Guy who is married but "separated" and dating other women

[TygerTyger]

Hi everyone..I'd love some insight here...

I met a guy on POF earlier this year. When I got to talking to him, he told me up front that his marriage is over, but he's still living at home. Apparently this is some new arrangement *I've* never heard of.. "married but separated."

The situation is that they have separate rooms and lives. She cannot move out because I guess she doesn't work and he feels obligated to support her...until....?

I walked away once from him because this is NOT something I wanted to get involved in. But I found him again on another site and we started talking, and met. Yeah...I know.

He appears to be sincere about him and his wife agreeing to see other people, but he still restricts himself to never staying overnight anywhere. He always comes home. But as far as I can tell he's not cheating, each knows what is going on...but he's still got the tethers of obligation connected.

We never dated, but have become friends. He is determined to fall in love with someone, and he has to be in love to sleep with the person. So far his plan has not come to fruition.

This seems entirely bizarre to me, to be searching for a big romance when still married, regardless of how "separate" you are from your spouse. Has anyone else heard of this?

Also...morally...is it wrong to get involved with someone in this position? That's what I've been trying to figure out, even though we never got involved that way..if it's not cheating..then what is it?

Apparently a few women haven't cared about it, he's been dating around.

Weird.

Thanks!

[RockNRoll]

If you don't want to get involved into this situation, than don't make any moves. Even if all of it is true and he is legally separated (in some places it's a requirment for getting divorced?), it might be messy and no good for you.

[ammi00]

I know a man that got a divorce after he has been married for one year, and after the divorce he kept living with his ex-wife for another 5 years, while continuing a relationship with her AND with other women as well. Bizzare, yes. I think you should start moving on, before getting more involved or interested in him.

[vashti]

I think the problem with dating someone who is separated is that there is a risk of them deciding to stay with their spouse, especially if they are living under the same roof.

As for legal vs non-legal separation, well I don't know about state laws everywhere, but in California, there is no real reason to do a legal separation. The cost for doing this is the same as divorce, so you might as well divorce. And yes, a lot of people remain married for financial reasons and delay divorce, especially in this economy. In fact, I am one of them (though we don't live together anymore).

I would suggest if you get involved with this man, you verify everything he tells you about his dating availability with his wife, and if she doesn't mind hime dating, then I don't consider it cheating.

[VincenzoG91]

I met a guy on POF earlier this year. When I got to talking to him, he told me up front that his marriage is over, but he's still living at home. Apparently this is some new arrangement *I've* never heard of.. "married but separated."

The situation is that they have separate rooms and lives. She cannot move out because I guess she doesn't work and he feels obligated to support her...until....?

This is actually not extremely unusual right now, at least in the U.S. There are a lot of couples that would like to get divorced but would take a big loss on the house if they sold right now. So they end up stuck, living together, even though they want to move on. Besides the social awkwardness, this is a warning sign that this guy might have financial problems.

[smackie9]

You know what, if you don't feel comfortable about it then don't date him. Tell him you will be interested in dating him only when his present situation changes. But since he has really no balls to figure out a solution to get divorce properly, I wouldn't hold my breath. I would just walk away.....who care if is he's sincere, he's got issues sister.

[reeba]

I know of several people who did this prior to getting divorced, and one person who still lived with her ex after the divorce. The reason was all financial, usually involving a house. The guy I'm dating now lived like this (in the basement) for 2 years, until the house finally sold. Are they trying to sell the house?

Basicaly if you are uncomfortable about it, leave it be. You can't date someone who lives in a situation that you find 'untrustworthy'. And if you are comfortable about this, you need to ask yourself if you see any progress toward financial stability, unless you want to wait till our economy experiences a miracle (wouldn't hold my breath for that to happen)