Why do good relationships go bad?

[JustPassing]

This is something I've always wondered about..,

People often say that they've been in great relationships.... (I mean REALLY great relationships where both partners are in love and treat each other with respect, consideration etc, where both partners make plenty of time for one another, enjoy similar activities, are the best friends and can talk to each other about anything and everything)....and that those relationships have failed.

Why??

How can relationships like that fail? I can honestly say that I am deeply in love with my boyfriend, and he seems to love me deeply too... and the thought of it all coming to an end at some point strikes fear into the very core of my soul. Yet I know that failure is statistically the most likely outcome, be it in a month, a year, 2 years.

I guess I'm living in a fairytale land because my parents have such a happy marriage, went from being best friends at school to an inseparable duo and have now been happily married with not even a hiccup along the way for the best part of 30 years!

I just don't understand how two people in love, two people who are really in love, can ever lose that feeling and go there seperate ways...

So I'm asking all those out there who claim to have loved and lost, those that are still best friends with their ex.... what went wrong??

[Take2]

I have three stories.

The first was just bad timing, we both knew that once we got accepted to universities half a nation apart, we couldn't sustain the relationship. I also think there was the contributing factor that I confused emotional maturity with being boring and wanted more "adventure." If I could go back to that relationship with my current lifeview and understanding, I think it would work. But of course, you can't ever go back.

The second, we were only compatible within the confines of college life. With no adult responsibilities and all of the priviledges of adults, we did OK. The real world was cold water in the face. If I could go back to that relationship with my current lifeview and understanding, I'd probably end it a year or two sooner, but it was an excellent growing opportunity for both of us so no regrets.

The third, we thought that wanting the same things in life was the ssame thing as true compatibility. We were both in love with the idea of a happy marriage, neither really in tune with what we needed/wanted in a partner. We gave it a good go, but it was probably doomed from the start. If I could go back to that relationship with my current lifeview and understanding, I have no idea what I would do. I have these two amazing kids and I learned so much through my marriage...but it was a lot of heartache and it was never going to last forever. I guess I am really glad I don't have to go back on that one!

[YouAreBeautiful]

Just passing it sounds like the relationships people have been describing as really good relationships, are not actually really good relationships. To Take2 above for example, you say you had a great relationship but were not in tune with what we wanted/needed in a partner. We all have different perspectives of what makes a great relationship. While for this poster, a relationship where the two were not in tune with each other's wants and needs was something he/she considered great, to myself, and possibly to you, this is not a great relationship. I think these "great relationships" that end after a few years are not great relationships in every way though they may be good or great in a few ways.

[Raven_Skye]

Well.. I have only ever been in two relationships that count, one lasted 7 years and one around 2.. the first one was a guy that was my former best friends (in highschool we were best friends, she transferred and we kinda grew apart) brother.. we fell in love when we both were 18.. the first few years were amazing, we loved eachother beyond words, he'd go out of his way to do stuff for me, and I for him.. we moved in together when I was 20. First few years were good. Then, we started to take eachother for granted I guess, though him more than me. When I look back, I realize I turned into a doormat. He wanted to have things his way, eat what he wanted, when he wanted, go to bed when he wanted (even if that was AFTER I had to get up to go to university, meaning he often went to bed early in the morning when he didn't have to work), no matter how much it pained me. We'd have a talk about it, I'd express my feelings, how much it'd hurt me, he'd say ok I'll do better.. for about a week.
Anyway, in the end all he did was work, sit behind his pc, and that was it. If I wanted to spend time with him I'd have to sit beside him on the computer room, he'd even watch our favourite series alone on his pc when they came out instead of downstairs with me. Nice huh. Then he fell in love with a 14 year old girl via the computer, she lived in canada. Whatever. He was an *ss, and turned out to have a thing for underage girls. Good riddance. BUT, things with us turned so, that we became too comfortable with eachother, and hardly put in the effort anymore.
With the other guy I broke up with because he lived too far away and I found I couldn't move to England, not even for love.

But all relationships can end, you never know. People grow apart, people change, without meaning to. You'll never know when going into a relationship that it will last.. but if you never try, you'll never know. I am yet to have the faith to start up something new, but not looking yet because my previous break up has just been months. It takes time.

[xxazurexx]

We all go into relationships with the best of intentions. We all think our relationships are different and will succeed, where others fail.

What we want now, isn't what we may want in a few years down the line. People can change and they do. The person we are in love with at this moment in time, may turn into a person and over the years that we realise we don't love anymore. People get lazy and can start to take each other for granted and they can drift apart.

Also, things like a partner losing a job, a death in the family, having kids, etc, etc can all have an affect on a relationship and the people in it. Some people get through these trying times....some don't.

I wouldn't particularly say that any of my relationships had been 'perfect'....and my marriage was doomed from the start, lol. We didn't get on from day one and would argue over the least silly thing. But still, we went on to marry and were together ten years....but it didn't last.

My best relationship was my 'first'. I was besotted with this guy and he was the same with me. Of course, this was gonna last forever and nothing would come between us. We went nine months down the line, got engaged and suddenly he got 'cold feet'. From that point, things went downhill and we ended up parting. Looking back, we were too young. We were both 18 and neither of us had experienced anybody else, nor anything of life.

[JustPassing]

Firstly thanks for the replies.

Secondly, I understand somewhat where all you posters are coming from, but in truth I struggle to relate.

I guess to me a relationship where two partners both love each other, should be more like one between family members, aka unconditional. But I guess this is often not the case for family relationships either. I suppose that I've just been so lucky being so close to everyone in my family, that its hard for me to appreciate the unconditional love that often crops up in relationships.

[doppelgaenger]

Because, having a relationship is like chasing the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

[lexigon_5]

Good relationships don't go bad...bad relationships eventually reveal themselves as such.

@Justpassing Unconditional love does not apply to romantic relationships otherwise things like cheating and physical abuse could not be counted as reasons to end a relationship. In fact there could be no such thing as a good reason to end a relationship if you apply unconditional love in that context.
Unconditional love refers to Agape only, the love based on principle, like when someone risks their life to pull a total stranger from a burning building.

[Take2]

JustPassing, a romantic relationship takes work from both sides forever to be sustained. If one party checks out, it is over no matter what the other party wants to happen. Either side can give up and the whole thing crumbles. To keep sustaining a relationship is a lot of work, it is not surprising that many couples do not comprise 2 people with the strength and resolve to keep working at it forever. It is probably more surprising that so many relationships do survive, when you think about it!

Family relationships aren't really the same. There is often an imbalance of power and responsibility based on seniority in familial bonds, which actually makes them more stable than a relationship where both parties are equally responsible for maintaining the bond. And family bonds don't face the same stresses that marriages face: my mother lives hundreds of miles away and I see her on holidays and every couple of months for a few days, we don't have to agree on every major decision in both of our lives. I love my mother, but if I had to share that kind of closeness with her as an adult, one of us would not survive. I'm just sayin'.

[Nimrod44]

Firstly thanks for the replies.

Secondly, I understand somewhat where all you posters are coming from, but in truth I struggle to relate.

I guess to me a relationship where two partners both love each other, should be more like one between family members, aka unconditional. But I guess this is often not the case for family relationships either. I suppose that I've just been so lucky being so close to everyone in my family, that its hard for me to appreciate the unconditional love that often crops up in relationships.

Unconditional love might require people to put up with a lot of crap. Lots of people won't do that with family members or friends. You have been very lucky to have close family relationships. An ideal partnership would be like that but hard to acquire and maintain.

Good relationships go bad just like some friendships do. Circumstances for one or both can change (moves, jobs, health, other obligations, etc.). Individuals may grow in maturity at different rates and not deal with that well. One friend's relationship ended since she wanted another child and he didn't. That was a deal breaker.

[lexigon_5]

Agape: Love based on principle The highest form of love
Phileo: Friendship affection
Storge: Family affection
Eros: Romantic love

What makes marriage the most challenging of all relationships is that it's the only union between 2 people that requires all four of these to be in perfect balance.
So yes, it's right that unconditional love crops up in relationships, but to unconditionally forgive someone who cheats for example is a missaplication of the term because "Eros" is not unconditional.

[cloudfa]

time for the bitter truth. your man has to stop himself from orgasm to give you longer sex. if he cant stop, you have to stop for him cause once he's done, the relationship is done.

[Rminhammer]

Relationships almost always end up going bad unless there really the one for you..love is a game

[thundersw]

I believe those relationships fail because the couple believes they're "one". But in my opinion that's not true, they're two individuals with a common interests and a common objective in life.
They may crack due to your partner act or reacts to a situation that you were not expcting he/she would react from the image of him/her you have in your mind.
Parents that have life-long relationships have learned to accept differences in their partner, and not always fight to the last drop of who is right or wrong. Like the media tells in the movies.
Tolerance and being humble just to ease the fights when they get to harder, I believe that's the keyword. And respect.
And then forget about those things and do not live with a guilty conscience. This is not a trait in modern couples I believe.

[twinrexes]

You said, "I guess I'm living in a fairytale land because my parents have such a happy marriage, went from being best friends at school to an inseparable duo and have now been happily married with not even a hiccup along the way for the best part of 30 years!"

I've read that statistically only 2% of us grow up in healthy, "functional" family situations. Either you're one of that 2% or your parents never let on in front of you that they had conflicts. Couples who endure the test of time are couples who have great communication and have learned to resolve their differences and conflicts with skill. Not even a hiccup? I doubt it. If you never saw them disagree or struggle with any part of their relationship, then I expect they were hiding something from you. Or they're one of those "polite" couples who are secretly unhappy.

Anyway, if your family is generally that close and content, then lucky you. You'll probably have a much easier time than the rest of us having success in relationships, intimate and otherwise.