Left my wife... don't want to regret it for the rest of my life.

[Incognito]

Gigabitch beat me to the punch. You're already in this sort of limbo, just waiting for her to "need" you at some point. As it is she will not just up and call you to come back one day, because she is with someone who is providing for her and [presumably] treating her well. I have both advice and criticism for you my friend. First the criticism, just to get it out of the way. You mentioned that you didn't go behind her back and cheat.....that doesn't matter, because you had sex with another woman without formally ending the relationship. Don't try to paint it any other way. And that's it. That didn't sting too much did it? As for the advice, I've got a few things to say. One, if you contact her by email RESPOND to those affirmations of her feelings toward you. Every positive bit counts. Also, and I should have mentioned this first, you need to let her know EXACTLY how you feel. As of right now she probably thinks that you are moving on and is trying to forget you. You can't change her mind, but you can let her know that there is an option there. Set some sort of time period for yourself as to when you will actually start to move on. I'd talk to her first, see if she's happy enough with the new guy to stay and forget about you, and go from there. If she is fine with her current situation make it crystal clear that you won't be bothering her again, and that she is not to bother you (along with granting you the divorce). If she is unsure or wants to give you another chance you have to give her the appropriate time to make a decision about exactly how she feels or how to break it off with the new guy. I'll also add that if she wants to stay with him, but won't grant you the divorce that you can probably get one on the grounds of infidelity since she's in a sexual relationship and it has been over a year since you two had sex.

[Evangiline]

First, I hear your confusion and appeciate that you acknowledge you made a mistake and feel very deep and real pain.

But, my dear, when you said you never cheated on your wife..you are not accurate. This is imporant for to give her a really good husband again, you need to acknowledge that, in fact, you did. You were and are still married. You had an affair with the 20 year old when you were married. Just because you left .. did not change the fact that you were still married. You still are. She is too.

My advice is that you go off NC and give both your wife and yourself the chance to restore your broken marriage. Don't beg..don't pled..be there for her. Develop your friendship again. Go to your faith.. You will regret this for the rest of your life if you don't. You need to work at redeeming yourself and your marriage. Being honest about what happened and not lessening what happened by saying it was not an affair is a good place to start. You are young; you made a mistake. You both did. Now you need to ask for healing and forgiveness. Work on yourself and being honest and make yourself into the best husband you could be for her and any possible children.

BTW what you said about taking your son aside..tell your wife. It shows you have grown and learned from this mistake.

May God be with you and your wife as you seek to start again on the path of marriage that still has you linked together.

Take care and be good to your wife.

[ShellyZ]

It really doesn't sound like you're prepared to be in a marriage. When you're married to someone, you see them at their best and their worst. Everyone has ups and downs in their life, everyone goes through stressful times, everyone needs support from their partner sometimes. You can't leave every time your wife is stressed out. And if she's the type who's always stressed out and it was wearing you down, then you're not right for each other anyway.

You bailed out when things got a little rough and now you miss her. And you've got a million excuses for it. 30 is too young for a midlife crisis. You were just momentarily unhappy and you were getting unexpected female attention, so you made an impulsive decision that ended up hurting your wife. I don't see how you could ever fix that with her, not necessarily because of what you did, but because of how flippantly you did it. Clearly, you didn't think it through first. There is a lot of hurt and regret on both sides, and all because of a whim. You weren't taking your marriage seriously when you did all this, so you need to decide if you're ready to take your marriage seriously now. It's not a game.

[HeartIsAching]

Wow... Krissykriss. Thank you. I feel so much better now. I'm so glad I found this forum. I hope ten more people give an answer just like yours.

And to anyone who might post something like Krissykriss's Haiku masterpiece... Please ask yourself if you've ever made a huge mistake that you wish you could take back. Doesn't have to be in a relationship; something you said to your father before he died, a boyfriend in college that you left and just never called again which crushed him, the drunk kiss with your girlfriend's friend. Anything that you wish you could take back. Then multiply that helpless feeling times a thousand, and you might know how I feel. I'm not a dirt bag. I've never so much as looked at another woman while I was in a relationship with anyone. And up until my wife, I had never hurt anyone's feelings on any level near this.
I am moving on with my life, because A.) I have a fantastic therapist and B.) I have no other choice but to try to put myself back together. But just under the surface, I am so ashamed, guilty, and broken by what I've done. And if you feel like rubbing it in, just because you are on the internet and feel like you can say anything you want without any repercussions, then you aren't any better of a person than a guy who crushed his wife by leaving her.

What is it you're looking for? Sympathy? Advice on how to get her back?

You'll find little sympathy here. Not trying to be mean, just stating facts... you're not going to get much of that here.

Advice on how to get her back? I think you're hosed. There's little constructive I can say on the subject. If it were me, I'd never trust you again. That's just the way it is. As my "mother" used to say: "You made the bed, now lie in it."

[asdfg789]

Folks, the last post by the OP on this thread is more than 1 year ago. I doubt if any advice is relevant if he doesn't update.

[pisces25]

Be interesting to see what the outcome was....

[IndiReloaded]

Old thread and OP hasn't been back....

[bonnie]

When she starts to look older, don't you think he is going to want to be with some young cute girl? And then he will leave her.

Don't assume this guy is just like you.

He sounds like a real catch. It's time to move on and let her be loved by someone who really does love her, who is not willing to dump her on a whim.

[Incognito]

This what happens when people start looking through the forum just to find a topic they want to comment on (cough) HHippo (cough). Pay attention to the post dates and old, irrelevant crap won't make its way to the top of the thread heap.