Do you believe people can change?

[JadenMia]

So, i would like honest opinions and maybe experiences? From your experience with relationships and if you truly think people can change.. And if you dont.. and explanations.


The trouble is my partner has been a bit of a bastard lately, calling me names, getting jealous and angry with me when i dont really think iv been doing wrong at all.. I left him... but now he swears he will change for me, he says this breakup has really made him realise what he was doing wrong.
Im scared to give into him to be honest.. He has been quite heartbroken and hasnt given up on me for 2 months now. I do love him and want to believe him, but everyone else close to me says dont do it.. that he wont change.

So, want to share your experiences? Maybe some advice would be awesome!
Thanks in advance

[Gratedwasabi]

People don't change. Behavior is behavior. People mature and learn but behavior doesn't change. Of COURSE now he says what a bastard he was and probably for a month or two he could learn to be nicer but he'll fall back into his behavior as soon as he's clear of the dangerzone.

Mean people are always mean. Cheaters are always cheaters. Liars are always liars. A mean person can learn to be nice to get his/her way, but they'll always still be a mean person and that behavior will surface. A cheater can learn to stop to avoid getting caught but if they can learn a way to do it without getting caught that behavior will come right back. Liars can learn to tell the truth or lie better.

Behavior is behavior. It's ingrained. It's like trying to switch which hand you favor. Sure, I can use my left hand for a while instead of my right but I'm always going to be aching to go back to my right and eventually I will.

[TheScottj]

Hello,

people can change, but they have to be open minded to change at a early stage. it is harder to change the older you are. But this guy doesn't seem to worth giving a second chance to anyway. It takes years normally for a change in someone to be noticeable and not an act. Or something life changing or a really bad or close experience. Saying he "can" change is not the same as actually changing. Some people honestly can't change, others find it hard and others seem open to it.

My Advice is let him try and change, prove to you that he has before even attempting to give him a second chance.

Regards,
Scott

[JadenMia]

Thanks guys! Yeah i kinda agree with you both a little bit there.. I do agree that people will find it extremely hard to change their ways and behaviour. Although he seems quite desperate to change, i know im risking a hell of a lot getting back with him.

The thing that worries me, is that when I left him, he did seem devastated and it broke my heart to see him like that
But i didnt give in, but the more that time went on, i hung out with friends, some of them being men..He absolutely freaked.. And i think he still thinks that it is me that should be sorry about this whole thing.. I dont think he understands how he acted or makes me feel when he calls me names.. Thats what really scares me, if he really is sorry at all.
Its a damn hard decision to be in.

[Gratedwasabi]

Thanks guys! Yeah i kinda agree with you both a little bit there.. I do agree that people will find it extremely hard to change their ways and behaviour. Although he seems quite desperate to change, i know im risking a hell of a lot getting back with him.

The thing that worries me, is that when I left him, he did seem devastated and it broke my heart to see him like that
But i didnt give in, but the more that time went on, i hung out with friends, some of them being men..He absolutely freaked.. And i think he still thinks that it is me that should be sorry about this whole thing.. I dont think he understands how he acted or makes me feel when he calls me names.. Thats what really scares me, if he really is sorry at all.
Its a damn hard decision to be in.

He's manipulating you with his behavior. He wants you to regret it and think you did something wrong and that you didn't give him a chance. Then you'll get back together, he'll be nice for a bit, then he'll go right back to being mean. Maybe one day he'll find out you went out with a guy friend or two for a drink and smack you around. Words are just the beginning.

[JadenMia]

Yes it did start with words.. lots of times, it would end up with him pinning me down or poking me in the face n stupid things like that.
Hes such a bad person to be around, i dont understand why i have this stupid soft spot for him.. It really annoys me.. I just always want the best for him, and hate to see him upset.. I just feel like a doormat! Argh.

[damn2010]

Sounds like he's going down a path of physical abuse. Starting with words, and then pinning you down? It sound like an extremely bad path,step-by-step.

Stay away...he's on the verge of physical abuse.

[Gratedwasabi]

Sounds like he's going down a path of physical abuse. Starting with words, and then pinning you down? It sound like an extremely bad path,step-by-step.

Stay away...he's on the verge of physical abuse.

Technically he's already there, just starting off easy. Stay away, Jaden.

[JadenMia]

I do agree totally, i think he is that kind of person.. he has done lots of things to me, in public and at home. I just think I need to get away.. Thanks, it means alot.

[girl68]

People can change, though many do not. He won't change. My reason to believe this is he's promised this before and never same through. He makes no legit attempt to change his ways and isn't helping himself at all. Abusers don't change. You've been gone for 2 months make it 6. Then 1 year then 2 etc.

[JadenMia]

Yes, he hasnt really made a change to his behaviour. But when i confront him, and ask why he hasnt changed for me, he says its because we are not together and im still going out with friends and other men and such. Which is not entirely true, i go out with my girlfriends usually and there has been odd times i have hung out with a guy friend. My ex found out he said i was stupid for thinking any men were actually my friend because all they wanted to do is get me into bed...
I kind of wish i hadnt hung out with anyone so he didnt have a excuse to act out. But when we are together he is so loving, and acts so caring, i do believe he loves me and iv never seen him cry except for when i said i couldnt be with him..

I just wish he wouldnt act like he does when something doesnt go his way. Its horrible to see him upset and not understand what im saying and why im saying it.
I understand where he is coming from when he gets upset with me, but he doesnt understand that i left him because he pushed me so far away that i couldnt stand it anymore. Ugh..
He honestly is like my horrible addiction. And im angry i let myself get to this point with him.

[girl68]

Typical responses from a woman in an abusive relationship. "It's my fault, I wish I could fix him, he really does love me, he's so loving" blah blah blah. That ain't love kiddo. That's manipulation and abuse not love. Love feels good, love don't hurt like you hurt.

[eonbar]

of course people can change. i used to only call my parents once a month, but when why my aunti died i started calling them every few days. its been like that for years now. translate this onto a relationship, and something like the loss of a GF is enough to change ones behaviour?

i think in general people can, but whether your's can is dependant on him / you and your thoughts.

[shiro]

People don't change. Behavior is behavior. People mature and learn but behavior doesn't change. Of COURSE now he says what a bastard he was and probably for a month or two he could learn to be nicer but he'll fall back into his behavior as soon as he's clear of the dangerzone.

Mean people are always mean. Cheaters are always cheaters. Liars are always liars. A mean person can learn to be nice to get his/her way, but they'll always still be a mean person and that behavior will surface. A cheater can learn to stop to avoid getting caught but if they can learn a way to do it without getting caught that behavior will come right back. Liars can learn to tell the truth or lie better.

Behavior is behavior. It's ingrained. It's like trying to switch which hand you favor. Sure, I can use my left hand for a while instead of my right but I'm always going to be aching to go back to my right and eventually I will.

I think that there is a chance that he could change but it is small. Changing yourself is something that you have to watch out with because it isn't something that can happen quickly. I think you should give him a chance but also make it clear that this will be his last one. My poetic advice would be: believe in your heart what to do.

[RdHrshyKss]

people can change, but they usually won't change under these kind of circumstances. he'll only change if you leave him and for good. he's telling you what you want to hear. he probably doesn't even fully acknowledge what it is that he's done to have made you leave in the first place...he's just connecting the dots and thinks that in order to get you back, he needs to convince you that he'll change. and yes, he might change for a little while, but he'll eventually go back to his old ways because his reasons for changing have already got him what he wanted (you back). once he gets back into that comfortable zone he'll go back to doing his same old shit.

the same thing happened to me. i started dating my bf in college and we dated for 2 years until it got to the point where i just couldn't take his shit anymore. he was immature, obnoxious sometimes and could be downright mean and hurtful to me without showing much sympathy at all. i finally decided to leave him. and i pretty much cut contact with him. he was pretty desperate too...i guess he never thought i'd actually leave. i ended up hanging out with some other guy, didn't really turn into anything though, but the ex found out. suddenly he wanted to be back in my life, he realized what he had done, he loved me and wanted to be with me, was sorry for everything and promised to be different. it took a good 6 months before i officially took him back, but i did. he was amazing for awhile...i really thought he found the error in his ways (and i have to acknowledge that certain parts of him DID change). but another 2 years later and we're back to the same kind of hurtful crap...not as bad as before, but it's still there. and what's really messed up is that he even goes so far as to try to make me feel guilty for breaking up with him like i did and hanging out with someone else. he considers it to have been cheating in a way. just shows you have self-centered he is...everything revolves around him and everything i do is directly linked to him somehow (and he always turns it into a negative). so his lasting memory of the breakup? not that he was a complete asshole to me for 2 years and i got fed up, but that i went and hung out with some other guy.

i think the only way people change is through constant trial and error, and being self-aware. it doesn't sound like your ex is very self-aware at all...most likely because he doesn't have to be with you. he gets away with everything, so why should he put the energy into concentrating on himself and his behavior and what he could do to make things better? you'll still be there according to him, so it's not necessary.

most people are very stubborn in their ways. and someone like your ex probably won't even begin to comprehend the error in his ways until he's left by several gf's. sometimes people never learn...but there is no reason for you to have to sit around and wait to see. go find someone who will treat you better...there are plenty of guys out there.

i'm planning on leaving my bf once our lease is up...but this is something we have both decided to do, it's a mutual thing. yes, i'm going to miss the comfort of being in a relationship...and yes, i'm going to miss all the great times i've had with my bf. but i know there are better guys out there for me. heck, being on this forum has confirmed that for me. stay strong and don't give in. i know how tempting it might be, but speaking from my own experience the only way your ex will ever change is if you keep this breakup permanent. if you take him back, he will never learn.