Do you believe people can change?

[ticojett]

Jaden,
I believe the root of the problem has to do with some insecurities on his part... Usually, when someone bashes the other person whether it be through physical or verbal it's still abuse.. Most men that act this way are very insecure so, they tend to lash out for fear of loss... They feel as though they need to control you in order for them not to loss you.. I have no doubt he also love you to, but you need to address the problem with him upfront... Have a sit down with him and address your concerns... If you really love him, try first going on a few dates with him and see if he has really changed... Don't jump into it right away.. Hope this helps...

[RdHrshyKss]

Jaden,
I believe the root of the problem has to do with some insecurities on his part... Usually, when someone bashes the other person whether it be through physical or verbal it's still abuse.. Most men that act this way are very insecure so, they tend to lash out for fear of loss... They feel as though they need to control you in order for them not to loss you.. I have no doubt he also love you to, but you need to address the problem with him upfront... Have a sit down with him and address your concerns... If you really love him, try first going on a few dates with him and see if he has really changed... Don't jump into it right away.. Hope this helps...

i agree with pretty much everything you said...besides for the whole go "on a few dates with him and see if he has really changed" bit...and maybe even the fact that you think he loves her. i have a big inkling that this guy has no idea what love is...and if he does love something, it's most likely himself.

there is NO WAY she would be able to come to any kind of decision about whether he's changed or not in a few dates. changes like this take tons and tons and tons of time. he will not change as quickly as you might suggest. and looks can be deceiving...he might go on pretending like he's changed to suck her back in, to only go right back to his abusive ways.

i really don't think she should bother with this guy, there is no reason to. cut contact and move on...it's the best scenario for BOTH of you. it's the only way he'll really learn anything, and it's the only way you can be free of all that stress and hurt. find someone who is a bit more content with themselves and knows how to respect others.

[Gratedwasabi]

Just keep in mind, Jaden, all those women you've heard of being abused by their husbands and thought "what is WRONG with them for taking that?!" is you. You're at the beginning stage of that. You think you can fix him, believe he loves you despite his actions clearly being to the contrary, and feel like it's your fault/deserved.

People don't change, they can mature but that takes years.

[shiro]

People will only change if something really good or bad happens. In this situation he won't change!

[JadenMia]

Wow!! I cannot believe how much that story is like mine?

Its exactly what hes done.. We broke up because he was calling me a slut and whore dragging me out of my friends house because i was talking to his friends, laughing and what not.. He was screaming at me in front of everyone of mine and his family friends and i have never felt so embarrassed in my life. I felt like such an idiot. He was actually the one who sent me 30+ text messages on my cell, saying how disgusting i was, how much he hated me, that his older sisters friends were all going to beat me up.. (we are 20 years old, and i am a mother for christ sake).. And that it was over.
I thought he would just apologise in the morning but he didnt even! He stuck to his words and i was devastated.
Eventually i accepted and said a simple.. Okay then. See you around!
He totally canged his tune, started acting like we were together again saying dont be silly.. etc. I started meeting up with a friend from work, started meeting her friends and they were just so positive to be around i felt awesome! That is how i met the other guys, and one of them we got along like a house on fire..He just had so much going for him and i had so much fun.. But yeah, the ex found out and wanted me back again. I gave in and started seeing him again, and he went through my phone and deleted every mans number out of it. Seen my texts from other men and flipped.
He said i was not allowed to talk to those people anymore because they were what was ruining us, so i had to text all those friends and say i couldnt speak to them anymore.. More embarrassment.
He now pretty much blames everything on me.. And also sees it as i cheated on him?? Like, how does he see it that way.. How is this all my fault..
How is it that he thinks like this? No matter how i explain, he doesnt understand how i see it..

I even start to question myself.. Am i really in the wrong.. Am i feeling sorry for myself and just looking for an excuse to cause drama and excitement for myself.. How is it someone can question your own thoughts?
The worst thing is, i was made to leave my daughters father because my dad caught him punchiing me in the face on my birthday because i was 'flirting'. my ex always says, do you wonder why you end up getting treated like this? Its not a coinsidence, its happened to you twice.. You do act like a slut and no man who loves you likes to see it..
Its sad, because i almost believe it.. And because i havent learned from my 1st experience in this..

I just want to be on my own and focus on myself and my daughter, shes actually the only thing in life that i can truly enjoy myself with.
I know i have to work on this horrible issue.. its gone too far now..
Thanks again, i really like to see these answers. Because they are same that everyone except my ex says.. I think it really helps me sort myself out.. So thankyou SO much guys.

[JadenMia]

Just keep in mind, Jaden, all those women you've heard of being abused by their husbands and thought "what is WRONG with them for taking that?!" is you. You're at the beginning stage of that. You think you can fix him, believe he loves you despite his actions clearly being to the contrary, and feel like it's your fault/deserved.

People don't change, they can mature but that takes years.

Wow thats quite scary, i bet i really do look like that dont I? Thats what my best friend has always said about me and my boyfriend.. She just never understood why i put up with it. Ahhh.. I really do need to give my head a shake Its just so hard to think of been without him, or seeing him with other girls. This is going to be horrible.. But for the best i see.

[RdHrshyKss]

if you can't do this for yourself...do it for your daughter. no child deserves to be brought up in that kind of environment. it will negatively affect her outlook on relationships and might even cause her to go down the same road you have. i'm sure you don't want that for her.

typical abusers deflect their guilty feelings and such on their partners...it's their way of coping with their disgusting behavior. if they can convince themselves that you are a slut or a liar or whatnot, then it lessens the guilt they feel for treating you poorly....and they can go on getting whatever sick pleasure or ego boosts they get from treating you like shit without feeling bad about it.

i have to agree with your ex in what he said (minus the fact that you are a slut, that's just him deflecting as abusers like him do...take no notice of that shit). but the fact that this has happened to you twice is not a coincidence. you should definitely figure yourself out before you get into another relationship. most women who get in relationships like these are insecure...abusers feed off of that kind of weakness. i highly suggest you look into seeing a professional to work out your feelings... especially after getting out of a relationship like this one. counselling might help you figure out what about yourself attracts you to these kind of people, and work to change that...for yourself so that you can finally get involved with someone who wants to make you happy (not belittle you and bully you to boost their own self-esteem) and for your daughter so that she can grow up seeing you treated well and know she shouldn't accept anything less when it's her turn to find a partner. good luck.

[JadenMia]

if you can't do this for yourself...do it for your daughter. no child deserves to be brought up in that kind of environment. it will negatively affect her outlook on relationships and might even cause her to go down the same road you have. i'm sure you don't want that for her.

typical abusers deflect their guilty feelings and such on their partners...it's their way of coping with their disgusting behavior. if they can convince themselves that you are a slut or a liar or whatnot, then it lessens the guilt they feel for treating you poorly....and they can go on getting whatever sick pleasure or ego boosts they get from treating you like shit without feeling bad about it.

i have to agree with your ex in what he said (minus the fact that you are a slut, that's just him deflecting as abusers like him do...take no notice of that shit). but the fact that this has happened to you twice is not a coincidence. you should definitely figure yourself out before you get into another relationship. most women who get in relationships like these are insecure...abusers feed off of that kind of weakness. i highly suggest you look into seeing a professional to work out your feelings... especially after getting out of a relationship like this one. counselling might help you figure out what about yourself attracts you to these kind of people, and work to change that...for yourself so that you can finally get involved with someone who wants to make you happy (not belittle you and bully you to boost their own self-esteem) and for your daughter so that she can grow up seeing you treated well and know she shouldn't accept anything less when it's her turn to find a partner. good luck.

Yes you are right. It is *definitely* something i can do for my daughter, if it wasnt for her i probably wouldnt even be questioning this relationship at all, and i would just be living with it most likely.
In a way, i am sad i have to leave.. I desperately want to believe he would be good for me, I know i deserve it. But i also know hes not going to.. There is nothing else he could possibly do to make any of this better.. I understand there has been too much that has gone on between us to ever fix it.
I feel alot better though reading this and realising it is something i have to do for myself and my daughter.. I would never want her to go through this, i want her to believe in herself, not be like me.. I dont think im really worthy of anything.. or high hopes for myself. Its definitely something i have to work on, I would LOVE to be able to get professional help for my issues! I would really love to sit down and let everything off my chest and try understand why i do the things i do. Im just not sure on how to go about getting that help and if it would be expensive or not.
If anyone had an info about that, that would be great?
But again, thanks for the awesome understanding and answers everyone gave.. Just know you have really helped me!! Ahh time to be happy and concentrate on mine and my daughters life.

[damn2010]

Good for you!

You need to be strong for yourself and for your daughter. Finding out who you are and what you want out of a potential future relationship is EXTREMELY important. Especially remember the decisions you make will also impact your daughter's life as well. It's better to be a STRONG, INDEPENDENT single mother than a weak-minded, depressed single mother. As your daughter grows up, she needs to look at YOU for strength and guidance.

Keep this in mind. If you continue relationships with physical and verbally abusive men and CONTINUE staying with them despite the abuse...your daughter will grow up and subconsciously "believe" that the abuse is "normal" behavior. She will end up dating the same type of guys, she'll end up getting abused because she'll "believe" that is what is normal.

You need to break the cycle and get some professional help if necessary as well as learn to stay away from guys who have abusive tendencies. The name-calling is a huge indicator of abusive tendencies.

I have had plenty of relationships, and I'm not a perfect angel, but I have NEVER called a girlfriend a name to their face. Even when they broke up with me or during fights, I have NEVER called them a name.