Should I get back with my ex-girlfriend?

[sucka4love]

to start, both my ex and i are in our late 20's. we dated for about 3-4 months before making it official bf/gf thing. going on 6 months, everything seemed great even though there were some red flags about her that i ignored and/or chose to not make a big deal about it (i.e. very short temper, panic's easily when things are out of her control, etc)

into the 6th month, she found out she was pregnant. we had unprotected sex and had to face the facts. things started to go down hill from there as i didn't want to get married yet. on top of that, my parents had never met her and eventually didn't like her, which caused a lot of problems with different family members taking different sides.

i didn't want to get married yet and didn't even propose to her, she obviously felt hurt and rejected. she also felt very insecure even though i told her i would stay. a lot of arguments stemmed from the fact i never proposed to her or put a ring on her finger. i didn't think/feel our relationship had a strong enough foundation for marriage yet and i tried to tell her that marriage wouldn't solve any problems. i did tell her that i was willing to stay and work towards marriage. she would repeatedly tell me/warn me to propose before it's too late and not to do this to her and our child.

we stayed together until our child was a little over 1 year old and she decided to break up with me stating that she was so unhappy, causing her too much pain, made her wait long enough, and for ruining her life. we made arrangements for child support payments and when i could visit and have our child, etc.

it's been 6 months since we broke up and this whole process hurt me like hell as i still have strong feelings for my ex and never wanted to break up. during the 1st month, i did have that sense of freedom, hung out with a lot of friends and did a lot of things i normally couldn't because i was always at home taking care of our child together (not that i'm complaining). this novelty quickly wore off and the whole time i was missing my ex and the fact i couldn't see my child everyday. to make matters worse, my ex appeared in my dreams almost every night. even to this day, she shows up in my dreams at least once or twice a week.

i apologized to her to for the way things ended up and for causing her pain, etc. it was never my intention for any of this to happen, but i can't say i wasn't warned or didn't see this coming. she also apologized for being so angry, putting so much pressure on me and has some regrets with breaking up with me. we both stated we felt bad for our child having to grow up like this especially whenever our child is looking or calling for the missing parent that isn't around at the time. i had hopes of reconciling but i hurt her so much that she does not want to get back with me and that she hates me for ruining her life because i never proposed to her.

due to having a child together, we still maintain contact and have kept things civil between us. my ex has been nice to me, cooking dinner when i come over to visit our child during the week. sometimes we'll all go out together to the park or go have dinner at a restaurant. i try to help out as much as i can from watching our child so she can work late on some nights to helping her pay for bills and buying groceries and supplies.

i've been feeling so sorry, guilty and depressed. i'm trying to occupy my time with family and friends, studying for grad school and following my hobbies, but it seems to be only a temporary escape. i've been at that stage where i keep wondering if i did things differently, what would've happened. i really have no desire to go and date other people right now. i just really miss her, but the trust between us is broken (among other things). regardless of how desperate this sounds, i just want to run back to her, propose and tell her i want to be family and things will be OK.

is it even a good idea to propose to her? or is it insulting to my ex to propose after it took all these events to occur to get a proposal out of me? or should i just accept the fact i had my chance and move on...

i thought by now, i'd be OK, but i just can't get over it. i'm regretting the decisions i didn't make when i had the chance, but hindsight is 20/20 and i couldn't make a decision and kept questioning and second guessing myself. yes, i've got it real bad.

[VincenzoG91]

I firmly believe in the institution of marriage, but I don't think two people should get married just for the sake of being married. The relationship should be in great shape before marriage is an option, because the act of marriage itself will not fix a bad relationship. You could talk to her about how you feel to start laying some groundwork for a proposal, but I don't think it's going to work out well until her attitude improves.

[Reminisence]

The best advice I can give is be honest with her: get her perspective. Such a break up is always heartbreaking, you're both probably still upset. So talk about it, then decide what's best and stick to that.

What you mustn't do is try and work it out yourself, rush into things.

Also, you do miss something more when you can't have it. Remember how you didn't propose before, are those reasons still present? Do you feel like you could get married now? Aka do you really love her enough to committ, because there must have been reasons why it went wrong at first. However, if you can overcome those problems this time, then power to you man.

>whatever happens, I do think you should do your best to help her out. Not only will that make you feel better but women like committment like that. The child deserves a father, and you seem like a decent bloke

[sucka4love]

thanks for the advice so far.

i also strongly believe in marriage and hate the fact that the divorce rate is so high. people just jump in and out of marriage, vows go right out the window and nothing seems sacred anymore. i just needed to know that our relationship was meant to last. my ex would tell just propose to her and everything would be fine, she would be by my side forever, etc.

i didn't propose the first time around because we had only been together for 6 months and also felt that our relationship needed to grow more. she obviously didn't feel that way and just wanted that sense of security that i would be with her by marrying her.

after our child was born, we stayed together for over a year, but it was a lot of ups and downs. like i stated earlier, a lot of our arguments stemmed from the fact that i didn't propose or commit to her even though i said i would stay and wanted to work towards a marriage. after so much of this hate she had for me due to no proposal, all i began seeing was unhappiness, resentment, etc and she eventually broke up with me because she was tired of waiting for me. had the relationship been smooth while we were together, i would've probably married her by now. all that arguing kept turning me away...

i never wanted to break up. i still have strong feelings for her. i'm a stubborn fool and still believe that this could work. we've been through so much together and have come out stronger in the end. it's just that this time, we didn't make it out together. although it's been 6 months since we broke up, it's become harder and harder to get through the week. i think about my ex and my child everyday. because of the way i still feel about my ex, i willingly help her out w/ anything that she asks as i stated earlier.

don't get me wrong, things were great before the pregnancy. we had hit it off and did everything together. i really miss those days...

i wonder everyday if i had at least proposed and gotten into a long term engagement, it would've settled her insecurities for a bit while we worked towards an actual marriage.

[xxazurexx]

I can understand totally where you are coming from and why you didn't jump in and marry her. Too many people just jump in and get married in the early days (the honeymoon period) and then wonder why they are divorced a few years later. I think you were wise to not rush in and a baby is no reason to rush in either. Some females just can't wait to get a ring and tend to try and rush men. Thing is, if he is the 'right' guy, there is no need to rush - he will still be there and when he's ready, if he's the 'right' guy - as you are still there for her.

I'd only be proposing and if getting married is 'really' what you want to do.

[sucka4love]

that's my same line of thought. the way she grew up has a lot to do with the insecurities and emotional baggage. after 6 months, i just miss her so effing much it burns. my heart wants to just run back to her and propose, but my head is preventing me from doing so due to what i've experienced so far.

[girl68]

whatever you do, don't marry her at least not yet. I think she needs to work out herself why she thinks marriage is the ONLY way to save this relationship. I believe your right though, you certainly shouldn't jump into marrying her. Marriage doesn't all of a sudden make a girl secure, it just won't a ring doesn't mean shit if she's insecure.

I'd lay it on the line for her. What you ideally want which I assume is you want her, to be together and raise your kid together and eventually head towards marriage. You're going to have to suggest a few ways in which your ready though- what is it that you want in place before you marry? For some it's a house, for some it's no debt, for some the relationship has to hit 5 years... whatever it is tell her where you want to be before marrying her. Tell her that you're simply not ready and not ready doesn't mean no love. Encrouage her to figure out why being married NOW is such a dealbreaker (she must dig real deep) to figure out the answer.

[xxazurexx]

Dunno then hon, only you can make the final decision.

I'm thinking she isn't very understanding and a selfish woman and if all the problems/arguments were due to you not proposing.

I can understand your hesitance to go back.

[Kaius]

You basically married her when you two decided to keep the baby. You will have to financially raise the child. She will be in your life basically for the next 18 years.
It's kinda pointless to say you're not "ready" for marriage when you already created a life. Suck it up and do the right thing. Whether you marry or not, you are stuck.
Sorry.

[sucka4love]

You basically married her when you two decided to keep the baby. You will have to financially raise the child. She will be in your life basically for the next 18 years.
It's kinda pointless to say you're not "ready" for marriage when you already created a life. Suck it up and do the right thing. Whether you marry or not, you are stuck.
Sorry.

kaius, i was waiting for a reply like yours. i know it is pointless to say i'm not "ready" for marriage. you want me to suck it up and do the right thing? what is considered "doing the right thing"? do the right thing for myself, for my ex, for my child, or all of the above?

i guess in my current situation, i'm doing the right thing by being financially responsible (and beyond as i'm helping pay for my ex's rent, bills, groceries, etc) and trying to spend as much time as i can with my child. i have her every weekend, but continually ask if i can have her a night or 2 more. it sickens me that i have to talk about my child like she is some kind of property using words like "having her" or "taking her".

please understand that if i get married, i will honor my commitments 100%, never to divorce or run when things get difficult, etc. 6 months into a relationship was too short for me to feel comfortable enough to make a commitment like that.

if sucking it up and doing the right thing is to simply marry, i need some reassurance that it will last with some semblance of stability and happiness. and that i won't have to go through so much bs like her calling the police on me for domestic abuse when she was the one that attacked me and left scratches all over me (i never and will never lay a hand on a woman). that my ex won't divorce or walk out on me and my child when things get to be too much. without going into too much detail, my ex has walked out on me and my child before because she "couldn't take it anymore", told me to take care of our child and disappeared to Atlantic City until the next morning, then threatened to give up our child for adoption because i didn't propose to her. of course this was when our child was first born. my ex loves our child and can't even imagine being away from her now.

yes, it seems like she's not worth the trouble...but maybe i'm just effed in the head and heart.

i also understand from her point of view that if i told her that i would stay with her while we worked towards marriage, then y wouldn't i have got a ring, proposed and done at least a long term engagement? or just get married since i said i wasn't leaving anywhere? what i said was basically a commitment for marriage and thinking about, i don't know why i let the situation get to this point. i just kept being indecisive and second guessing myself...i dunno...

[Kaius]

Hey man, I feel for you bro. I am not trying to be critical or judgmental. The fact of the matter is it's too late to fix the situation, so you have to do what is best for the child.
I am divorced with 2 little kids, so I know what it's like to share custody. I was in a very bad marriage for 12 years. Kids shouldn't have to suffer for grown-up mistakes, but they do.
You'll just have to put your child as top priority, and your own personal happiness as secondary for the next 17 years. It's okay to not marry or even like the mother of your child.
But it's important to work together for the benefit of the child. That's all I'm saying. What is done is done.

[sucka4love]

Kaius I didn't mean to come across like I was attacking you. I got carried away there...

Thanks for your advice though. I want to do what's best for my child, but this whole situation sucks.

[xxazurexx]

You basically married her when you two decided to keep the baby. You will have to financially raise the child. She will be in your life basically for the next 18 years.
It's kinda pointless to say you're not "ready" for marriage when you already created a life. Suck it up and do the right thing. Whether you marry or not, you are stuck.
Sorry.

No he isn't stuck at all Kauis. He could still be a dad and make a life of his own, go on to meet someone else and have kids with another woman.

Just because a woman gets pregnant shouldn't mean that the man is obligated to remain with her and marry her. Nobody should feel forced into marriage.

How many women have tried to trap men and by deliberatley getting pregnant?? Hence is why I don't think that men should feel forced to marry a woman who foolishly does not take precautions.

That isn't saying that the man shouldn't be responsible too....but it's the woman who falls pregnant and has to go through nine months of pregnancy and giving birth - therefore I feel she should be a tad more responsible with birth control. A man can walk out at anytime and a woman knows that....hence another reason why a woman should take care of herself.

[sucka4love]

i agree with xxazurexx that both the man and woman are responsible. as you stated though, a man can walk out at anytime which was what freaked out my ex 24/7 regardless of me reminding her i'd stay with her. what i am regretting now is not trying a long term engagement regardless of how it might have turned out.

i've been trying to read my ex to see if there's anything there. she cooks me dinner when i visit or sometimes we'll all go out to eat, sometimes we all go to the park together, sometimes baby shopping, drive me to work and/or pick me up from work (if she's around the area). just the other morning we had to meet up so i could give her some money for bills. she drove me to work and packed me food to eat. i'm trying to be realistic and keep telling myself that it's nothing and she's only being nice because i'm the father. it probably all means nothing.

thanks for the advice so far.

[RockNRoll]

You seem a decent guy indeed and I do feel for you. As I see it, you didn't propose to her once you found out about her being pregnant, only because you are very serious about such a commitment and want to do it in the right time (when you got to specific stages in your relationships, life, any other re-assuring evidences that you are ready) and for the right reasons. Which is a "right" idea about marriage in general, IMO. Not because you wasn't in it with your heart and your actions (you was actually). If I am right, I wish your ex understood your real reason for not marrying her at that time. It's a shame that she was so obsessed about getting married, but she was going through one of the worst women's nightmare - unplanned pregnancy - and the fact that you became a couple only recently made it so much worse. She was wrong to think that marriage will bring her security, it's even worse that even after you've been showing your support all this time, she still didn't get over feeling insecure. I wouldn't blame her for that, maybe she still needs help to sort her feeling out.
You got some great advices here. To have a good conversation with her is one of them. You have so much to explain and understand about each other, and both of you need to get over the past and find a way to trust each other and communicate effectively. As you know yourself, whether or not you are a couple, you are going to see each other and solve some important questions (regarding your child at least) in years to come. So you'd better find a way to make it work sooner. I think this is the case when you as a couple (maybe she on her own as well) need some professional counselling.
I can see that you really want to be with her. But there are unresolved issues between you. And engagement/marriage will not fix it. You build good relationships first, and only after you get married. And you had that prefect plan while she was pregnant. You both need to figure out why it didn't work. Would she want to be with you, once she got over the pain? Despite not being married to her, you are and have been doing all the "right things". It tells even more about your intentions and feelings - does she understand that?
Regarding the thread question: Let her know that you want to be with her, but don't rash into proposal. Make things work better between you as friends and parents. Once you have done it, I think it is worth to try and get back together, if you both want it.