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[trouble_sleepin]

Hi. I'm new to the forum and I've just been looking for some advice.

I had broken up with my ex-boyfriend a few months ago. I originally thought my feelings for him had disappeared. But recently, I just got confused about my feelings when I went by to give back some little momentos he's given me.

I'm just in a weird place between wanting to be hurt and upset and wanting to just let go and move on.

I think it's just better to move on and let go over everything. But I just wanted to ask you guys,
How do you move on from your first (perhaps, only) love?

[xxazurexx]

How did I move on from the first?

Same as we move from them all - we have no choice.

It was hard the first time around though and because well, it was the first ever time I'd been dumped and by the first person I'd loved. I was with him for a total of nine months and every day of that nine months we had spent together. I can remember it being a weird feeling being alone and not being part of a couple anymore. It took some used to being single again.

But I had no choice but to move on and because he was adamant it was over, etc.

I just started going out with friends, meeting other guys - things young uns do. I was 18 at the time, so still young.

I highly doubt he will be your 'only' love. I'd thought that, but I went on to meet other guys I fell in love with and you will too.

[youngcoder19]

How did I move on from the first?

Same as we move from them all - we have no choice.

It was hard the first time around though and because well, it was the first ever time I'd been dumped and by the first person I'd loved. I was with him for a total of nine months and every day of that nine months we had spent together. I can remember it being a weird feeling being alone and not being part of a couple anymore. It took some used to being single again.

But I had no choice but to move on and because he was adamant it was over, etc.

I just started going out with friends, meeting other guys - things young uns do. I was 18 at the time, so still young.

I highly doubt he will be your 'only' love. I'd thought that, but I went on to meet other guys I fell in love with and you will too.

Couldn't have said it better.

[Take2]

One day, you will look back on this and think it is funny that you ever thought this would be your only love. It won't even be your strongest love, in all liklihood. It won't even be the one you remember most. And probably, you will remember the good times fondly with much more clarity than you will remember the end and the bad times. Humans are like that, we have a hard time remembering pain with any clarity in the long run.

When I was 20, the guy I had dated for 3 years broke up with me. I was heartbroken, a total mess. I wept, I grieved, I yelled, I pleaded. I lost sleep, I ranted, I called him and cried and yelled (gotta say, I can see now that is the dumbest thing a girl can do). Every time I saw him, I fell apart. For 2 months. Then I started healing. I built my own liife back up again and every day that passed, I grew a little stronger and the heartache grew a little weaker. When he came back wanting me back, I was able to kindly and gently tell him no, thank you. We remained friends, and I was the first person he told when he met his now-wife. He asked me for advice on how to approach her, and I helped him gladly, and was ecstatic to see that relationship take off.

And every time after that, when a relationship of mine has ended, I have been a lot stronger, a lot smarter, a lot more gracious in handling the ending. So I have come to value that bad ending as a good ending after all. And all endings are really good endings, becuse they give us the chance to pursue a better tomorrow.

When my husband of ten years left me earlier this year, I did not yell or weep or plead or lose sleep. I tried to talk to him rationally, I suggested counseling and a trial to see if we could make it work. He refused. I accepted his decision. The calm and fair response allowed me to move on more quickly, to grieve more gracefully, and to avoid adding more bad blood between the two of us (which is important since we have children). It also confused him and made him feel guilty, and I will admit that felt a little good.

[trouble_sleepin]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it. I know life goes on, I'm just having a lot of trouble accepting that... I guess it's hard investing a big part of your life with someone, just to lose them one day.


Take2, that is an amazing story. I'm glad you found a way to deal with whatever life brings you. You seem like a very strong individual. And what you said really summed up the past two days for me. It involved a lot of crying, pleading, and hoping. For now, it's a weird stage of life where the rational side of me knows that nothing's written and better things can come along. And I'm too young to think that I'll never meet anyone or fall in love. But the inexperienced, more emotional side of me just wants to dwell and repeat the situation over and over in my head.
I really hope that with time, I'll be in a good place where I can smile at good memories without feeling the pang of sadness and loss.

And whenever I get to that "good place" I'd like to thank you all for taking the time to read and offer advice.

Does anyone have any immediate distraction tactics? I've been trying to keep my mind busy, but most of my friends are busy working or at school so I haven't really been able to go out at all. Or is there anything that helped you just get through the day?

[Take2]

School and friends are a good distraction. Also, think about what might make a brand new distraction, a hobby or interest you have never explored before. You can channel your negative energy into learning to play guitar or working out at the gym or joining a choral group or whatever direction your interest lies. Then instead of chasing and pleading, you can focus on the new thing. When you feel questions of self-worth, you cans shape those to "I will improve myself until I am TOO good for him." Then one day you will look up and realize that it is true.

[Neuro]

I am going through the exact same thing you are going through right now.

It has been a month ever since my ex and I broke up, and the wounds are still so tender...sometimes.

I have my good days and my bad days, but the bad days are becoming more rare. I went from crying every day to crying once a week. Let time do the healing. Distract yourself as much as you can. Remember the reasons why it didn't work, rather than the good moments. And remember that you'll have those good moments with someone who has all the things that your ex does not... : ) Chin up!!

[trouble_sleepin]

Thanks so much Neuro. I'll try and think of why it didn't work. Right now, I'm trying to just accept that it happened and that you never know what else life has in store. So hopefully, tomorrow can better.
Emotional rollercoasters are pretty hard to deal with. I'm literally going from good to miserable to hopeless and back to okay.

I hope that things go well for you too. I wish you the best and more good days and non-existant bad days =)

[xxazurexx]

Yes I like what Take2 had to say It's nice to see another wise poster join the forums