Jealousy ruins my life.. :(

[JadenMia]

Im 20 years old and have had my fair share of heartbreaks.. Not only in relationships with men.. but family also.

My jealousy plays a huge part in my life, it ruins every relationship i have ever had.. It usually starts off just fine.. And as soon as i get serious with someone.. My jealousy becomes over powering.. Just with their past relationships, past sexual experiences. I cannot handle it.. And i can be having an amazing romantic night with my loved one.. And an image will pop into my head then my mood will completely change. I get so angry, so hurtful and hateful..

Now i understand the fact that i cannot change the things that happened in the past.. It doesnt mean anything at present.. And it doesnt affect us as a couple but it doesnt matter how logically i think.. it still makes me sick to the point that i feel im about to puke.

It happened with my daughters father.. I found someone new.. someone who has always been relatively good to me.. And now its happening with him. I know how its going to play out..I am going to get so jealous it takes over my life.. I will take the relationship and trash it completely so i dont have to feel it anymore.. then il be alone and regretful.

What can i do to help myself? I dont know what else to do, i cannot keep living this way..
My partner say everything about me is perfect.. Then there is my jealousy.. its the only ugly part of me..he is so right..
Please help

[smackie9]

Next time you feel it coming on, remove yourself from the situation and count to ten. Try and distance yourself. Then think of something that is positive or makes you happy. If you keep doing this every time, you will retrain your brain to look at the situation differently.

[Sonrisa]

redirect your energy towards something else, try thinking positive thoughts.

[JadenMia]

Im going to keep trying, but usually when i am in that mind frame nothing will stop me from thinking about it.. It always escalates.. *sigh*

[MerryH]

What is it exactly that makes you feel jealous? What steps have you taken to stop this from happening?

[JadenMia]

Well, my partner has been with quite a few women before we got together.. And we are in such a small town where everyone has grown up together.. Its quite hard not to be in the same group of friends as the women hes been with.
I know what hes done and who with because of stories.. etc
He hasnt really done anything at all to make me feel this way apart from being a little unsensitive at times, but its just that 'knowing' that kills me? If that makes sense? It will be him kissing me, or us been in bed together and an image will pop into my head of him being with another woman doing the same thing we are doing. Although i know it makes no sense to feel like this, its me that hes chosen to be with and love.. I just cannot shake the images of him, images and scenarios that i have made up in my mind. I will instantly change my mood and shut mysef off from him.. Which results in him becoming frustrated with me.. I tried a different approach, to explain what i was feeling instead of just shutting off and acting like there was completely no love between us. That just caused him to get angry and annoyed even more which causes us to argue and start being hateful.
It happens alot when we are apart too, i just think about these scenarios over and over.. Ugh..

The only way i know il stop feeling like this is to get over him and not love him anymore.. But i love him too much to let go.. So i feel.. stuck.
Its almost like a disease, it riddles me with these horrible thoughts.. Im not sure what to do about it.. Iv been trying to deal with it so long..There seems to be nothing that helps.

[MerryH]

Ok, so your answer to my second question is "nothing." You've done nothing to try to stop yourself from feeling this way. Two people in this thread gave you two different techniques for stopping this and you basically said, "Sigh, I can try, but I just know it won't work." If you don't actually *do* anything to stop then of course nothing is going to change.

[JadenMia]

Well no.. I said there is nothing that helps me to stop feeling this way..Like i said I run through my mind all the logical thoughts that i should be thinking, For example.. 'Hes with me.. why does this bother me if he *chooses* to be with me..despite my issues'.. or.. 'It was before we even met, i cannot expect him to have no past'.. Things like that i will try to think about when i am in that kind of mood.
Yes obviously i am going to try these 2 techniques that have been given to me to try.. When i am in that mood.. What i am saying is so far.. Nothing has helped. But yes.. the 2 helpful answers before i will definitely be trying out. Thanks.

[MerryH]

Well no.. I said there is nothing that helps me to stop feeling this way...

No...You can't say there's "nothing" that helps you to stop feeling this way because you've only tried one thing (which was attempting logical thought, though I'm not sure that even counts as trying.) It didn't work for you. There are hundreds of other things you can do, but you're being defeatist and closed-minded about it. Stop it. Make an effort. Try different things, such as:

-the other suggestions in this thread
-the rubber band technique
-taking out your issues via exercise
-change of diet
-therapy

etc.

Your logical brain is smarter and more powerful than your stupid emotions. Make sure you know which is boss.

[Regnent]

Are you insecure? I can only assume you have trust issues.
To me, it's rather pointless trying to redirect or 'manage' negative feelings, they usually have a reason for being stronger than possitive, and I would suggest spending some time figuring out why -you- feel this way. I don't think it has much to do with your partners, or ex's, etc. They make have started it, but at the point where it wants to run your life, it's a personal issue.

One thing is to get over past experiances. They're done, and gone. They might happen again, but you're not improving your chances by living past emotional states.

[JadenMia]

Yeah its definitely a personal issue.. I am insecure and have low self esteem, which i believe its better than it used to be after hours of therapy and trying to find my inner peace.. The only time i am truly happy is when im at home alone with my daughter.
I think i may have a fear of being left alone.. Im not sure really.
I do yoga daily and have a very good diet so im not sure they will really help anymore than what they are doing. My therapist always said when the anger rises and i get upset to do something to take my mind away from the situation, which for me is reading a book or playing a video game, but when i am in the midst of these emotions i cannot even focus on anything like that.

They may seem like stupid pointless emotions to people, but they honestly dont seem so stupid when im upset by them. It can seriously turn into a mini breakdown.
I would like to sit down and at least understand why i feel this way... I just really dont know what or how to figure it out. The only thing i really hate about myself is my body.. The changes after giving birth to my daughter i really cant look at myself without cringing and knowing no man could look at me and think wow.. they must think eww.
I just feel quite lost but i will be trying out different things when this starts up..

Thanks again guys it means alot.

[Ryan Heitzman]

I don't know completely, but I think you should start with finding what the problem really is and fixing it the best you can. This won't happen overnigh, but still try hard and have confidence in your abilities.

[Hannu]

I suggest seeking help from an NLP Coach or attending an NLP Practitioner course. Just make sure the coach/trainer is licensed by Richard Bandler, the co-creator of NLP.

[MaidenMinx]

You do have a lot to process, and more therapy is certainly needed.

For now, you need to learn how to stop yourself from getting to the point where your emotions are so intense you cannot focus on anything else. Emotions don't go from cool to hot in an instant there is build up (even though it may feel at times like it just happens).

First thing you need to have 'on hand' -so to speak- is as many examples as you can gather of why this man is fantastic. Think of these as often as you have a spare moment, any time you are thinking about self improvement. Force these thoughts into your head. Let the happiness that these memories carry flow through you.

Next, when ever you have an image flash in your head, replace it with one of your 'on hand' memories. If it comes back, replace it again. If the image evolves, evolve your memory. It will get to a point where the image will crop up and be replace without a second thought.

The hardest thing to accept in these scenarios is that you CHOOSE to feel this way. From what you have said I think this is a self protection mechanism. You think this is guy is too wonderful for you, so you're trying to drive him away.

I hope I have helped.

[JadenMia]

It was quite a while ago i posted this, it was good for a while. My relationship was getting better after i was trying to re-direct myself from thinkng this way.. My jealousy was a lot better for a while but my relationship turned completely sour.
Maybe it was my fault it happened although he turned out to be not so wonderful.. I am still with him, i cant find the strength to leave him though, i have tried it and acted strong a few times. But both times it has blown in my face so not feeling it to try leave again.

My jealousy is worse than ever and the paranoia of him cheating on me is driving me insane. It has actually been really bad the last few days. I was trying to be good to him, to make the relationship work, to try build trust between us so we could be happy again. It has left me with no friends, no life.. I feel miserable. I cant sleep, i cant eat, i feel sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears and im not sure why. While i have been trying all this time to help us, he has been doing nothing and i am so angry. He has gone behind my back and is not making any effort at all.. It makes me feel completely worthless and stupid for trying so hard.
If i get in this state, in the past, i used to just try sleep it off. I used to feel relatively better about things and be able to think straight when i woke up. These past few days have been terrible and have been waking up in the exact same mood. I am upset to the point of breaking at ny minute.. I think i need some help.. Or at least i would like some help.. A friend..anything.

I am just desperate to be happy again.. I dont know what is going on