Unbiased Perspective Needed

[Danni85]

Hello all.

I am having some issues with my boyfriend. We have been together for 10 months and, up until a couple of months ago, he treated me wonderfully. Now it seems to be changing... As it has seemed to in all my past relationships and I'm fed up of following the same pattern again and again.

This is an email conversation we've been having today and I'd like to know your thoughts. I am trying to be logical about this and I, basically, can't see where he's coming from... But am I missing something?

Me: I'm not happy baby. I'd really like you to read this carefully and really think about what I'm saying, please.

Things are not going well between us. I feel I need to talk to you about this but I can't do it face to face because you immediately get defensive and make me feel like I'm nagging.

I'm not nagging. It's just come to a point where I'm struggling in this relationship and I feel it needs talking about. If it isn't talked about, resentment will just build up for me and I'll eventually blow and probably just end it. I don't want to do that. I love you and I think we're worth fighting for.

I am finding myself in a constant state of tension when I'm with you these days. You say it's me that's changed.

You tell me I can't take criticism. This is how I see it:

You question EVERYTHING I do and the way I do it... From completely mundane stuff like why I fold my washing the way I do (that's just an example, I know you haven't actually said that - but that's how mundane and often it is). Sometimes it gets to me, having to explain EVERY LITTLE THING I do and I blow... And when I say I blow, I'm really exaggerating. I will just say "WHY do I have to explain every little thing I do? This is me, this is how I do things, leave me be!" - that's it.

Why should I have to take any criticism? I'm constantly doubting myself but I feel like it's time to say, hang on... Let's give myself some credit! I'm actually really good at looking at myself in a critical way so if I feel like I deserve the criticism, I'm big enough to admit it! If there are big things that I really do deserve criticising for, please tell me now... But if it is just every day things like why I put some food on that plate rather than the other plate or why I arrange my things around my room that way instead of this way, then please try to lay off me a bit... Does it really matter how I do things?

I've had enough of boyfriends changing on me then saying it's me that's changed! I don't change. I am what I am! Because this same pattern seems to keep repeating itself with each relationship, it's making me analyse myself and think "IS this me? AM I changing?"... But I really don't think I am! The only way I change is that I'm quite shy at first but as time goes on, I get more comfortable with someone. And if that's something I SHOULDN'T do, then I'd rather be on my own because I can't live like that. I need to be me. I need to be able to relax!

I seem to be treading on egg-shells with every conversation I have with you now. For example, last night when I was talking about my family going away for Christmas; I knew I had to tread carefully so that you didn't think I was demanding you come away with me instead of spending it with your family. Why I'd need to tread carefully in the first place when all I'm asking is whether you'd like to do something nice, is beyond me, but it seems that's the way it is these days. So I asked if it's something you'd consider and, sure enough, you got defensive straight away, saying "I'd like to spend Christmas with my family, you know?!" in a way that suggested I, selfishly, hadn't considered that! I explained that I knew that, I was just asking to see if it was something you'd consider. As it is something I would like to do. To which I got no reply (which is nothing unusual is it?). So I then asked "so it's a no from you?" to which I got another barrage of "why are you saying it like that? etc" I wasn't saying it like anything. I merely needed to have an answer because places are being booked fast.

So it seems even when I'm treading on egg-shells and trying not to make you angry, you STILL get like that.

And that's just one example. I feel like that before ANY mundane conversation I have with you these days. To me, it really feels like you don't like me much at all and that I'm just some annoying girl who is constantly in your way. It is getting me down.

I have come to accept the fact that you don't listen to me much. You're usually in your own little world and I have to try hard to grab your attention before you listen to me and, even then, I don't really have anything to say that interests you. I have accepted that about you. But it's the way that I don't feel like I can talk to you at all without seeing some sort of disdain or irritated or impatient expression on your face or in your voice that I can't stand. It's really upsetting me.

I don't understand where my lovely, easy going boyfriend has gone?

xxx

Him: I'm not happy either, all I want is to be able to talk to you like an adult face to face. I know sometimes I can sound a bit arsy and I'm sorry about that. It feels like I'm the one treading on egg shells, it feels like I have to constantly talk to you like a child and it's stressing me out!

And when I'm asking why your doing something the way you are, I'm not having a go at you, I'm just trying to help by suggesting a quicker or easier way of doing it!

Me: What do you mean? When and why do you have to talk to me like a child? You don't have to do anything... You choose to. And it's upsetting me.

Him: I always have to, I can't talk to you like an adult or you just get upset!

It's like your in some sort of bubble at the minute which is protecting you from the real world and you need to snap out of it and face reality!

Me: I don't understand what you mean? I'm just trying to have normal conversations with you and you talk to me like that. I don't understand why. What reality aren't I facing?

_____

I haven't had a reply yet.

Any insight would be helpful. Thanks.

[vashti]

Him: I always have to, I can't talk to you like an adult or you just get upset!

.

To be honest, you DO sound a bit like you are looking to argue about nothing. If he asks you why you do something a particular way, you COULD just answer him, and not internalize it. And maybe he DOES know a better way. You sound pretty inflexible.

And why would you be defensive about Christmas? Of course he wants to be with his own family. In the way you portray the scenario, it sounds like he feels a bit badgered by you.

[LailaK]

Tell him that you don't want to date an as*hole and if he can't behave nicely toward you, you'll leave.

It's as simple as that. He seems content on blaming the situation on your "childishness". I don't see that you're acting childish. I see that you want your partner to approach you like he cares about your feelings and he's refusing to.

I don't like for a partner to question everything I do, so I understand you on this point. I'm also not the type of person to walk on eggshells either though. If he doesn't like the way you fold dish towels why not just tell him to do it himself? Maybe there's a chore you guys can switch. Express how he's making you feel when he takes a certain tone with you or doesn't listen to you. Hopefully he'll change.

[Danni85]

Thanks for your reply.

I hate any kind of confrontation and I'm a really simple creature. All I really want from a relationship is a cuddle and a kiss so I hate this. I'm really not trying to argue about nothing. It's gotten to this stage because, like I said in my first email to him, he's really not very pleasant to be around at the moment. He snaps at me about any little thing I say. That's if I'm lucky enough for him to have listened to me in the first place. He says it's because he feels like he needs to talk to me like a child and it's stressing him. But he hasn't explained why I need speaking to like I'm a child. I'm a fairly educated person. He says it's because I'm in a bubble and need to face reality... I really don't understand what he means.

Whenever he asks me why I do something a certain way etc, I do simply answer him. But when it is literally CONSTANT, I do snap sometimes because it does feel like he criticises every little way I live my life. Yes, he's quite efficient so he probably does know better ways - to which I listen at times. But, yes, I'll admit, I am a little set in my ways. But I've explained that before. Why is he trying to change me? I thought he loved me for my little quirks.

Again, as explained in my emails, of course I understand that he wants to spend Christmas with his family. So do I. But, I'd been given the chance to go on holiday with my family and this is our first Christmas together (me and the boyfriend) so I also want to spend it with him. So why couldn't I ask him if it's something he'd consider doing with me? He might have said yes!

All he had to say was: "sorry babe, but I'd really like to stay with my family over Christmas". That response would have been fine and completely understandable.

[vashti]

You know, you guys are just dating. This is the time of life when you are supposed to decide whether or not you are a good match. You should look at every little characteristic he displays, and ask yourself whether or not you want to live with it till death do you part. If the answer is "no", then get rid of him. You aren't going to change his ways, and maybe there really isn't anything wrong with either of you, other than perhaps you just aren't a good match. Don't try to force a square peg in to a round hole.

[Danni85]

That's what I'm thinking, Vashti.

It would just be a shame... We do both clearly love each other and when we get on, it's great. So I don't feel quite ready to call it a day yet. It's only been 10 months. I'm the sort of person that will come to a certain point and just end it. So I'll know when/if that time comes. It hasn't yet. And I can see myself spending my life with him if we can get these niggles sorted out.

[Ariadne]

To be honest, you DO sound a bit like you are looking to argue about nothing. If he asks you why you do something a particular way, you COULD just answer him, and not internalize it. And maybe he DOES know a better way. You sound pretty inflexible.

And why would you be defensive about Christmas? Of course he wants to be with his own family. In the way you portray the scenario, it sounds like he feels a bit badgered by you.

I got the feeling it was the other way around--like HE was the one looking to fight over nothing. Especially if he's bugging her over mundane little things enough for it to affect her this badly. And it also sounds like he's the inflexible one if he can't let her do ordinary chores her way--as long as they get done, who cares?

Honestly--and you probably won't like this and I could be totally wrong--it sounds like he's just over the relationship and maybe he resents you a little bit for holding him back (I doubt you really are, but sometimes people feel trapped by their desire to not hurt someone they care about). You don't seem childish at all--in fact the way you addressed the issues you have in your first email was very calm and mature. I don't know what you're like all the time, but based on just what I've seen here, it looks like he's the one with the problem and he's blaming you for it so he doesn't have to look to hard at himself.

[Danni85]

Thanks Ariadne.

Maybe that is it. It has crossed my mind. We have a holiday booked in two weeks so I'm thinking maybe he just doesn't want to be with me anymore but is holding off because we have this holiday. Obviously, if we didn't go, a lot of money would be lost etc.

So I guess we'll see what happens after our holiday when we have no ties to each other.

He does assure me he loves me very much. It just doesn't seem so at the moment.

[Danni85]

Just an update:

We had a heart to heart last night and I'm feeling much more positive.

We were able to talk properly and it's been decided that I'm too sensitive (but there is a good reason for that which I won't bore you with) and he needs to be more patient with me.

We have both agreed to try really hard to improve things. I guess we're still just learning what makes each other tick and how we handle each other.

I did bring up the holiday situation and he said it was ridiculous. He has no qualms about breaking up with someone if that's what he wanted to do - holiday coming up or not.

We spent the rest of the evening cuddling :-)

I'm sure we'll have problems again, but that's what a long-term relationships are all about isn't it? lol.

Thank you for your help.

[VincenzoG91]

Can't have mutual love without mutual respect.