Just friends but feel like we are a couple - what do I do?

[JGolds29]

Hi everyone,

It's been a few years since I've posted on here, and now I could really use some help/advice/comfort etc. I have come to a crossroads in my friendship with my best friend and, to be perfectly honest, I don't know how to handle it.

We actually started out dating - she had come out of a really horrible relationship and we were determined to take things slow - but when it was evident that she wasn't ready for a relationship, we decided to be just friends. Throughout the course of our dating/friendship, we have become extremely close. We've spent hours and hours texting and talking to each other on the phone, and we usually hang out once or twice a week. We generally talk to each other 2-4 times a day on the phone, with some of the conversations lasting as long as an hour at a time, and when we aren't speaking on the phone, we text each other to stay in touch; the vast majority of the time (80-85% of the time) she initiates the contact. In addition to me helping her through a very difficult time in her life, we've gotten to know each other really well and we have some really amazing and thought-provoking conversations; furthermore, we have always made it a point to be completely open and honest with each other.

Naturally, through our interactions, I've developed feelings for her. I believe she has all of the qualities I'm looking for in a potential wife, and I am most happy when I'm talking to her or spending time with her; however, she doesn't seem to feel the same way about me. Recently she said she sees me as just a friend, and while she thinks I'm a good-looking guy, she doesn't have romantic feelings for me in the same way I do for her, even though while we were "dating" she used to consistently tell me how much she liked me, and now she'll occasionally send me texts telling me I'm hot or attractive. I know this is partly because her past relationship has made her hesitant to get involved in another serious relationship at the moment, but it also makes me wonder why she constantly calls or texts me, compliments me on a regular basis, and tells me how amazing I am. To be honest, I feel like we are in a relationship, just without the intimacy.

I truly value our friendship and she really is a very important part of my life, but I'm now concerned that the more time we talk and spend together, the more my feelings will progress and I will end up getting hurt. I don't think this is a case of her leading me on because we have always been honest with each other about our feelings - even though her feelings seem to have changed over the course of time - but I also need to look out for myself and protect myself.

So, I have a couple questions to which I would truly appreciate some insight:

1. Why does she spend so much of her time contacting me, hanging out with me, basically treating me like her boyfriend, if she only sees me as a friend?

2. Should I back off of our friendship - meaning, give myself some space to let my feelings die down, if that is possible - or continue to be there for her as a friend in the same capacity?

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this, and I really appreciate your help

[Agape]

Sounds like a conflict of interests. . . you're looking towards marriage and she's about the friendship

Maybe you should ease up on the friendship . . . is the 'friendship and not a relationship' making you unhappy in any way?

[kake224]

I'm not sure I buy that she doesn't have romantic feelings for you. I think she wants to have them for you but you aren't showing her that side of you because of the barrier. Every women wants to be romanced, period! Be her knight in shinning armor, and I bet she'll melt like butter. So if you're ready to throw it all on the line here's what I would do... invite her over for a movie, chick flick. Not the Notebook though too obvious, something fun like Knocked up. Watch it in the dark! Oh but first make her dinner, something good and get some wine. (just a little to loosen the mood but don't get her drunk) Then get some kind of desert like chocolate covered strawberries or strawberries with whipped cream! And bust that out when the movie starts getting a little sappy. And be sure to feed the first one to her, but do something cute like get whipped cream on her nose. And when the momment is right move in for the kill and give her the most passionate kiss you can muster. I'll bet almost anything she'll melt in your hands.

And if I am wrong you'll have your answer to both questions unfortunately. Good Luck and please let us know how it goes!

[Nimrod44]

I'd suggest to stop spending so much time with her. If you truly have feelings for her all this connection now will only hurt you in the end if she wants nothing more than friendship. It also stops both of you from finding partners that really want a romantic relationship. Hanging around with her so much is blocking any other woman from getting to know you.

Maybe with some distance her feelings might change. If not, then it's time for both of you to move on.

[xxazurexx]

So, I have a couple questions to which I would truly appreciate some insight:

1. Why does she spend so much of her time contacting me, hanging out with me, basically treating me like her boyfriend, if she only sees me as a friend?

God knows. I have an ex 'exactly' the same,,,,he's male and I'm still looking for the answer to that one and have been for over 2 years.

2. Should I back off of our friendship - meaning, give myself some space to let my feelings die down, if that is possible - or continue to be there for her as a friend in the same capacity?

I don't think you can continue on being her friend.....you will always want more and while you still have feelings. Only when you move on, have dated other girls, had a relationship elsewhere, are totally over her, would you be able to go back and be her friend.....and 'genuinely' be her friend without ulterior motive. Or taking some time away from her might help, as it helped me.

I went total cold turkey on the guy I know and because it became hard to be his friend and I resented being his friend and because I wasn't getting what I wanted from him. I'd told him straight and why I didn't want him to call anymore. I said I needed to move on and I wasn't able to move on with him in the picture. He resented what I was doing, called me a few choice names, wasn't understanding at all over what I was doing. For 4 months we didn't talk and I saw other guys and even had a relationship during that time. About 3 weeks ago, the ex contacted me again and after all that time and I wasn't that excited to hear from him...my feelings had waned somewhat. I'm not yearning for him as I once did and I can talk to him now like he is just a friend.

[JGolds29]

Thank you all for your responses. While spending time with her on this weekend, I came clean and told her about how I felt. We have always been honest with each other about everything, so I knew sooner or later that I had to tell her.

She told me straight up that she isn't ready for any type of romantic relationship with anyone and she just wants to have fun. She also told me that she doesn't feel for me any of the romantic feelings I have for her. She thinks I'm a good-looking guy and she considers me to be her best friend, but that's all I am, a friend.

I have no choice but to take her for her word now, but it just confuses me that she can have NO romantic feelings for me whatsoever based on our interactions and the things she has said to me in the past. Needless to say I'm pretty hurt and devastated at the moment, and I've decided to pull back from the friendship until I am able to view her solely as a friend.

[xxazurexx]

Thank you all for your responses. While spending time with her on this weekend, I came clean and told her about how I felt. We have always been honest with each other about everything, so I knew sooner or later that I had to tell her.

She told me straight up that she isn't ready for any type of romantic relationship with anyone and she just wants to have fun. She also told me that she doesn't feel for me any of the romantic feelings I have for her. She thinks I'm a good-looking guy and she considers me to be her best friend, but that's all I am, a friend.

It's all just excuses sorry. I heard exactly the same 'I'm not looking for a relationship'....'I've been hurt in the past'....'Sometimes people from different cultures make better friends'...blah, blah, blah....
All classic lines they use and to make ya feel better about the situation.

I have no choice but to take her for her word now, but it just confuses me that she can have NO romantic feelings for me whatsoever based on our interactions and the things she has said to me in the past. Needless to say I'm pretty hurt and devastated at the moment, and I've decided to pull back from the friendship until I am able to view her solely as a friend.

Time to back off and let go IMO.

I'd tell her that you can no longer carry on in this friendship and because you need to move on and can't with her in the picture.....and mean what you say.

Who knows, in the time you are gone she may come to realise how much she misses you and that you meant more to her than she thought you did.

[Agape]

Well since "she isn't ready for any type of romantic relationship with anyone and she just wants to have fun." then you let her have her fun . . . if being in a friendship is too much right now then push away, as you have done - good job.

[JELEF]

It's all just excuses sorry. I heard exactly the same 'I'm not looking for a relationship'....'I've been hurt in the past'....'Sometimes people from different cultures make better friends'...blah, blah, blah....
All classic lines they use and to make ya feel better about the situation.

Yeah, those are all excuses.

[JELEF]

I have no choice but to take her for her word now, but it just confuses me that she can have NO romantic feelings for me whatsoever based on our interactions and the things she has said to me in the past. Needless to say I'm pretty hurt and devastated at the moment, and I've decided to pull back from the friendship until I am able to view her solely as a friend.

Women and men are not the same. I've known loads of women who can be incredibly close without fear of ever crossing any line. Once you're deemed 'friend' you'll never been anything more.

She had feelings at one point but they've probably passed as you opened up too much and became too close. She probably stopped seeing you as sexually attractive because you gave up a bit of your masculinity in becoming so close. You've shared too much and have shown yourself to be too vulnerable for her. Women like self-confident masculine men and even if you exhibit all of those qualities and you are attractive (as she's said), you've forfeited too much of it in becoming so close. There's no mystery left. She knows you too well.

As for whether or not you can be her friend, that's entirely up to you. My best friend and I are in the same situation though I don't think she was ever sexually attracted to me. I've told her a few times how I've felt and have got the same response. I don't think that will ever change. I've accepted that as I've never had a friend like her and would hate to give it up because I couldn't accept the situation for what it is. I've also realized that our goals in life aren't entirely compatible so even if something ever kicked off, I couldn't do it as I'm not willing to change my ambitions. Perhaps if you stick round as friends you may come to your own realizations that would have been teased out eventually if you were in a relationship.

Have you slept with eachother? Personally, that'd change my outlook. I'm trying that at the moment with someone else and feel like I'm making progress but haven't had enough time to see if it's possible or not.

[JGolds29]

JELEF, I sincerely appreciate your last post because you are 100% correct. I've spent the last couple of days doing A LOT of reading about being "friend zoned," and it's pretty obvious to say that I was put in that inescapable prison cell long before I got the dreaded kiss of death - LJBF - from her. I heard all of the indicators - "you're such a nice guy," "you're my best friend," etc. - and now it all makes sense to me. And you know what? I have no one to blame but myself. I think I let her situation, her physical beauty, and her self-confidence intimidate me in a way, and I quickly and easily let my guard down, allowing all of my insecurities and vulnerability to come spilling out. No woman wants a guy who is not confident, assertive, and who lacks a backbone, and that is exactly what I had become. I used to be at her beck and call - literally, she would text me or call me and I would respond in minutes - and I would spend late nights talking with her or hanging out with her even though I always had work the next morning. My one saving grace was my sense of humor and my ability to make her laugh and flirt with her at any time, but I lost my identity along the way, so it's no surprise I was tabbed as just a friend.

However, I have no regrets right now about the situation. She had come out of a truly horrible relationship shortly before we met - her ex mentally, emotionally, and, finally, physically abused her - and she was a complete wreck when we first met. I was able to help her work through all of her problems, and I'm actually proud to say that I played a huge part in ensuring that she is now mentally and emotionally healthy. Her health truly is important to me, so I honestly have no regrets about being there for her. At the same time, I now see this situation as a blessing in disguise for myself. I'm going to use this time apart to work on myself and become a much better, more confident person.

It's funny, because before we met, I always had a quiet confidence about myself. I'm somewhat shy, but I know I'm a good-looking guy, I was a collegiate athlete and I'm still in really good shape, I have good fashion sense, I'm always complimented on my style and choice of clothes, I'm intelligent, witty, funny, and I truly believe I have an infectious personality. Some of those qualities may have gotten lost along the way during this experience, but I'm determined now more than ever to regain my confidence. In fact, today I smiled more times in a day than I can ever remember, I held my head high and made sure my posture was correct, I made consistent eye contact with every person I spoke to, and I even talked to an attractive woman I work with whom I had never, ever had a conservation with before. I'm going to go out with my guy and girl friends on a regular basis, and I may even start dating again sooner rather than later. Each day is going to be a small stepping stone for me until I become the confident and assertive male I know am and can be. And who knows? Maybe I'll try things again with my best friend when I'm fully confident and prepared to be an independent male, or maybe I'll have found someone else by then All I know is that I'm going to work on myself and be the best person I possibly can be.

Thank you all for your insight and advice, and any other encouragement is greatly appreciated.

[Huggles]

You sound lovely! She's mad to noy want you. A bf should be your best friend too x

[JGolds29]

You sound lovely! She's mad to noy want you. A bf should be your best friend too x

I sincerely appreciate that, Huggles I woke up this morning initially sad because of the situation, but I got my ass up, put on a smile, and I really feel great and confident at the moment. I'm going to spend my down time at work reading about improving myself so I'll continue to feel this way and move in the right direction.

[JGolds29]

Just a really short update: she texted me late last night saying she missed me (it's only been 3 or so days since I decided to take some space). Even though she told me explicitly that she would give me my space for a month or two, I figured at some point she would text me - I actually hoped it would be along the lines of "I miss you" - but I didn't think she would send something after such a short amount of time. I'm going to wait until later in the day to text back, and I'm definitely not going to say "I miss you too"; instead, I'm going to respond with an inside joke that the two of us shared, which will almost mock her but shouldn't hurt her feelings (we were always poking fun at each other).

I honestly feel really great about myself at the moment, even without the text message. I'm going to continue to be unavailable and work on myself, so that if the two of us do see each other again, she'll witness a new, confident, independent man before her.

Once again, any encouragement, insight, advice, etc. is greatly, greatly appreciated.

[xxazurexx]

You are doing the right thing. Continue to be unavailable and don't cave in...that is what she is looking for you to do.

Didn't take her long to text did it? lol