Extremely tough relationship, is it worth it?

[liamchico]

New to the forum. I'm kind of desperate, so thought I'd post something and see what everyone thinks.

Okaay, short version:
I met this girl over a year ago, basically through our parents' old friendship and a lot of luck. We got along one night when she was in town, but then she left and we didn't speak for 6 months. after that we became friends, and then more than friends. I am 18, she is 17. She lives in Texas, I live in Massachusetts. VERY long distance indeed. We eventually spent a few weeks together. That was 4 months ago. We have been together for almost 11 months now, and love each other very much (obviously). We would really like to stay together for as long as we possibly can. Call it true love if you want

Here is the problem, or problemS rather.
1. Long distance. It's very hard. We probably won't see each other again until next summer, and even that will likely be just for a week or two of not even seeing each other every day. But that's really the best I have to look forward to.

2. Her parents. She's 17 and still lives at home. Her parents are extremely strict and very conservative as well (I am a fairly liberal atheist, so they basically hate my guts and despise the fact that their daughter is with me). At the moment, we are allowed to speak on the phone for half an hour two days per week. Skype, facebook, IM, anything like that is not allowed. She does not have a cell phone either. We email and chat on facebook and skype anyway, but it is always a bit scary that they will find out. Also, I was considering spending quite a bit of money to visit her over Christmas break, but her parents would not even allow that anyway. Basically, they are my worst nightmare. I cannot for the life of me understand why they are so nasty, unhelpful and coldhearted. It makes everything so much worse.

3. I feel bad for mentioning this one. She is also very conservative, like her parents. Not an issue for me except for one thing. She wants to wait until marriage for sex. Since we're young, I may as well not even think about that. I respect her decision, but it means a ton to me. After this long, I desperately want to be close to her that way. It is so very hard to know that it will not happen anytime soon, if ever.

So yeah. It's safe to say I have cried myself to sleep plenty of times because of all three of these things. We have reached a point where neither of us is very happy anymore, and it's only getting worse.
I'm considering trying to reason with her parents, but that would be tricky and risk making things worse. We are basically out of options. if we do call it quits, it would break both our hearts for sure. Maybe there's a chance we would get back together down the road, when she is more independent and we don't have to deal with her parents' rules anymore?

Any ideas would be great. I'm completely lost.
Thank you...

POLL:
1) stick it out
2) end it and move on
3) try any desperate thing I can think of before giving up
4) break up but stay friends and hope it works out later

[warriormaiden]

Do NOT talk to her parents. They already have preconceived ideas about you, and it will ONLY make it worse.
Trust me on this, I have parents just like HERS, and my boyfriend (who, was not only an agnostic drinking, partying sex fiend, he was also super older than me!) and he tried to prove himself and to show them that he WASN'T what they thought he was, and they shut him down the minute he walked in through the door. I was cringing through the entire ordeal.


I feel like this could work really well for you two, but like all relationships, you have some obstacles. The least of those, is the sex.

I'm sure you two could weather it out for a bit longer, if you really stick true to each other. Or maybe just end it for now, remain in touch, and then hook back up when college comes up for her, and she can leave the home of her parents!

I feel you on this one, because I've been sorta in the same boat. I hope things go well for you.

[gigigi4]

i voted you guys should stay together too...
that being said, do you guys have plans to start college and move out of parents' home soon? because i feel like if she is planning to continue living at home after turning 18 and there is no chance you guys could apply to the same colleges or something and move closer together or at least be independent to talk/visit when you want, then it might prove to be too tough to make it work--- imagine 4 more years of the same situation? but as you have genuine love for each other and are close to that age when you can move out on your own, i think you could try to stick it out for a little longer...good luck to you, i also hope things go well for you!

[liamchico]

Unfortunately college will not change things much. I'm already at a school in MA, and she was just accepted to her top choice... still in texas. She is moving out of her house though, so we will have lots more freedom when it comes to talking.

[gigigi4]

i haven't been in a long distance relationship but it seems like communication is super important when you can't see each other often...so it's definitely an improvement if her parents won't be monitoring her & keeping you from talking...but still tough...

[xxazurexx]

You are 18, she is 17...

Maybe they think she's way too youing and to be involved in relationships with guys at her age.

[Boisdevie]

I don't think you can have a 'relationship' over that kind of distance - you never get to see each other so what's the point? My advice - find someone who lives closer.

[reeba]

...my boyfriend (who, was not only an agnostic drinking, partying sex fiend, he was also super older than me!)

geesh, and you wonder why your parents didn't like your bf. even you have nothing good to say about him. obviously you are in a rebellion stage agaisnt your parents and your upbringing. hope you don't do anything irreversably stupid/ harmful in the process of rebelling.

by the way i voted 'break up'. you are 18. are you thinking you want to be with this girl for the rest of your life? if not, then why put yourself through this torture. find someone nearby. long distance relationships suck, are statistically doomed, and relationships at 18 are also statistically doomed. go out and have fun, and learn through dating others what you are looking for in a wife when you are more like 30 years old.

[Raven_Skye]

I voted stay together, before I actually realized how large the distance is. I only thought about her moving out with her parents when starting college.. then it would be fine, but this distance is just not to be done, really. I've recently come out of a long distance relationship, I loved him to bits, but I couldn't see us settle down together, he just bought a house and he started talking about me living there eventually and I just realized I could not leave my country, or family. So I broke up, cause it wasn't fair to string either of us along anymore.

If you think you can stick with it through college and then move in together afterwards, fine.. talk about if you guys would be willing to. Even if it sounds too early, these are things to be discussed.
Plus, for me the sex thing would be a big no-no. Seriously, waiting to be married, who does that anymore? That would perhaps pressure yoiu to get married too soon.. or have a relationship wthout sex, which, I don't know about you, but for me is out of the question. I love sex and could not live without it.. ehh.. currently I'm kind of in forced celibacy for not having a guy in my life, but hey. Principally, I can't be with someone and not have sex with them.. but she might change her ideas about this when she moves out from the influence of her parents.. she's only 17.

[liamchico]

They certainly have her best interests in mind, they're not just trying to be nasty. For one, they simply don't like me. Neither of them would ever be happy even being friends with someone like me, so I guess they feel that I'm not the best thing for their daughter. They are very concerned that she is spending too much time on me and not enough on school as well, although I suspect that's simply a convenient excuse some of the time. Partly they do think that we are becoming too close for people our age and that serious relationships should not be in the picture until much later.

[liamchico]

geesh, and you wonder why your parents didn't like your bf. even you have nothing good to say about him. obviously you are in a rebellion stage agaisnt your parents and your upbringing. hope you don't do anything irreversably stupid/ harmful in the process of rebelling.

by the way i voted 'break up'. you are 18. are you thinking you want to be with this girl for the rest of your life? if not, then why put yourself through this torture. find someone nearby. long distance relationships suck, are statistically doomed, and relationships at 18 are also statistically doomed. go out and have fun, and learn through dating others what you are looking for in a wife when you are more like 30 years old.

I certainly know what you're saying. It's what I'm afraid of. That we're too young and inexperienced. She is, after all, my first serious girlfriend. But yes, we really do think we were made for each other.Otherwise I would definitely not be making myself go through all this...

[warriormaiden]

geesh, and you wonder why your parents didn't like your bf. even you have nothing good to say about him. obviously you are in a rebellion stage agaisnt your parents and your upbringing. hope you don't do anything irreversably stupid/ harmful in the process of rebelling.

Well of course I have nothing good to say about him NOW, the idiot cheated on me! Suffice to say, after three years, we are no longer together.

And I was in a rebellious stage, I was 17. I'm 20 now, I've come a long way since then.

[VincenzoG91]

You are both going to meet a lot of other people in college. It's unrealistic to sustain a relationship with such a flimsy basis over such a long distance for years, particularly during college. Seriously, you two have only met once! That isn't a basis for a relationship. And then there is the difference in values, which is pretty important, because even if you get to see her again, you are likely to be disappointed in what you are able to do together.

You probably don't want to hear any of that, so at least consider this: how about you two just stay in touch as friends for now. If you two are both single when you finish college, maybe then you can discuss the possibility of moving to the same city and then try dating. Until then, you can both be free to date people who actually live nearby. This will probably happen anyway, but you could avoid some hard feelings by agreeing to it in advance.

[liamchico]

I voted stay together, before I actually realized how large the distance is. I only thought about her moving out with her parents when starting college.. then it would be fine, but this distance is just not to be done, really. I've recently come out of a long distance relationship, I loved him to bits, but I couldn't see us settle down together, he just bought a house and he started talking about me living there eventually and I just realized I could not leave my country, or family. So I broke up, cause it wasn't fair to string either of us along anymore.

If you think you can stick with it through college and then move in together afterwards, fine.. talk about if you guys would be willing to. Even if it sounds too early, these are things to be discussed.
Plus, for me the sex thing would be a big no-no. Seriously, waiting to be married, who does that anymore? That would perhaps pressure yoiu to get married too soon.. or have a relationship wthout sex, which, I don't know about you, but for me is out of the question. I love sex and could not live without it.. ehh.. currently I'm kind of in forced celibacy for not having a guy in my life, but hey. Principally, I can't be with someone and not have sex with them.. but she might change her ideas about this when she moves out from the influence of her parents.. she's only 17.

Thank you. Yes, we have seriously talked about getting married after college or down the road. Seems childish, but we really want to.
She's my first relationship, so yes I am a virgin. I don't even know what I'm missing. That doesn't help one bit. "who does that anymore?" HAHA! Texas. Enough said. I just think sex is incredibly important, not just fun. I know that she want to do that with me, and she has changed a lot in the time we've been together. Without going into details, her limits have 'shifted'. But still no sex. She is absolutely determined on that one.
Question: How important do you guys think sex is compared to just being very intimate in other ways? Would that be enough, or is all-out sex really just THAT much better?

[Junket]

Why are you talking about sex?

You can't even grab a burger with her if you wanted to, sex is not exactly something to be concerned about right now.