He's got trust issues... HELP!

[sadpanda24]

Hello everyone, so this might be a little bit lengthy, but for you to understand I have to explain the story.. I am going to thank you now for taking the time to read this and for any advice that is given!


So here it goes..

My ex and I were best friends all through highschool.. We both got our hearts broken and were there for eachother when it happened.. I always had a crush on him, but because we were best friends I didn't want to ruin it.. And he felt the same way about me too.

About 3 months after both of our breakups, we started seeing eachother. Looking back now, we definitely should of waited it out a little longer.. We jumped into everything fast in our relationship; falling in love, moving in together etc.

We were a normal couple with our ups and downs..and were together for almost 4 years.. but starting in January 2010, was when things started going down hill. I had quit my job (one of the worst mistakes I have ever made, and I do take full responsiblity), and that caused both of us to be under alot of stress because he was the one who had to take over all the bills because I couldn't find another job. And it brought out the worst in both of us. One day in August, we got into a huge fight, that caused us both to say and do things that were uncool and then one thing led to another and he said he wanted me to leave and didn't want anything to do with me.. So I moved back in with my mom.

But because we both love eachother, and we didn't want things to end that way, we kept trying to make things work. So for the past 4 months, we kept seeing eachother, talking, making plans, spending time with eachother. But every so often, we would get into a little fight, mostly about him wanting just a casual thing and for me, that was not easy.. I was completely in love, and devoted to him.. and going from a almost 4 year relationship to just casually seeing eachother was just too difficult for me.. So when we would fight, we would not talk and see eachother etc.

And throughout a 3-4 month time frame of us trying to work things out and then fighting and not speaking, he had pursued three other girls (which indeed, broke my heart).. even if we were not officially together.

But the thing I am actually posting about is for what has happened in the past week... Sunday night, we had an amazing date night and we were getting back to our old ways. The next day, I was invited to go to my friends co-workers Christmas party, at the last minute. I went, and got drunk, played beer pong and all that. The next day, my friend posted a picture of me, drunk, bending down to pick up the beer pong ball right by some guy that was there at the party. My ex ignored me for two days because he had took the picture the wrong way and said that I was being a *hore and hanging/flirting on guys when I was drunk, which led to him accusing me of hooking up with guys there. Which is definitely not true! I would never do that to him, especially when I am trying to work things out with him and that I want to be with him. And the few people I knew at the party, know exactly how I feel about him and would never let anything stupid happen.

So after a few days of him sitting there telling me that he didn't trust anything that I said and that I was lying about everything, I about had it. I had called him up and demanded his explanation of why he does not believe me, and all he could say was that it just seemed shady.. It killed me! For the one person, that I love and care about, did not trust me.. especially after almost 4 years! I did everything I could to prove that I was being truthful, but he wasn't having it.

This guy definitely got trust issues. His past is messed up.. from his mother abandoning him when he was young.. never growing up with the unconditional love.. to his ex girlfriend cheating on him and getting pregnant.. He thinks all girls are going to eventually f*ck him over.. And its wrong. Especially when I'm NOTHING like his ex and don't even plan on doing anything to hurt him.. I don't understand why he can't trust me, when I have NEVER gave him a reason not to! I just need some advice on what I should say, do or anything!

[smackie9]

Relationships will come and go in your life. You learn from them and then you move on. His baggage is not your problem. It's done, walk away.

[eldookae]

I agree, does not seem to be working.. not just because he does not believe you about this party but this past year shows its not right.. maybe later in life you will connect again.

[leoben]

Were people allowed to bring dates to this party? Did you talk to him and tell him you were going beforehand?

[SelflessnHumble]

I always had a crush on him, but because we were best friends I didn't want to ruin it.. And he felt the same way about me too.

Hi sadpanda...The first thing I wanted to point out was that while both of you were dating other
people you admittedly had feelings hidden inside each other for one another.

About 3 months after both of our breakups, we started seeing each other. Looking back now, we definitely should of waited it out a little longer.. We jumped into everything fast in our relationship; falling in love, moving in together etc.

It's great you realized you went too fast in retrospect...but
getting to know how someone reacts in the face of adversity is pretty critical with regard to their character.

I had quit my job (one of the worst mistakes I have ever made, and I do take full responsiblity), and that caused both of us to be under alot of stress because he was the one who had to take over all the bills because I couldn't find another job. And it brought out the worst in both of us. One day in August, we got into a huge fight, that caused us both to say and do things that were uncool and then one thing led to another and he said he wanted me to leave and didn't want anything to do with me.. So I moved back in with my mom.

That's great you took responsibility for your own choices/actions!
Regardless of the situation with the bills both of you have issues with your temper.
While usually this doesn't bode well, one person with a temper can be manageable but two?
Escalation is always right around the corner.

But every so often, we would get into a little fight, mostly about him wanting just a casual thing and for me, that was not easy.. I was completely in love, and devoted to him.. and going from a almost 4 year relationship to just casually seeing eachother was just too difficult for me.. So when we would fight, we would not talk and see eachother etc.

Pay special attention to what he says and what this means...
He did NOT feel the same way about you, that you had felt for him...No.
A casual thing (that he had wanted) means he can basically cheat without feeling bad about it because you two were
"technically" not together. -People like this are disgusting.

And throughout a 3-4 month time frame of us trying to work things out and then fighting and not speaking, he had pursued three other girls (which indeed, broke my heart).. even if we were not officially together.

Well, unfortunately he had been accustomed to hiding his true feelings when both of you were with
different people back in the day...It wasn't a surprise (to me)

But the thing I am actually posting about is for what has happened in the past week... Sunday night, we had an amazing date night and we were getting back to our old ways. The next day, I was invited to go to my friends co-workers Christmas party, at the last minute. I went, and got drunk, played beer pong and all that. The next day, my friend posted a picture of me, drunk, bending down to pick up the beer pong ball right by some guy that was there at the party. My ex ignored me for two days because he had took the picture the wrong way and said that I was being a *hore and hanging/flirting on guys when I was drunk, which led to him accusing me of hooking up with guys there. Which is definitely not true! I would never do that to him, especially when I am trying to work things out with him and that I want to be with him. And the few people I knew at the party, know exactly how I feel about him and would never let anything stupid happen.

So after a few days of him sitting there telling me that he didn't trust anything that I said and that I was lying about everything, I about had it. I had called him up and demanded his explanation of why he does not believe me, and all he could say was that it just seemed shady.. It killed me! For the one person, that I love and care about, did not trust me.. especially after almost 4 years! I did everything I could to prove that I was being truthful, but he wasn't having it.

Why didn't you ask your friend if your ex could go? (just curious)
Your ex has jealousy issues because he is used to being the center of YOUR attention.
It was O.K. for him to put you on the back burner, but GOD forbid you are seen in a picture next to another man!

He called you a whore because this is a reflection of HIS actions...Not yours.
He isn't even a man because you have taken responsibility for your actions while HE has yet to.
Read: HE does not feel for you what you feel for him. Case is closed.

This guy definitely got trust issues. His past is messed up.. from his mother abandoning him when he was young.. never growing up with the unconditional love.. to his ex girlfriend cheating on him and getting pregnant.. He thinks all girls are going to eventually f*ck him over.. And its wrong. Especially when I'm NOTHING like his ex and don't even plan on doing anything to hurt him.. I don't understand why he can't trust me, when I have NEVER gave him a reason not to! I just need some advice on what I should say, do or anything!

I'm glad you brought this up...
(1) When does a person "grow up" and realize that he cannot pin his screw-ups/his behavior on his past?
(2) EVERYONE has a past. Most people have been abused in some way or another, he isn't "special."
and he shouldn't be treated as such.
(3) His perception of girls is a reflection of his own intentions, not yours.

In the end only you can choose what you want, and judging by you making excuses for his behavior
(by posting his past/childhood) you do want him back and still love him...

You are not responsible for his behavior, nor his CHOICE for changing because he does need
to change if he wants a girl as remotely as dedicated and persevering as you!

You might have a temper (which you can easily learn to control) but you're asking too much
of him when he thinks he is right and you are wrong (see selfishness)
He knows you are devoted to him and uses this to his advantage each time, at will.

You need to stop this and find someone who appreciates you for who you are and what you give...
The kind of love and devotion you deserve!

[sadpanda24]

Thank you all for your input... it means alot!


Leoben- At the time, I had no idea if dates were okay.. It was not my place to just invite someone anyways because I was invited at the last minute by my best friend. And no I did not mention anything to him about because I did not know until like 2 hours before we went to the party.

Selflessnhumble- Thank you. Even though some of what you said was a little difficult to read, you said it all perfectly.



Now, my new issue is that he has asked to take me to dinner so that we can talk in person... I'm very skeptical of doing this because he's done it before where he sat there and said he wanted to change.. but then would get back into his own ways.. what do I do? whens enough enough? Its hard for me to just walk away because of how much I do truly love him.. but is it worth it?

[JadenMia]

I just wanted to say.. I think Selflessnhumble got it spot on.
It is exactly what i was thinking when i read all of this, you deserve SO much better girl! From what you have written here, you have given it your all.. Yes okay, you got drunk at a party and got abit of a dirty picture taken with another man.. He has actually pursued 3 other girls...and he is mad about this?? Selfish. Controlling.

That said.. Sadly i am in the same fricken situation. Could have copy and pasted this as my own question.. And i just wanted to say.. I know how hard it is to just get up and leave, when your whole heart is sat there feeding you promises, making you feel guilty for what you have done etc.. Its quite impossible to just forget about them.. Because you fell for him.. But i just wanted to wish you the best of luck on getting out of this relationship and concentrating on yourself instead of putting every bit of energy you have into this relationship.. Its f*cking exhausting.

If you read this question.. from someone else.. What would your answer be to that person?

Best of luck!!

[sadpanda24]

Sad thing is... I have NO idea what I would say to someone else if they were in this situation...

[SelflessnHumble]

Thank you all for your input... it means alot!
Leoben- At the time, I had no idea if dates were okay.. It was not my place to just invite someone anyways because I was invited at the last minute by my best friend. And no I did not mention anything to him about because I did not know until like 2 hours before we went to the party.

First you're very welcome.
2nd, don't start making excuses.
I mean all you had to do was ask the person hosting the party IF you could bring your ex as a date, even if it was short notice
at least it could have been said you made an effort to invite him, right? No big deal but then again I don't see why not had you wanted him to go...

Selflessnhumble- Thank you. Even though some of what you said was a little difficult to read, you said it all perfectly.

I know how you feel, and I also have been in his position, having all of the power and used it to my (selfish and manipulative) advantage.
In the end it got me no where quick style and hurt the people I cared about most.

Now, my new issue is that he has asked to take me to dinner so that we can talk in person... I'm very skeptical of doing this because he's done it before where he sat there and said he wanted to change.. but then would get back into his own ways.. what do I do? whens enough enough? Its hard for me to just walk away because of how much I do truly love him.. but is it worth it?

The thing is: You're sweet, kind but naive and forgiving (he is aware of this) which is why he wants to
woo you over dinner and tell cute little stories about how he's changed and blah, blah blah...

What do you do?
You said you're skeptical. (follow your intuition) k?
He is undeserving of your love and devotion period.

There comes a time when you must grab a pen, and paper.
And write what he DOES for you in a column.
Then write what you do for him.
Does it look lopsided?
There is no 50 50 in a relationship.
There is either 100% from each, or one has to "carry" the others weight...

He knows what an awesome woman you are and wants it all to himself while he
doesn't have to change.

Love: it isn't enough.
You need to be cherished, respected and treated with honor and dignity.
You deserve unconditional love he is unable to provide.

A man realizes his error in action/judgment and seeks to resolve his transgressions by humility and penance for what
he has done to you and against you.

I'm sorry to tell you that he's still a little boy inside and you will be waiting indefinitely for him to manifest a change
deserving of someone like you. Do yourself a favor and stop settling for someone just because you have
had this fairytale of a past which he has all but destroyed due to his own immaturity and selfishness.

Will you break the cycle, or will you perpetuate this drama further?

[sadpanda24]

Do yourself a favor and stop settling for someone just because you have
had this fairytale of a past which he has all but destroyed due to his own immaturity and selfishness.

My past is not a fairytale at all. I have also been through alot of crap too. Mostly in the past 5 years. From my ex boyfriend cheating on me, my parents getting a divorce and not having that relationship with my father anymore, quitting my job and being stressed, my grandmother passing away, and then this. I'm not one of those girls that thinks that love is gonna be some fairytale, thinking some knight in shining armor is gonna save me on a white horse blah blah blah.. No, love is nothing like the books.

I have a huge heart. And it belongs to him. And as much crap as we've gone through together, does not make me love him any less. And from last night, and us actually sitting down talking about everything, I do feel alot better. I took alot of what you guys have suggested and told him. And he's willing to change, for not only me but for himself to make himself a better person. I suggested steps for him to take, and told him that I would be there every step of the way to help, as a friend. And when I see that things are getting better we would consider talking about everything else between us. I told him that I would only be his friend right now because I am looking out for myself. And I know no one is every going to understand why I put up with this and why I want to be with him, and thats fine by me. They can't feel how I feel.

I love getting this input from you because I definitely need a guys perspective on this. I have took everything that has been said to me and have been thinking about them constantly. So thank you!

[SelflessnHumble]

My past is not a fairytale at all. I have also been through alot of crap too. Mostly in the past 5 years. From my ex boyfriend cheating on me, my parents getting a divorce and not having that relationship with my father anymore, quitting my job and being stressed, my grandmother passing away, and then this. I'm not one of those girls that thinks that love is gonna be some fairytale, thinking some knight in shining armor is gonna save me on a white horse blah blah blah.. No, love is nothing like the books.

I have some bad news for you but it's good news too!
Stress is an illusion your mind creates when you don't want to deal with things: so your mind creates an out
and your body takes it. A divorce doesn't have to be stressful. Neither does a break up, nor having a relationship
with someone because guess what? People make choices all the time. Someone MADE a choice that affected you
(divorce) and for whatever reason they chose not to include you in the decision making process. Losing a job isn't stressful.

Of course your perception has everything to do with the way you see things.

I have a huge heart. And it belongs to him. And as much crap as we've gone through together, does not make me love him any less. And from last night, and us actually sitting down talking about everything, I do feel alot better. I took alot of what you guys have suggested and told him. And he's willing to change, for not only me but for himself to make himself a better person. I suggested steps for him to take, and told him that I would be there every step of the way to help, as a friend. And when I see that things are getting better we would consider talking about everything else between us. I told him that I would only be his friend right now because I am looking out for myself. And I know no one is every going to understand why I put up with this and why I want to be with him, and thats fine by me. They can't feel how I feel.

I don't want to be a home wrecker so if this is how you feel and the choice you're willing to make cool...
We'll be here the next time something happens.

Just remember:
Don't reciprocate bad behavior/arguing/yelling/fighting.
Don't have expectations. (it is already implied that as a human being you deserve to be

-loved
-treated with dignity and respect
-given affirmation and affection

I don't want to argue with you but you are very forgiving, loving and it's an awesome thing to see.
People can and do change all the time but do NOT appease bad behavior just because you are set
on being with him forever, k? IF he should change: that will be evident in the way he treats
you, talks to you and loves you.

[sadpanda24]

thank you so much!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Just tell him that you're tired of playing this game, either he's with you or he isn't, and if he isn't, then don't contact you at all for anything. I bet he doesn't last 3 days.

[SelflessnHumble]

You're very welcome!