Hi, I am here to figure things out. Help! TIA!

[nerdyride]

Wow, I am really doing this. I am a male. I am 29 years old. I lived a sheltered life in my family's basement for most of my teenage life. I never once asked anyone out or been looking. I been hiding for most of my life. I was a very shy person. I lacked self confidence, questioned my sexual orientation and had no direction in life.

With my only outlet being the internet, I met my wife 10 years ago on MSN Messenger. She is my first and only love experience. I moved out to Minnesota to live with her. I moved in to her families home, I blindlessly said yes to everything thing her and her family decided without thinking for myself. We now own a house together. She was always bitchy and I was always quite. Over the years I learned to defend myself in arguments, stand up for what I believe in and have a lot more confidence in who I am.

My wife was born with a rare disease that ate away at her protective nerves on her legs. She had multiple surgeries as a child. Because of this, I have always been chivolerous and gone out of my way to better her life. 6 years ago, A few months after we got married, she lost her vision. Our lives adjusted again to move on. I now do much more to better her life. Blindness changes a person drastically. I matured much myself to adjust.

I bottle up my feeling because I know she was dealt the shorter end of the stick. With her life being so unfair I keep providing like a clockwork robot. I lash out in mild anger at times because of the unfairness. People always told me that I am a great person for dedicating this much time and effort into her life but I always didn't feel like I earned that stature.

My wife is often angry at how her life has been unfair. Often struggling with her disabilities. She has been blind for 5 years now and I don't feel as close to her as I used to. Her anger often pushes me way but I never strayed far. I understand she needs lots of chances to better improve her life. I am running out to reasons to love my wife. The old familiar feeling of love is fading and I am growing selfishly cold wanting more in life for myself.

I have met a single women in the past years whom I work with. She has 2 kids who are great. My co worker has so much poetic imagination and creativity, hanging out with her and being her friend feels like a fantasy or dream at times. We worked together for 2 years and she still takes my breath away. She has inspired me on many levels to be more open minded and that life is not so drastic. That there are always options and ways out of a situation. Till this day, I secretly "like" her very much.

My coworker and myself might not ever hook up or anything but she has opened my eyes wide. She deserves a great person to take care of her. I might not be that person because I understand the responsibilities of marriage and the consequences of choices such as these.

I still can't help but think what if? you know.

If anyone can give me creative opinions. that would be much appreciated.

[nerdyride]

I apologizes for not writing a more informative thread subject line.

[MerryH]

You don't have to bottle everything up just because she has some disabilities. People who have had difficult lives don't automatically earn the right to never be called on their nastiness. Have you never talked to her about her anger?

[vashti]

You have a disproportionately difficult life with your wife; I am not surprised that another woman can capture your imagination so completely.

Do you have children? If so, I strongly suggest you get counseling, and get yourself involved in a support group.

BTW - what's her diagnosis? ALS? Friedreich's? Is it a progressive disease which will eventually affect her brain/ability to breathe?

[nerdyride]

yeah, we have talked. we managed to work things over time and time again. she can be angelic at times but that alone does not warm my heart anymore. her disabilities don't bother me. its the fact that she is still adjusting to being more independent but 5 years later, im doing many things for her still. she has great potentual to become a great blind person but to be honest, i am exhausted. i really am.

[nerdyride]

we have no kids. we both want them. we talked about it and i mentioned that kids could bring happiness into our lives. my wife figured out durring one of our talks that i have trouble telling her honestly that i love her. i told her that this was the most i loved anyone. it is the best i can do. she accepted that.

she has cmt disease. i am typing these replies from a ps3 so it might not look as nice as i wanted it to look.

[nerdyride]

I am now at my Pc. My wife has CMT which eats at her nerves on her feet and eventually her hands. There is no connection with this disease and blindness. That is a bonus. and yeah, My attention has be else where. In the clouds a bit. I been thinking about my co worker a lot. Its not that I like all women that is exciting. I have met many great women in my life but my co worker captures my imagination, motivates me and for the first time In my life, I have the confidence to find/seek and take new exciting chances that does not involve long distance computer chat. I might of matured into this finally but I am tied down with responsibilities.

To be honest, we can leave my co worker out. It could of been anyone that caught my attention. I been sheltered for so long In my past. I never took risky chances. I never lived life. I can see us getting therapy wither we have children or not because I can't leave or cheat on my wife no matter how exciting or life changing that sounds. She is disabled and has no one else to care for her.

It feels great to be needed but It does feel empty for me. Sometimes I am glad she can't see. That way she can't see how sad I am sometimes. I am sure she can detect it though.