Hello all.
I am having some issues with my boyfriend. We have been together for 10 months and, up until a couple of months ago, he treated me wonderfully. Now it seems to be changing... As it has seemed to in all my past relationships and I'm fed up of following the same pattern again and again.
This is an email conversation we've been having today and I'd like to know your thoughts. I am trying to be logical about this and I, basically, can't see where he's coming from... But am I missing something?
Me: I'm not happy baby. I'd really like you to read this carefully and really think about what I'm saying, please.
Things are not going well between us. I feel I need to talk to you about this but I can't do it face to face because you immediately get defensive and make me feel like I'm nagging.
I'm not nagging. It's just come to a point where I'm struggling in this relationship and I feel it needs talking about. If it isn't talked about, resentment will just build up for me and I'll eventually blow and probably just end it. I don't want to do that. I love you and I think we're worth fighting for.
I am finding myself in a constant state of tension when I'm with you these days. You say it's me that's changed.
You tell me I can't take criticism. This is how I see it:
You question EVERYTHING I do and the way I do it... From completely mundane stuff like why I fold my washing the way I do (that's just an example, I know you haven't actually said that - but that's how mundane and often it is). Sometimes it gets to me, having to explain EVERY LITTLE THING I do and I blow... And when I say I blow, I'm really exaggerating. I will just say "WHY do I have to explain every little thing I do? This is me, this is how I do things, leave me be!" - that's it.
Why should I have to take any criticism? I'm constantly doubting myself but I feel like it's time to say, hang on... Let's give myself some credit! I'm actually really good at looking at myself in a critical way so if I feel like I deserve the criticism, I'm big enough to admit it! If there are big things that I really do deserve criticising for, please tell me now... But if it is just every day things like why I put some food on that plate rather than the other plate or why I arrange my things around my room that way instead of this way, then please try to lay off me a bit... Does it really matter how I do things?
I've had enough of boyfriends changing on me then saying it's me that's changed! I don't change. I am what I am! Because this same pattern seems to keep repeating itself with each relationship, it's making me analyse myself and think "IS this me? AM I changing?"... But I really don't think I am! The only way I change is that I'm quite shy at first but as time goes on, I get more comfortable with someone. And if that's something I SHOULDN'T do, then I'd rather be on my own because I can't live like that. I need to be me. I need to be able to relax!
I seem to be treading on egg-shells with every conversation I have with you now. For example, last night when I was talking about my family going away for Christmas; I knew I had to tread carefully so that you didn't think I was demanding you come away with me instead of spending it with your family. Why I'd need to tread carefully in the first place when all I'm asking is whether you'd like to do something nice, is beyond me, but it seems that's the way it is these days. So I asked if it's something you'd consider and, sure enough, you got defensive straight away, saying "I'd like to spend Christmas with my family, you know?!" in a way that suggested I, selfishly, hadn't considered that! I explained that I knew that, I was just asking to see if it was something you'd consider. As it is something I would like to do. To which I got no reply (which is nothing unusual is it?). So I then asked "so it's a no from you?" to which I got another barrage of "why are you saying it like that? etc" I wasn't saying it like anything. I merely needed to have an answer because places are being booked fast.
So it seems even when I'm treading on egg-shells and trying not to make you angry, you STILL get like that.
And that's just one example. I feel like that before ANY mundane conversation I have with you these days. To me, it really feels like you don't like me much at all and that I'm just some annoying girl who is constantly in your way. It is getting me down.
I have come to accept the fact that you don't listen to me much. You're usually in your own little world and I have to try hard to grab your attention before you listen to me and, even then, I don't really have anything to say that interests you. I have accepted that about you. But it's the way that I don't feel like I can talk to you at all without seeing some sort of disdain or irritated or impatient expression on your face or in your voice that I can't stand. It's really upsetting me.
I don't understand where my lovely, easy going boyfriend has gone?
xxx
Him: I'm not happy either, all I want is to be able to talk to you like an adult face to face. I know sometimes I can sound a bit arsy and I'm sorry about that. It feels like I'm the one treading on egg shells, it feels like I have to constantly talk to you like a child and it's stressing me out!
And when I'm asking why your doing something the way you are, I'm not having a go at you, I'm just trying to help by suggesting a quicker or easier way of doing it!
Me: What do you mean? When and why do you have to talk to me like a child? You don't have to do anything... You choose to. And it's upsetting me.
Him: I always have to, I can't talk to you like an adult or you just get upset!
It's like your in some sort of bubble at the minute which is protecting you from the real world and you need to snap out of it and face reality!
Me: I don't understand what you mean? I'm just trying to have normal conversations with you and you talk to me like that. I don't understand why. What reality aren't I facing?
_____
I haven't had a reply yet.
Any insight would be helpful. Thanks.