Like A Boyfriend Without Sex

[TygerTyger]

Hi everyone...thanks for taking the time to read this.


I'm 43 and spent a few months doing the online dating thing this year. I haven't been out in the dating world for about 13 years so this is all new, very strange territory.

The one experience I wanted to get some insight into is about a guy I went out with one night..we had a great time..completely on each other's wavelength, talked and laughed until two am, totally comfortable with one another. At the end of the night I was completely sold, and he told me there was "no spark" but that I was a great person and we need to keep hanging out together, have coffee, talk about our dating adventures, etc. I was crushed, because I really liked this guy. I actually asked him...what was not working for him? His reply was that he had "alot of weird friends" which I took to meant on one level or another maybe I just wasn't his style of girl.

I drove home feeling crummy and not too happy about the "let's hang out" thing. I didn't want to hear about his dating stories or other women. But, as you know, we are all human..and I really liked him, so we started to hang out...he'd come over to my house, we watch movies, go to movies, plays, make dinner, get coffee, help with my computer, essentially it's almost turned into this sexless boyfriend situation. He's also completely dominated my Facebook entries, popping in and starting long threads, instant messaging me, suggesting things to do during the week. If anything, I've at this point been on cruise control just watching him make 100% of the effort joining me to go to events and whatnot.

I was off Facebook one day last week, just one full day, and I get this message from him worried if I was OK. So clearly there's some sort of attachment.

The few times we do talk about dating, he's mentioned that the women he's chosen to date all want to have sex very quickly, and he breaks it off with them. To him, he has to be in love to have sex, which is a very unusual (although admirable) point of view from a man these days. He says he likes to take a long long time evaluating someone, seeing if he even gets along with them, how they act together, just not rushing into things. Apparently he's been lectured about his hesitancy.

He's never once made any moves with me..it's never moved beyond exactly where it's been. I once told him I liked him, just to put it out there, and he said I was a "great hang"...great to hang out with. End of discussion.

So, if I try to think of my question here..I guess it's "is this normal or common for men?" To want to spend this much time with someone but have no desire to take it to another level? I have never once said another word about it, but it's been a struggle sometimes to contain my desire. He wants to hang out so much.

Also, his hugs are even stand off-ish..my other guys friends give a full body hug, he only hugs from the shoulder so there's no "boob contact" hahahahha!

Anyway, I know this isnt super exciting or even that big of a deal, but if anyone has anything to add, please do!

Thanx again

[hilda]

Wow this does sound a little odd to me, he definately sounds attached, which is really unfair on you. Do you think he might be gay, maybe doesnt realise it? How do you think he will feel if you get romantically attached to someone else?

My friend's husband does the weird avoid boob contact hug, I think he does it because he cant trust himself around women.

[hello1]

I think he may be gay

[Boisdevie]

I'm a 46 year old male and got back into the dating 'game' in February after 8 years with my ex. My take is that this guy has problems. He likes being around you but he doesn't want to take it further. Why not? What is he scared of? Sometimes you have sex with somebody and then fall in love with them. I think you really need to talk to him because this sounds a bit wierd. But good luck. Getting out 'there' again isn't always easy.

[xxazurexx]

I was involved with a guy who was the same and for 3 years. Couldn't seem to let go of me, but didn't want to take it another level either and I couldn't figure it out.

He wasn't gay either....

I dunno. If they have that strong of an attachment, then why not take it to the level?

It's kinda similar to the guy who has a female friend and she won't let him go either - but doesn't want a relationship.

Personally I think it's because they are not physically attracted, but you clcik on all other levels.

You must have something and for him to keep hanging on.

Unfair on you however.

[TygerTyger]

Thanks for all the replies already!

There's another twist, which maybe I should have mentioned...he is married..although living separately, meaning separate beds and lives. I know..this in and of itself is a deal breaker, so it's all the better I just observe all this from a distance. I've asked him a few times about the situation, and been to his home, actually when she was away for a week. I don't get the impression he's sneaking around, lying about anything. A few months back he was trying to pursue some lady half his age and she wasnt interested, and he spoke about this openly on Facebook to friends, so he doesnt hide the fact he's looking around.

The gay thing..this has been mentioned before. I am not getting any noticeable "gay vibes" but I know you "can't always tell" or assume stereotypical behavior. Somehow I don't think it's a gay thing..but like in one previous post..I'm not his "type", but we get along on so many other levels.

Also...he is not comfortable talking alot about sex...not relationships and sex in that context, but graphically, like if I gravitate into off color jokes or just more guy talk sex stuff..."I don't need to know the details" he'll say if I start getting a bit too personal with details about anything. I said what, are you shy? He says "I'm just a gentleman." I also pay attention to the sort of sex oriented jokes that might crop up..there is definitely this theme of "protecting himself"..he jokes about someone pulling a knife out on him in bed, or reacts strongly if something we talk about relates even in a joking way to a penis getting injured or hurt, cut off..whatever..it's definitely raised my eyebrows.

"If there's a girl I like I would prefer to have sex with her often..like several times a day if possible..if there's any question about my sex drive.." he said once. Interesting! Who said it needed to be questioned?

On a more serious note, his mom has been married about 7 times, and one of the stepfathers was very verbally abusive to her, and physically abusive to him as a kid. He seems to take all this in stride, but I think his cavalier attitude is covering something up, maybe some deeper hurt.

As far as how he would feel if I started dating someone else? I honestly don't think he'd care..he left a great "review" for me on the dating site we met (which of course was nice, but hurt because he's trying to sell me to other guys out there) and has said how great a person I am and how he really wishes I find someone soon and that he hopes I am having better luck than he is. So he doesn't care.

Anyway, thank you for the replies..I'll continue reading thru them!

[xxazurexx]

I think if he was gay, you'd know. I can spot a gay man a mile off....manners, behaviour, tone of voice are all giveaways - I doubt he's gay, lol - if he was 'gay' I reckon he'd likely have told you he was and if you two are such good and close friends.

I think I'd also believe him when he says he and wife go there seperate ways. Doubt he'd be on Facebook putting himself about and if he was still with the wife, for the wife would find out and through friends he was on there.

I started to wonder and if the guy in my situation could be married though. He is long distance (2 hours) from me and I've never been to his hometown. I'd met him online too. He just wouldn't leave me alone and constantly called me - yet made no effort to come and see me.

In the end it got too much and I told him how I was feeling, said that I couldn't continue on as friends and because I was unable to move on and I cut off the friendship. But he reappeared four months later and at a time where I'd just about moved on and so it was back to square one and again, going nowhere. I've just cut the friendship off again - I can't be arsed being in that situation anymore.

Sometimes you have to think of yourself and if you are torturing yourself by remaining in this friendship, then maybe you should call a halt on the friendship and before he eventually does meet someone else - you will save yourself a lot of pain and hurt. Explain to him your reasons for wanting out. If you can just do the friends thing though, then I guess just remain a friend.

[TygerTyger]

I am struggling..believe me..with the "ending things" part. As it's turned out we are amazingly compatible as friends. I have a rule that I have established this year with all the new people I am meeting..and that is a question I ask myself: "Is this man enhancing my life?" Is this person, whoever he is, offering me more positive in my life than negative. I have had other men this year I have let go, I don't need their friendship and also another married man who wanted to start something but he was doing it behind his wife's back. These were not worth keeping around in any capacity. Mostly because I felt they had issues with their personal ethics that were a turn off.



So there's that risk I take. At some point he may hook up with someone, and that's going to be the turning point, I won't be able to endure it at all anymore.

[sweetkissesforu]

Maybe he is affraid of a commitment

[xxazurexx]

As it's turned out we are amazingly compatible as friends....

Sounds then that you have no problem doing the 'friends' thing.

[MadMardegan]

Maybe he's scared of rejection or something. Maybe he has some insecurities with his body. Just guessing here but who knows.

[TygerTyger]

What's happened is I decided to allow myself to be stuck in the "friends zone." He's out dating other women. I guess I've just never been in a situation where it's really going to be permanent friends and yet someone wanting me to be around all the time. I think what's happening is I am a sort of "bridge" until he finally meets someone he likes. Maybe he's my bridge, too.

[xxazurexx]

What's happened is I decided to allow myself to be stuck in the "friends zone." He's out dating other women. I guess I've just never been in a situation where it's really going to be permanent friends and yet someone wanting me to be around all the time. I think what's happening is I am a sort of "bridge" until he finally meets someone he likes. Maybe he's my bridge, too.

Me neither. I'd never been stuck in a situation of friends, yet at same time it seems more than friends. And I couldn't figure out why he'd hang on and demand so much of my time, yet he didn't want to move on to the next level.

But yeah you may be right. You are more than likely a bridge and until someone else comes along.

To be 100% honest, that is why I've let go off the friendship with the guy in my situation....I'm suspecting there is someone else. The past 2 weeks, he hasn't been calling so much and I'm just recieving a text here and there, which I stopped replying too. Normally and if I didn't reply, he'd be on phone instant wanting to know what's up - this time he hasn't. So yeah, he's defo got his mind on other things and there is also other stuff that points to the fact he has someone else. He is acting in a totally different way and the total opposite, to the way he's been acting the past 3 years and it's for a reason and it's nothing I've done wrong.

So I'm now facing what I tried to desperately avoid and run from - the day he'd meet someone else. And I could've avoided the hurt, had I ended it and I'd stayed away for good.

If you are upset by the thoughts that one day he might meet someone else, you are best off ending it I think. But it's up to you.

[Boisdevie]

He was pursuing a woman half his age? Sounds a bit wierd to me to be honest.

[TygerTyger]

Yeah, around the time when we first met. This is what I DIDN'T want to sit around and hear about over coffee. She's a fellow musician, fresh out of college. He was smitten with her and would lament to me that she wasn't interested. I said "You're a 43 year old married man." He didn't seem to think the age difference mattered. Or the fact that he has yet to disentangle himself from a marriage.

I told him I thought it was funny to sit there and give him advice about another woman, because "I like you." His reply was "Uhhh..that was subtle." And that he simply considered me a "really great hang."

I'm a "great hang, folks!" Anyone want to hang? Because apparently I'm really good at it!

Heck, I know it's a dead end. My feelers are out for other potential candidates, although almost a whole year of online dating has sort of fried my noggin.