Need Relationship Advice for live-together couple

[mbarksdale]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 7 months now and we live together. We moved in after we had basically been living together and while our relationship has never been easy, it sure as hell hasn't gotten any better since moving in. I feel like he doesn't respect me in general. He cares only about himself. He is selfish and stubborn. He awkonladwes that he has features about himself that would be better if changed, but refuses to put any effort into changing them using the logic "you need to love me as I am." in order for me to love him as he is, I have to change who I am and what I believe.

When he is home, I am required to follow his schedule of attention giving and if I ever try to either tell him I am busy or just don't really want to cuddle at that instant, I am a bitch. But, if I want attention when he doesn't, then I am needy and clingy. He is allowed to do whatever he wants in order to be happy in any instant in time, but it really doesn't matter what I want. I am a second thought always. And never a priority. For instance, yesterday I found out on of my exes has been having some mental problems and has been threatening me to friends and has even caused acts of violence on a house i used to live in, and instead of comforting me or even being helpful and supportive, all he did was nag about the situation and worry about himself, he never asked how I felt about the whole thing, all he cared about was how he was going to be affected. Then, later that evening, after already saying he wanted to take me out for a nice date, he asked what I wanted to do and I responded "You know, i had a really rough day, all I want to do is go, get a pizza, have a nice meal just us and then come home and relax." Instead, we went to a bar with his friends, I had to sit through law school trivia (I am an engineer and language major) and then had to go sit at the actual bar while he played wingman. OH , and I didn't get my pizza. Instead, all we had for dinner were cheese fries. Because "my friends already had pizza, we should order something everyone can snack on." I feel like he's so desperate to be loved by everyone EXECPT me.

What should I do? Does he look to have any chance of changing or am I depressed and lonely for nothing? I hate how our relationship is played out.

[Petit Papillon]

Oh girl... For sure you both aren't working out. Ask yourself, do you imagine yourself being with this man in 5,10,15 years? You already asked him to change, he didn't... You can't fix a relationship if it's only you who want to fix it... I say, don't waste more time with him... Maybe he can find someone who will like the way he acts.He probably got comfortable with you agreeing to do everything , that's why he will not change . He thinks " hey , why should I change, if everything she's doing is just complaining about it". Probably, if you leave him, he will try to get you back,say he will change, he will change in fact, but it will be just a matter of time until he starts to treat you the same way. Now, are you satisfied with such life?

[Boisdevie]

He sounds like an arse - move out, and find yourself someone who values you, who gives you what you need

[girl68]

It's an astounding miracle why the hell you moved in in the first place. If you can't figure out my advice from that it is simple: move the hell out and never look back.

[mbarksdale]

I want to add a little to what I said earlier. And, thank you for your advice already.

I want to add my dissatisfaction with our sex life. I am a firm believer than there is a difference between f**king, sex, and making love. And, I think that a relationship needs all three, but i only get the first one mostly, and only sometimes the second. He is unbelievably selfish in bed and refuses to put any effort into sex. He hates foreplay, dosent believe in making sure I am aroused before sex, hates kissing me for more than just a peck or two (something that carries over into our day to day life and makes me feel unwanted/undesired) his favorite positions and the ones he refuses to give up even once in a while are where I am facing away from him. The sex lasts 5 minutes max, never ever more. He doesn't even try to make it last longer. He wont, and I mean absolutely will not under any circumstances, go slow so that he might last longer, I feel like when we have sex I am just there for his pleasure.

[Petit Papillon]

Well. Re-read your posts. Again and again and again... Till the moment when you realise that there is actually more things about your bf that piss you off than the things you like in him. If after that you will not know what to do about your relationship, then I think you should look for advice somewhere else, because in this forum you will not hear other answer than : LEAVE HIS SORRY ASS.

[mbarksdale]

I know. I need to leave, but I just feel so trapped. I gave up my house and we have been sharing a car, which is in his name. I filled out applications to move into an apartment, but I have 2 dogs, so that will be cramped at best (two big labs). I'm working on getting a car, but until I do, which should be around thanksgiving, I feel just completely trapped. All my friends hate him, and the one who will tolerate him, he refuses to go see because "I'm too old to be around undergraduate students." Hes a law student, and is ONE year older than my friends. No offense to anyone from Kansas City, but he thinks that is is the BEST place on earth. I can't get him to shut up about how amazing it is. Im sorry, I have lived literally, ALL OVER THE WORLD. KANSAS CITY IS NOT EVEN IN THE TOP 200 cities in the world. I was born in Houston, moved to canada, italy, london, ireland, spain, australia, new zealand and then finished my moves in Argentina before coming home for college. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, every single city I lived in has been WAY better than Kansas City, where they can't cook (i hate BBQ), it snows and you can't ski, it is in two mid-west states, and has NO real potential for growth. It doesnt have natural reasources. It dosent draw in investments or any real money. It is a self contained city. It sucks. And, when we do talk about the future, which is only when i've left him and am furious and tell him I never want to see him again, and mean it, at that point he talks about wanting to marry me and have a family, but he refuses to even consider living anywhere but KC. And, he feels no desire to take on any responsibilities. He picked the house he lives in not on, a) is it an attractive house b) is it in a safe neighborhood c)is it close to where i go to school d) are there any grocery stores nearby or even e) is the city jail more than a block away? no, he picked his house by f) is it close to downtown so that i don't have to drive very far when i drive home drunk.


I know I need to leave him and I am trying. But I love hearing others bitch about how aweful he is, so PLEASE chime in.

[girl68]

But I love hearing others bitch about how aweful he is, so PLEASE chime in.

The reason you don't leave has nothing to do with a car, 2 dogs or anything else. The reason you don't leave is because you LOVE the drama of being in a shitty relationship.

[Petit Papillon]

Yeah girl just decyphered you... Ask your friends to bitch about him if you like, i don't like when some strangers waste my time...

[RockNRoll]

You seem an intelligent girl, who knows things, saw places, can make good analysis. But not where it comes to him. How on earth did you get together with him in the first place?! Do you have any respect for yourself? Why did you moved in?!? You didn't tell any good thing about him at all. And it's unbelievable that YOU LET HIM do all those rubbish things to you! Do you have any love for yourself, self respect, plans for future, anger on him, idea how a guy should treat his lady, how a person should treat another person?! Find anything that will make you realise what a poor dirty selfish bastard he is! Run away from him as fast as you can, put all your energy into becoming indepent from him, get some help, move out and while you are still there, please, stand for yourself and don't let him treat you that way. In fact, you'd better break up with him just NOW!