Hurtful Words

[Argile]

Apologies for length, but here goes...

Today I had planned to drive to my sweeties house after I got back from my parents house. The distance from my house to her house is 50 miles, while the distance from my house to my parents house is 300 miles. (ditto for my parents to her house). I really love this girl and often drive to see her more than twice a week, let's call her "Sue".

Today did not turn out as planned. First I left her an e-mail telling her that my weekend down south (at parents) would take a bit longer than I expected, as my Mom had a family event planned for 1:00. However, after that event, my parents needed some computer troubleshooting help (my specialty). three hours later, I realize that due to various complications, I am going to have an unbeleivably hard time fixing it. I told my Mom that Sue was waiting, and so she reminded me I oughta give her a call , it is now 6:00.

I call Sue, and explain what happened. She is dissapointed but understanding.


She tells me I sound really frustrated, and I tell her what I've been doing for the last three hours. I apologize profusely for not being able to make it when I wanted to. I tell her I will try to finish things up right away. Sue tells me she misses me, I tell her I'll call her when I'm able to leave.

At 9:00 I give up, I tell my parents that there is a seriously damaged sector on their hard drive, and to try to work around it would take another hour and a half of time I don't have.

I call Sue from the road at the gas station while my brother pumps gas. I explain the situation, and tell her that it will take 2 hours to get to my car, and a further hour to reach my home and a further half hour to reach her. All told that tallies me up to around 12:30 if traffic is good. She is further dissapointed. I tell her how sorry I am, and that I'm still willing to drive out so long as it's not too late for her. She tells me no, that it's too late, and she has college in the morning, and I should just see her the next day or the day after. She sniffles a bit quietly.. I apologize. I tell her I'll call her when I get home so she knows I'm home safe. She says I can if I want, and says she thinks she should go, I tell her ok, and she hangs up.

Now the fun part:
An hour into the drive she calls back, Yelling into the phone, telling me she just wanted me to know that she isn't OK with "this", that she'd been crying for the last hour, and that she's extremely angry with me.

I ask her calmly what "this" is.

She tells me she feels she was blown off for my family. She tells me that she doesn't care at all whether I make it home safely or not anymore. And that she doesn't care that my brother is hearing all this.

I tell her I didn't mean to make her feel she's been blown off.

She hangs up.

Frustrated and hurt by her words, I wrote her an e-mail in which I tell her that I feel that what she said was intended to provoke a reaction out of me. I say this because over the last three weeks, every time I'm going to go out with friends on mondays, she has a fit, and it's only resolved by me driving the 50 miles to her house and discussing it with her / bringing her a gift. I told her that what she said tonight hurt me, and that it damaged my trust in her treatment of my feelings. I told her roughly that I felt she owed me an apology and that even if we made amends it would be a while before I could fully openly trust her again.

I'm wondering if I did the right thing? Sue said she wanted to break up with me last monday, and then changed her mind once she saw how it broke my heart..... However her reaction was one of happiness. I feel like she only threatenned breaking up to elicit that reaction from me to somehow boulster her faith in my feelings for her.

What do I do? How do I act the most healthy in these circumstances? I know I can't change her or force her to act a certain way, but how should -I- act??

If you need further info, let me know.

[Illusional]

there are many different ways that you can go about this but i for one feel you. i agree with your actions because although you did make plans with her, you did your best to justify your mistake. she appeared understanding yet on the inside she was only lying to herself and wasn't truthful with you. by keeping it inside, it only built up and she should have talked about this problem when it was small. but enough about the past, i feel that she is trying to pull you into her life and have you all to herself. she doesn't seem to care that you make the 50 mile drive to make things better and resolve your problems. does she come out to see you and bring you gifts?? relationships should work in both ways and if you feel that you're putting in all the effort let the break up happen because you can always find better. raverboy

[DuckyWucky]

It sounds like she's walking all over you man. You seem like a nice guy, so you're not letting it, or trying to not let it get to you. You don't want it to because you fear losing her. Let's review.

She tells me she feels she was blown off for my family. She tells me that she doesn't care at all whether I make it home safely or not anymore.

What the hell is this?! She just blantley said she doesn't care about you right here. She doesn't care if you make it home safe or not? Might as well say if you get into a wreck and god forbid die, it wouldn't bother me. Harsh but true. Next.

I tell her I didn't mean to make her feel she's been blown off. She hangs up.

Right here she hung up because she knows that being the kind of person you are, you'll make the effort to try and get ahold of her again, even though she's the one who's wrong here. She over reacted when you were helping your parents. I could see if it was the fellas you were with but come on. Then you go on with this.

Frustrated and hurt by her words, I wrote her an e-mail in which I tell her that I feel that what she said was intended to provoke a reaction out of me.

This was pretty good. You put her on the defensive with this, and pointed out that what she did was a little out of hand. You basically said what the hell was wrong with you last night? In a nice guy way of course. The following was something I think factors into everything...

Sue said she wanted to break up with me last monday, and then changed her mind once she saw how it broke my heart..... However her reaction was one of happiness.

By showing her how much it bothered you and hurt you with her saying that, she realized how badly you want to be with her, making her the one who has the power here. That power is what's making her think it's ok to over react about these things, because she knows that you'd do anything to keep her happy, even though she sees past the long drive you were about to endure.

I'd say stop putting up with this stuff as much as you do. If everytime something like this happens, you just follow her yelling/pissed off gestures with a sorry, more situations like the above will be in your future.

Next time she acts like that about something, bring it to her attention. Ask her what her problem is, especially if you feel it's over something not worth fighting about. A relationship entails of respect and understanding, which didn't seem to be the case with this situation.

[Argile]

Ok, so her response to my e-mail was in two parts.
The first apologized for her actions last night, labelling them as "rude" and "cruel". The second was a detailed list of the feelings that led to her over-reaction.

I'm not sure how to react to this. The second half of the e-mail strikes me as partially an attempt to excuse her actions, partially an attempt to reconcile us. I replied with a reiterated apology for calling her as late in the day as I had, and thus giving her time to worry.. I then reiterated that irregardless of how worried and hurt she may have been over not being able to see me, she had no right to treat me that way. I also told her that if she did this again she could not expect me to be found begging for forgiveness.

Do you think I'm being too hard on her? Do you think I'm being too easy on her?

[DuckyWucky]

I think you went about it good. She apologized, and you apologized (even though I think she's the one who had more need to do so than you). Just drop it now, and see what happens from this point forward.

[Argile]

OK, update, I talked to her via e-mail and chat, and got so frustrated that I turned off my cell and went out with some friends..

When I got home there were five messages on my answering machine. I called her, and after we were up till 4:00 in the morning talking about things, I decided to go over and see her because we were getting nowhere. We embraced and held eachother most of the night.. Sue had been cutting herself =(. We ended up falling asleep together, and I got to work late thismorning.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for advise on, I'm just in a..
kinda mood.

Any replies would be appreciated.

[islandgirl]

Cutting??!!

[Argile]

Yeah, Sue suffers from depression. One of the things she has done in the past to deal with the intense feelings of self loathing, is to cut her arms with rasor blades, to try to bring herself back to reality, and as a catharsis for those feelings. She hasn't done this since she was with her ex. I really hope she doesn't ever feel driven to do that again.

[islandgirl]

Didn't you just say in your previous post that she was cutting herself the other night? Doesn't that make it a present problem? Is she seeing a shrink or taking some kind of medication for her depression?

[Argile]

She is both in counselling and on medication, and up till last night she has not had this problem within our relationship. She feels utterly horrid about it. It terrifies her to see what she will do when she has a panic attack. She doesn't keep sharp things around anymore to keep her from thinking of that.. She has a pair of very dull scisors, and.. well.. A girl's gotta have a way to keep her legs sexy right?.. I felt so bad. I want to believe that she did not do this to hurt me, or to cry for attention. I want to believe that she did it because she was hurting, as she's told me.

[jane]

I am so sorry your girl as such depression. It's not easy to deal with. My sister does the same or at least she used to. I think she has been better but she is on the east coast so...

At first I was like what a bitch for treating you this way but after readin through all of the post I understand a little more. Obviouslyl something tramatic happended in her life. I dont' think she did this to hurt you.. the idea is to hurt her.

For example, mys sister thought that she was being left out of everything. (she is my step-sister). SHe felt like no one cared about her. Whne things didn't go her way, she would cut herself because she thought the if she hurt herself she can feel the pain and learn to "feel". Does that make sense? She thought it wsa because "we" didn't want to be with her and we didn't care about how she felt about it.
I can't speak for your girl, I only hope this helps you decipher what she is goiing though...