What should I do?

[youngcoder19]

I have had a crush on this girl I've known ever since I've met her. I've expressed this to her, but she very politely turns me down, with the excuse that we've only texted each other and need to meet up before anything can happen. I'm staying at her place while at an anime convention early next year. She has a boyfriend that supposedly makes her happy.

My question is what should I do?

[Candoit]

Ok, I'm certainly not a female, however, I think you should find a better girl. Why? Although it may seem like a hard task since you like this specific person SO much, you must come to realize that she has a boyfriend. As a matter of fact, she even stated that she is happy with him. What I would do in this situation is let them love each other and be happy. Even though you like her, don't try to get too close to her; however, become good friends. This is primarily because someday they will break up, and if you have been a really good friend to her and supported her all the way along, she will come to you and cry on your shoulder. It seems highly impossible that she will dump her current boyfriend whom she is happy with to go out with another person. Thus, you should just become good friends, and she's even signaling to you that she wants to be just friends.

[youngcoder19]

The problem is that I don't think I can find a better girl. For a couple of reasons. First being that no matter how hard I try, whether I look on the Internet or outside the web, I always attract crazy women. Now, I will admit that all women (and men, for that matter) are crazy in some way, shape, or form. But I'm talking the really crazy. How crazy, you say? The kind crazy enough to drive to my home (while I'm not there, mind you), stuff their bras to make their breasts seem bigger, and say (lie, more like) that they were pregnant with my child. Even though they knew I never....arrived...with them during sex, they'd try it. My first girlfriend in 6th grade was suicidal, my last girlfriend was a victim of rape. I would give up on this girl, but she's literally all I have.

Second reason being is that I don't have the time of day to go to clubs or whatever because I'm not only a college student, but working 3 jobs. I know the typical response is that I should work on those things and put off girls 'til later. But when I have to work 15 hour shifts (like today), it's hard not to think about it. Especially because I work from the comfort of my own home. While developing help documents or writing some web pages, my mind begins to wander off and think about her, and how happy she is. And how miserable I am.

[RdHrshyKss]

sorry to say it, but you have to come above it. she is already taken. pining after women who are already in relationships is the worst idea. and becoming friends with her just so that you'll be her shoulder to cry on when/if she breaks up with her current bf is not really good advice either. you don't want to be her rebound do you? rebounds are the people that get used. i'm not saying you can't be friendly with her, just saying that you shouldn't be friends with her for that reason.

i know it sucks, but you need to continue searching for another girl. you might come across some crazies but you need to be able to figure them out a bit better, definitely before you get so involved with them and start bringing sex into the picture. but this girl is a no go...she's in a relationship, so she's off limits.

[youngcoder19]

You're right. I can't guarantee that I will be the best person for her. And I don't want to be the used person again. It happens entirely too often, especially because I'm an IT guru and most of my friends conveniently have computer problems and come to me about it.

But the question is now revised to "what should I do now?". I'm entirely too shy to see a girl I like and introduce myself. It's the only way I can talk to someone, yeah, but I'm the typical IT nerd in terms of personality (I have one too few pocket protectors and nasally voice to have physically) and speaking to new women is kind of taboo.

I can't talk to girls in real life and only crazies come to me on the Internet. So, what should I do now?

[RdHrshyKss]

where are you meeting these people on the internet? i mean, everyone has the chance of coming across crazies on the internet...you just need to learn how to filter them out better.

[youngcoder19]

Mostly on OkCupid and PlentyOfFish.

[RdHrshyKss]

well, are you approaching these women and finding out that they are crazy? or are they approaching you first and you reciprocate the attention without really considering what kind of package they are coming with?

[youngcoder19]

All the girls that I meet off the Internet have approached me first, so I'm gonna say option two.
I have been talking to the girls more before agreeing to meet up, but you know that people often put their best foot forward on dating sites and hide everything until a relationship has been established.
I'm a very logical person (sometimes) and I like knowing all the cards I've been dealt to work with rather than getting a card over time.

[RdHrshyKss]

so maybe you should start going with option one and concentrating more on going after girls who you find might better fit what you are looking for, being the first to initiate. rather than waiting for girls to come to you and trying to make them fit into what you are looking for, when they aren't.

[youngcoder19]

I have tried option one, and every girl I've messaged...EVERY GIRL...has ignored me. If I had started like a week ago, that's understandable. But I've been looking for well close to a year.

[RdHrshyKss]

it's obviously more complicated than i can get into with you because i don't know what kind of girls you are approaching, i don't know how you are presenting yourself, etc.. my rule of thumb is always to be yourself, not to try too hard to come off in any particular way. if the girl is the right kind of match, then she'll open up to you. if she isn't, then she won't reciprocate. but if you've been doing this for a whole year, i'd have to actually see what you've been doing in order for me to be able to give you any solid advice.

i'm not saying that you shouldn't talk to girls who approach you. that would be silly. i'm just thinking that you aren't waiting long enough to be able to come to an accurate assumption on their character. i'm the type of person who wouldn't feel comfortable meeting someone until i've had enough time getting to know them online. i mean, i'm not in that kind of dating scene yet. lots of things have changed since i was single with technology and the internet and such lol. but maybe you aren't asking the right questions, or you aren't asking them the right way? if you ask blatant questions, people will know what you are getting at and will give you the answers you want to hear. i think taking the time to get to know them online first, and being able to connect the dots, see discrepancies if any arise, etc. will be better at filtering out the crazies you say keep coming to you.

i don't want to get all up in your business, but if you'd feel comfortable aiming me we can talk outside of the forum and i can get into more detail with you. my SN is RdHrshyKss.

[smackie9]

Hi I'm new here but not new at giving advice on this topic. Being in the dreaded "Friends zone" is a nasty place to be in for a young single guy. I will explain to you in simple terms what the hell is going on in these girls minds. Girls can be emotionally attached to you and not be sexually attracted to you in anyway. They can easily separate these two things, while most guy don't. Why do they do that? Girls and guy think very differently when looking at relationships and interaction with the opposite sex. They think more with their emotions and are more satisfied with that than sex, guys it's all about sex...you are sexually driven, girls emotionally driven. This is why it's so hard to get in their pants so to speak. Guys need to tap this knowledge to break that emotional barrier down. The reason you end up in the "friends zone" is that you make yourself too available, and too eager to please them. You come of as a wimp a s s, weak. This is the biggest mistake guys make. Being too nice doesn't work. First off you really have to work on your confidence. It's going to take some work but you can change this all around and make them see you in a different light. You can do this by doing things out of your comfort zone and that means pushing yourself away from that computer. Computers isolate people from the real world. Try doing more physical things like going to a gym with a friend, take a cooking class ( girls are there!), join a book club that meets up at a trendy coffee shop. These are only suggestions, use your own imagination or a friend's suggestion.

Now you are in luck. Since the airing of the TV show "The Big Bang Theory" nerd is the new hot. Actor Jim Parson who plays the neurotic OCD physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper, is on every females hot guy list. But the key to his attractiveness isn't his looks but his personality. He is out spoken, doesn't care what other people think, arrogant, and doesn't acknowledge any female attention. And bingo you got girls where they are at there weakest. Challenge. Girls desire challenge. So when a girl comes around and bats her eyes at you to get you to fix a computer problem, tell them can't atm you are too busy and look preoccupied. You don't want to be used anymore? that's what you do, turn them down.

Now you can spruce up your look without looking like you are trying too hard. Find a trusted female friend to help make suggestions. Small changes like how to use some hair gel to wearing the right kind printed tshirts will dramatically overhaul any nerd without killing the desired nerd look. Making small changes to one's look can also bring on some confidence too. If you need any ideas I suggest the look of the character Leonard Hofstadter on the show. Simple converse running shoes, brown corduroy jacket and hoodie is an easy look. P.S. get rid of the pocket protector and pens If you are looking for anymore advice you can PM me anytime. Peace out.

[Candoit]

Hey can you go read my thread in this same category called "whats she thinking"? Please I would love some feedback lol.