Insight needed. Why did she do this?

[cboy90]

Trying to get some insight on the situation. Hoping to get some advice here.


Anyways, here goes: Me and my ex were together for just over 3 1/2 years. Met in Grade 11. Both the same age (17). I met her at her work (local coffee shop), asked for her number, next thing you know, 2 weeks later we were dating. Ever since then things sprung out. Couldn't keep me off her, couldn't keep her off me. We were pretty much exactly the same person. Liked the same things, did the same things. Now, 1 1/2 years later she had to move with her family to a city about 200km away. Her dad got a job up there. Anyways, I finished school and went onto college. During that time that she moved out of the city, I would drive up to see her every 2 weeks. This went on for about 6 months. During that time we were still a couple. Still going strong.

Now, the following year she moved back to the city I lived in so that she could be with me. She moved out with her sister who was 3 years older than her. Sharing an apartment together. Now fast forward to the present. We would get into arguments over why I would only go to her apartment 2-3 times a week. I explained to her that I was in college (studying engineering) and I couldn't see her every day. I had too much stuff with school going on and it was overwhelming. Then I explained to her that she had a job and she didn't have to bring her job home with her. I had to bring my school home with me every day. Sometimes during these arguments I would just ignore her. I'm not the kinda guy to raise my voice to a women. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Sometimes I would just tell her that I couldn't deal with her fighting with me over something so stupid and I would just tell her I had to leave.

During our time together we always talked about having kids, where we wanted to get married and the kind of rings she wanted. We were a happy couple when we weren't fighting. We both agreed that we wanted to marry each other and have a life together. Her family adored me and my family couldn't get enough of her. They thought we were perfect for each other. About 5 months ago she talked about having to move out by herself this February of 2011. She asked me If I could move in with her so that we could finally start our lives off together. We started to pick out things we wanted to buy for the apartment and where we wanted to put everything.

Now on the 16th of October I get a call from her crying and telling me that there is a problem with our relationship. She loves me but she doesn't feel in love with me. And that were back to dating and back to step 1 and that I need to start wooing her again. Fine with me. I loved this girl so I was willing to do anything to keep her happy. She also goes on to tell me that she is going to start seeing other people as well too. Some kid from her work asked to spend time with her 'as friends'. Now me, I didn't know what to think of this. I just wanted to keep her happy. That following Wednesday I buy her flowers, write her a sorry card, took her out to a fancy restaurant and movie. Probably fronted about $250 for that night. That Friday I offered to come over and make her dinner. When I get there she starts crying and telling me that she doesn't want to lose me because I was her best friend. She told me everything and when something was wrong I was the first person she came to with it. She then started to tell me how she is worried when she moves out because she doesn't want to be alone. About 2-3 months before this all happened, she was always talking about us moving out, she told my whole family, she constantly told me how excited she was, how she went out and bought some more stuff for our place. And now this happened. Why?

Now, that following Sunday I get a message from her saying how she can only offer me friendship and she’s sorry for hurting me and she still wants to be my friend and maybe eventually we could get back together. I was traumatized. I told her I needed to see her that night and I rounded up every single card/clothing/cologne/jewelry/picture that I had been given from her and took it over to her place. I threw it all on her bed and told her that I don't want to keep it anymore because if I keep it, all I'm going to be thinking about is her. She then said “What if we get back together?” I didn't know what to think then. That night I took her out for dinner 'as friends' and her mom called and asked about what happened and told her that she doesn't want her to do anything stupid with me. I asked her why her mom said that and she told me it was because her parents loved me and didn't want to see her lose me. Made me feel good.

So we tried the friends thing for a week and during that time she goes on to tell me how this new kid she’s seeing does some of the same things that I do and it always reminds her of me. Not sure if that's a bad thing. She then tells me that she spent time with this kid before (before this $hit storm hit) and she never told me. To my surprise, I asked how come she never did and she said “I never asked her what she was doing during that time.” Wow! After the week was up I ended the friends thing and she told me she thinks it’s for the best and she doesn't want to see me again and I can't come to her work or to her place because she'll be pissed. She hopes I'm happy and that I find the right girl. Last words I said to her was “I love you, goodbye.”

Now I should say this this kid that she’s seeing now is 2 years younger than her/me, an ex-drug addict/dealer, goes to AADAC meetings once a month, lost his car due to legal problems, lives with his grandma, mom left him, never met his dad, high school dropout and carry’s around alcohol in his backpack. Basically, the pick of the pile. Someone completely different than me. Me and her hated people like that and we always talked about how we would never date anyone like that. Anyways, I ended things with her on the 1st of November and have NOT contacted her in ANY way at all since. I feel completely shut out because I planned on proposing to this girl on our 5th year anniversary together. I was happy, and I couldn't wait to be with her for the rest of our lives.

Now my question is: What should I take from what she is doing? Is this just a rebound relationship? Why is she doing it? Does she still want to be with me? I still love her deeply and hope I see her again. The same thing happened to my sister and her husband when they were together. Now they have been married for 5 years with 2 kids. The same thing happened to my brother-in-laws brother and his wife. Now they have been married for 10 years with 2 kids. A lot of people have told me that there is plenty of fish in the sea. That may be true, but only one is worth the catch! I haven't really got any closure from this.

[Gratedwasabi]

She got scared because the stuff you had only talked about, living together, marriage, etc.., was actually going to happen and she wasn't ready.

So she freaked out and tried to get things to go back like they were but you interpreted it, fairly enough, as her wanting you to woo her; when in fact it just made it seem more committed and she got more terrified.

Then she didn't want to lose you but she didn't want that commitment so the friend thing. She wanted to see other guys and probably this punk kid because he's EXTREMELY different and she wants to see what else is out there and find something that involves no commitment and is the anti-marriage, which this kid accomplishes; "fun" (aka probably a jerk), "exciting", non-committal. And the friend thing didn't work because she still loves you but couldn't understand why she loved you when she didn't want marriage or to live together so her answer was to vanquish you from her life.

She got scared and her reaction was to get you the hell out of her life instead of dealing with it. Sometimes women do it, it's nuts but you were out of luck as soon as she decided she was freaked out; nothing you could have done to save it.That's it in a nutshell. She'll probably bag some losers for a while and then try to get back with you. You should move on, though.

[cboy90]

Yeah I couldn't do the friend thing with her. I had to end it. All she wanted was friendship, but I wanted more. It seems odd though how only a couple months ago she was so excited about moving in together and finally having our own place. And she even told me to my face that she wants to marry me. She just basically did a complete 180.

[cmacattack1]

Maybe it took you by surprise, but I don't think she just woke up one day and wanted to end things with you. She was thinking about this for a while and she wasn't honest about it until recently, which is totally on her. I know you are hurt, I know you are confused, and I know you want answers. Only she can give you 100 percent of the story and what happened, and I doubt you will get this out of her.

I believe you guys fell into a position of comfort and your relationship kind of stagnated. The responsibility for that lies on you both. She felt like you guys weren't growing together anymore, and that was probably true seeing as how you had college and all that. While you just blew 250 bucks to try and woo her back, it was too little too late. Funny how NOW you are afraid to lose her is when you start trying again. Getting a girl is the easy part, keeping her for the long haul is the difficult part.

So while everything is still fresh and it still hurts, I think you can take alot of experience and lessons from this. To be the best boyfriend you can be, you have to be consistent. You can't let the relationship go stale and then periodically try and make things better. You have to be the boyfriend every day. And you weren't that. What a girl wants in a guy is a guy who gets the job done, and you weren't making her feel like a high enough priority. You were arguing with her about how tough school is, instead of finding ways to manage your time better to keep her around in your life. You were ignoring her when you should have been listening. Those are the things that you can improve on for your next relationship, be it with her or somebody else.

While you can't help how you feel, you can certainly help what you do and these are things you can do better next time

As for her, she doesn't want to feel like she lost you which is why she's trying the "be friends" thing, so she has you around in case things don't work out with the new guy. That's not fair to you, she should have to face the consequences of her actions. He may look like a total loser to you, and if he is, she'll find out soon enough. Don't be judgmental, he must have some good aspects to him otherwise your ex girlfriend wouldn't like him. These years are critical for us, we grow alot, we learn alot about ourselves and what we want. Unfortunately for you, this is how it turned out. People's minds change all the time. But it's not the end of the world, and everything is going to be alright no matter what happens. Remember that, and keep yourself busy to get your mind off her, even if you will be thinking about her all the time. Focus on school, maybe start working out, spend more time with friends you didn't hang out with as much before because of her. I wouldn't try to jump into a relationship immediately, but warm up to the idea of dating once you get your stuff together.