advice: being open vs taking things slow

[knight4u29]

Hi I would like some relationship advice.

I must admit I never really understood girls lol and I was single for a long time (due to me being very introverted) until I was 24. Then I had a really good four year relationship with my now ex girlfriend. We lived together for most of the time and I feel I am a better person because of it and it helped become more open,confident and less introverted. We drifted apart for various reasons and found that in the end perhaps we didn't have as much in common as before. Still I feel that it was a learning experience that should help me for the future. We met at work and we also went to university together and graduated together.

Anyway I have started going on internet dating sites I am stuck in a strange city with few friends (I had moved there with my ex) and thought it would be a good way to meet people. I have been on dates with lots of girls, some of them ended up being third and fourth dates. However one of the criticisms that I got was that maybe I am not open enough, that I didn't state clearly how I felt and wasn't forward enough. I admit this was a problem. On one occasion a girl invited me back to her place to watch a dvd. The dvd player in the living room was broken so she took me upstairs and we sat on the bed and watched it but I was too scared to even hug her thinking "oh this might be too foward". So turns out nothing ever came of that. On another occasion I was told after a few dates that "going out with me was just like going out with a friend" and she was unsure as to how to progress it further. We agreed just to be friends and leave it like that.

Now I had given up on internet dating and decided to move back to my home town but then I messaged a girl who I seemed to have a lot in common with. We hit it off online and talked for hours. We went on our first date and decided to go to a concert. For the moment I laid eyes on here, I knew I really liked it. Everytime she smiled at me I felt butterflies in my stomach. Anyway she tended to talk quite a lot so I listened to her which suited me as I am a quiet person. However I decided to be more open and told her I thought she was beautiful and I liked her smile etc. During the concert she told me she had "a good feeling" about us and then kissed me. She then seemed a little shocked and apologised and said "sorry but it felt right". She kissed me a few more times after that. I then hugged her during the concert and she put my arm around her waist and seemed to enjoy me holding her. I walked her home and that was that.

Then the next day she told me the date was perhaps "too intense" and next time we should do something more lighthearted. She also said we should just "take it light" and "see how it goes". She also told me to stop complimenting her as she "wasn't perfect" and it "put her on a pedestal". I was a bit shocked because I thought I was doing the right thing in being a bit more open. I also didn't want it to be that intense and was just as shocked as she was when she kissed me as up until that point I thought she was probably thinking "nice but not my type". She also had her arms folded a lot when we first met so that is why I thought maybe she didn't like me in that regard.

Now I know it is only the first date and we should take it slow but I would like to sooner than later if we are going to be more than friends. I have strong feelings for her already and she gives me that butterflies feeling but I will have to keep that to myself for now in case of upsetting her. With the last few girls I have dated, I haven't really felt strongly about them on the first date and to me that usually means that we are probably just be suited as friends. I would rather have the "lets just be friends" talk sooner than later and God knows I have heard it 1000 times before.

So at what point can you be more forward? After how many dates? At what point can you say "I like this person more than a friend?". When we parted we kissed again and it was open mouth with tongues but she has never had a relationship before so it may have been a reaction rather than a romantic one.

What is your advice? With my ex it was easier as we kissed on the first date then we were together for four years.I am not used to this slow progression!

[smackie9]

She wants you to stop being such a nice guy. Being sucky and all that gets you looking like yer desperate and a wimp ass. She does really like you but she wants you to be cool, a bit distant and not be afraid to make a move on her without her having to do it. So for the first few dates, don't spend a lot of money. Save the expensive dinners for when she's shellin out. Make her work for your affection by doing the pull and push method. Give her flirty attention then turn your focus on her away. She is right, you look like you are trying to hard with compliments and women should never be put up on a pedestal. That is not where any woman wants to be. That kind of stuff is a deal breaker. You are lucky, she is honest and straight forward. She's giving you a chance to make this work.

[damn2010]

I have a similar issue as you in that I'm a former introvert (still am at heart) and get a little anxious and excited when I connect with someone. To the point where I do get a little "too intense" and I've blown a few good things if I just "slowed down" and "took my time". I'm a charmer, but I have a bad habit of "moving too fast".

Remember there is no time clock, keep cool, confident and calm and DO NOT put all your eggs in one basket with this girl. Look up some techniques and stuff on being "cocky but funny" and stuff on being confident yet not arrogant. Make her "work" for you. And even still, don't settle down because right now she's putting YOU on a pedestal but you can blow it.

Don't worry about "how many dates", let HER worry about that! She wants you as the prize anyways. Just keep planning dates if it works out and things will flow naturally.

Slow and steady will win the race. Be patient! I'm going through it myself! You're not the only one!