Is this controlling behaviour?

[SecretlySad]

My boyfriend has done some things recently that have made me start to question things in our relationship.

* A few months ago a girlfriend of mine asked me if I was interested in joining her for a pole dancing fitness class. Having always heard they are a barrell of laughs with the girls and also help to get you fit, I was instantly excited and accepted. When I went home that night and told my boyfriend I was going to be taking the class he was not pleased. He turned quiet on me and when I asked him what was wrong he said he thought doing the class was sleazy, disrespectful to him and he didn't understand how it could be a fun thing and a confidence booster for a lot of women. He said that if his family were having a get together one night and I was at one of my "classes" he would be embarrassed to tell them so.

He didn't SAY he didn't want me to do it, but he made me feel terribly guilty so I told my girlfriend I had changed my mind. All these months later, even though I DIDN'T take the class, he makes snide remarks (which he tries to pass off as jokes) if anything about pole dancing comes on tv. He punishes me despite the fact that I didn't even take the class, then claims he never held me back.

* More recently, I attended a dress up party. I was going as Serena Williams and my friend decided to go as a pin up girl. I told my boyfriend I was a little disappointed that I hadn't come up with the pin up girl idea first as I love their style - the fishnets, the hairstyle, the makeup, everything is just lovely.

After I made this statement my boyfriend said "well you have to be careful going to a party dressed basically as a PROSTITUTE. Not even the cops would jump in if 5 guys were raping you".

* Just last week I told him I wanted to buy a pair of booty pop underwear to give my flat butt a bit more oompf. He rolled his eyes and said to me ""who are you trying to impress?"

[Ariadne]

After I made this statement my boyfriend said "well you have to be careful going to a party dressed basically as a PROSTITUTE. Not even the cops would jump in if 5 guys were raping you".

Wow. Just... wow. Dump that jackass. Seriously. I can understand him getting jealous about that kind of stuff, but that comment is just... wow.

[xxazurexx]

Controlling is when they try to stop you from doing something. But a form of control is when they will say things to make you feel bad enough, that you don't do it.

[Cloud206]

"* Just last week I told him I wanted to buy a pair of booty pop underwear to give my flat butt a bit more oompf. He rolled his eyes and said to me ""who are you trying to impress?" IF you know he loves you,he does it without you needing a bit more "oompf".Since you know you got nothing to feel bad enough about what do you feel it ?Maybe that was his opinion about "pin up girls".Have you tried talking to him or did you just get upset and abandon the idea?He can't "mind control" you if you don't let him.

[Ariadne]

"* Just last week I told him I wanted to buy a pair of booty pop underwear to give my flat butt a bit more oompf. He rolled his eyes and said to me ""who are you trying to impress?" IF you know he loves you,he does it without you needing a bit more "oompf".Since you know you got nothing to feel bad enough about what do you feel it ?Maybe that was his opinion about "pin up girls".Have you tried talking to him or did you just get upset and abandon the idea?He can't "mind control" you if you don't let him.

He basically said she deserved to be raped if she went out dressed like that. I certainly hope this isn't your attempt to defend that by saying "everyone is entitled to their opinion" or some bullshit.

[MerryH]

After I made this statement my boyfriend said "well you have to be careful going to a party dressed basically as a PROSTITUTE. Not even the cops would jump in if 5 guys were raping you".

My jaw dropped when I read this. What a terrible thing to say. I don't think I could be with someone who felt this way. You're right to be questioning things. He sounds like insecure douchebag.

[itaritein]

I believe that if you love someone, you should let the person free. Your boyfriend should prove his love by give you some freedom to do what you want to do.

[eonbar]

yeh, thats defo controlling. what are you going to do about it? have you asked him to **** off and grow up? he should let you do what you want. its hardly like your a pole dancer, or a stripper pin up girl, or a prostitute of all things. that was a horrible thing to say. i would never speak to any girl, let alone my GF, like that. sounds like he's taking you for granted a little maybe? feel insecure about you looking nice in front of other lads perhaps?

[Going strong]

Sounds like your bf is not confident of himself!! just do what you like to do and don't bother what other say. It is your life you are living not his. You should enjoy whatever you want to do. After all we are only live once!!

[Cloud206]

There is a difference between "enoying whatever you want to do" for the moment like a party or an outfit and long term happyness.Does he make you happy ?Are those 3 things you mentioned in months all of his mistakes?MAybe he was jelous that other guys would see you in a certain outfit and did not know how to express it.Think what you want not just for the present but if you want a future with him and he made you understand that it would be a nice future.Don't listen to this crap "that's a bad thing of him to say" EVERYONE says things they don't want or regret in a relationship.

[MerryH]

Don't listen to this crap "that's a bad thing of him to say" EVERYONE says things they don't want or regret in a relationship.

It's not "crap." It was a ****ing terrible thing to say, and that attitude of his shouldn't be overlooked. It's not as if he accidentally implied that she was fat, or something. He basically said that women who dress slutty deserve to be raped. THAT'S NOT OKAY. I don't understand why you assume that he didn't mean what he said. Nothing written here suggests that he regrets it.

You can't hope for a nice future with someone when they make you feel badly about wanting to look nice (the booty underwear,) or repeatedly make snide comments about something fun you only considered and didn't even end up doing because of him (poledancing fitness classes,) or with the type of person who would probably blame you if you were raped.

[Poetic_Partner]

Absolutely it's controling behavior. If people controlled each other mostly through force, think of how much more violence there would be in the world.

Heck - he's not even all that subtle/passive-agressive about it. He's outright telling you "I don't trust you and want you to do X and you are a bad person for not reading my mind and just knowing what to do."

The proper response would be some version of:
"I'm uncomfortable with X and would rather you not do it, but if you do I'll support your decision so long as you don't break my trust."

We're not talking about one incident that triggered a strong response either, but a pattern.

Either he needs to change immediately (as in "I'm sorry - I shouldn't have been such a jerk. I'll be more understanding from here out"), or you need to drop him. Personally, with the comment about not deserving help if raped, I'd chose the latter.
-PP

[doppelismyfriend]

Clearly controlling.

[SecretlySad]

Hey guys, thanks for your responses.

Controlling is when they try to stop you from doing something. But a form of control is when they will say things to make you feel bad enough, that you don't do it.

YES! That’s precisely what he does – he doesn’t actually tell me I can’t do something, but makes me feel so terrible about even the suggestion of it, that I back out. We live together and its just not worth dealing with it at home.

sounds like he's taking you for granted a little maybe? feel insecure about you looking nice in front of other lads perhaps?

I think he definitely feels insecure about me looking nice in front of other men. Even with that, if we go out and I am wearing a plunging neckline or short dress he will say “what happens if some guy is coming onto you and I have to get into a fight with him? Do you want that?”. Of course I always get changed because he has made me feel so bad. It hurts me because I take pride in my appearance and I like to look good – for me, no one else. Looking good makes me feel good.

The proper response would be some version of:
"I'm uncomfortable with X and would rather you not do it, but if you do I'll support your decision so long as you don't break my trust."

That would be ok!

Sure, I’d still be a little mad because as far as I am concerned I am a grown woman and should be able to do what I want, but at least he has expressed his opinion to me without having to be manipulative and nasty.

[Bella82]

UGH! Is this guy serious?! Just from what you've said, I'd say he was definitely controlling.. but moreso in a manipulative way. Sure, you can do what you like and this is what he says, but you can't simply take that at face value -- he sounds insecure, and is only saying those snide remarks to get you to come around to his way, without actually being honest and upfront with you about his real concerns. This BS about how the pole dancing class is "disrespectful" to him is ridiculous -- what is disrespectful is him trying to influence what you want to do for fun with your girls; it's not like one of your favourite pastimes is turning tricks!

Have you had a talk with him yet about how his actions and comments are making you feel? If not I would speak to him about this honestly as soon as possible before any resentment sets in and you start feeling angry towards him for giving up what you wanted to do, just to make him happy and alleviate his insecurities. Once you get to this point, it's really difficult to come back and it's best to put it all out in the open now. Honey you deserve more than this crazy treatment!