Possessiveness...

[teel]

The thread title will probably sort of curb the answers - yes, I know possessiveness and clingy behaviour is very irritating, yet I would like to know your oppinion where can one draw the line - obviously in a serious commitment there is a normal, acceptable amount.

To make the issue more personal, I have this girlfriend I am living with now (me 32, her 30 for the record). We are in a very serious relationship, to the point where we would have babies, were it not for some current health issues of hers. The problem is we were raised in a very different environment, she finds it perfectly acceptable to have other male friends with whom she goes out to have a drink, chat, etc and I do not. In fact she doesn't like woman friends at all, because she finds them boring. This also means, of course, that the choice is between me feeling uncomfortable, or her giving up entirely on friends. And she does have a point that her having friends is more important than my insecurity.

I know what you might think at first, but I can assure you I am 100% sure she will never cheat on me, or even flirt with any of the guys, I trust her completely in this matter, and I have very good reasons for that. Yet I am still very uncomfortable with her wanting to hang out with other guys, many of which I am sure would not step back from flirting just because she has a stable relationship.

Because she moved in with me, right now she's practically without friends (in a different town), so it's not a current issue. Yet we had a big fight over this, because she wants to retain her full freedom, but I feel so uncomfortable. What do you think? Am I really that clingy? Is what she wants something absolutely normal, and I am making an issue out of nothing?

[wellami]

Hey teel. Sorry to say this but to me, the answer definitely sounds like yes, you are making an issue out of nothing. Your girlfriend is not only entitled to have friends outside of your relationships, it's actually incredibly healthy that she does so. It's not a good place to be in if you have nothing outside of your relationship. If some of those friends are men, that's just life. Most of my girlfriends have had both male and female friends, and I certainly have female friends. I'm very conscious to make sure I tell new girlfriends this and am very open if I'm meeting one of those friends so that nobody gets the wrong idea. I know it can be easy to misinterpret things. I've even taken girlfriends with me or invited my friends over to the house to reassure them that there is nothing other than friendship.

It sounds like your girlfriend is doing just that. My last girlfriend had very few female friends because she like football (or soccer I guess, since this is an international forum!), wasn't into clothes and makeup, hated shopping and liked Sci Fi films. Most of the women she worked with were the complete opposite so she had very little opportunity to find a friend she could relate to in the women in her life, so the vast majority of her friends were men. I have to admit I've found it more difficult to deal with if these friends have been ex-boyfriends but I think that is a slightly different situation, and still one that ultimately you just have to deal with.

The bottom line is that you don't have the right to tell her who she can and can't be friends with. It sounds like your problem, not hers, especially if it is getting to the point where you are fighting over it. And if you totally trust her both physically and emotionally with these men and she has given you nothing to doubt, then what exactly is the problem?

[teel]

Thanks wellami, don't be sorry for saying it, I needed to hear an outside oppinion, and you gave me that.

I am not entirely sure as to why I feel jealous of her friends. Probably partly because she wants no female friends at all, and she makes no secret of it that guys are usually sexually attracted to her (which I can totally understand, yet I still feel uncomfortable). Or maybe it's just a simple insecurity, that I can't believe that a girl of her type (very sexy, and extremely intelligent) would choose me over other, much more interresting men - of which there were plenty around her, including famous film directors, writers, etc; I'm just a simple IT specialist - but that is again my problem, not hers, she made a big effort to make it very clear to me that it's me she wants, not them (I know she's such a perfect girl, that's why I love her, yet I do such stupid things - why does love have to be so complicated?). We agreed that at least she won't spend the nights out with other men; do you think that is too much to ask too?

[wellami]

Teel, the best answer I can give to that is that she knew all these men before she knew you from the sounds of it. Yet it was you she chose to go out with.That's got to say a lot. I think we all, no matter what we say, feel a little jealousy sometimes. It's natural to compare yourselves to others and sometimes have doubts. But love is much more complicated (as you've said!) then just what job you do or how much money you earn. This girl saw something in you and your character (as a simple IT specialist - hey, so am I!) that she preferred to all those other guys. Relationships are all about a bit of give and take so you've raised the issue, and she apparently takes you and your relationship seriously enough to agree to some boundaries to make you feel comfortable. That to me shows she is willing to work at this. And I've known a few film directors. They've been interesting to talk to and had some good stories to tell. And they've been arrogant as hell (the couple I've known - I'm not trying to generalise here!) I'd spend an evening talking to one but I wouldn't want to date one. Maybe your girlfriend is the same.

For you own good, chill out, try to learn to relax and enjoying being with somebody you find sexy, interesting and intelligent. That's a killer combination. Sounds to me like she is giving you something of an olive branch and you need to grab it with both hands and meet her half way. I'd honestly say she has gone further than she needed to. Perhaps you could throw a party or something with all of your friends and hers invited. If you see them all together it might go some way to making you feel less insecure about it all. You generally find that the picture you paint in your head about these things is much worse than the reality.

Either way, you definitely need to learn to cope with this as insecurity is a big turn off for most people and you'll end up pushing her away.

[teel]

Thanks again wellami, I really appreciate your thoughts Her old friends live at about 250 kilometers from our current home, so it's not easy to throw a party, but yes, I suppose if I got to know them I would feel much better. The least I can do right now is grab her some flowers I guess...

[RockNRoll]

I usually find males better friends than majority of females, without any romantic/etc interest involved. She sounds like a decent woman and she can be "just friends" with men. Would you be more relaxed if she had more female friends, or would you still want her to spend that time with you?

If things are the way you described, it is something that you have to learn to deal with.

Do you see a contradiction here? You (men) want a fantastic girl (looks, personality, intelligence). And it's natural, that such girl gets a lot of attention. But you are not comfortable with that.
__
Job doesn't matter that much, but anyway, I can't see what's wrong with "simple IT specialist" - I would prefer him to a writer or film director.
She wants to have a child from you - that is the biggest proof of her feelings and thoughts about you, you can ever get.

[girl68]

If you're as uncomfortable as you say you are, there is something you can do: get off your ass and join the boys for a drink. You're all up in a huff because you ASSUME all this shit is happening when really nothing is. You fear the unknown- so my advice is make it known and get the hell out of your house. Invite her friends over. Stop being so antisocial!

[VincenzoG91]

When I first met my girlfriend, she had a lot of guy friends. I wasn't thrilled about it, because she is pretty and I know how guys think. Sure enough, as the years went by, her guy friends dropped out of the picture. All of them. She didn't tell me why, but I suspect that some of them were hovering in the friend zone, waiting for us to break up, but gave up after years of waiting. Others may have lost interest as they found their own girl friends or even got married. And in some cases, they may have made moves on her and she ended the friendship.

[ticojett]

Teel, this all depends on how you view the situation... Remember, it should work both ways.. If your willing to except her having guy friends, then she needs to except the fact that you to will be allowed to mingle with female friends... If you completely trust her and she has never givin you a reason to doubt her, then deal with your insecurities, and stop being to clingy.. Sometimes this can be a turn off for women... You can try and hold her in as tight as you want, but if she aint down for this type of relationship she might go behind your back and do it anyways... So be careful... Talk to her about how you feel and try to come up with a solution that works for the both of you.. good Luck....

[VincenzoG91]

I feel like both genders fail to see the whole picture on this issue. Women are perfectly capable of enjoying platonic relationships with men, so they tend to assume that these relationships are strictly innocent. Men often eventually become attracted to their female friends, assuming that the friendship wasn't just a a ruse to get closer to a crush in the first place. Understandably, men are suspicious of the motives of other men in these kinds of friendships.

Also, consider the concept of the "fag hag," a straight woman who likes to befriend gay men. There isn't a reverse term, for a straight guy who likes to befriend lesbians, because most guys aren't going to waste time on a pointless relationship like that. They will either be friends with somebody because of common interests, or fake friends with women in hopes of getting lucky someday.

[girl68]

My response to the above is "SO?".

I don't give a flying rats ass if my guy friend thinks I'm hot and would secretly like to bone me. He ain't gettin a peice of that; never has never will. My finace is well aware that some (maybe none maybe all) our guys friends wouldn't mind hitting this if I was open to the idea, the point here is they ain't never gonna because I know how to say NO if I ever had to.

[VincenzoG91]

Girl68, how would you feel if you knew that some or all of your guy friends weren't really friends? What if they were just faking friendship to get near you, in hopes of getting laid? Wouldn't all that phoniness bother you?

[girl68]

LOL there's a vast difference in guys who ONLY want to befriend me to bone me. And guys who are friends but happen think I'm goodlooking and would have sex with me if the situation presented itself.

I'm friends with the latter.

[VincenzoG91]

As far as you know.

[girl68]

Unlike your gf, my male friends are still around after many many years of not getting anything.