Can you trust someone who has one night stands?

[manlystanly]

The woman I'm with now, we were friends for a long time. Last year I was married and I was out with my brother in law, this girl friend of mine came out to eat dinner with us. Well, dinner turned into drinks and bar hopping, and eventually we all went back to her place to hang out. I had noticed some very light touching between them throughout the night and admittedly I was jealous. Yes, I was jealous, I was married but we'd been having trouble for a while and on the edge of divorce and although this woman was just a friend and had been for years I guess I had began having feelings for her. See, in the past when I was out with her it was her casually touching me, or dancing with me. So anyway, when the time came in the evening for us to leave I said lets go, she said oh you can go if you need to but he can stay. I looked at him and his face lit up, of course.

So the next morning comes and he calls me for a ride. I picked him up and he informs me he "banged the shit out of her". Two nights later he and I were supposed to go out and I get to the bar to meet him and she is there. This night she pays very little attention to me and they were all over each other and went back to her place for a litlle you know what...

Well this guy is in the military and his leave was two days later. They didn't correspond back and forth, she told me then that she had written him a letter but he never responded. I talked to him and he said he just didn't feel like maintaining a relationship while overseas and it was just sex. I asked her about it repeatedly and she says she never intended for a relationship. I asked her how she could allow herself to be used for sex, be so easy. She got offended and always says that she was using him because she knew he was leaving. Says it was just sex. I don't understand this "just sex" thing. It means something to me and I am only attracted to the person I'm with, but I see her check guys out all the damn time. When I ask her about it she says she just looks at people but isn't thinking...naughty thoughts. I just don't know if I can trust her and its been over a year since those two hooked up.

[manlystanly]

I posted this in here because I'd like to know how women feel about one or two nighters. Is a woman trustworthy if she can say "its just sex"? I feel like a person who can think that might think, "well its just sex what he doesn't know won't hurt him"

[girl68]

What you're failing to realize is that people are allowed to have different opinions on sex. You think sex isn't just physical. They disagree. That's really all there is to it.

And you TOTALLY judged her when you have no right. She's down for getting her jollies off and you called her easy in an offensive way. Leave her alone, find a girl that isn't up for no strings sex god knows they're the MAJORITY.

[manlystanly]

Is that not what we all do when someone does something we don't understand or agree with, judge them?? I'm not saying that she should be more like me, but that behavior because I don't understand it has made me wonder how much I can trust a woman who doesn't feel like her body is something to be earned. Its a feeling that I thought would go away but because of our other troubles recently its popping up in my mind again. I have a fear of being used, and women can be devious I've learned...so so sweet to your face, make you believe all is as it should be. Meanwhile youre taking her out, helping with a bill here a bill there, buying gifts, helping around the house....all while she's stringing you along waiting for the next guy...or sometimes she even starts messing with the next guy but keeps you strung along as a fall back in case things go south. Tells you she wants personal space, but also that EVERYTHING is ok, and in actuality that "personal" space is used to kindle a new relationship...

[girl68]

Is that not what we all do when someone does something we don't understand or agree with, judge them??

Ummm no! I ask why, try to understand may or may never agree but that doesn't mean I pass negative judgement on them- like you did!

how much I can trust a woman who doesn't feel like her body is something to be earned.

So you think that becasue someone had sex without feelings is forever untrustworthy? I think that's a pathetic reason not to trust. What you *should* be saying is that I disagree with her morals/ views on sex and therefore deem us incompatible.

You're getting played and attempting to view all women as player. You better cut that shit out, and dump her.

[Nimrod44]

Wow, you've been going out with the wrong women if you feel they can be devious. Though I do agree some are and know how to use men. There are some men like that too.

As for the woman in question, who knows why she is so free and willing to have sex with anyone for fun. Some (men and women) do it because of a high drive and see it as another bodily need to be satisfied. Some do it out of a need to be with someone, even briefly, to stop from being lonely. A few think their only value is their body. It gets then attention and appreciation. Others may even think it's a way to a relationship (if we have sex he/she will love me.) There are lots of reasons why people have sex right away or for recreation.

You aren't the woman in question and don't know why she has sex with anyone. What she did happened over a year ago. Why are you still thinking about this? She clearly isn't the type of woman for you. Stop thinking about what (and who) she did and stay away from her.

[manlystanly]

that sounded harsher than I meant it. I don't try to judge people, or her for what she's done in the past, I just don't understand the behavior. I'm probably just insecure and I realize that so I don't want to jump to rash actions like leaving her, it did after all happen over a year ago but I know it wasn't her only one. Another part of her behavior that bothers me in conjunction with that is that she is always asking me for reassurance that I won't cheat on her, especially when she's drunk she says that one day I'll cheat on her. She says that she accuses me of that because she's been cheated on several times in the past. I can't help but think its her own guilty desires or actions that fire her fears....but I know I could be (and probably) wrong though.

[vashti]

I don't think she did anything wrong. She was not in a committed relationship at the time, and believe it or not, some women have needs. They also have different agendas at different times in their lives, which may or may not include serious relationships.

Personally, I'd be more worried if she had a history of being unable to maintain monogamy while in an exclusive relationship.

[VincenzoG91]

OP, why are you judging her and not him? Double standard much? Why is it okay for a man to have "just sex" but not a woman? Why can't it be okay for both of them or not okay for both of them? I think that it's okay for anybody single to just have sex, but once there is a committed relationship, they should keep the sex with their partner.

[manlystanly]

Thanks, Vashti. Let me be clear, I don't think she actually did something "wrong", just something I never have agreed with or understood. She claims she's never cheated on someone but that everyone she's been committed to has cheated on her, I know people have bad experiences but I do find that hard to believe in the literal sense.

Anywho, thanks for all your replies!

[manlystanly]

OP, why are you judging her and not him? Double standard much? Why is it okay for a man to have "just sex" but not a woman? Why can't it be okay for both of them or not okay for both of them? I think that it's okay for anybody single to just have sex, but once there is a committed relationship, they should keep the sex with their partner.

Why would anyone accuse me of double standards?? I never said it was different for each gender. I said I don't understand it, from anyone. But perhaps I will someday after being single for a while. I'm not here to judge anyone, especially those I don't know.
I know a couple that believes in honesty, not monogomy. They both agree that if they meet someone they want to have sex with its ok so long as they tell the other person about it. That is just weird to me. Suppose I'm just a "traditionalist" and not nearly progressive enough.

[VincenzoG91]

My bad, thought you were giving your buddy a free pass on the just sex. For what it's worth, I'm just as traditional as you are regarding monogamy, I can't wrap my head around an open relationship, even an honest one.

[Nimrod44]

Thanks, Vashti. Let me be clear, I don't think she actually did something "wrong", just something I never have agreed with or understood. She claims she's never cheated on someone but that everyone she's been committed to has cheated on her, I know people have bad experiences but I do find that hard to believe in the literal sense.

Anywho, thanks for all your replies!

She sounds like a woman who is very insecure. Some people like this, as I mentioned before, have sex (one night stands) because they don't want to be alone. Sex is the way they connect with someone. Maybe once she's in a relationship her past comes back to haunt her. Maybe the men she has dated figure she won't mind if they screw around since she did. Maybe she is "committing" to men who aren't on the same page. She might get so clingy and needy in a relationship that the guys just back out any way they can.

If you can't agree with or understand her past behavior you two shouldn't be together. This issue will always be on the back of your mind.

[MerryH]

It's like you think she's some kind of devious, dirty, whore who will cheat on you at the drop of a hat or something. If this is only based on the fact that she's had some one night stands in the past, then you're being pretty unreasonable. Just because she was "easy" before doesn't mean she will cheat on you now. You shouldn't associate the two.

You're completely allowed to disagree with casual sex, but you chose to be with her even though you knew her history. To be questioning your trust in her now (or since the beginning) is sort of senseless. Either get over it or break up with her. She can't change her past, so it's unfair to hold it against her.

Also:

I asked her how she could allow herself to be used for sex, be so easy.

I hope you've learned your lesson about saying hurtful shit like this. For your own sake, don't ever say anything like that again.

[xxazurexx]

Uhm, can I just say that I had a couple of one night stands in my youth - didn't mean I was some dirty whore who puts it about with everyone and I've NEVER cheated in an exclusive relationship. I'm probably one of the most loyal, trustworthy and faithful people on the planet.