culture clash

[ecojeanne]

Hey everyone, long time no comment

happy thanksgiving to all

eh well i always come here when i'm having 'issues'. thankfully life has been going ok these days but my muslim bf of 6 months is causing me some bother. he wants to marry me. i don't want to for lots of various reasons. 1) i have assets and i want to protect them. 2) i want to live together as a practice run first anyway to see if we can actually live with each other 3) i'm personally against marriage anyway coz its all just about informing the religious orders and the government...and i see it's none of their business. his culture wants marriage. mine doesn't require it. he will be living in my culture...what is the best way forward here?

oh yes and my parents are terrified he is the 'sterotypical' muslim (in their minds they think he will control me and kidnap me back to his country and keep in a dark room having 10 kids and him having more wives!) haha a bit of an exaggeration but you catch my drift, they are worried about the situation because he is muslim.

i'm getting this pressure from everywhere when all i want is to spend time with him and enjoy each other as a couple for another year and then see. my assets are my future life and marrying would be a mistake from that point of view coz even a prenup may entitle him to something if after we find we can't continue together....ugh so frikin complicated!

[Boisdevie]

He will either have to change or you will have to change yours. Are either of you prepared to do that because if not it's not gonna work.

[Mish]

Marriage is a big thing in the muslim culture, in many countries you are not allowed to see each other let alone live together without marriage. This wouldn't be just his perspective, but a perspective of his family and all close relatives and their friends living in your country or back home. This is not going to be easy to resolve the pressure will be there and in the end something will have to give, you will have to succumb either to the pressure from your or his family, so choose wisely.

[kopite]

For me the concept of marriage is important. When just living together if one of you has enough you can walk out but if you are married then that's a binding agreement. I think he personally wouldn't mind just living together and the pressure is perhaps coming from his family. I had a friend in a similar situation (also Asian btw) and he said his family would 'lose face' if he just moved in with his gf. Marriage at least shows the 2 persons are binded by law ect... '

Id just be straight with him on how you feel about marriage. At the end of the day it's about you 2 and not his or anyones family.

[pink princess]

He will either have to change or you will have to change yours

[qwertz]

6 months isnt long- you need to live together first to see if it works and then have the marriage talk further down the line.

[xxazurexx]

For me the concept of marriage is important. When just living together if one of you has enough you can walk out but if you are married then that's a binding agreement. I think he personally wouldn't mind just living together and the pressure is perhaps coming from his family. I had a friend in a similar situation (also Asian btw) and he said his family would 'lose face' if he just moved in with his gf. Marriage at least shows the 2 persons are binded by law ect... '

Id just be straight with him on how you feel about marriage. At the end of the day it's about you 2 and not his or anyones family.

Somehow I can't see the pressure coming from his family to marry her - and assuming and especially if she is white and Christian/Catholic. It's usually a big 'no no' and to marry outside of the culture and religion....so if they are aware of her and he's told them that he wants to marry her, they must be pretty lax and accepting of it. If they are lax enough to accept her as a daughter in law, they are likely relaxed enough and to not care if he's living with her.

I know of a situation similar. Guy ran off with a girl and the mum said he was no longer her son. Once she became aware the girl he ran off with was half Asian though, different story. She begged him to take her home and marry her.

[xxazurexx]

Also, is this the same guy who would never remain with you overnight and he always disappeared early hours of the morning?

Did you ever find out where he was disappearing too?

[Jman39]

my gf is an albanian muslim, im a korean christian... no way in hell id be able to marry her with her parents being okay with it... its a really tough situation im in, but ill give my advice anyway- dont force urself to do anything... wait and see how things go, and when ur ready, decide where it gets divided.... u can succumb to him, or he needs to give up his ways....

for me personally, my gf loves her family and has repsect, but at the same time isnt religious... weve talked abotu our future, and frankly, im not gonna convert to islam, and i dont expect her to convert to christianity either... but she WILL have to leave her family and rtrust in me, or it just wont work out...

[Confused81]

That's a tricky situation, I would not under any circumstances even be thinking about marriage until you had been together for 3 years. That's a good amount of time to get to know somebody and their true colours shine through. If you didn't know him for long before you got together then there's a very good possibility that he (or you) aren't 100% yourselves with each other yet. When you get to the stage where you are completely comfortable and can be yourselves then you may find that you don't actually get along as well as you thought you did.

I'd be really careful especially if you have assets and he doesn't. You've woorked hard to get get your assets and get to where you are, make one rash decision and you can lose it so quickly.

[vashti]

I wouldn't even want to live with someone after only six months, let alone marry him. Take your time.

[VincenzoG91]

It's been a long time since I read the Qur'an, but from what I remember, a muslim male can marry a non-muslim female, with the expectation that she will soon convert. But a muslim female cannot marry a non-muslim male, no exceptions.

[Confused81]

It's been a long time since I read the Qur'an, but from what I remember, a muslim male can marry a non-muslim female, with the expectation that she will soon convert. But a muslim female cannot marry a non-muslim male, no exceptions.

Nope not true.

I guy I used to work with who couldn't have been further from Muslim if he tried, married a muslim female. Her family forced him to convert before they married though.

[vashti]

Nope not true.

I guy I used to work with who couldn't have been further from Muslim if he tried, married a muslim female. Her family forced him to convert before they married though.

If he converted, then he IS a Muslim.

[doppelgaenger]

hey ecojeanne, i'm glad to hear things are going well for you.
i know all about culture clash after dating a few foreign girls... i'm actually reading a german radio play about it right now.

you guys are simply going to have to compromise all this to make your relationship work out. i think people in general would lose respect for you if you gave into your own personal views to make a relationship work out. i know you're respecting his views and not judging him for this, but that doesn't mean you have to marry him to satisfy/appease him. remember what's important - communication, respect, compatibility. you will both have to make sacrifices, but don't lose sight of your personal goals.