you have sex with this guy? (if at all)
Do you have a mother and father?
What do you love about him?
What has he done or said to you to make you feel like this?

Logic doesn't propel a relationship.
Unconditional love does. This is the most powerful of all the emotions and even then
it has been said to be more than just an emotion.


I'd like you to answer these questions so I can see from
where you're coming from- then I can give you the best advice for your situation (unbiased of course)

[TheNihilarian]

Well, to start off, thanks for caring.
I know I don't know everything, if I did, then I'd know why this is so god damned hard, haha!
Mr.Baggage is, believe it or not, 17. Yep, such an age to be carrying a fleet of cargo planes in baggage.
I've known him for about six months, which sounds like very little, but my parents got married in seven.
I feel like I've known him forever, which is cliche, but true.
Jeez, I don't even remember how we met, we just... did. And then we were friends.
No sex. I'm a dreadfully naive virgin. Oh the sarcasm, it drips. But only about the naivete. I'm too pessimistic to be naive.
I do have parents, both of them, but they're having a hard time as is, and I don't want to bother them about my love life when they've got their own problems. Plus, I'm a rather paranoid, private person.
I love that he stays up at night with me, and reads me children's books when I can't sleep. I love how he's humble, and sweet, and doesn't know how friggin' fantastic he is. I love how he has a reason for everything he says, and he tries to understand my mad ramblings. I love how he's there. I love how he's the kindest guy I know, and would play tag with some kids he doesn't know, even when he could be doing something better. I love how he loves David Bowie, and how he says sweet dreams every night before I go to bed.
He's just... been alive. I feel emotionally conflicted because I'm, atypically, emotionally distant. I've only ever had messy relationships, so, in my mind relationships = pain, thus why I'm freaking out. Because he may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me. And I don't want to screw that up by being a stupid kid.
Because, you know, I am a stupid kid, but I don't want this to be something I screw up.
Because he feels the same, sans insecurities and girlish tears.
You know?

[SelflessnHumble]

Well, to start off, thanks for caring.
I know I don't know everything, if I did, then I'd know why this is so god damned hard, haha!
Mr.Baggage is, believe it or not, 17. Yep, such an age to be carrying a fleet of cargo planes in baggage.
I've known him for about six months, which sounds like very little, but my parents got married in seven.
I feel like I've known him forever, which is cliche, but true.
Jeez, I don't even remember how we met, we just... did. And then we were friends.
No sex. I'm a dreadfully naive virgin. Oh the sarcasm, it drips. But only about the naivete. I'm too pessimistic to be naive.
I do have parents, both of them, but they're having a hard time as is, and I don't want to bother them about my love life when they've got their own problems. Plus, I'm a rather paranoid, private person.
I love that he stays up at night with me, and reads me children's books when I can't sleep. I love how he's humble, and sweet, and doesn't know how friggin' fantastic he is. I love how he has a reason for everything he says, and he tries to understand my mad ramblings. I love how he's there. I love how he's the kindest guy I know, and would play tag with some kids he doesn't know, even when he could be doing something better. I love how he loves David Bowie, and how he says sweet dreams every night before I go to bed.
He's just... been alive. I feel emotionally conflicted because I'm, atypically, emotionally distant. I've only ever had messy relationships, so, in my mind relationships = pain, thus why I'm freaking out. Because he may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me. And I don't want to screw that up by being a stupid kid.
Because, you know, I am a stupid kid, but I don't want this to be something I screw up.
Because he feels the same, sans insecurities and girlish tears.
You know?

One awesome thing you have going for you (that I can see) is how
communicative you are about how you feel...Don't stop doing this even if "the truth hurts"
because integrity and honesty in a woman are RARE commodities!

He does sound like a nice guy and how you write about him he sounds like the perfect guy
even with the baggage...what is this baggage you speak of?

You're young and you happen to be aware (more than I can say of most 20 something yr olds!)

What I can do is write down a list of things which will enable you to have the best experiences you can possibly have, k?


-Unconditional love is: selfless, humble, forgiving, patient, understanding, compassionate, empathic and affirming.
-Never give based on reciprocity, give just because, not to receive in return.
-Never have expectations -they will never be met- on a satisfactory level.
-It is already implied that as a human being you deserve to be treated with:
-Respect, honor, dignity and above else: love.

-Be slow to speak, and slow to anger. (humility)
-A relationship is never 50/50...it's 100% for each person.
-Don't argue, yell or fight. Instead discuss disagreements without injecting irrational emotions.
-Practice open + honest communication...always!

-Don't lie either by passive aggression or omission.
-Curb the ego and always see the perspective of your opponent.
-Be true to yourself and don't settle for anything. Compromise instead.
-Don't burn bridges, curse enemies. Love them just the same.

-Control your emotions, don't let them control you.
-Don't follow your heart: lead it instead!
-Realize that opinions/beliefs are just opinions/beliefs and are just extensions of the person. They are not the person!
-Don't take anything personal!

This is just a little road map for being in a loving relationship.
I hope it helps and I hope everything works out.

I see no reason why you two can't last if you adhere to these words!

Don't forget: The truest measure of a man lies in what he does for someone that can do nothing for him.

[TheNihilarian]

I have been told I'm brutally honest.
More like, I seriously can't lie to save my life, so why try?
His baggage... it's bad. Like, life changing, so glad you got over that, recovered but still not 100%, so glad I didn't know you then, or I would have smacked you baggage.
Thank you, you made me feel so much better about all of this, it's not even funny.
I'd bake you a cake, but all I can give you are cookies.
(Yes, I made a very geeky techie joke.)
Thanks, once again, for your wisdom, and for your advice.

[Boisdevie]

It is nothing to do with age. Most relationships don't work in the long run - it's that simple. And don't forget the physical aspect of things. If it doesn't work between both of you on a physical level (get my meaning) then it won't work. But good luck

[Gratedwasabi]

Is it possible? Yes.
Is it likely? No.
I look back at myself at 16 and I laugh at how naive and shit I was. You change an incredible, INCREDIBLE amount from 16 until 20-21ish. I hate to say it, but at 16 you're still a kid. At 20 you're a young and stupid adult but an adult.

[sweetkissesforu]

[QUOTE=SelflessnHumble;658648]One awesome thing you have going for you (that I can see) is how
communicative you are about how you feel...Don't stop doing this even if "the truth hurts"
because integrity and honesty in a woman are RARE commodities!

Just because u have only met dishonest woman and lacking integrity i thought u made sense until you said that

[caramelbuttons]

Hi there,

You sound oh too familiar to me!!
I fell madly deeply crazily in love when I was 16....jussst the type of love you are talking about... I used to cry when he left my house at night because I was going to miss him. I was in cahoots with him and he was head over heels with me. We lasted 3 years and never fought once (untill the last say 2 months). We never had sex because I was a serious virgin. I was devastated and thought my life was going to end. I am now 23 and can look back on it now with a bit more experience on my shoulders. Yes I was definitely in love...but it really all came down to that 3 year mark...I went to college...he did not...basicaly just general life happened and we got older...we were growing up. It is funny because I dont speak to him at all anymore and he is a completely different person as am I. He got a new girlfriend after me and they lasted 3 years too. I got over it though and have been in love since! What I am trying to say isnt something negative I suppose it is something positive...You should not be worrying about anything that is going to happen in the future...you should just enjoy it...enjoy him..enjoy you with him..it is the best love you will ever experience. that first true love. annnnd what I'm also trying to say is that if it doesnt last...dont be frightened or worried as you will eventually look back at old photographs and smile. The film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" comes to mind. I have to say I am a little bit jealous of you....oh to be 16 and in love!

(I still have "I am going to be 16 forever" scribed in permanent marker on the inside of my wardrobe)

[SelflessnHumble]

If you take offense to what I said...what does that tell us?
The ratios are true. Good women with good intentions are very hard to find.

You may be a good woman but this does not mean you are in the majority....FAR from it.

[TheNihilarian]

Hi there,

You sound oh too familiar to me!!
I fell madly deeply crazily in love when I was 16....jussst the type of love you are talking about... I used to cry when he left my house at night because I was going to miss him. I was in cahoots with him and he was head over heels with me. We lasted 3 years and never fought once (untill the last say 2 months). We never had sex because I was a serious virgin. I was devastated and thought my life was going to end. I am now 23 and can look back on it now with a bit more experience on my shoulders. Yes I was definitely in love...but it really all came down to that 3 year mark...I went to college...he did not...basicaly just general life happened and we got older...we were growing up. It is funny because I dont speak to him at all anymore and he is a completely different person as am I. He got a new girlfriend after me and they lasted 3 years too. I got over it though and have been in love since! What I am trying to say isnt something negative I suppose it is something positive...You should not be worrying about anything that is going to happen in the future...you should just enjoy it...enjoy him..enjoy you with him..it is the best love you will ever experience. that first true love. annnnd what I'm also trying to say is that if it doesnt last...dont be frightened or worried as you will eventually look back at old photographs and smile. The film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" comes to mind. I have to say I am a little bit jealous of you....oh to be 16 and in love!

(I still have "I am going to be 16 forever" scribed in permanent marker on the inside of my wardrobe)

The thing is, I don't act sixteen.
At all.
I know this, due to that fact that I have to spend seven hours a day with them.
I read psychology text books and Hawking to pass the time.
And, quite honestly, I know I'm going to change.
Or, I think so, even though I haven't.
I've always kind of been the person I am now, and my boyfriend just went through his whole 'life changing experience'.
I believe who you are in your head at sixteen, well, that's the person you're always going to be.
I just happen to be the person in my head all the time, because that's just who I am.
So, I don't know if we'll change. There's no where to go but up, with him, and for me?
Well, I just don't know.

[TheNihilarian]

Also, he leaves for the whole week because he has to, and I don't cry, because I'm just... not that type of person.
Sure, I miss him, but I've survived worse things than being alone.
And I know that he feels the same, because as he says 'Well, we're Siamese twins of the heart.'

[Take2]

It could work. My step-brother dated the same girl from age 13, eventually married her and they have been happily married for 20 years now and going strong. Meanwhile, I was a child when I got married at 25 and it was doomed from the start.

I will tell you, I think the steadiness of my step-brother and his wife helped. They didn't run off and get married at 16, or 21. They stayed together and bided their time and grew up together and they went to college and started their lives as grownups and THEN they got engaged and got married. College tests you in ways that being a "kid" at home doesn't, and the real world tests you in ways that being a college "kid" doesn't. Those are the kinds of changes and growing that nobody can really explain to you in a way that will mean anything until you go through them.

So I say believe in it and make it happen. But be prepared for this relationship to change and grow a LOT in the next 10 years. Be prepared to fight for it and work for it, but also be prepared to walk away if you guys don't end up growing in the same ways as you hope you will. If you do, and I hope you do, then be prepared to spend the rest of your life with the love of your life, and enjoy!