Guilty

[DearDorthy]

I am currently in a 3 1/2 year relationship. we're engaged. An Ex came back and now I think im in love with both.

4ish years ago, it was summer - i started to date my best friends brother. Problem was i was just so shocked about it myself, i thought my best friend would hate me forever if she found out. So we snuck around for a little while while i tried to figure out what exactly we were. Well - finally i told her after a few months - and yes she was of course more mad at me for not telling her. She refused to speak to either of us so we ended up breaking up and all returned as if nothing happend. I was devastated at first, I thought for sure I was in love with him.. but my best friend is my best friend. I just knew that it wasnt the right time.

About a year after we broke up I had met my now fiancee. He popped the question 9months into our relationship - and we've been engaged ever since with no huge rush to get married. Everything was fine until i get an email one day from my best friends
brother. Telling me that hes in love with me, has been ever since and would of risked his relationship with his sister to be with me. I felt like i just got kicked in the stomach. If i had any idea that he felt like this even 2 years earlier i would of broken up my current relationship. He knows about my finacee- and wished us well and that he just had to tell me all this.

well ****, i am so confused. My current relationship is the only serious relationship i have had and now im second guessing everything. Am i being stupid to marry ' my first love ' ? My heart pounds a million miles around my ex but i dont know if its because it feels ' new ' or that crush feeling. I cant stop thinking about him and what life would be with him instead of with my current. We agreed to be friends - and talk every now and then and i feel so guilty for even talking to him.

everyone says to follow your heart and that ill know. well i dont know. and i cant tell my head from my heart. If i stay in this relationship, what if its a mistake and i loose him forever? What if i leave this relationship and it wasn't what i thought i would be and loose this relationship forever? ugh. im going insane. I feel so guilty that I cant just run to him - but if i left my finacee it would litterally break his heart into a million pieces. help. please?

[Cloud206]

don't think about your fiancee, it's your happyness,why risk loosing a good thing for something that can be a daydream.But then if your allready having doubts that is not a good sign.

[DearDorthy]

Thanks for your reply - are you referring to risking what i have now for my ex?

As for the doubts .. if i did want to marry my fiancee, would i even be having doubts?

[Cloud206]

that's right,you wouldn't,you would be sure and allready know that even thinking about your ex is damaging the trust you have in the current relationship.you are in a tough spot

[DearDorthy]

Tough is right. I think everything happens for a reason. If anything - maybe this did happen to make me realize this. I think i've been ignoring my instincts that were there in the first place that maybe im not ready to settle down yet. Im 23 and I dont think im ready to get married. If this is true, i cant not help but think about my finacee and his feelings. i love him - but i dont think i am in love with him. How do you tell someone something like that without ripping their heart out?

[Cloud206]

Age doesn't matter when making a familly,only the state of mind and heart (my opinion) and it's better to make him suffer now than who know how much more later.Love is rarely something that lasts a lifetime,break-ups are a part of life,just like new beginings.

[Take2]

You have two issues that you are making into one. Separate them out and I think it will be easier for you. Also, do not think that doubts prove anything. Most people have doubts about their relationship at some point, and if they decide to stay and dedicate themselves to the relationship, those doubts are just a bump in the road and signify nothing.

1. Do you love your fiance and want to marry him? If you had never seen your ex again or he was married to someone else, would you be having doubts about your engagement? That is the most important thing to figure out. Because if you leave your fiance, you can't guarantee the thing with the ex will work out. You need to leave the fiance if you don't want to be with him, period. Yes, it will hurt him. But it will hurt him more in 5 years when you guys are married and you can't take it anymore. Every day that you pretend and go along will hurt him more when it is finally over. Only continue with him if you can do so with your entire heart, because marriage takes work every day.

2. If you break up with your fiance, are you interested in a true relationship with the ex? It won't be just like before, you will be starting fresh. So try to step back and re-evaluate what it would be like to date hi now if you met him today, and move forward from there.

[DearDorthy]

That is true - i do think i need to figure out both before i make any huge decisions. I did have doubts before i heard from my ex. I dont even know if me and my ex would work out - and if we didnt then so be it. I just dont know. How do i know my motivation isnt my ex? time?

[blent]

I feel bad for your fiancée. If you are considering other men at this point in your relationship then marriage is not something you should be focused on right now.

[DearDorthy]

Well no sh*t. I feel horrible. And im not considering a whole bunch of other men here - i just dont know if my ex contacting me is a confirmation of my doubts..

[swoopo]

have a 3 way realtionship, you live once

[DearDorthy]

Thats uplifting.. thanks... jackass

[DearDorthy]

Any other inputs?