Complicated situation.. i love her but her past still haunts her

[h17]

So I met this girl in September 2009 and we chatted for a while and got along as friends. I found her very attractive and we go along well. I had a feeling that she had broken up with her boyfriend so I thought, why not give it a try.
Anyway a few months went by, we didn’t speak as much although we would greet each other from time to time. I found out she was back with her boyfriend and kind of forgot her.

Then in the middle of March 2010, she started initiating contact with me and we started talking more and more regularly until we actually spoke throughout the whole day via texts. In the beginning of April 2010, things started to get closer and on the 11th o April, we finally kissed and things kicked off from there. We had a really fun and romantic relationship going. Then, in the middle of May, her ex boyfriend started to pursue her because he found out she was in a relationship with me. He started to pursue her, sending her text messages professing his love, sending her flowers. He would also stalk her and she would come back to me crying, saying she was scared and that she needed me. By the way, she was always honest to me and told me everything that was going wrong, showed me his text messages, etc.

Towards the middle of o June, things started to get shaky in the relationship. I sometimes felt she was distant and i could tell she wasn’t too comfortable, although she still told me she liked but that sometimes she needed space.
In the begging of July, she told me her ex boyfriend needed to speak and that she had accepted. I said ok because i trusted her, but of course, inside, i didn’t like the sound of it. Later that they she texted me saying that her had kissed her and said that he wasn’t giving up on her. She cried all night and i could see she was confused about the whole thing. The past relationship had caught up with her. We were with each other one last time a week later until she finally, in the middle of July, came to terms that she couldn’t take things further with me, that she now need to be alone because her head wasn’t straight.
So July passed, and i didn’t see her for the whole of August, although i kept in touch from time to time and she called me up one night unexpectedly. (later i found out through one of her friends that she always had the urge to call me but her other friend would stop her).

In September i started seeing her at parties again but didn’t like the fact that her and her ex boyfriend were closer again, although i never found out they were in a relationship and nobody else did too, cause i asked. A few days later i took her out and sang her i song i wrote and played on guitar... then we kissed and the rest of the date was really warm and fun. However, on that date her ex called her about 4 times and sent her txts but she wouldn’t answer. We talked about it and she said that in was hard for her to just let go of her ex boyfriend because they had grown up together and were friends always until they’re 2 year relationship started. (by the way, she ended this relationship).

So a few weeks passed in the middle of September, I popped her the question, do you think we can have another chance? She said that she still had the same feeling about this, when we first broke up and she wanted it to stay that way. I was wrecked and decided to move on.. I kept the lines of communication open, although i did start using no contact until she would initiate contact with me.

On the 9th of October, we were at a party together and i spoke to her but acted cool and as if i was ok with the whole situation. She told me she liked me but i didn’t answer, then she told me again and i just nodded and smiled and went away politely. Later that night she asked me if i had someone new in my life. The next day i told her that i was single. She responded to me later that night saying she missed me and we texted the whole night and she would reminisce about the good things we had.

We slowly sarted to text each other more and more, her being the one initiating contact, and on the 16th of October she told me to check out her facebook because she drawn me a picture. It was a sweet girl holding a card saying, “I miss you”. Later that night she called me and turned up at my house and we kissed and hugged each other like there was no tomorrow. The relationship started again and it felt stronger than ever. She did and told me things that really showed me that she cared and that she was willing to have a future with me.
Of course, her ex found out and started flipping out again and stalked her. Called her all sorts of names that really hurt her. She did something that I liked which was telling her ex she like me now. But that didn’t stop him pressuring her to change her mind.

However, A month passed and she ended the relationship again. She says that she likes me and that I’m special to her, but that she still has feeling for her ex, she hasn’t totally forgotten him.
So what should do i do guys? It’s unbearable. I know she is confused. But her ex is totally obsessed by her and all they do is argue, I’ve seen this. One minute he says she likes her, next minute he’s calling her names. The stalking is unbelievable. I’ve told her that her past is past and that he isn’t a person that anyone would like to be in a relationship with, it’s abusive and unhealthy. Many of her friends and his, have told me that they’re past relationship really should be over. She needs to figure this out.

I love her very much.. I just want her back really, without having to deal with any past relationship ghosts again, I’ve told her this. I agreed with the breakup but it sucks because I really miss. I would just love to slap some sense into her head! It sucks knowing all the feelings we’ve had, things we’ve done together and yet, she still can’t fully control her emotions towards her ex. I’m not sure if it’s love or if she just feels sorry for him, because as i said, they have been friends forever. They went out for 2 years but he always ****ed up and made her feel bad and also cheated on her. I think she’s crazy sometimes. I just wish she’s forgets about him, period! And sees that I am the one.

Help anyone? Any suggestions or opinions on what is best to do in this situation?

[Gratedwasabi]

I'm sorry to break this to you but it sounds like you're her rebound. Whenever he does something that bothers her, she comes to you (the willing, open-armed nice guy that never turns her down) and then when she feels a little better/he serenades her back she runs back to him.

You're the backup. The guy she can always run to for comfort but never has to put any actual work or feelings into. A couple sweet words or a photo and you're back to being crazy about her.

Sorry, but I'm willing to bet as soon as you make it difficult for her to come running to you she'll stop. Meaning that's just what you need to do. Ie. "I'm sorry but I can't keep comforting you when he's mean. Would you rather have me or him in your life? Choose."

[IncognitoSir]

Its pretty obvious that you need to move on. Don't wait around for her, she doesn't deserve it. I know you like her a lot, but this whole hot and cold thing with her it rediculous! That ex guy of hers' is crazy and for whatever reason, she likes that. Go find a girl that knows what she wants.


P.S. Why is she confused, whats to be confused about? Date nice guy who's good to me all the time or date crazy, stalker guy who calls me names and makes me cry all the time.....hmmmmm decisions decisions.

[IncognitoSir]

no need to double post.

[Iliveinoblivion]

To be involved with people that are either confused or complicated never leads to a good ending. Unfortunaly, very often in love you have to look out for yourself when there´s another guy involved, believe me: It never ends well. I knew a girl who kept going back to her abusive boyfriend for nine years breaking hearts everywhere, always being with someone else but bringing her ex boyfriend into the relationship sooner or later.
In the other hand, if a girl wants to stop seeing someone, she just does it. No one is going to force her if she doesn´t allow it, but allowing it might mean she doesn´t really want to let him go. It sounds as well that, she enjoys having the attention of two guys at the same time. Probably, you shouldn´t lend yourself to her game.

[girl68]

Do not post the same thread twice. They have been merged.

[h17]

thanks for the opinions guys, i can see where you're coming from.

This situation sucks as you've pointed out. However, I'm willing to give her one more chance... because she has always been honest with me and never cheated behind my back. I just think that when she resolves all her past issues, that we can finally have our real chance in a healthy relationship. She knows what I want from her now, a relationship with no 3rd parties involved.

I know she has her problems, but she doesn't always come back to me crying or needing to talk. This only happened when we were together. And she isn't the kind of girl that goes in and out of relationships easily.

I am currently doing the no contact thing and only say hello when we personally meet at our local bar or parties. I want to continue my life. It's just hard forgetting her.. i really do beleive we have a chance

[smackie9]

Wow must be nice to able to have two guys....I guess she is enjoying it. She knows how to manipulate the both of you to have her cake and eat it too. It's time to break this vicious cycle. Stop falling for her tactics. Move on.

[Iliveinoblivion]

There´s something you really have to understand: You´re not thinking clearly. You´re very vulnerable now. Imagine a friend of yours is going through the same situation, study the situation from the outside, detach from your body for a few minutes and look at that poor guy (you) stuck in his own mind.
Maybe I can give you my opinion ´cause I´m over 40 years old and I have learned from so many bad experiences that, very often we have to buck up and tell ourselves we are temporarily insane (what people confuses with "being in love"). We have to discover our world within, to build this world, to build inside ourselves a place where we can be happy, to discover that believing in yourself and placing yourself ahead of ABSOLUTELY everyone is going to give you the strength to go through life enjoying the presence of other people. It´s simple: Love yourself first, always ahead of the others. Only that way you can really love, because no matter what happens you have that amazing world inside of you, your world that you enjoy being in.
One day, very soon, if you encourage yourself to invest you attention in funny and smart girls (don´t forget there´s billions of girls in the world), you´ll look back and realize how wrong you are about believing you have a chance with this insecure person (even if you do, it will be subjected to her problems and issues, do you want that?).

Lastly, my last advice is: Real life is not like in the movies. What happen in movies WILL never happen to you. I know it may sound harsh but, I went on my teenage years believing so and I only found happinnes when I finally convinced myself Life and Reality have nothing to do with Hollywood. Hollywood make tons of people believe their love lives will take a 180º turn and she´ll take the first flight to meet with them again...just like in Sleepless in Seattle or My best friend´s weeding or those Sandra Bullock/Ben affleck/Hugh Grant, etc, etc. flicks. People like us should sue Hollywood or whoever wash people´s brains with those false notions of "love".

Take care and, believe me: You´ll laugh at this one day soon, the day you decide to dedicate more time and effort to your own existence. Also, girls are always atracted to guys with confidence in themselves, they don´t like guys that become emotionally independent, I´m sure I know.

P.s. Also, no one and I mean no one is going to tell you to pursue this girl. At this point, you´re blinded and you don´t see she´s using both of you guys. Some girls (fortunately, just a few) use tears to manipulate guys, some of them do it without knowing they´re doing it but others know perfectly they´re doing it, specially with terrific guys like you. Sometimes our problem is to be too good. I remember this one girl used to tell me not to be so nice with her, told me to hurt her somehow like cheating on her or starting arguments with her, I never understood why she felt good whenever there was conflict or war between us. What I´m trying to say is: Never abandon yourself and your world inside...after all, it´s your real home where you will always be back after a date gone wrong or any other bad experience: The comfort of your own World Within.

[Boisdevie]

You're willing to give her one more chance? Why? DO YOU ENJOY BEING A VICTIM? You really believe that there is a chance for you and her - NO YOU ARE DELUDED.

Find somebody else who gives you the real love that you need. There are lots of nice women out there. Find one.