Had a very awkward situation to deal with today, and I'm confused about what to do

[nihao]

Over the past few months I've gotten to know this girl that I'm really into.. we have a lot of thing in common, and seem to have a really good connection. Over the past few weeks I've let her know I'd like to be more than friends, we go out together, hold hands sometimes, and generally have a great time together. When I've asked her about stepping things up, she generally tries to put me off, she'll tell me 'we can be together later' or 'i just don't want to get involved right now'. So it seems she wants to just be friends and not get involved romantically. All in all I think she just wants to be friends, and I respect that. But other times she talks about us moving in together at some undetermined point in the future, and I'm thinking to myself 'wtf???'

Anyhow, today we make plans to meet for lunch, and at the last minute she tells me she's bringing along a guy friend. I'm like 'okkk that's cool..' but to myself thinking that it's extremely rude and inappropriate to invite someone else like that at the last minute. But I let it go. From the moment we meet up to eat there's tension between me and the new guy. I shake his hand, and he's kinda just looking back at me. He watches me and her looking like he's trying to gauge our relationship. Dinner ends up being very quiet and awkward, very little conversation. I try to chit chat with them, without probing or asking anything like, how do you 2 know each other? But inside I'm burning jealous. When we're all leaving, he asks her what she's doing tomorrow, and she says she doesn't have plans. I sit quiet, shake his hand and we all take off. I'm not her boyfriend, so there was really nothing I could do about it.. if she wants to see him she's gonna see him. But she knows how I feel about her and makes me sit through that? I tried my best to act like nothing bothered me, but it had to have shown through. We have plans to go out tonight with a couple of other friends, and as I drop her off she says she may have to do family things and she'll let me know what's up later.

What am I supposed to do? Why did she put that other guy between us like that? It wasn't remotely fair to me at all.. if I act jealous I'm a insecure guy, if I do something and tell him to back off, what ground am I standing on? We aren't officially dating. How would she feel if I had decided to randomly bring another girl to lunch with us?? I'm bad at expressing how I feel, and I should have told her exactly what I felt, but I didn't simply because I didn't wanna look insecure. This is so frustrating, can someone please give me some advice on how to handle this? I want to have a frank discussion with her about what we are doing together, but at the same time I just want to quit talking to her altogether, because we've had that conversation before.

Btw I'm mild autistic, and she's aware of this. I have a very difficult time interpreting things in social settings, and I feel like she's probably just tired of dealing with it. Is this all my fault?

[Gratedwasabi]

It's completely bogus of her to have done that. Completely bogus. You are absolutely in bounds to call her out on it and find out what she was thinking. It almost sounds like she wanted you two to fight over her and then accept the winner as her boyfriend.

Totally, totally not cool. You should have told her straight up no or walked out when he showed up and it seemed pretty clear he has a crush on her. Confront her about it, tell her it made you feel like crap and you don't understand why she would do that to you when she knows your feelings, and if she doesn't give you a good reason and/or apologize tell her to F off.

I dated a girl for about 6 months that used to do things like that. She'd tell me about these guys she "used" to have a crush on and then make me hang out with them and make me carry the conversation. One guy actually said to me "don't worry, I'm not sleeping with her" at which point I somehow managed to keep myself in check, stood up, took my wallet out, dropped two 20s on the table and told them to have a lovely dinner. Maybe she meant it innocently but it sure doesn't sound like it. Confront her, straight up tell her how it made you feel. Don't hold back, just lay it out there.

[nihao]

Thanks Gratedwasabi, I do appreciate your response.. I'm an extremely straightforward and honest person, so I have trouble dealing with people who aren't... when you said that it sounds like she wanted us to fight over her and she would select the winner as her bf, it made me think of something she had said to me once about feeling that if her man didn't wanna fight for her, then he wasn't worth having. At the time I told her that was immature, and no woman worth having would make her man fight for her in any sense of the word. I don't want to end things with her, but I'm not putting up with someone so immature. Shame, really, we had decided just a couple days ago to take an art class together just for the fun of it.

[girl68]

She's been playing you since day 1. She wants to be single, but she wants to have a comforting familier body at home (you.)

I say call her out. Don't say you can't anything... just say here's where I stand: I like you, I want you and we don't have to be all serious anytime soon but, I also can't just watch you date other men if that's what you want to do. Your call.

[nihao]

ok, thank you girl68, turns out I will see her tonight, so I will put it on the line most likely at the end of the evening, rather than ruining the whole night for everyone. Already know what she's gonna say, but might as well get it over and done with.

[devonbrown]

Girl68 is right on the money. Lay it out for her and let her know that her little stunt hurt you. But when you do, don't expect to know her answer. You said you know what she is going to say, but you may not. She might have other things going on in her mind. She may be confused or awkward herself. But the best way to handle things is to talk openly and honestly and know that the sun is going to come up tomorrow regardless of the outcome.

[Gratedwasabi]

ok, thank you girl68, turns out I will see her tonight, so I will put it on the line most likely at the end of the evening, rather than ruining the whole night for everyone. Already know what she's gonna say, but might as well get it over and done with.

Please let us know how it goes. As I mentioned, I was in a very similar spot (the ex I mentioned and I were friends first, she knew I liked her, made me hang out with guys she told me she had crushes on, etc, I confronted her and she chose to date me and it was a horrible call on my part because the behavior simply changed into "hey, we're dating, I might hang out with guys but they know I'm dating you so you have no right to be jealous.")

So just keep in mind even if she says she'll date you, if that's how little respect she has for you do you really want to date her? Because that's straight up the issue; she doesn't respect you. As a friend, as a romantic interest, as a person; she's decided you're obligated to do what she wants so she doesn't even need to worry about your feelings.

Also, you handled the situation like a champ dude. Just feel it's worth mentioning, ****ing pro way of handling it. Hard as hell to keep your cool in that situation and not make a scene.

[nihao]

Ok, so we went out last night and actually had a pretty good time, but on the way home taking her back to her place we had a talk about yesterday's ****ed up lunch incident, and she said that I didn't have any reason to be upset or jealous. She said she had 'a lotta guy friends and if that's a problem for you, maybe we shouldn't be together'. I told her I just didn't appreciate being put in that situation, and that I would never do that to her. At which point she said she wanted to remain single. Maybe she doesn't respect me, maybe it's because I'm too nice to her and don't speak my mind.. I know women hate that, but for the most part I do tell her how I feel about things. When she asks me what I think about something I'll always answer honest and direct. I'm just not a confrontational person, and I don't like getting into arguments with people unless I have to. She has told me in the past that I don't have much of an edge to me, and that I need to be 'meaner' in her words, sometimes when it comes to women. I'm not really into being mean or manipulative with people.


When she said she just wanted to remain single I said I respect that, and told her I do want her, but I don't want to put any pressure on you or force you into a long term commitment that you maybe aren't ready for. We pretty much just left it at that and drove to her house. She told me she had been invited to two parties today but ddin't really want to go, so I just bluntly told her 'then don't go.' I offered to have her over instead if she wanted to. (Yeah, mistake, but I couldn't help myself.) She just gave some kinda nonsense answer about having things to do in the afternoon, so we just left it at that and gave each other a hug good night.

Bottom line, what she did was stupid immature and wrong, but I think I need to maybe stop being such a nice guy as well, or this kinda thing won't stop happening. It's just not in my nature to be manipulative or a jerk.

[ammi00]

Let it go. It isn't and it wasn't your fault. She's playing some stupid games, but please don't let this to upset you too much. Try to accept things as they are and leave them like that. Don't stop being a nice guy, if that's in your nature - but learn how to be a nice guy that's respected and not walked all over. Maybe the guys on the forum can give you some advice

[nihao]

That's pretty much what I try to be in ilfe.. a nice guy that is respected. Maybe I'm over doing the nice part.. I really don't know. I'm not a clingy person.. I don't call her non stop, or text her with random pointless messages, only if I have something to say or wanna take her along for whatever I'm doing. She'll almost always go, but when it comes to making the step from friend to girlfriend I fail miserably.

[Gratedwasabi]

Dude, this is not at all your fault. She's just that kind of girl. She wants attention from a lot of guys and while you may also be a friend to her, you're still just one of many guys she's trying to get attention from and she won't risk losing all that attention by getting in a relationship.

You need to decide whether you're comfortable just being friends (and knowing she's going out and hanging with a "lot" of other guys) or if you aren't comfortable with that and don't want to be around it. It really doesn't sound like she's even considering committing to you in any way.

[girl68]

You have your answer. Now, be polite but don't invite her out again. Don't presume you are friends.

[Boisdevie]

She is using you. Forget her and move on

[VincenzoG91]

She knew that you have mild autism? She is a jerk.

[Incognito]

. I'm just not a confrontational person, and I don't like getting into arguments with people unless I have to. She has told me in the past that I don't have much of an edge to me, and that I need to be 'meaner' in her words, sometimes when it comes to women. I'm not really into being mean or manipulative with people....

but I think I need to maybe stop being such a nice guy as well, or this kinda thing won't stop happening. It's just not in my nature to be manipulative or a jerk.

Damn it if you don't sound like me. Listen man, don't let one woman's messed up preferences in men change who you are. I remember having a serious crush on a young woman a long time ago and she mentioned that she had an emotionally detached, abusive ex.....and that she REALLY loved him. She practically went on to say that she craved physical and emotional abuse. I realized that she was a nutcase, and lost interest. Eventually the woman who you've been dealing with will grow tired of being used, and grow tired of an overly macho man who has to prove his masculinity by doing asinine things like fighting for women or belittling others. In the meantime you should take solace in the fact that she will be used and ill treated by the very type of guy that she thinks she wants.

Don't intentionally try to be less nice to people. It will happen on its own, trust me (really). My rule is that I always make a good first impression by being nice, and I'm only nice afterward IF I deem the person deserving. Don't give anyone more kindness than they deserve, and learn to both 'say no' to people and 'make it known that you hate someone without being disrespectful'.

Send me a PM if you wish.