Recent Breakup- Right decision?

[Saga]

Hi everyone. My boyfriend of nearly 2 years and I recently broke up. I think it was the right decision but in some ways I still feel kind of guilty and like I miss him (he thought we could work things out). I'll try to keep this as brief as possible:

The main issues were lifestyle differences and what happened this past Tuesday, which I'll explain in a bit. As far as differences- he's a country boy, I'm a suburban girl, so naturally there are things he's used to and I'm not, and vice versa, but I was adjusting to that. Also I'm black and he's white, but ironically race has been the least of our problems. I like to look nice when I go out places, and expect a man to do so as well. Cost of clothes/shoes has NO factor in this btw-- I'm not materialistic. By "nice" I mean stay shaved at least once or twice a week and wear clean clothes without holes in them, at least on his part. But apparently I was asking too much because that's "not who he is."

About Tuesday- Well let me just say I liked his family and they liked me (or so I thought). Except for the following issues I thought they were nice people, and I was always respectful and kind in their house, or trailer or whatever. We were supposed to spend two nights at his parents' house. Well, I have spent the night before, but have always been a little uncomfortable. So I told him I'd "prefer to come back to his place Tuesday night if that was ok." He gets angry and says I'm being difficult, and basically demands a reason so I tell him- I say I'm uncomfortable with people cooking food for me when they don't wash their hands, and also with dogs all over everything we're supposed to sleep on (which is a previously used futon mattress someone was going to throw away.) I really, really was not trying to hurt his feelings- but that's how I felt. This was Monday night. Tuesday morning, I was supposed to follow him to his parents', because I was not going to ask him to leave with me because that wouldn't be fair of me to do. He was still angry, so he left before me saying he'd "print off a map and I could find it ok." Well that pissed me off and I almost didn't go, but I did. I later came to find out he had told his family everything I had said before I got there. Ugh! So they now like hate me I guess and his dear mommy made a checklist of reasons why we should break up and everything.

The lack of privacy had also been a big issue- his mother knows TOO MUCH about me and our relationship and I'm tired of us not being able to talk about things like adults without everything going back to his mom (and sister). He has a dad and brother as well, but he doesn't seem to talk to them as much about these things, which I'd actually be more comfortable with, but that's not the point.

I called him Wednesday morning after I'd gotten to my parents' house and he's like "I think we should take a break from each other." We talk later, and then he thinks we could work it out, but I just don't know. My relationship with his family is destroyed and apparently will be every time I disagree with something they do since he tells them everything, so on that front I've just given up. As far as us directly, I still kind of think we're on two different pages.

I guess my question is was I being "stuck-up" and was it wrong of me to say that, or was he overreacting and being immature by telling the family?

[SelflessnHumble]

I think it was the right decision but in some ways I still feel kind of guilty and like I miss him.

Look, anytime you open up your life to someone else it will "feel" different once he/she is gone. It doesn't mean
though that it has to be difficult. -This is what people say but in reality knowing how to take the proper steps
ensures a clean break which will enable you to feel empowered about this natural process of togetherness/separation...

The first thing I'd like to tell you is that when you unconditionally love someone you accept
then for who they are. You must be willing and able to take the good with what you perceive as the bad...

I'm a suburban girl, so naturally there are things he's used to and I'm not, and vice versa, but I was adjusting to that. Also I'm black and he's white, but ironically race has been the least of our problems. I like to look nice when I go out places, and expect a man to do so as well. Cost of clothes/shoes has NO factor in this btw-- I'm not materialistic. By "nice" I mean stay shaved at least once or twice a week and wear clean clothes without holes in them, at least on his part. But apparently I was asking too much because that's "not who he is."

You needn't mention race because it had no bearing, just an fyi.
2nd, going in you knew you were culturally different. Sometimes awareness can be a tough responsibility to bear.

Hygene: Suffice to say it didn't seem to bother you until you went out.
The last thing on a Country boy's mind is "looking sharp" or perhaps looking presentable.
His family accepted him for who he was, you could have too.

See to me you have standards. To him: you're arguing and trying to change him.
I'm sure you could have told him in better ways but that's over and done with.

You got that right: It's not who he is. And you didn't want to accept it.

Except for the following issues I thought they were nice people, and I was always respectful and kind in their house, or trailer or whatever. We were supposed to spend two nights at his parents' house. Well, I have spent the night before, but have always been a little uncomfortable. So I told him I'd "prefer to come back to his place Tuesday night if that was ok." He gets angry and says I'm being difficult, and basically demands a reason so I tell him- I say I'm uncomfortable with people cooking food for me when they don't wash their hands, and also with dogs all over everything we're supposed to sleep on (which is a previously used futon mattress someone was going to throw away.) I really, really was not trying to hurt his feelings- but that's how I felt. This was Monday night. Tuesday morning, I was supposed to follow him to his parents', because I was not going to ask him to leave with me because that wouldn't be fair of me to do. He was still angry, so he left before me saying he'd "print off a map and I could find it ok." Well that pissed me off and I almost didn't go, but I did. I later came to find out he had told his family everything I had said before I got there. Ugh! So they now like hate me I guess and his dear mommy made a checklist of reasons why we should break up and everything.

Please understand how disingenuous it sounds when you say "except for...."
The fact you mentioned "trailer" sounds demeaning. It's clear you either felt they were beneath you socially or you just didn't like them.
He should not have been angry with you IF that is how you feel (right or wrong)
He lacks the understanding and patience needed in a relationship.
Making demands is toxic in a relationship.

I completely see your point of view about the hygene/cooking aspect.
But at the same time it could be construed as offensive. -However this is how you felt.
He should have addressed this OR you could have told him BEFORE going so he could tell his family.
Why you would want to risk getting sick over contaminated food is serious and for me is common sense.
In retrospect both of you should have sat down and in a calm tone explained to each other why you feel one way
and why he feels another. Letting someone leave angry isn't conducive for a resolution...

You should not have gotten "pissed off." Here's why:
HE already has displayed a lack of responsibility by avoiding key (valid) issues you've mentioned to him.
HE does not address issues, he puts them on the back burner.
HE didn't want to deal with you so a map was his way. Slow your Ego. Getting upset
when you don't know how he was feeling is very premature.

If you didn't know that then: Look:
HE told his "mommy" everything that you had said because HE wanted his mother to side with him. (Ego bruised)
What this did was end your relationship because he hasn't learned that your relationship is between the both of you.
Not between him, you and his mother...

The lack of privacy had also been a big issue- his mother knows TOO MUCH about me and our relationship and I'm tired of us not being able to talk about things like adults without everything going back to his mom (and sister). He has a dad and brother as well, but he doesn't seem to talk to them as much about these things, which I'd actually be more comfortable with, but that's not the point.

What you cannot do is say privacy is an issue but it's cool if his Dad and brother know about it.
What stays in the family stays in the family and gossip destroys relationships...
If every time you had an issue your man went running to his mother then THIS should have been a red flag!!!

I called him Wednesday morning after I'd gotten to my parents' house and he's like "I think we should take a break from each other." We talk later, and then he thinks we could work it out, but I just don't know. My relationship with his family is destroyed and apparently will be every time I disagree with something they do since he tells them everything, so on that front I've just given up. As far as us directly, I still kind of think we're on two different pages.

I guess my question is was I being "stuck-up" and was it wrong of me to say that, or was he overreacting and being immature by telling the family?

First things first.
Everything can be repaired, it's all in how you do it. (knowing it takes time is #1)
Look, it's apparent you don't unconditionally love him and the same can be said about his love for you.
Maybe the both of you have never experienced this but in either case this is always a choice you both make.

If you can look yourself in the mirror and say, "I've done the best that I'm capable of to salvage this
relationship" then you'd be able to walk away without regret. If not, then you have some baggage that needs
checking before you try again with another man. It's unfair to unload this on someone else ya know?

Personally the differences don't mean anything in my evaluation here.
It's in the way you talk about him, and in the way you treat each other. (which isn't very good)

Whatever you choose make sure it is resolute and don't give him any while you are
taking this break. You do have to address the fate of your relationship though, and the best
thing for you to do based on what you have written is to choose what you know is right.

[MerryH]

I guess my question is was I being "stuck-up" and was it wrong of me to say that, or was he overreacting and being immature by telling the family?

Stuck up? Eh, maybe a little. But if you're uncomfortable somewhere, you shouldn't have to spend time there (they do sound kind of gross, to be honest.) If he demanded you give him a reason and you did, he shouldn't have gotten so upset about it. And it should have stayed between the two of you, his reasons for telling his family were purely selfish and damaging to your relationship with them. You can expect more family drama in the future, guaranteed.

We can pick apart your post point by point and analyze every little wrongdoing the both of you committed, but bottom line it sounds like you're not compatible and never will be.

[SelflessnHumble]

We can pick apart your post point by point and analyze every little wrongdoing the both of you committed, but bottom line it sounds like you're not compatible and never will be.

True, but I'm interested in addressing the key issues so that the next time she posts about her new man in her life
the same issues aren't repeated. "You're not compatible" begs the question of "why?"

[Saga]

SelflessnHumble- Thank you for your thorough response! I agree- we have both made mistakes over the course of the relationship, but I wasn't, and still am not, sure what the difference is between a man with a healthy relationship with his mother and a mama's boy. Last year around this time consisted of my calling his mother to apologize about how I had treated her son because, again, we had argued, and I'll admit I may have been more in the wrong that time, but he told his mom and it humiliated me and they were coming down to have lunch that afternoon. I said I didn't want to see them but he said his mom would have more respect for me if I called and apologized to her for what I did rather than ducking out and avoiding them. So I did...and it was awkward because I started crying, and she told me to put him on the phone and that she didn't want to be in the middle of it. I just don't know if I can handle this type of thing anymore and when I bring it up to him he feels like I'm "jealous of the relationship he has with his mom" and that he "refuses to lie to his family."

MerryH- Thank you too. Yeah, I'm sure you could point the finger in both directions but I just don't know about the compatibility. He did treat me well overall and we'd have fun when we were actually together (we live 8 hours apart now that I've gone away to school so we only saw each other like once a month). But we also argued a lot.

[SelflessnHumble]

SelflessnHumble- Thank you for your thorough response! I agree- we have both made mistakes over the course of the relationship, but I wasn't, and still am not, sure what the difference is between a man with a healthy relationship with his mother and a mama's boy. Last year around this time consisted of my calling his mother to apologize about how I had treated her son because, again, we had argued, and I'll admit I may have been more in the wrong that time, but he told his mom and it humiliated me and they were coming down to have lunch that afternoon. I said I didn't want to see them but he said his mom would have more respect for me if I called and apologized to her for what I did rather than ducking out and avoiding them. So I did...and it was awkward because I started crying, and she told me to put him on the phone and that she didn't want to be in the middle of it. I just don't know if I can handle this type of thing anymore and when I bring it up to him he feels like I'm "jealous of the relationship he has with his mom" and that he "refuses to lie to his family."

(we live 8 hours apart now that I've gone away to school so we only saw each other like once a month).
But we also argued

You're quite welcome. I identify with your post and felt compelled to write about it.
Everyone can have opinions about what is a mama's boy and what a healthy relationship is between mother and son.

The difference might surprise you in my eyes...
(1) He can do no wrong in his mother's eyes. This can be due to the bond, or her trying right the wrongs
while he was growing up, I've lived it and I've seen it hundreds of times.
(2) It is a double edge sword a son/daughter telling their mother about what their partner's did to them.
On one hand they are seeking solace and telling them in confidence, but tell that to the mother whose job is to protect
her "baby" even though they are an adult!

In my opinion as a grown man your relationship is YOUR business, not his mother's especially when
HE knows how she will react (she will make the situation about how you are wronging her baby) and in fact
she will become in control of it...it happens all the time! Mother's love drama (don't forget that) of course
it depends on their upbringing...

Your arguments are not her business and the fact he made it hers (knowing how she would intervene) constitutes
a mama's boy to me because she fought his battles when he "couldn't win" whether or not this is the right way
to resolve said argument becomes irrelevant when you get a lashing for having a legitimate complaint...


I don't think it's jealousy so much as it is just plain wrong and nosy of her to put herself in between
your relationship with her son. She's done her job and he's now a grown man. It is time for him to live
his own life and to fight his own battles. You stand up for what you believe in and that is a great thing.
Just make sure when you do you come across natural and inviting, not upset because trust me when I tell you:
Emotions and feelings are what is wrong with people!

Long distance relationships don't work (usually) and even then it comes down to
abnormal and unconventional sacrifice. It sounds to me you don't necessarily need someone more compatible
BUT you should meet someone who respects you the way that you are. See if I didn't dress up, but you did...
I would make the effort to do so if and when we would go "out" not because you won, but because this is what
people do that love each other...Shaving or even grooming the hair shows he wants to look his best for you...
The polar opposite can be viewed as either being lazy OR they just don't care enough about their appearance
(which in turn also says the same about yours -from their action/inaction)

They sacrifice for the other person because they know that the other person would equally sacrifice for them
(but not expecting it) <---------This is bad! Don't have expectations because:

-they won't be met.

I think you deserve better and shouldn't compromise.
In the end everyone should be loved and treated the right way.

[Saga]

In my opinion as a grown man your relationship is YOUR business, not his mother's especially when
HE knows how she will react (she will make the situation about how you are wronging her baby) and in fact
she will become in control of it...it happens all the time! Mother's love drama (don't forget that) of course
it depends on their upbringing...

Your arguments are not her business and the fact he made it hers (knowing how she would intervene) constitutes
a mama's boy to me because she fought his battles when he "couldn't win" whether or not this is the right way
to resolve said argument becomes irrelevant when you get a lashing for having a legitimate complaint...

This is a good point. When I'd talk to MY parents about arguments I'd either be very general or just say something like "oh, we're kind of upset at each other right now." I think that's necessary not only because I'm an adult, but also to keep the peace between family and boyfriend! Obviously the family will grow to highly dislkie the bf/gf if every negative move s(he) makes is made known to them.

Another thing the mom/sis would do is bash my bf's brother's girlfriend in front of my bf and I...so it made me think well goodness, with all they know about us what are they saying to other people behind MY back? They claimed nothing but...this family seems to live for drama.

See if I didn't dress up, but you did...
I would make the effort to do so if and when we would go "out" not because you won, but because this is what
people do that love each other...Shaving or even grooming the hair shows he wants to look his best for you...
The polar opposite can be viewed as either being lazy OR they just don't care enough about their appearance
(which in turn also says the same about yours -from their action/inaction)

They sacrifice for the other person because they know that the other person would equally sacrifice for them
(but not expecting it) <---------This is bad! Don't have expectations because:

-they won't be met.

He would make efforts to look nice when we went out...sometimes. And I'd be sure to tell him how nice he looked and that I appreciated it when he did. But I guess he took it as you ONLY look nice like this. And maybe I should have said even when he was...uh, not looking like that that he looked nice too? I don't know.

The expectations thing I have also been thinking about- and yes, I do agree with you that a person should have standards but not expectations. I guess you can only tell your bf/gf those standards, see if they fit and/or are willing to change to fit them, and go from there.

Now if only I can stop making stupid decisions regarding this doomed relationship, I'll be good to go, lol.

[SelflessnHumble]

Now if only I can stop making stupid decisions regarding this doomed relationship, I'll be good to go, lol.

Would you like the answer?

Does it hurt to be alone?
Does it hurt when he treats you bad and creates a spectacle out of your public TV drama relationship while his mother plays Judge Judy?

It's obvious to me you need alone time for you and only you.
When a person "tries" to be nice -they are lying about who they truly are.
I'd rather be hated for who I am, than to be liked for who I am not.

If it hurts to be alone and it hurts when you fight? NO brainer: find a better man.
Considering his lack of growing up it shouldn't be hard to do.

If it doesn't hurt to be alone then the difference is even more apparent!

Sincere question:
Are you afraid of being alone?
Do you need someone to be with you?

Stop thinking with emotions and look at the obvious: with reasoning...
Does he contribute to your life and make it better?
Does he prop you up, or bring you down?

You cannot say, "well sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't"
There is no part time. Stop making excuses for him so that it makes you think it's harder to get rid of him!

[Saga]

Would you like the answer?

Does it hurt to be alone?

Yes, but mainly because of the time of year and the fact that I'd been very much looking forward to cuddling, movies, and such with him.

Does it hurt when he treats you bad and creates a spectacle out of your public TV drama relationship while his mother plays Judge Judy?

To be fair, we both treated each other badly at different times. But YES I hate that everything was public!

Sincere question:
Are you afraid of being alone?
Do you need someone to be with you?

In the long run, yes I'm a little afraid of being alone. But at the current time I am in school and will receive a Masters degree (hopefully summa cum laude) in May, so I mean I have a lot going for me. I'm sure I'll be able to find a guy who loves me.

I don't NEED someone with me. I am already whole and am able to entertain myself and keep myself happy. I would just like to find the right person to share my life with.

Does he contribute to your life and make it better?
Does he prop you up, or bring you down?

Both I suppose. He'd bring me up and contribute by saying I was beautiful, smart, talented, funny, etc, and treating me nicely when we weren't mad at each other. But whenever we'd argue he'd usually lose his cool. Never got to the point of hitting or anything- I'd have been gone the first time- but he would yell and use passive aggressive attacks and everything while I always kept my cool. Then later he'd always say "I shouldn't treat you like that, you don't deserve it." And I'd smile and forgive him...

Well, thanks for the questions. It helps to write this type of thing out sometimes. Two days ago he wanted to work things out because he didn't want to walk away. Today he informed me that he feels great, doesn't miss me, has sooo many plans for the weekend and is taking a girl out to dinner Thursday. Seems pretty quick to go from one extreme to the other but whatever. It does make this whole thing easier if he's going to act like that.

[SelflessnHumble]

Two days ago he wanted to work things out because he didn't want to walk away. Today he informed me that he feels great, doesn't miss me, has sooo many plans for the weekend and is taking a girl out to dinner Thursday. Seems pretty quick to go from one extreme to the other but whatever. It does make this whole thing easier if he's going to act like that.

Let me spell this out for you:
This kind of man is only as faithful as his options.
2 days ago it was only you so naturally he hadn't any other choice but you.
Today some other sucker wants to go out with him.

Even though it's quite sad you were reactive only because he told you he didn't miss you
she did you a favor. Take it and appreciate it!

Waiting in limbo for a man who doesn't appreciate you is foolish.
If you assess your relationship, and take out the emotionality of it...
Leaving him behind is cake.