Weird horrible breakup.......confused and helpless

[skywalker]

Hi,

My ex-girlfriend and me were together for 9 years before we went on a *break*. We both met each other when we were 16, and we pretty much grew up together and had been going strong. The 8th year of our relationship, I graduated from college and got an amazing job in Silicon valley. I tried my best to call and keep my girlfriend happy, and made constant trips to go meet her and spend time with her. But as the work pressure increased, it got increasingly difficult to meet her. So we both decided that she get's a job in California and she was happy with that decision. But the long distance thing had caused many fights between us. When she came to San Francisco, she couldn't find a job here, but found one in LA. The two months we were together in SF, she was miserable and she physically fought with me and tried to hurt herself. I got super scared, cuz I didn't want her to do something to herself. I tried to reason with her, but my talk just ignited her more. So I resorted to keeping quiet when she threw tantrums, so as not to ignite her anger more. Looking back now, that was my biggest mistake. Our parents got involved, and I thought it was best she takes the job in LA and cool down a bit.

A month after the breakup, I realized that I had made a HUGE HUGE mistake by keeping quiet and leaving her. I called her immediately and said I was a huge ass, and I need and love her like crazy. But she said she has moved on and I should move on too. I tried this for the next 5-6 months, though my friends asked me not to call her. I tried counseling for 4 months to analyze what I did wrong, cuz I was in love with her for 9 years and did not want to lose her. But whatever I tried, she kept pushing me back saying she has moved on and I should too. It was a complete heartbreak. So I finally tricked my heart to let go of her. On my birthday, a friend of mine broke the news that my ex is seeing someone in LA. I was speechless and devastated. I cancelled all my bday plans, and once again started the healing process of letting her go.

2 weeks back she called me and said she is getting married to the guy she has been seeing. I was again speechless and totally devastated. I somehow gathered myself and wished her a beautiful marriage and a happy life with her husband, cuz I really want her to be happy. I couldn't take it anymore, so I told her I will hang up. She said she will call me in a couple of days to make sure I am OK. I said fine, and later I emailed her saying dont call me, cuz it's just going to make it worse. I wished her again and said goodbye.

Later that day, she called me again and said she loves me and that no one can take my place in her life. I just flipped out. All the emotions I have been suppressing for a year now, came rushing back out. She said she has to go ahead with this marriage cuz she can't break this guy's heart. I have tried everything in this 2 weeks to get her back, but she is sticking with her decision.

I don't get it. I just don't get it. It's been 2 weeks now and I am sleepless. I have lost the sensation of hunger. I was heartbroken a year back, recovered and heartbroken again. Why would anyone do that to ur ex? I know I have done a lot of mistakes in my relationship, but I always loved her with all my heart for 9 years and never thought about anyone else. And she found someone within 3 months, dated for 4 months and now getting married to him in a month! And I can still somehow digest all that, but yet she called me and said all that stuff.

I am really lost, heartbroken and feel helpless right now. I feel violated and there is not a shred of self respect and dignity left in me. After all she has done, I still don't feel any hatred for her. I know I have to move on again, but it's proving very difficult this time around.

[reeba]

Yes, on the surface it appears she is doing a very drastic thing considering that she is on the rebound. However, this guy is probably giving her things you refused to do. She is feeling the rush of being loved by someone who wants to be with her for the rest of their life. Silly to get married while in this 'rush' stage of the relationship, but no more ridiculous that dragging out the dating phase 9 years (being 16 was a very good excuse, but once you graduated college and landed a good job, you ran out of excuses).

So why did you date for 9 years, move away from her, and then expect her to follow or be stuck in a miserable long distance relationship with no end in sight? Did you ever ask her to marry you? Did you ever consider what it would do to her financially if she had to move to high rent Silicon Valley with a mediocre job or no job. Or did you just take it for granted she would always be there (or should I say a phone call away). Why are you astonished someone else saw her as a gem and asked her to marry him.

Now you are going to have to take some drastic measures if you want her back and you don't want to make a scene like in the 'Graduate' where Hoffman crashes a wedding. And my guess one of the things you are going to have to do is say you can't live without her and you want to be with her forever and discuss hers and yours goals - career, family, ect. By the way, she just sacrificed a lot for a long distance relationship. She might be getting a little tired of sacrificing and be wanting to see some 'give' on your side of things.

[skywalker]

Reeba,

Thanks for the reply.

Yes. We have discussed marriage a lot of times. I have told her multiple times that there cant be any other woman in my life, and I will marry you. I was close to getting married, before she went all crazy and started throwing trantrums.

Okie, lets for a moment accept here that I was a Class A jackass. Maybe I messed up. But why put me through hell when she knows I tried to get her back multiple times this year. And she knows that I still love her like crazy. I am sad I am losing her, but happy that she will be happy with him considering he is treating her well, but why tell me she still loves me and no one can take my place? Don't you think that's just plain wrong when I tried my best multiple times to get her back.

BTW, when she gave me that call, I told her she is the single most important thing in my life and I have done a lot of counseling to correct myself. I even am ready to leave my current job and move to LA and find a new job if that means we can stay together. So dont give me the crap talk about me not being committed.

[shammi]

i feel your pain, when you love some one for so long (9 years) and they decide to marry someone else, its heart breaking.

But this not new, i have known atleast 4-5 of my friends who have gone through the exact same thing, women can be such heart breakers.

sometimes i feel maybe its good that i haven't been in a relationship yet, atleast i haven't been hurt by women.

[Agape]

When you first broke up . . . "she was miserable and she physically fought with me and tried to hurt herself" + "I tried to reason with her, but my talk just ignited her more."

Then, when she moved and on was to be married . . . she calls up her ex-boyfriend? Why? . . . "Later that day, she called me again and said she loves me and that no one can take my place in her life." Again, why?

-

Calling you up was just dumb. . . also that can't talk or not talk to her is bad - communication issues recently. . . probably best to move on.

[skywalker]

i feel your pain, when you love some one for so long (9 years) and they decide to marry someone else, its heart breaking.

But this not new, i have known atleast 4-5 of my friends who have gone through the exact same thing, women can be such heart breakers.

sometimes i feel maybe its good that i haven't been in a relationship yet, atleast i haven't been hurt by women.

Thanks shammi.

[Phaxt]

That sucks dude, I'm sorry and I feel for you.

It sounds like what made her come back and say that she loves you, that no one else can take your place, is when you told her that you were finally ready to heal - that you wished her and her new man a good life and to leave you be.

So that's probably what you should do again. Let her know that you care for you, you want her to be happy and that you have the best intentions for her, and so you're letting her go and she probably shouldn't call you. Then go no contact. Take all the time you need to heal.

Maybe she'll try to open up to you again, maybe not. Assume not. But the next time around you'll be stronger. Don't instantly collapse if she tortures you with comments like "I still love you." Because you've been there before, and now you're moving on.