Fiance called off the engagement

[maizenblue]

Hi everyone,

My fiance of over a year called off the engagement last night. The break up was based on feelings she was having. When she told me, she was just as devastated as I was. It seemed like my whole world has just come crashing down. We aren't on bad terms, still celebrating Christmas together with her family, and still maintain contact (although I want to not talk for awhile, it seems contact is helping me with this tough time). I love her more than anything, which she knows. The problem is the fact she just seems constantly aggravated with me, which she said is not fair to me. While I believe our love and good times always made up for our tiffs and rough patches, she doesn't seem to.

The problem began couple months ago. We both work during the day and come home exhausted. We are usually tight for money that cereal, leftovers, waffles are usually for dinner haha. Money is a big issue for her, but I've always believed having enough to get by is no reason to be upset. Recently though, we haven't had much financial issue. I'm not the cleanest or the most organized person...which she is. It just seems like one day she got onto me about EVERYTHING that was the smallest bit out of place. It's like she wasn't the same person. I cleaned up and tried to make it a habit of keeping things clean for her so she doesn't get stressed out. But as silly as it may seem, changing a lifelong habit of not being the cleanest person was hard to do right away (I'm not a slob, I've always just left something a cleaned up later). That was a driving force for her I believe.

Anyway, I left last night. I'm staying at a friends house temporarily and she's back at our place until we figure out what we want to do. We've just have so much history and have been around each other so much that it seems weird that this might be it. She's been my only real family for the longest time. Sorry this so long. Any advice or words of encouragement would be so much appreciated.

[damn2010]

It sounds like all the little things have built up. This happens with women and they keep things bottled up until they just throw it all out as a reason to get you out of their life.

Now that you are engaged and on the verge of marriage and spending your lives together, those minor irritations are now being viewed a big annoyance. She's thinking, "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone like this...?" She's freaking out.

Take some time and clear your head and allow her to as well. Then you two need to reconvene and talk through EVERY issue one-by-one. From your tidiness, to financial issues, etc. and don't be afraid to address any problems you have with her either! Honestly, "just getting by" with cereal dinners and table scraps is NO place a woman wants to be...trust me. She doesn't want to have Corn Flakes by romantic candlelight. There's a big difference between "living comfortably within your means" and "just getting by"...and she sees being with you and "just getting by" is one invested risk she doesn't want to take and frankly, I don't blame her.

Bottomline, you have to address the issues head-on and then plan out your next move from there. Perhaps you need to pursue a better job that can pay more as well as attend to your cleanliness.

[smackie9]

I tell you this, you need way more than love to have a marriage that works. It ain't pretty at times, and it's a lot of work. I suggest you both go to premarital counseling to get those expectations laid out on the table and see if you are ready for marriage or not.

[maizenblue]

I agree with you completely. When she went on her warpath about the cleanliness I knew it must've been egging her for awhile. I just never thought it would be a driving factor for ending our engagement or any for that matter. I want to improve on just remembering to do the little things, because it'll either be beneficial for us or for any future with someone else.

About finances. She's never complained or brought up that being a reason for our problems. I want to give her more and it breaks my heart I can't. I work as a mechanic at Lockheed cleaning and repairing aircraft fuel tanks. For the past year and a half I've been in an aircraft maintenance program so I can be a certified aircraft mechanic. I know, and she knows, when I am certified this will open better job opportunities for me. I just keep telling her to be patient and we'll get out of this bind.

Thinking about it, I just never saw this coming so I don't believe I gave it my whole effort which was wrong because I took advantage of her. It makes me more sad to know I put her in that position to come to a difficult decision. Now I know what consequences come of it, I'd be more than willing to put my all in those little things. Just a matter if she'll accept it or if it's too late.

[Boisdevie]

Just on the money issue - if she really loves you and if she knows that you are doing the best that you can then it should not be an issue. If it is an issue then she has problems. Communication my friend is the key. And good luck.

[Take2]

I say run and don't look back. Not because of the issues, they are all minor and could be worked out if there were two dedicated people in the relationship. No, run because her response to issues that need to be addressed for you to continue to grow your relationship is to LEAVE YOU. And you, being reasonable, think that if you can just work through these issues, your love can grow and survive. And you are right, and if you work to convince her, then things will probably be OK this time. But you are now knowingly planning to spend your life with a woman whose response to new issues, which will arise eventually, is to leave you. I spent 13 years of my life with such a man, and I spent too much of it convincing him to work on our relationship rather than leaving. And the last time, I just didn't fight it, because every relationship actually needs 2 people who are in it 100% and not 1 person plus another who can be dragged back with enough effort.

Now, if you can convince her to go to counseling with you and work out your issues together and she will commit to changing this pattern, awesome! I wish ou many happy years. But if this isn't addressed, I have livd your future and it would be easier to just walk away. Really.

[Boisdevie]

Better to split up than get married.

[maizenblue]

I say run and don't look back. Not because of the issues, they are all minor and could be worked out if there were two dedicated people in the relationship. No, run because her response to issues that need to be addressed for you to continue to grow your relationship is to LEAVE YOU. And you, being reasonable, think that if you can just work through these issues, your love can grow and survive. And you are right, and if you work to convince her, then things will probably be OK this time. But you are now knowingly planning to spend your life with a woman whose response to new issues, which will arise eventually, is to leave you. I spent 13 years of my life with such a man, and I spent too much of it convincing him to work on our relationship rather than leaving. And the last time, I just didn't fight it, because every relationship actually needs 2 people who are in it 100% and not 1 person plus another who can be dragged back with enough effort.

Now, if you can convince her to go to counseling with you and work out your issues together and she will commit to changing this pattern, awesome! I wish ou many happy years. But if this isn't addressed, I have livd your future and it would be easier to just walk away. Really.

The response was based off months of me reverting back to my messy ways. It's the way she addressed the problem initially and the way she's been acting lately that I realize this isn't her. At least not the same person I fell in love with...which I don't believe is gone.

Counseling or even just having a 3rd person between us I think would help. Again it's just a matter of convincing her.

[BeingAlpha]

Hey man -- you are just rationalizing what went down. I myself have been doing a lot of that recently and well it isn't healthy. The best thing to do right now is for both of you to cool off -- get your heads straight and then work on your relationship. You both need to be open and honest about what is going on. If it is the fact that she doesn't have strong feelings anymore or whatever it is - she needs to feel comfortable to express exactly what she feels. Without penalty, without any rebuttal or comments back from you. Then you both need to evaluate if those feelings will ever change or those issues can really be worked out. As one of the other posters already put out there it may work out but it may be a lost cause.

I put it to myself like this -- do I really want to spend the rest of my life feeling the way I do now? Do I really want a life filled with the stresses and is the payoff of her love worth it? Or is there someone else who can love me just as much if not more BUT differently. Sometimes LOVE just isn't enough.

BTW -- relationships and marriage are hard enough -- money issues would only add stress. I am not going to sugar coat this next statement -- for many women, having someone that can be a good provider is extremely important not just for her but for any future children. This simply goes back to the days of hunters and gatherers -- those who were good at the hunt were sought after by the women...I know that the economy is tough and I myself grew up really poor -- to the point where at one time my family couldn't even afford a car...we immigrated to this country and I learned very quickly the value of a dollar. Walking 3 miles to the grocery store in the dead of winter and then walking back with my mom is a very unique experience. I respect you 10000% percent for getting up every day busting your butt and doing the best that you can and trying to improve yourself.

[maizenblue]

Thank you for your comment Alpha.

It seems the majority of the replies are about our financial situation. Either I was blind not to see how money was affecting us or it in the long term wasn't. I can see how it would though. I wish she would've tell me if it is but maybe she feels that would just insult me because she knows I'm doing the best I can.

The past 2 days we've talked on the phone a couple times but never bring up the break up. The only thing she does in relation to it is just tell me not to hate her (which I could NEVER do) and that she loves me. I have a doctors appointment next week and she asked to come to be with me. BTW, I've been having problems with my kidneys and this appointment will determine whether I need surgery to remove one or not. We've known about the problem for months now and the idea of surgery weighs on both of us...possibly causing more stress.

I left home Friday night and don't plan on seeing her until Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. I've made no attempt to make her feel guilty or even break down and call her to change her mind. I believe the only thing I can do right now is give her space and time to think.

[Gratedwasabi]

Okay, a few things.

Look, you shouldn't be getting engaged or planning a wedding (and once you're engaged the woman is planning, period) when you're not in a solid financial situation. I guarantee you that's a huge part of the problem. Right now it's all shoulds and probably and maybes as far as being secure financially... that's not enough for a woman to feel comfortable enough to marry you.

The cleaning? Well, that should be an easy enough fix. Make cleaning lists that you both agree on, put them on the fridge, and do them. Each get daily things, weekly things, monthly things.. make it a game choosing and follow it. Problem solved. If you can't handle that.. well.. enjoy the bachelor life forever!

My advice is to tell her you think ending the engagement is the right thing but you want to continue on with the relationship and you WILL prove to her that you will be making more money and can fix your sloppiness. If she won't agree to that, then she's just being irrational and you're ****ed. She won't marry you as is, so drop marriage off the table (for now) and really get your head down and make the stuff you need to happen happen.

[BeingAlpha]

Thank you for your comment Alpha.

It seems the majority of the replies are about our financial situation. Either I was blind not to see how money was affecting us or it in the long term wasn't. I can see how it would though. I wish she would've tell me if it is but maybe she feels that would just insult me because she knows I'm doing the best I can.

The past 2 days we've talked on the phone a couple times but never bring up the break up. The only thing she does in relation to it is just tell me not to hate her (which I could NEVER do) and that she loves me. I have a doctors appointment next week and she asked to come to be with me. BTW, I've been having problems with my kidneys and this appointment will determine whether I need surgery to remove one or not. We've known about the problem for months now and the idea of surgery weighs on both of us...possibly causing more stress.

I left home Friday night and don't plan on seeing her until Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. I've made no attempt to make her feel guilty or even break down and call her to change her mind. I believe the only thing I can do right now is give her space and time to think.

Hey man, just hang in there -- I know that we say that love is blind and it conquers all BUT the fact of the matter is NO ONE wants to live in the threat of constantly feeling like they are going to be a) on the street or b) not have food to eat. If she was leaving you for the fact that you can't buy her a new BMW -- thats a selfish person...and well you don't want to be with her anyway. If she is just soooo stressed out that you guys have problems making ends meet then to be honest I get it. Life isn't like the movies: sometimes things don't work out. Life isn't fair..but my view on it when I was growing up is that the only thing that separated me (the poor kid who never had the nicest clothes or newest of anything) and those kids that did was hard work, perseverance, a little luck and an attitude that I wanted to get out of poverty. I pulled it off -- got my college degree and then followed it up with an MBA...it happens. I don't really know you but from what you tell me you have all the qualities that you need to get where you want to be....keep your head HIGH. No one respects the person who was handed everything...and NEVER be ashamed of where you come from...I didn't really learn that until recently...even some of my closest friends (who did in fact come from money) had no idea I grew up poor...but I am proud of who I am.

That being said I don't believe money solves all your problems or that having money is necessary to be happy. Interestingly enough I find that I don't really live ALL that differently then when I was really poor. I have a lot of nice clothes, very few fancy toys (camera, computer, tv), and still think twice before I take out the credit card...but I live with the feeling that I could do whatever it is I wanted to; I just don't.

You will be okay ... and maybe someday things will work out -- but please don't wait for that day. Focus on you -- getting yourself to a point where you are comfortable with everything that you are (financially, emotionally, personally) and you will meet someone who is ready to go the distance with you...it might be this girl - it might not.

[Blum]

maizenblue

you sound as a sweet person... somehow despite being a piggy hahaha.
Hey good luck with your appointment!
But let me tell you, health comes first!!!

Your cleaning habits can be changed. Financial situation can be changed. You can find another woman (sad but true).
So as far as I see it now you should be worried about getting the best health care possible now.
You can think of a marriage counselor, new jobs and cleaning bootcamp after that.

[jamiegirl19]

ouch, that sucks !