Stay or go? Please help.....

[blackiesharley]

This new lady (details in another thread) and I have hit it off extremely well, in fact, in all of my realtionships over my 50 years, (she's 48, looks 30)this is perhaps the best atr least so far. Here's why:

Same lifestyle (homebodies)
Same values (family)
Same taste in music, clothes, movies, books, food, on and on.
We find each other beautiful physically
We're sexually compatible
Same alcohol use (minor to moderate)
Same sense of humor
We want the same things out of life (Home, love, etc.)
Same religous values
I have some small business projects going as does she. We help each other out with ideas, etc. (Not money)
I have a small family, she has no family.
Same intellegence level. We can talk about anything for hours
Same political views
Hell, we even look alike (male and femalve versions of course)

Sounds great huh? Here's the catch. I just learned that she's manic depressive and has had a couple of nervous breakdowns. She's also prone to anxiety attacts and takes Zanax to control them. She's attempted sucide in the past. In other words, she's a nut case by her own admission.

Here's how I found out. I had dropped her off at the store to pick up a few items while I ran some errands. When I picked her up, she was violently sobbing on the sidewalk because she couldn't find one item we wanted. I thought she had been raped or something. Later that night, she told me all of the above about her condition. Also, she has a minor legal problem, (civil, not criminal) that can be resolved in one day before a Judge but she thinks it's going to be another 'Trial of the Century,' in other words shes paranoid.

I don't know what to do. I care VERY much as does she. At least she admits that she has problems and is seeing a shrink, but only once a month. I could back off and keep looking for someone else, but I'm the type of guy that takes in stray cats and dogs. And as a practical matter, we all take a chance with someone new.

If I am to go forward with this, at least I know up front what I'm getting into. I've been suprised many times before.

If I back way off, I may be missing out on something good and rare. I know that if God forbid, I had a stroke or something, she'd be there for me. I just am not sure if I need or can handle the drama.

What would you guys/gals do?

[Marlo]

Well to be truthful, alot of woman suffer from depression, have had breakdowns, and have panic attacks. Especially when they are going through menopause. That does not make them a nutcase. I actually can think of numerous woman that I know that suffer from all of those, and are still very good, sane, loving people.

She is getting help for her problems. If she had not come clean to you about all of this, would you still be considering ending it with her? As far as I see it, if it isn't interferring with your relationship (which obviously it wasn't until she filled you in on her medical history) then why would you?

You say yourself that you are compatible in every way. That is a rare thing to find. You are really considering throwing it all away because she has nerve problems (that she TOLD you about, otherwise things would still be peachy)? I would really give that a second thought.

You say that if you had a stroke or something you know that she would be there for you. Give her the same respect and devotion.

If for some reason it gets really bad and she really starts freaking out on you all the time, and professional help isn't working, then maybe that would be the time you should think things through.

[blackiesharley]

Well to be truthful, alot of woman suffer from depression, have had breakdowns, and have panic attacks. Especially when they are going through menopause. That does not make them a nutcase. I actually can think of numerous woman that I know that suffer from all of those, and are still very good, sane, loving people.

She is getting help for her problems. If she had not come clean to you about all of this, would you still be considering ending it with her? As far as I see it, if it isn't interferring with your relationship (which obviously it wasn't until she filled you in on her medical history) then why would you?

You say yourself that you are compatible in every way. That is a rare thing to find. You are really considering throwing it all away because she has nerve problems (that she TOLD you about, otherwise things would still be peachy)? I would really give that a second thought.

You say that if you had a stroke or something you know that she would be there for you. Give her the same respect and devotion.

If for some reason it gets really bad and she really starts freaking out on you all the time, and professional help isn't working, then maybe that would be the time you should think things through.

You're right, I just needed a perspective and an objective opinion(s), thus my post. I don't know much about mental health issues, so I don't know how to deal with them and I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to help her if she freaks out. (BTW your menopause thought was something that I thought about as well. 48 is a target age)

I've just been screwed over by mates so many times that had alcohol or drug problems, I fear it's like 'here I go again.' But I can't make her pick up the tab for what other women have done. At least she was up front.

I've decided to go full steam ahead. I care too deeply not to. Like I said in my original post, we all take a chance on who-ever we hook up with. I'd rather share feelings with someone who has problems and cares about me than someone who's 'perfect' and doesn't give a s**t.

[Marlo]

I'm glad to hear it. Finding someone that you are that compatiable with, and who cares so much is hard to come by.

I hope all works out well.

[cycletease]

I am glad that you have decided to give her a chance. Until you have reason to feel otherwise she is still the wonderful woman that you have gotten to know. Her medical history is part of who she is and maybe he past problems have helped her to be compatible with you. You never know what life is going to deal you and a perfectly "sane" person can just as easily have a breakdown. The fact that she is upfront about this speaks highly of her and I don't see any reason to end it with her.

[blackiesharley]

Thanks Marlo and Cycletease, you reinforced just what I was feeling. This came to a head on New Years Eve when she asked me to make our realtionship exclusive. It was anyway as I don't want to see anyone else and besides, we're together every night practically.

I'm saying yes tonight. Having been in the dating world for some time now, I know that there are a LOT of unstable people out there, most just don't admit it up front.

Thanks again for the support,

Blackie

PS: The 'nut-case' comment were her words BTW, not mine. Like the old saying goes, 'if you think you're going insane, you're probably not.'

[cycletease]

Sounds to me like you have the right attitude. Let us know how it goes tonight! Everyone goes through crisis from time to time, it is good that you thought it through before you made a decision that you would regret.

[cbee]

Urgh, I hate to be on a downer but I think you really need to take a good look at what you are getting yourself into.

One of my friends at uni was a manic depressive and the majority of the time she was lovely a really top class friend but when she hit either a manic or depressive phase boy was it tough on us (although it did give us some amusing stories for later on). Is she on medication for her condition? Is she actually a manic depressive or just a depressive (manics are much much harder to cope with).

I know I'm sounding quite negative but I think you should be aware that at times she will be really hard work emotionally (and more hard work than us women normally are! lol)

I hope it all works out but maybe you could find a book or speak to someone about what it means for you.

Best of luck

claire

[Resonance]

blackiesharley,

People can change for the better , but often very slowly. If this is something she's been fighting against all her life , it's not something that you as a knight in shining armour is going to make all better in a forthnight.
This is not a condition you can fix , but I think people like her can control their condition and even flourish in a nurturing and loving environment. You could be very happy together. Myself , I'd probably take the risk. I once fell in love with a girl , who had some real issues with herself and to boot had muslim father who was very conservative. I did it against all advice. Well the relationship crashed and burned. Do I have regrets? Absolutely NOT. I felt, I went for it and I fell flat on my face. But it could have worked? You want to spend your time wondering about how things could of been , or spend your time reminiscing about failures you overcame and successes you've enjoyed?
You're 50 , you have the life experience to deal with any bad outcome by now and if the outcome is good plenty of years to enjoy it. What is there really to lose trying?

[schueys_girl]

you need to look at what youve written mate: a whole list of things why you are good together and you really care about her, and then this one, granted its kinda a big thing, but its just this one thing thats playing on your mind. She was honest and open about it, something which im sure she was dreading doing, and she seems to be working on it, so I say give her a chance. It is impossible to find a 100% perfect person in this world as we all know!

[blackiesharley]

you need to look at what youve written mate: a whole list of things why you are good together and you really care about her, and then this one, granted its kinda a big thing, but its just this one thing thats playing on your mind. She was honest and open about it, something which im sure she was dreading doing, and she seems to be working on it, so I say give her a chance. It is impossible to find a 100% perfect person in this world as we all know!

After re-reading my original post, I think I came off like a jerk. A big part of it is MY past experiences with drunks and druggies (she's neither and never has been) and like I said, I have no experience with mental health issues.

The suicide thing scared me too. I spoke to a counsler at Suicide Prevention yesterday afternoon for an hour just for professional input. (A great organization BTW, hopefully you'll never need them but if you ever do, they're there 24/7) and he was most helpful, giving me facts and an overview of what might have happened in the past. It was enlighting.

Anyway, last night I told her that 'yes, I want this to be exclusive as well and lets move forward at whatever pace we're each comfortable with.' Of course, she was very happy. (And wouldn't you know it? My ex-wife phoned in the middle of our talk just to say hello and see how I was doing. Kind of ironic) Then she cooked us dinner, watched some TV, had a long talk about World history and then went to bed. (Sleep only)

There WILL be times I'm sure that her emotions will take control, but I'll be there for her and just 'ride the storm out.' Was it the singer Tom Petty that wrote 'Good Love is Hard to Find' in a lyric? How true, yet I think that I've been alone for so long that I've become a little commitment phobic. It's a roll of the dice with anyone.

Sorry for the ramble here my online friends, I'm just happily nervous as a new adventure is beginning.

[Marlo]

I"m glad things are going good and forward.

You two are lucky to have found each other, it really sounds like you hit it off well together.

I hope all goes well.

[alexia]

I hope everything will go for the better because good things in life are rare.

[schueys_girl]

Well im really happy for you mate, glad i could provide some useful advice for once hehe good luck to the both of you sounds like your heading in the right direction xx

[blackiesharley]

UPDATE: Well, it's been a couple of weeks now since I made that first post and decided to go forward based not only on my feelings, but the input from you guys/gals as well. I'm VERY glad I did. A more perfect, compatible woman (for me) I don't think exists on the planet.

Yes, there are emotional moments (not directed at me), but I'm learning to deal with them, almost like scolding a child in a nice but firm way IE: "Stop it now, don't go there and get worked up over nothing," She respects that and thanks me later. Great lady and the makings of a great relationship. It's moved fast, but we're each comfortable with the progress and pace. I couldn't be happier and I thought I'd never find it. Wow.....

Thanks again for all of your support.

Blackie

PS: I'm not posting this to boast or brag, but to provide hope to others here that may be going through lonely times like I was. If someone six months ago had told me that I would meet someone great, I would have called them crazy. And I met her when I wasn't really looking. (At least THAT night LOL)